Things they would never ever ever say

[Mickey23]

I can't take credit for that. I was "Googling" for some jokes for a bard character when I came across it. Sorry if that disappoints the gang. Funny nonetheless, right?

Indeed. You get credit for finding it and bringing it to our attention.

[the fifth man]

Vala - "That's it, I've had it. I'm going to become a Nun."

[Elles]

Carter: Sorry, I'm in love with Technician Norman Davis.

Walter Harriman: *sound of breaking heart*
Fans: Don't worry Walter, in our hearts, minds, and souls, there is still, and always will be, only one gate technician.

O'Neill: No Carter, I do not want your twisted "services."

[Syera]

Harriman: Why are there constellations printed on these keys?

[Elles]

McKay: Is that a lemon? GIVE ME! GIVE ME! Give me the precious lemon. The lemon is my precious... MINE!
Frodo: No! I won't let you have it!
Sheppard: Woah! You're the guy from Lord of the Rings! Can I have your autograph?

[Syera]

McKay: Is that a lemon? GIVE ME! GIVE ME! Give me the precious lemon. The lemon is my precious... MINE!

Ah... watch Moebius.

McKay: I'd love to come, but I'm busy tonight. I'm... uh... (looks nervous) still trying to get a handle on my mutant abilities, 'kay? I'll... uh, call you back later. Oh, and if Beckett shows up, do me a favor and tell him he can count me out of any future gene experimentation in the future, okay?

(Not that that line is supposed to be out of character... it's just something I'm quite certain would never, ever happen.)

[Elles]

Ah... watch Moebius.

Huh?

Thor: Oh my god, Dragon Tales is on! Does anyone have a TV?

[Syera]

The following was said in Moebius P1:

You see, I love this whole, sexy librarian thing? Look, why don't I take you to lunch and get you up to speed. I hear it's Lemon Chicken today, my favorite, hmmm?

[SG-25CSAR]

Later In the Gate control room. with jokes from Ayan
Jack: They went for it! They actually went for it!
Daniel: Went for what?
Jack: The next ship we build is gonna be called the Enterprize.
Daniel: Wow really?
Jack: I knew if I bothered them long enough they'd concede! Next order of business gettin Thor laid.
Daniel: Pfft! Good luck with that one!( End of Ayan's jokes)
Thor: I believe that the Gate is ready for O'Neill's brilliant experiment, useless humans. all We need is the Ancients Knowledge of Nuetronic Tension Particles and the Stargate.
Hammond: good, Daniel you and SG-1 will go with me to Atlantis, There is this Pretty Scientist that I wish to go out with
Walter: Uh, sir the Wraith
Hammond: Oh yeah, SG-1 you will come and help find a way to effectively use the gate to Isolate this Galaxy so only the Asgard and our ships can come and leave with our permission.
Carter: so What am I going to do?
Jack: you and Cameron will evaluate Atlantis' flag team for kicks.
Cam walks in the Gate room

andromeda fate's jokes

Mitchell: (dancing around the gateroom) I'm the man with two first names. Cameron. Mitchell. Cameron. Mitchell. Tra la la la la....
Teal'c: I believe Colonel Mitchell has been into your weed stash again Carter
Carter: D'oh!! I told General Landry to hide it good this time!
Teal'c: I beleive he hid it in the science lab labeled "Goa' ould Dung."
Carter: Well Landry should have known Mitchell would eat that.
End of andromeda fate's jokes

Walter: too bad He is not Here. (Everyone looks at hammond)
Hammond: what? I had this world's saftey at heart. Besides, what does he think having all that hair in my base, huh?!
Teal'c to Daniel: Remind me to shave my head, Daniel Jackson.
Thor: My ship is ready
Hammond: Beam us up, scotty.
Hammond, Thor and SG-1 plus Jack are beamed up
Walter: Hey Sir you forgot your Head wax! and Valaa
(right after that Valaa and Hammond's Head wax is beamed off)
Walter: I swear we all would be Gouald hosts if it wasn't for me!

On Thor's ship
Carter: Uh! Thor did you just touch my But!??
Thanks to chyron( I kept Laughing and Laughing after reading this!)
Thor: No, Colonel Carter. I did not touch your bum. I slapped it and grouped it and felt it up really good. I must say that it was a much more fullfilling experience for me than I when I did the same to Rodney Mckay. Was it good for you?(end of the joke that I stole, like others)
Jack: Wow! Thor I will kill you if you do that again, but keep that up and you'll get laid in not TIME!
In an other room
Jokes by BC- 303
Cam: Hay Teal'c buddy, how about after the mission we grab a beer *puts hand on shoulder*
Teal'c: listen, i only work with you, just because you blackmailed your way on to SG1 doesnt meen im your best buddy, touch me again and i will rip that arm off, do we understand "Cam"
Cam: yes sir
(End of stolen Joke)
Daniel: Hey guys I think I just learned how to Read Ancient how Lame is that!!
Cam: Why do I even hang out with you?
Daniel: Cause I brought Valaa and Hammond's head wax along?
Teal's: I believe that Daniel Jackson has made a good point.

At Atlantis.
Shepp has captured an intruding Wraith operative
Jokes from 2generationalteran(Yes I dare steal from the Ancient's 2nd gen.)
wraith: (to shep and ronon) wait before you kill me i would like to say something
Ronon: fine say it, after you die
wraith: i have five kids at home, and i have to bring home dinner, and do you know what the wife does? complains, complains, complains.... (cries)
(a few hours later)
Wraith: so the game is in its last few minutes...
Shep: (breaking in) and she goes and turns it off?!
Wraith: YES, FINALY SOME ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS!!!!!!!!
Ronon: Did she throw out the Beer too?
Wraith: ITS LIKE YOU CAN READ MY MIND! (End of stolen joke)
Weir: JUST KILL THEM ALL! REALLY SLOWLY AND PAINFULL
McKay runs in and
McKay: Weir, the Sensors have detected a HUGE ship heading twords us REALY fast and I need to find Zelenka to get some Advice on what I should do, Do you know were he is?
Weir: He is right Behind you.
McKay: oh!(runs and asks Zelenka) What should I do oh great smart one.
Zelenka: Suggest to the Dr. that she put the city on alert.
(A asgard Beam show up with the Gang from the SGC)
Teal'c: Teal'cs in the HOUSE! What's up hommies?!
Wier: Great you guys are here! Lets have a Party!

Later in a party zone and the Gang is in a bunch of little groups talking.
tealc Rondy Mckay, I have heard that Tauri humer is sometimes strange.
mckay How so?
I've been tould that you have Kissed Dr. Beckett.
Thats a long story, It was Zelenka's faut!
If you would of ran faster none of it would of happened
So tell me, do you enjoy a kiss from a gril or do you just like Men?
Lt. Cadman Made me do it! She was inside my head
I do not Belive that there is a Guaold that goes by that name, are you hiding something Dr. Mckay?
Now now, we all know that this is a NEW airforce and we have to tolerate certian things.
I was posised By A The Lt. and she made me do it!!
Mckay runs off. to another group

It was just 5/6 of a Solar Sys.
I'd say thats more than enough
Your just jealous!
In a near by group
Mckay is mad about that Blowing up that solar sys, because He knows that I Destroyed and ENTIRE sys.!!
Yeah, Maybe we should keep the two of you as far away from earth as we can.
Mckay over hears this and
It was only 5/6! and I am not Jealous of Carter, though I am A little Jealous of the Pete fellow
WHAT! How do you Know that !?!
Mckay runs, Carter chases him, Jack goes to Talk to Wier.

You know, She kind of looks Ho...
I wouldn't go there(Gets closer)
Almost Ten years ago He beat me up cause he thought that I liked her
Wasn't he infected by that Virus?
Your all strange.
I think that your chevron dude is done with the Data bas, I'll get Teal'c and Dr. Lee and Jack and get to work, I whish I was watching Histroy Stinks in the ANti-Histroy channel right now!

Later at the Berifing room in Atlantis

Dr. Lee: After having Teal'c put Dr. Jackson in a headlock in order to get him to translate the Ancient, I have all the Info and just gave it to Jack
Jack: Yes, it seems the Neutronic particals in the Wormhole form a Catatonic phase with the Tachyon Wave length and Merges with a Proton Subspace relay in order to form a transporter array, by recharching the Tachyon Wave I could form the WormHole into the Best Asgard Transporter Ever!!
McKay: See! Why can't I be that smart!
Shepp: Sir you are amazing, How did you learn all of that, other than sucking the Info from some one under your command by Druging them like, Carter for example
Carter: I think I understand McKay's complicated theory
Thor: I want to grab your but again, as will as McKay's
Kavanaugh: Weir is the BEST EVER!!!!! She can help, she is a good leader
Weir: He is only saying that cause I threatened to kill hem and everyone he carse about by wraithing them.
Shepp: Remind me to never get on your bad side
Beckett: Does anyone else feal the threat that is heading to earth right now?
Loki: I belive that Clones are not the Answer.
Hammond: Now lets gate back to earth before Walter starts to inforce all these rules and Airforce Regulation in SGC.
Cam: Right, It was nice visiting this place and I think Daniel REALLY wants to leave
Daniel: COMEON I am dying to get out of here!!
Valaa: If you think I will sleep with you and that's why you are in a hurry, sorry I am saving my self for marriage.
Carter: I think we should leave know
Worm Hole Sequence
Earth SGC
Jack: Sir the Fleet has been assembled and the Wriath are dropping out of Hyperspace!

Hammond: Sound Red alert! Rise the shields, Teal'c arm phaser banks! Engerneering
Wlater: Uh that would be me and its not engineering
Hammond: Give me every bit of power and eat the prime Directive.
Thor: The O'Neill and the Luke Skywalker have arived.
Hammond: FIRE!

On the Enterprise
COL: Fire full weapons
DATA: Firing full weapons
Worf: Sir Our shield are starting to fail
Riker: Wiat a minute! this isn't a Fed ship! You aren't picard! Those aren't the borg!
Data: Where are we?
Troi: I feel Great Hunger for...Fries from the Wriath fleet

On the Wraith fleet
Wriath Queen: And I'll have all the Fries you can muster.
Mcdonnalds lady: Is that all?
Wraith Queen: Yes, and Can I haveee them to go please, it a long way back home and we are hungry!

Walter: Sir!, Wriath Darts are picking up Mcdonnalds food all over the world!...Thier leaving! and Mcdonnalds has just recived one Billion Dollars from the Wraith!
Hammond: Great job men! We all saved the World

Back on the Enterprise

Q: SO, Oma, there is no other Q and the this is not the Federation
Oma: Yeah, you are WAY lost, my friend

Data: This is amazing! a Ring that can transport you to other worlds
Urgo: Yeah tell me about it, so you say you never laughed before?

Teal'c: get It the Shetish Guard's nose drips!
Worlf: HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Troi: I feel nothing, its like if you have no knowledge in you
Carter: Really, I could swear that I am smart.
Valaa: So you are troi's mother hah?
Troi's mother: yep and I kind of Like you

Hammond: And you say his head is the Shiniest?
Ricker: Yep
Hammond: HE MUST BE AWSOME!!
Ricker: Yep

Daniel: So you like to give advice
Gaiana: Yep and I have no Eyebrows
Daniel: you should meet Oma Desala.

THE END...OR IS IT?

[Commander Jumper]

hahahahahahh

[dreid]

I can't take credit for that. I was "Googling" for some jokes for a bard character when I came across it. Sorry if that disappoints the gang. Funny nonetheless, right?

not really that funny. I told you not to mess with anyone elses minds. I asked as a favor. not a request. is it possible to do favors for one another and still not make each other stressed out or angry? a shared belief system needs work on the idea of fun.

[jazz!]

Daniel:
I re-read the scripture on the Table we found in Abydos, supposdley telling us of Atlantis - well I was wrong:
The City that "they" were "to make lost" - wasn't a city... It was an island

[Major Gambit]

Anubis: Stop eating my foot you radioactive gopher!!

[SG-25CSAR]

HemroidSinging) I love Humans!
They're soo pretty
I'm sooo Pretty
I LOVE HUMANS!
HURRY MCKAY!!!

[The.Prior.of.The.Ori]

roasted Ra tastes like chicken