Originally posted by Starfist
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sigpicSig by Bay, for my birthday. Find me on fanfiction.net, AO3, or fictionpress.com. If you are over 18, I invite you to read my blogs. On Blogger: Other Worlds, Other Loves On Wordpress: Other Worlds, Other Loves.Fennyman: "Who is that?" Henslowe: "Nobody. The author." (From Shakespeare in Love)
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Originally posted by Whytewytch View PostIt would be kinda funny, though, if you snored through the movie. Assuming you made it from the theater alive, that is.
And to cap it all... My sisters are both 'Twihards'. So I have to be very, very careful what I say about the franchise."What do you mean by 'Oopps'?"
Team Starfist protects all. But having a fully loaded P-90 helps...
Reality is an illusion... Created by those who cannot handle Stargate...!
Jankowski's Rules: Rule 1: Check your Six!
I'm not perfect. But parts of me are excellent I also cook...!
To thy own self... Be true
May the odds.... Be ever in your favour..!
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Originally posted by Gatefan1976 View PostPrincess has been reading too much 50 shades...........Sum, ergo scribo...
(Yes, I'm female. Okay?)
My own site ** FF.net * All That We Leave Behind * Symbiotica ** AO3
sigpic
now also appearing on DeviantArt
Explore Colonel Frank Cromwell's odyssey after falling through the Stargate in Season Two's A Matter of Time, and follow Jack's search for him. Significant Tok'ra supporting characters and a human culture drawn from the annals of history. Book One of the series By Honor Bound.
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Just a test run, i wanna see how it fares, opinions welcome please
Spoiler:The country 10 thousand miles away
We are not about to send American boys 9 or 10 thousand miles away from home to do what Asian boys ought to be doing for themselves.
-Lyndon B. Johnson
“what a load, if LBJ meant that, I wouldn’t be here.” The thunder cracks and rain pours down as the boys of Whiskey Company patrol through the relentless jungles of Vietnam. “How much further major?!?” The thunder cracked once more, much louder this time. “About 3 clicks fly.”
I woke back up in Saigon, im always in Saigon I dreamed about getting back out there, back to my boys. I still hear the Hueys fly over in my dreams and out here, we call them the sinatra’s of the ‘nam. After three tours im used to the symphony of the ‘nam, Hueys flying, Charlie shooting, American boys dying. Everytime I went out I thought I would be the American boy dying. I figure I must have sinned horribly for the devil to keep me alive out here.
I remember getting the call, the generals wanted me at tan son nhut. Bring, bring. The shower stops, a large well built, scared man walks out armed with nothing but a towel and a bottle of Rum, he answers the phone. “ye *hic* yes?” “Is this Major Leileghy Watson?” “whos asking?” “2nd Lieutenant Jehu, I have a man here who wants to see you Major” “Come see for yourself, there is an escort on its way, be ready by 0600 Major” The Lieutenant hangs up. Watson mumbles to himself “typical Vietnam, no rest, all work” and proceeds to get ready. A horn honks and Watson walks out of his room, leaving it unlocked. It begins to rain outside, “just my luck.” “Major?” a man approaches Watson. “You the escort?” Watson says with a hint of sarcasm. “Yes sir” another man exits the driver’s side, “Major if you would, get in.”
Watson and the first man make small talk and the driver turns around, slamming on the break, “Major, Bill, shut it, im trying to drive.” Watsons eyes widened and he began to talk to the driver. “You haven’t been out there have you?.” “Out there?” “In the ****.” The car feel silent, Bill looked at Watson and Watson stared at the driver, waiting for an answer “well?” “SIR, NO SIR!” Watson and Bill gave eachother a look, signalling not to speak for the rest of the ride. They pulled in at the Nhut, a Captain was waiting outside a small Operations Hut. Watson got out and shoke Bill’s hand, he walked up to the Captain and saluted, “Major?” “yes” “this way please” the Captain led Watson into the hut. “This is General Cormac” “Major” Cormac shoke his hand “General.” “Sit, sit please” “thank you sir” Watson took a seat and was handed a Dossier. Watson looked at the Dossier and looked back up, with a surprised voice he asked “sir?” “Read it Watson.” He opened the Dossier:
Lieutenant Colonel: Wundo, Jerad A
117th Airborne, Bravo Company, 12th Squad
Wisconsin, USA
“Sir?” “The man has taken a squad into Laos, I believe you know them.” Cormac hands a photo to Watson, “Whiskey?” the Captain walks back in “uh yes, yes sir.” Watson struggles to swallow his drink “what, what do you want me to do?” “Eliminate Wundo, and the squad.” Sweat travels down Watsons Brow “and how do I get to Laos and Kill a Colonel and a Squad?” The Captains clears his throat “ahem” “you will be given a PBR and accompanied by a Green Beret team.” Cormac stands up, “now Watson, there is a huey waiting for you outside, if there is nothing else” Cormac pauses. “uh no, no sir.” The Captain lights his cigarette “this mission doesn’t exist Colonel, remember that, if you speak about it you will be in the firing line.” “Yes, I understand.” Watson Salutes “well then Watson, your chariot awaits, the Huey will take you to the Air Cavalry where the PBR is waiting, good luck.” Cormac shakes his hand and Watson walks out.
Last edited by LT. COL. John Sheppard; 19 November 2012, 04:00 AM.sigpicOhhhhhhhh WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM
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Originally posted by LT. COL. John Sheppard View PostJust a test run, i wanna see how it fares, opinions welcome please
Spoiler:The country 10 thousand miles away
We are not about to send American boys 9 or 10 thousand miles away from home to do what Asian boys ought to be doing for themselves.
-Lyndon B. Johnson
“what a load, if LBJ meant that, I wouldn’t be here.” The thunder cracks and rain pours down as the boys of Whiskey Company patrol through the relentless jungles of Vietnam. “How much further major?!?” The thunder cracked once more, much louder this time. “About 3 clicks fly.”
I woke back up in Saigon, im always in Saigon I dreamed about getting back out there, back to my boys. I still hear the Hueys fly over in my dreams and out here, we call them the sinatra’s of the ‘nam. After three tours im used to the symphony of the ‘nam, Hueys flying, Charlie shooting, American boys dying. Everytime I went out I thought I would be the American boy dying. I figure I must have sinned horribly for the devil to keep me alive out here.
I remember getting the call, the generals wanted me at tan son nhut. Bring, bring. The shower stops, a large well built, scared man walks out armed with nothing but a towel and a bottle of Rum, he answers the phone. “ye *hic* yes?” “Is this Major Leileghy Watson?” “whos asking?” “2nd Lieutenant Jehu, I have a man here who wants to see you Major” “Come see for yourself, there is an escort on its way, be ready by 0600 Major” The Lieutenant hangs up. Watson mumbles to himself “typical Vietnam, no rest, all work” and proceeds to get ready. A horn honks and Watson walks out of his room, leaving it unlocked. It begins to rain outside, “just my luck.” “Major?” a man approaches Watson. “You the escort?” Watson says with a hint of sarcasm. “Yes sir” another man exits the driver’s side, “Major if you would, get in.”
Watson and the first man make small talk and the driver turns around, slamming on the break, “Major, Bill, shut it, im trying to drive.” Watsons eyes widened and he began to talk to the driver. “You haven’t been out there have you?.” “Out there?” “In the ****.” The car feel silent, Bill looked at Watson and Watson stared at the driver, waiting for an answer “well?” “SIR, NO SIR!” Watson and Bill gave eachother a look, signalling not to speak for the rest of the ride. They pulled in at the Nhut, a Captain was waiting outside a small Operations Hut. Watson got out and shoke Bill’s hand, he walked up to the Captain and saluted, “Major?” “yes” “this way please” the Captain led Watson into the hut. “This is General Cormac” “Major” Cormac shoke his hand “General.” “Sit, sit please” “thank you sir” Watson took a seat and was handed a Dossier. Watson looked at the Dossier and looked back up, with a surprised voice he asked “sir?” “Read it Watson.” He opened the Dossier:
Lieutenant Colonel: Wundo, Jerad A
117th Airborne, Bravo Company, 12th Squad
Wisconsin, USA
“Sir?” “The man has taken a squad into Laos, I believe you know them.” Cormac hands a photo to Watson, “Whiskey?” the Captain walks back in “uh yes, yes sir.” Watson struggles to swallow his drink “what, what do you want me to do?” “Eliminate Wundo, and the squad.” Sweat travels down Watsons Brow “and how do I get to Laos and Kill a Colonel and a Squad?” The Captains clears his throat “ahem” “you will be given a PBR and accompanied by a Green Beret team.” Cormac stands up, “now Watson, there is a huey waiting for you outside, if there is nothing else” Cormac pauses. “uh no, no sir.” The Captain lights his cigarette “this mission doesn’t exist Colonel, remember that, if you speak about it you will be in the firing line.” “Yes, I understand.” Watson Salutes “well then Watson, your chariot awaits, the Huey will take you to the Air Cavalry where the PBR is waiting, good luck.” Cormac shakes his hand and Watson walks out.
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Originally posted by selene0789 View PostCould you add some indents and spacing between paragraphs? Trying to read it as is makes my eyes cross.sigpicOhhhhhhhh WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM
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Originally posted by LT. COL. John Sheppard View Postyea sorry bout that, i just copied it right out of word there was spaces there so i asumed they'd be copied to
Spoiler:At first glance, the most glaring issue is punctuation. There's a lot of commas that create lots of run-on sentences, which would better with periods that would create multiple sentences out of that single run-on. Also, you shift between past and present tenses, which confuses me further. You also switch between first and third person Point of View. All of these things combine into a very difficult read, but don't get discouraged. These are simple fixes.
That said, I'm not sure how the quote from Lyndon B. Johnson is meant to be incorporated into the story. Is it a preface sort of thing, like on Criminal Minds episodes? Or did someone tell Watson that when he was a kid, and it stuck with him through the years until he was in the middle of torrential downpour, and it sprang to mind like a long-belated I-told-you-so?
One of the things I learned in a writing class recently is that it's very dangerous to start a story with someone waking up in bed. It's even more dangerous to start a story with someone waking up in bed-- in the first person POV. It gives the reader no context through which to identify with the protagonist. Here it's especially true. For the first half, I have no idea who he is or why he's in Saigon. I don't know why he's dreaming of Lyndon B. Johnson.
Wait. Is the first-person character in the beginning the person who become Watson in the third-person POV? That's what I got out of it, so if not, you probably need some more clarification as well.
That's all I can tell you at the moment, since you provided us with such a small snippet of what clearly seems to be a larger story. And again, don't be discouraged, or take my critique as a personal attack. I only mentioned all that I did because it's the only way anyone improves. I wouldn't be doing you, myself, or anyone else any favors by keeping quiet.
I'm interested to see what might follow. Will eventually be turned into a Stargate fic? Because that would be awesome.
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sig by Ikorni
"When Colonel Maybourne and yourself were stranded off world, Major Carter felt a similar sense of frustration. She despaired at the thought of never seeing you again." ~Teal'c
"I didn't leave,because I'd have rather died myself,than lose Carter." ~Jack O'Neill
SaraBahama FanFic; AO3
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Originally posted by SaraBahama View Postheh heh
This is the Assassin's Way part 17 complete
"Elegant beauty is Nature. but only for the gentle and soft Flower" ~Hu Ge
"The one thing every new hairstylist must learn is how to do hair in a combat zone!" Bob; owner of Bob & Weave's Combat Salon in Red Dust Club, an original story currently in progress
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I have a question. I'm writing a fic that I anticipate using flashbacks with. But as I go about doing it, I realize that some of it may be a little skewed.
Is it a no-no to tell a story using flashbacks of a character who has since died?
Maybe flashbacks is the wrong term to use when trying to describe my plot device. It's not a flashback per se, but rather a jumping between past and present. I'm not trying to tell it as a single person telling her version past events to an audience. It's meant to be a literal merge of past and present in story telling.
But am I allowed to use the POV of a now-dead person?
Now that I'm trying to ask this question, I'm starting think it's an idea that will only work if I pull it off. How bizarre is that? Sometimes it's frustrating being an author-- I think too much.
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Originally posted by selene0789 View PostI have a question. I'm writing a fic that I anticipate using flashbacks with. But as I go about doing it, I realize that some of it may be a little skewed.
Is it a no-no to tell a story using flashbacks of a character who has since died?
Maybe flashbacks is the wrong term to use when trying to describe my plot device. It's not a flashback per se, but rather a jumping between past and present. I'm not trying to tell it as a single person telling her version past events to an audience. It's meant to be a literal merge of past and present in story telling.
But am I allowed to use the POV of a now-dead person?
Now that I'm trying to ask this question, I'm starting think it's an idea that will only work if I pull it off. How bizarre is that? Sometimes it's frustrating being an author-- I think too much.
Its all up to you!!
This is the Assassin's Way part 17 complete
"Elegant beauty is Nature. but only for the gentle and soft Flower" ~Hu Ge
"The one thing every new hairstylist must learn is how to do hair in a combat zone!" Bob; owner of Bob & Weave's Combat Salon in Red Dust Club, an original story currently in progress
Comment
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Originally posted by selene0789 View PostI have a question. I'm writing a fic that I anticipate using flashbacks with. But as I go about doing it, I realize that some of it may be a little skewed.
Is it a no-no to tell a story using flashbacks of a character who has since died?
Maybe flashbacks is the wrong term to use when trying to describe my plot device. It's not a flashback per se, but rather a jumping between past and present. I'm not trying to tell it as a single person telling her version past events to an audience. It's meant to be a literal merge of past and present in story telling.
But am I allowed to use the POV of a now-dead person?
Now that I'm trying to ask this question, I'm starting think it's an idea that will only work if I pull it off. How bizarre is that? Sometimes it's frustrating being an author-- I think too much.sigpic
sig by Ikorni
"When Colonel Maybourne and yourself were stranded off world, Major Carter felt a similar sense of frustration. She despaired at the thought of never seeing you again." ~Teal'c
"I didn't leave,because I'd have rather died myself,than lose Carter." ~Jack O'Neill
SaraBahama FanFic; AO3
Comment
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I am struggling with the idea of taking in another furbaby:
george.jpg
The problem is that I have a 12 year old anxious female cat who may love it or hate it...rather a 'Schrodinger's cat' situation of my own. I just have to open the box, in a manner of speaking.sigpic
sig by Ikorni
"When Colonel Maybourne and yourself were stranded off world, Major Carter felt a similar sense of frustration. She despaired at the thought of never seeing you again." ~Teal'c
"I didn't leave,because I'd have rather died myself,than lose Carter." ~Jack O'Neill
SaraBahama FanFic; AO3
Comment
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Originally posted by selene0789 View PostI have a question. I'm writing a fic that I anticipate using flashbacks with. But as I go about doing it, I realize that some of it may be a little skewed.
Is it a no-no to tell a story using flashbacks of a character who has since died?
Maybe flashbacks is the wrong term to use when trying to describe my plot device. It's not a flashback per se, but rather a jumping between past and present. I'm not trying to tell it as a single person telling her version past events to an audience. It's meant to be a literal merge of past and present in story telling.
But am I allowed to use the POV of a now-dead person?
Now that I'm trying to ask this question, I'm starting think it's an idea that will only work if I pull it off. How bizarre is that? Sometimes it's frustrating being an author-- I think too much.Sum, ergo scribo...
(Yes, I'm female. Okay?)
My own site ** FF.net * All That We Leave Behind * Symbiotica ** AO3
sigpic
now also appearing on DeviantArt
Explore Colonel Frank Cromwell's odyssey after falling through the Stargate in Season Two's A Matter of Time, and follow Jack's search for him. Significant Tok'ra supporting characters and a human culture drawn from the annals of history. Book One of the series By Honor Bound.
Comment
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Originally posted by SaraBahama View PostI am struggling with the idea of taking in another furbaby:
[ATTACH=CONFIG]36208[/ATTACH]
The problem is that I have a 12 year old anxious female cat who may love it or hate it...rather a 'Schrodinger's cat' situation of my own. I just have to open the box, in a manner of speaking.
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