BALDING ASIAN GUY/Bill Butt Appreciation thread( Spoilers Faith-Visitation)

[Commander Zelix]

I've watched the episode Faith a couple of time this weekend. My favorite SGU episodes are Faith, Time, Space, Subversion.

[ProclarushTaonasAt]

Notice how in that top one, nobody knows where to look they are so blinded by the awesomeness that is BAG.

They can't look directly at him, there are so many reasons why...

[MattSilver 3k]

The Ode To BAG: The Truth, the Lies, the BAGginess.

"One minute," he said, checking his watch, then his notes. BAG always loved his notes, I noted. You see, I call him BAG because his real name is kinda lame, and BAG's a nice acronymic way of describing his appearance. He's short too, but we don't count that in with the rest of the stock. "This is beginning. We're at ground zero. Maybe you should say a few words, to mark the occasion."

BAG. B. A. G.

Balding, the light reflecting off the top of his head. Asian, narrow eyes narrowing further as they stared his opponent down. Guy, he was. Gun, he also wielded in his right hand. But he didn't always carry a gun. Usually just a notepad, a sense of accomplishment, delusions of Godhood, and a pen that curiously never ran out of ink.

Though his opponent never thought that thought, I did. I'm the narrator here - I do things my way.

His opponent is stocky, but usually held his own air of inferiority. Definitely now, though. He had a gun filling his head, not ego. Gun in the mouth, specifically.

He mumbled something. I didn't discern it, and neither did BAG. Funny how a gun barrel shoved in the teeth of a stocky man muffles the vowels a scratch.

I think he was wondering if the gun was clean or not. I was still stuck on the pen/ink issue. Hmm...

"It's getting exciting now," BAG says, the voice of malice, the right hand holding pistol steady as he perused his notes with his left hand. They're detailed, almost to a finite level. Years of wealth and experience held in each letter. Hate, anger and true spite held in whole words. Sentences with no full stops. Madness, thy name is BAG.

I bet Detox was regretting what he created. I bet they all were. They should. BAG's got bombs - special bombs blessed by his divine right. They're being processed through a computer that's linked to a satellite that was reprogrammed by a friend of a friend of a friend's uncle with a gun to his head and a knife to his throat. The satellite broadcasts a specific code all over the world. The code carries a virus, and the virus tracks down the ones BAG wants dead. The ones BAG wants dead usually die. It's just the surefire way of the world, dear readers. The virus infects computers via the internet, and the computer's overload and explode - taking out the entirety of the target's house in one swift move.

Even the pets aren't spared, if the family had them inside for the cold nights.

Why did BAG want them dead? Detox knew that BAG wanted to teach his followers a final lesson. Detox tried to stop him, but BAG was quicker. Detox's partner was nearby, a rotting corpse with a mortal bullet wound to the head. Detox studiously kept his eyes averted from the body of his lover. Smart lad.

I'm the narrator here, so I know things. I know that Detox, alone, depressed and tired, found a support group for men who felt real pain - men who had had their testicles removed. Cancer. He made friends, even though his voice was suspiciously deeper than everybody else's. He hooked up with the nice girl who ran the meetings as a community service due to some bad stuff she had pulled when she was younger and stupider. Now older and wiser, she helped Detox get through his depression, and was relieved when she found out he still had balls.

But that's another story. Detox, while still depressed and while still wooing his love, sat down one night and watched a TV show. Stargate Universe. Episode 13 - Faith. Something caught his eye in the background - the image of a man. A Balding, Asian, Guy man. He started a shrine on Gateworld, and people rallied. People saw this man for what he was pretending to be - a God in a balding man's ratty clothing. It was soon discovered that BAG had appeared in other shows too - Stargate Atlantis, Eureka... he had made the circuit.

Detox kept his shrine aloft, and tales were told and spread and BAG was worshipped.

But this was not the first time this happened. He was a devil in disguise, BAG was. Over the years, he would leave people following in his wake and siphon off their devotion, getting off on it. Then the internet came around and he discovered porn, but he soon got bored with the constant- sorry, where was I? BAG manifested once more in the Vancouver-created TV shows, bribing his way in as a lowly extra.

You see, after a while, the corporeal shape would dissipate and BAG would become out of phase with the world. Eventually, without proper devotion, he'd melt into nothing. But Detox started a thread to save his fictional character's life on the show SGU, and BAG came forth, travelling to Detox's neck of the woods, gathering some followers (Except those overseas - too far and planes were grounded due to Iceland volcanic activity, to BAG's disgust) along the way. Detox was at first swayed, and became BAG's high priest.

They took their time, but a sizeable force roamed the lands in BAG's name, performing misdeeds and such. But when Detox, after a dinner date with his sweetheart, learnt that BAG was planning a raid of Canada that would end SGU for good, he took action against his God. He went to BAG's stronghold, gun in hand, but, like I said, BAG was quicker and foresaw it all. BAG took the gun, killed Detox's captive sweetheart, and stuck it in Detox's mouth.

It was about now that BAG explained his master plan in a devious and hammy way. He was getting bored with this batch of followers, like he always did. He planned to have them all die in his name, gaining enough human energy to last him centuries (And then he would return once the Earth had repaired itself, of course), showing Detox the computer-satellite-program thing and declaring that the rest of the local followers were already blowing themselves up in a raid on a leaking gas factory while holding fire-lit rags and wearing suits of silver nitrate film.

Sure enough, an explosion went off, and Detox flinched into the gun in his mouth, shattering a few teeth. BAG smirked and then went, "One minute." thus bringing us back here to the tense part of the story.

The computer dinged, and BAG was about to put in the code to kill all of his followers via the internet, but he was hit by a choice. Drop the gun in his right hand to type the code, or drop the notepad in his left hand to type the cope. He turned to a blank page on his notepad with his left hand, the pad sitting on the crook of his elbow. Unconsciously, he removed the gun and fished out that frelling pen that I still haven't worked out, and wrote notes. Right handed. With a gun on Detox's lap.

BAG's love of notes was his downfall, and Detox took upon the gun and blasted him the cranium, followed by two shots into the computer. The program was averted and lives were saved, but at great cost.

Oh, and BAG was still alive.

"You shouldn't have done that," he hissed, raising his pen and screaming a guttural roar. Detox shot him over and over, but nothing stopped his rampage.

Except this plot twist: an angel, in the form of a Bald Asian Guy.

You see, this was foreshadowed from the start! There's always an opposite to everything that exists, and while there was an evil BAG that ate puppies and got off on human devotion, there was a good BAG that enjoyed the sunflowers and a soft mellow rain. Dressed in immaculate white, the Good BAG smote his brother from corporeal form, vowing to Detox to not let this happen again.

Detox believed him, but not enough to start another thread on Gateworld.

So that is all, folks. Good beats evil, and BAG can be either, but the Good BAG usually wins out.

I totally don't have a gun to my head or anything, from some guy who believes in Good BAG a little too much or something. How about shades of gray you *******s? HUH? He's not that great!

Oh so now you're cocking the gun hey? Well let me just say this - get your hand away from the trigger and listen dammit! I am Matt Silver 3k and-

...

...

BAG is all there is. Go forth.

(Total word count: fourteen hundred. Time: fifteen minutes, flat out typing. Need to pee: Urgent.)

[HaMm3r]

Wow...that was a fun read, MS3K! Nice job. Green 4 U!

[major davis]

LOL. Green!

[ProclarushTaonasAt]

detox, while still depressed and while still wooing his love, sat down one night and watched a tv show. Stargate universe. Episode 13 - faith. Something caught his eye in the background - the image of a man. A balding, asian, guy man. He started a shrine on gateworld, and people rallied. people saw this man for what he was pretending to be - a god in a balding man's ratty clothing.

lol!

[Demerzel]

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if anyone else noticed or mentioned it, but I was watching some old SGA episodes and...heck, B.A.G. was in Atlantis as a medic! Shows how godly he is, he probably saved Atlantis secretly many times and that's why he was on Icarus.

Okay, that was my geek moment of the day. >.>

[Pharaoh Atem]

I haven't read the whole thread so I don't know if anyone else noticed or mentioned it, but I was watching some old SGA episodes and...heck, B.A.G. was in Atlantis as a medic! Shows how godly he is, he probably saved Atlantis secretly many times and that's why he was on Icarus.

Okay, that was my geek moment of the day. >.>

it's known someone posted pictures in the faith sub forum

BAG protects many

[Akamaimom]

BAG protects many

Indeed. BAG gives of himself, asking for nothing--not even a place in the credits. The blessing of BAG cannot be understated.



We need a BAG smiley, by the way. I only hope that BAG can bless someone with the ability to do him such justice.

[Mr.Xcelent]

Don't worry, we'll get to see BAG's apprentice SAG (Scared Asian Guy), in Incursion pt 2. Though he will never yield the the might to hold a briefcase as mighty and powerful as BAG, he will try to live up to the legacy.

[Stormtrooper]

Heh, that's true

I bet SAG wouldn't be scared if his master was still aboard Destiny.

[Lahela]

*gasp*

Incursion 2 spoiler...

Spoiler:

Is this Son of BAG??? The legacy continues???

[GenieinaZPM]

Spoilers for Pain

Spoiler:

What do you think Bag’s fears would be if he had one of those hallucination inducing ticks on the back of his head?
I think he would be deathly afraid of a killer toupee.
Any thoughts?

Nothing. BAG would give the tic hallucinations. Duh.

[GenieinaZPM]

I hope we get to see BAG on a desert planet.....Nothing turns me on more than a sweaty BAG

[Akamaimom]

Is this Son of BAG??? The legacy continues???

He will not leave us alone. BAG is great.