Things they would never ever ever say

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

John: Okay... Time to die, mutha****ers! (begins shooting up Atlantis)

* * *

Jack: Here Cameron, have this orange parka. you'll love it!

Cameron: Well, thanks sir! (puts it on) So, you're sure you're not upset about me, you know... Dating Carter?

Jack: Of course not, Cam! Just go on, have fun!

(Cameron heads down the street... Evading a car crash, a staff cannon blast, a mastadge stampede, and Rodney McKay on a decaff killing spree)

Jack: God damnit! That worked for all of Carter's other boyfriends!

Great, I have South Park on the brain... God save me.

[the fifth man]

Cameron - "Teal'c, why is your hair purple?"

Teal'c - "Well Colonel Mitchell, Colonel Carter said it would look cool."

Carter - "Yeah, doesn't it Cam?"

Daniel and Mitchell together - "No comment."

[andromeda_fate]

Ronon: "**Looks at watch** Omigawd Simpsons are on!"

Ronon: "**Singing in front of the miror using a brush as a micophone** Because of you I never stay to far from the sidewaaaaaalk because of you I leared to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt. Because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me. Because of yooooou, I am afraid..."

You're right! Ronan holding (or for that matter using) a brush would never ever happen!

Weir: Cool dreadlocks Ronan!
Ronan: I have dreadlocks?

[Elles]

Ori Prior: Hallowed are the chocolate covered donuts with sprinkles!

Sheppard: John Jacob Jingle Heimer Sheppard, his name is my name too! And everyday when he went out, walking people would shout, "There goes John Jacob Jingle Heimer Sheppard!" Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah...

[Mickey23]

Walter Harriman: Samantha Carter, will you marry me?

Carter: Sorry, I'm in love with Technician Norman Davis.

[Ancient 1]

For all the techno babble we endlessly endure, I'm sure we'll never be subjected to stuff lilke this:

Dr. Seuss Computer Tech Manuals
1. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
2. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
3. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang!
4. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

[Lilith]

For all the techno babble we endlessly endure, I'm sure we'll never be subjected to stuff lilke this:

Dr. Seuss Computer Tech Manuals
1. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
2. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
3. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang!
4. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

how long did that take you???

[The.Prior.of.The.Ori]

very impressive!

[Syera]

For all the techno babble we endlessly endure, I'm sure we'll never be subjected to stuff lilke this:

Dr. Seuss Computer Tech Manuals
1. If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
2. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna' crash!
3. If the label on the cable on the table at your house, says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall, and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna' hang!
4. When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, and the micro code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

*Snnnnrrrrk* I remember reading this a long, long time ago somewhere on the 'net. It's still as funny now as it was then.

[Major Gambit]

Jack: Stop! that skunk is eating my waffle!!! god my shoe hurts.

[AmberLM]

Vala: "Oh, don't you think this turtleneck sweater with long sleeves is just darling?"

[dreid]

Vala: "Oh, don't you think this turtleneck sweater with long sleeves is just darling?"

Daniel: not at all happy about the shapeshifting of the stargate on my personage.

[dreid]

Vala: Im going to stop being such a tramp and stick with one man

Ronan: When im around my brother I act gay

Teal'c: I'll take Vala down

Sam: there go our kids again

Jack: no wonder i retired

Sheppard: Vala could destroy the universe by being a surroget mother to the ori child

Starbuck: Oh my god I just realized why there are Clyon men.

Wier: I think I kill people to much in my dreams

Beckett: I think that there is more at stake here than breeding bragging rights.

[SG-25CSAR]

In the Mess Hall.
Funnies from Tiret.

Carter: Oh, Jack! I just love you! Can't we get married soon?
O'Neill: Sorry, Sam. The thing is...I've got my eye on someone else now.
Carter: What!? Who?
O'Neill: Vala Mal Duran.
Daniel: NOOO!!! She's MINE!
Vala: Oh dear! You mustn't all fight over me...it's all just too much!
Carter: I'll KILL YOU! You..... [advancing on Vala]
Vala: I think I'm going to faint!
Daniel: Don't worry Vala! I'll protect you!
O'Neill: Not as well as I can!
Then over the intercom, end of Tiret's ideas.
Hammond: SG-1 to the briefing room, and bring Valaa.

Later in the B room.
Hammond: I got good news.
Their are 15 Hive ships heading strait for us and they'll be hear in 24 hours.
Valaa: I thought you had Good news?
Hammond: I did I just Saved a Bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gieco.
Cam: That's not Funny, this is no time to joke around, we must be serious all the time, Sir.
Jack: George, I think that if You Reboot the Gate buffers and Insert a Hyper coil to inert the Paradox Matrix minus some Buffer sys. we could develop a Quantum Singularity to Black pull the Plasma waves with Wormhole Neutron Particles that Will Allow the 304 to Hyper Jump to Earth using the Dense Proportional Tachyon Fields and Warp to Earth from Atlantis.
Hammond: Carter, what do you think
Sam: I really don't Know.
Teal'c: I believe if the Tachyon field passes through a Proton Variance then the Hyper Matrixes will go through a Time/Space Matrix and pull the 304 beyond capacity, and the crew would go to Herry jones locker.
Daniel: Why not Give the Wraith Directions to all of the Less Advance worlds?
Valaa: That would be a horrible and Greedy thing to do, It is Just wrong. Its our Fault that the Wraith are Here.
Hammond: I say we go with Jacks SUPER SMART plan and use Daniel's EVIL plan as plan b
Cam: Great, so What do I do?
Jack: You make Love with Carter
Sam: Oooh. This should be fun!

Walter: Hey, dudes. Somone is Dailing the Gate, uh, what should I do

At the Gate Room
Hammond: I think Landry is do back with SG-3
Walter: That's right I got his IDC
Hammond: Close the Iris!
Walter: Sir
Cam: You heard the Man. Like my Grama always says, Forget the Ten Commandments.
Walter: Yes Sir.

We Here 5 thumps.
Hammond: Jack Get Siler and Felger to help you out with the Gate Modifications.
Jack: You got it you stupid Idiot( I feel bad now)

In a Hallway we See jack and Thor Beems down
Thor: Whats up?
Jack: Thor! My buddy
Thor: Take me to your Leader, Primitive useless Human.
Jack: Sure.

In Hammonds Office with Hammond, Jack, and Thor
Thor: What's Up my Shiny headed Man?
Hammond: Its all Good, What do you need.
Thor: We have detected a Wraith fleet heading towards your planet and I brought the O'Neill over to render assistance. I also brought Loki.
Hammond: Good The Odyssey ii in orbit and Jack is working on a Massive Brand New Theory on how to Transport the Deadalus here using the Stargate.
Jack: I could sure Use Loki's help, and a Clone.
Thor: It Shall be done
Jack: Good , To the Gate room [leaves in a superman style}

Daniel and Teal'c and Dr.Lee in Daniel's office

Teal'c: and Then she said, Like I didn't do it and He said, Yes you did
Daniel: JUST SHUT UP! God! Do you EVER stop Talking!?!?
Dr. Lee: Come on guys! We need to find a Anciet text that tells us about Nuetronic Tension Particles and the Stargate.
Daniel: How can we, This stuff is writen in some Strange Writing, looks French.
Teal'c: I believe O'Neill could help.
Dr.Lee: yeah, but he is Busy.
Daniel: Where's Cam and Sam?
Dr. Lee: she said that they where going to Armory 5 and were not to be disturbed
Wait! I think I found Something! The Answer is on the a Ancient City ship, Atlantis! Daniel, You think you could Use Thor's ship to get to Atlantis and look for the Answer.
Daniel: Na, I don't want to go to Atlantis, I would bored out of my mind.
That's it for now. Tune in later to find out what happens next!

[Ancient 1]

how long did that take you???

I can't take credit for that. I was "Googling" for some jokes for a bard character when I came across it. Sorry if that disappoints the gang. Funny nonetheless, right?