Five Horsemen Productions

[Rudy Pena]

Its really really great.

I cant wait to find out what happens.

[ussrelativity]

I'll get back to working on it soon. In the meantime, I'm watching Keitai Sousakan 7 for now.

[Aragon101]

okay, i've emailed you my commented review, now here's my "critique"


Story 8/10: Overall, i really enjoyed the story, Janus is always intriguing and his mannerisms in hits fic are consistent with a jaded person who doesn't want to put up with the imbeciles anymore

The Asgard Core bit is still a little confusing to me, but i do think that Janus must have gone to the Asgard and told them what was coming. Could be that the Asgard are in teh Core as well, but i'm sure that's something you've considered.

I LIKE that you actually have the common sense of a five year old. They're WRAITH. Kill them, Destroy them, They will FEED on you if you give them teh chance! Remember "The Shrine"? There were what? 2 hives sitttin on the ground there? WHY NOT TOSS A GATEBUSTER THROUGH AND SHUT THE DAMN GATE OFF!? ARRGH! It's like watching an evil overlord on an Austin Powers movie! "I'm going to put you in an easily escapable and overly elaborate death that i won't even see."

for that alone, you've got my fandom I see you're setting up threads in this first episode to be used later such as Todd, Kolya, and teh Starfighter League. I trust we'll see more on them later.

Overall, 8 out of 10 as while i find the story average on the "originality" scale, it is VERY well handled so far.

Characters 7/10: Admittedly we haven't seen too much of them, but what i saw was pretty much standard. I like how Ford's the one who's mental thoughts are darker and more jaded than teh others. Really shows what life on his own has affected him.

I can't give more than 7 because i haven't seen much distinctively character moments beyond McKay babling, but it's still the first episode. The nameless characters seem kind of ineffectual as well. Sort of like everyone's a blue shirt. The guy that doesn't die but he's relatively useless otherwise.

I'm diasspointed we didn't see Sam on Atlantis longer. also Janus needs to seriously *****slap McKay. I think Janus would get along well with Sam since she's nowhere near as arrogant as McKay and she actually wants to take the fight out there. i think Janus has lost some of his morals though, and i can see many moral questions being asked later.

I'm missing the team dynamics and banter though i'm sure tha'll come later.

so, 7 out of ten. Not bad, not great, kinda average but i can see potential

Style: 6/10: This is a tricky one. You've got a bunch of grammatical errors and prose mixed with script mixed with narrative that it gets quite confusing at times. You mess up your tenses at times, and repeat youself often with grandiose wording that really doesn't NEED to be said.

Then again, this is a relatively short fic so it's forgivable. it's not like you're writing a novel.

There are little nitpicks i pointed out in the word file i sent you, but for the most part i'm treating it with a more fanboy sense than writer's sense.

So 6 out of 10, the tenses and repeating yourself really gave me mental speedbumps while writing.


OVERALL: 7/10 SO FAR.

I like it. It's mysterious enough to be possible, grandiose enough to start a new seaoon, and yet... its missing the humor and team dynamics of the SG i know and love... I'm sure that's to come though so you can definitely count on me reading

I do suggest you post this on a fanfiction site. you cod do it as is and still get plenty of people reading, though i do suggest writing out a whole episode (19-15 K is quite a good size IMO)and post it in 3-4 chapter chunks

[ussrelativity]

This is exactly what I needed.

Granted, the episode isn't finished yet, but the overall review gives me what I need to improve upon it.


As for Sam, she's still on the Hammond heading for Atlantis.

The characters on the Odyssey are simply the crew of that ship.

Team dynamics will emerge again later, as the episode continues. This one is to simply set things in a direction to affect the course of the whole series.

I will try and avoid the "mental speedbumps" that you mentioned. Some of my paragraphs did end up running long on some occasions.

I think I may have found a good consultant on this project now.

[Rasunda]

Great episode uss. Can't wait for more!

[IWKYZerocool]

Great episode like usual, keep up the good work.

[IWKYZerocool]

Just wanted to know if there will be a update soon?

[ussrelativity]

Slowly working on the next chapter.

[Rasunda]

veeeeeeeeery slooooooooowly it seems....

[Aragon101]

veeeeeeeeery slooooooooowly it seems....

All i know is he's working on it, and it'll be pretty cool

I wonder, what does Kelzio look like?

[ussrelativity]

Merry Christmas!

Here is Chapter 12.

Spoiler:

On Atlantis, the I.O.A. representatives come through the gate, followed by Dr. Jackson. Woolsey greets them.

“Welcome to Atlantis.”

One representative responds. “We wish to speak to the Ancients.”

“One of them is waiting for you right now in the conference room.”

“Dr. Jackson, welcome back to Atlantis.” Woolsey said to Dr. Jackson.

“Thank you. It’s all the much easier with Earth having a Z.P.M.”

“Mr. Janus is waiting for you in McKay’s lab.”

“Waiting for me? Looks like the trip will be worthwhile.”

The I.O.A. representatives went up the steps and headed for the conference room, as Dr. Jackson carried his belongings down another corridor and headed for a transporter. He emerged in another part of the city, close to McKay’s lab.

Rodney came out of his lab again and looked down the corridor, noticing Dr. Jackson.

“Daniel!” He called him over.

Dr. Jackson headed into the lab and saw Janus looking directly at him.

“Dr. Daniel Jackson. I am Janus.” Janus carried a look of respect for Dr. Jackson.

“Hello Janus. When I heard that you arrived in Atlantis, I had to come see you.”

“I am glad that you came here. There’s many things that we can discuss soon. After I have the new control system complete to send to Earth, we can speak about what you’re here for.” Janus said.

Dr. Jackson was still cautious on the inside. He has been one that has put up with a lot of B.S. from the Ancients and had some resentment from some who acted like cowards running away from their problems only to have him and others ending up eliminating them. The Ori and the Asurans were clear examples to him.

Janus adjusted the settings on the control systems, and the display showed a completed Ancient control chair. There were a few manufactured parts already in the lab, and the display switched to Zelenka with the main platform where the chair would go.

Zelenka looked back towards the communication panel on his end.

“We’re set to finish here. The platform is nearly finished, so we need the assemblage for the chair interface and then finally the chair itself.” Zelenka told Janus and McKay.

“Exceptional work, Dr. Zelenka. Dr. McKay and myself will join you shortly and finish the assemblage. You will now have your proper defenses replaced for Earth.” Janus said.

“You’re welcome to come with us, Dr. Jackson.”

“I’d like to see how that would come together.” Jackson said, about the control chair.

Jackson sets his belongings down, as he and the rest exit.

Back in the conference room, Kelzio is waiting for the I.O.A. as they enter. Kelzio turns to them with a simple expression of nothing on his face.

“You wanted to ask me something?” Kelzio said to Woolsey and the I.O.A. representatives as they sat down.

“We need to know if your people intend to reclaim the city, or if our people are going to remain. This city is highly valuable to us and is vital to our future. Our people were asked to leave before, and we need to know if that could happen again.”

Kelzio was upfront about this one. Quicker than they expected.

“When the Tria crew returned to Atlantis, out of blindness they cast you out of the city. They continued their mentality of invincibility of harm from the Asurans. Had you remained in the city, the shield would have been raised before they could even get close.”

“Yes, we know all of this.” Woolsey said, a bit confused.

“I have no intention of removing any of you. If you fight the Wraith as you are you will go down on your own. It is a simple as that. The control system for the Antarctic outpost will be completed soon and can be installed shortly thereafter.”

“So we can use the new chair to protect Earth?” said one I.O.A. representative.

“Yes, but as you are planning, you will not operate this from ‘Area 51’.” Kelzio said.

“We had the chair moved since it was in violation of our international Antarctic treaty, so we—“

“Move it again, and it will not function. Janus has seen to that. It will only operate in Antarctica, where it was meant to. No amount of reverse engineering attempts will yield you a product that people like you can control.” Kelzio was piercing in his words.

“With all due respect, Earth is our planet and we have the right to determine where the chair will be placed.”

“Yes, it is your planet, and your right to choose how useless your defenses are.”

There was a nervous reaction between the I.O.A. Quite obviously, they could not control this situation. There was some talk before hand of trying to study the Ancient. Kelzio already knew of this but didn’t care.

“Your ‘anti-prior’ device in your briefcase won’t be of any testing use, Mr. Coolidge.” he declared.

Coolidge and the rest of them didn’t like being spoken to that way. Being the types they were, they always were to give direction, not the other way around.

Woolsey had to speak up. “I didn’t know about this.” He turned to look at the other I.O.A. members.

“I’m not mad at you, Mr. Woolsey.” Kelzio returned the comment. “They regard you like the rest of the command structure in Atlantis. Even with the easier two-way access between Earth and here, to make this easier for you to understand, they want you on a shorter leash.”

He looks right at the rest of them. “You can’t hide anything from me. I respect your right to privacy, but your thoughts are manifest right on the surface. I want to know what you truly wanted in your intentions.”

Coolidge decided to be direct and not try and skirt Kelzio’s question. From the general feeling, it seemed that Kelzio already knew the answer, but wanted to hear it from him out loud.

“Some of us wanted to examine you to see how we can operate Ancient technology better and get access to the Repository of Knowledge safely.”

“So you admit that much at least?”

“Yes. We want to protect Earth from the threats out here. Our job is to assess the situations that our expedition team here encounters.”

“Does that include making opponents with more powerful extraterrestrials? You’ve done it before, and your ‘victories’ embolden you to continue this, doesn’t it?”

The I.O.A. was trying hard amongst them to assess Kelzio and what he was getting at. It was as if that Kelzio was telling them to stop their operations.

“What do you want from us? Why did you come here? I can admit that some of our actions haven’t always resulted in the best of outcomes, but if we had the proper direction we would certainly not have let the Wraith get as far as they did.”

“So you want me to give you your direction? Coming out here wasn’t enough for your desires to gain more power, but when you find something you can’t control, you shift the blame. John Sheppard kept warning against working with the Wraith in the past two and a half years. If anything, continue to work in this way and your end result will be of your own doing, and no one else.”

“We are trying our best.”

“And you are ones who should have tried and learned. You learn from your mistakes, but your kind repeats the mistakes that my kind made and repeats your own mistakes again and again. You learn nothing even with the result in front of you.”

Woolsey steps up again to ease the situation. “Despite the mistakes that have been made in the past, have you some faith in us that you’re giving us a new control platform to operate our drones on Earth?”

“Yes, Janus and I agree that you should have that restored to its proper configuration. Only as it should be.”

“Is there something else you want from us?”

“From you or of you? Why are you here?”

“Our people originally came here to explore the city and have the possible chance to encounter living Ancients.”

“And what if you learn of another city of our kind?”

“Our people would likely wish to explore this as well.”

“Is this what your kind will do for eternity? Keep chasing after the remnants of a failed race that doesn’t deserve praise and admiration?”

Woolsey and the I.O.A. members look amongst themselves.

“We learn and gain more by going through the Stargate to explore.” One of the I.O.A. representatives spoke again to defend their actions.

“You only fought with your full force against the Asurans. After their planet was destroyed, you went back to your ways of weak-willed operations. Why aren’t you attacking every hive ship in sight? We’re not the only ones who will ask these questions.”

“We only have so many resources to use for this mission.”

“And what is your mission? What’s in it for you? This isn’t your galaxy. What are you really doing with the Wraith? Are you trying to fight them, or alter them?”

“I’m not entirely sure what you mean.”

“As I said to the other Earth personnel, you have made attempts towards changing the Wraith so they can simply consume as you do. Your military commander has stated that would simply change the fates from death to slavery. And he is correct.”

“Our people have been working on a gene therapy to slightly alter the Wraith’s genetic code to allow them to process normal food and eliminate their need to feed on humans.”

“What they are isn’t a disease you can cure. You seem to fight the Wraith without seeking victory. If you are fighting a war, the end is victory or destruction. You wish to prevail over the Wraith, so do it! Stop trying to turn the universe into yourselves! You won’t like what happens.” Kelzio directed right at the I.O.A.

End Of Chapter 12.

I will try and work more often on these chapters. I haven't really touched it in a while.

[Rudy Pena]

Its great, I cant wait for more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

[ussrelativity]

I'd like to get some more critique and discussion about the last chapter before I begin Chapter 13. I think I can round out the story in 15 chapters total.

[Aragon101]

I'd like to get some more critique and discussion about the last chapter before I begin Chapter 13. I think I can round out the story in 15 chapters total.

You've got quite a story here, you might want to consider putting it on FF.net in order to reach a larger audience.

[Rasunda]

Great episode (Y)