Joseph Mallozzi's Blog! (SPOILERS For All SG Shows and Dark Matter)

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...ex-girlfriend/

December 10, 2012

Photos: My Super Ex-Girlfriend


Dis movie reminiscent of monster’s ex-girlfriend, Mona Hildeberger. One time, she get so mad after me use dishwasher to dry socks dat she spike monster’s L’Oreal shampoo wit Nair hair remover. For two months while wait for fur to grow back, me kept getting mistaken for member of Blue Man Group. Very unpleasant memories.

Fortunately, dis movie not so unpleasant at all. It never fully realize its potenshul, but it still solid wit nice fun bits. Just like Mona Hildeberger.

Matt just be a regular, shy office guy who looking for a woman to love. He tink he find her in Jenny Johnson, a seksy nerd he meet on de subway. She seems very sweet – but awkward and distrakted. And, it turn out, for good reason. Becuz nerdy Jenny Johnson really a seksy superhero called G-Girl!

She take him flying. She break his bed trying to bang him. Life be pretty good for Matt.

UNTIL tings start to get weird. Problem #1: he kidnapped and roughed up by G-Girl’s arch-nemesis, Professor Bedlam, played by de always awesome Eddie Izzard. Apparently, he old high school friend of Jenny’s and still sekretly in love wit her (and VERY jealous of Matt). But dis pale in comparison to problem #2: Jenny be a crazy woman! She super alright. Super jealous and super unstable!

Matt’s super ex-girlfriend make his life a living hell. She tear up his apartment. Tosses his car into orbit. And, in one partikularly inspired scene, she trow a shark at him after he hook up wit girl from his office!

Matt be super-screwed. But salvation come from a most unlikely source = Professor Bedlam who, now in possession of super power-leeching meteor, need Matt’s help to set up G-Girl. And poor, harassed Matt only to happy to oblige.

Matt profess his love for Jenny/G-Girl and convince her to join her at his place. Everyting going according to plan until – girl from his office show up. All sorts of awkward! G-Girl about to beat crap out of Matt when – Dwight from De Office show up and open gift box containing meteor. G-Girl lose her powers. At which point Professor Bedlam show up! Chaos! Meteor blows and return superpowers to G-Girl! But office girl get super powers too! Super catfight ensue!

Who win? G-Girl? Office Girl? Neither. Love conquer all! Professor Bedlam profess his love for G-Girl! And Matt get himself a new super girlfriend in Office Girl!

Verdikt: It great to see a woman in dominant role. Monster like dis. Grover like dis too but in completely different scenario me not comfortable talking about here.

Rating: 7 chocolate chippee cookies.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...alypse-primer/

December 11, 2012

Photo: Planet crash


With the Apocalypse almost upon us, I thought it might be nice to take some time and offer up a brief overview of the impending global cataclysm so that you can all have a better understanding of exactly what the hell is going on as the world around you comes to its ignoble end. The ensuing information is the result of my exhaustive research (I perused wikipedia and a couple of crackpot sites) on the subject and will hopefully offer some solace as humanity faces the greatest mass hysteria-fueled Armageddon since Y2K...

Don’t delay. Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and board that space shuttle for the Mars colony. There’s no time to waste as... Oh. You didn’t have the foresight to purchase a ticket to the Mars colony? Well, sorry to say they sold out years ago right after that Roland Emmerich movie came out. On the bright side, you don’t have to worry about what to pack. Or kissing anyone goodbye (your own ass doesn’t count) because we’ll all be going together on...

December 21, 2012. IF the Mayan are to be believed. No, scratch that. Technically, they Mayans didn’t make any apocalyptic predictions. They just happened to create a calendar that ends on the aforementioned date. But why, you no doubt wonder, THAT particular day? No one knows for certain but many read dark portents in this ancient decision. Others, like my writing partners, Paul, figure the Mayans simply figured “Yeah, five thousand years is long enough. Let’s stop there.” The Mayans may not have specifically foretold of the end times, but that didn’t stop many “experts” from inferring as much, their conclusions drawn from loose interpretations of similar doomsday prophecies, suspect astronomy, and personal theories occasionally born of far out mushroom trips.

Frightening but true. The Mayans were not the only ones to predict the world would end on December 21, 2012 be co-opted into loony December 21, 2012 doomsday theories. The Hopi Indians, the I-Ching (as interpreted by some “psychonaut”), even Nostradamus himself hint at some extinction-level event occurring sometime in the vague future...Oh, let’s pick a date...say...December 21, 2012.

December 21, 2012? O.M.G.!

Well, that pretty much confirms it then. With that out of the way, let’s shake things up a little and adopt a totally different tact. Let’s try applying logic to the the Apocalypse. Exactly what will happen? And, more importantly, why?

Hmmm. It really depends on who you ask. Many New Age “experts” see the December 21, 2012 not as a date of doom, but as one of regenesis in which humanity will enter a new more enlightened phase, a “culmination in synchronization of individuals plugged into Earth’s eletromagnetic battery as a result of the planet’s passage through a galactic synchronization beam that started in 3113 B.C” (Wiki). Indian guru Kalki Bhagavin, presumed by his 15 million followers to be the incarnation of the god Vishnu, sees 2012 as the “deadline for human enlightenment” (Wiki).

Other presumptions are decidedly more downbeat:

A galactic alignment will place our planet smack dab in the center of a gravitational pull between our sun and, Saggitarius A, the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy. Never mind that the black hole is 30 000 light years from Earth. Oh, and that this already happened back in 1998.

A massive solar flare will trigger a geomagnetic reversal that will see the positions of magnetic north and magnetic south switch resulting in toilets flushing clockwise in Australia and counter-clockwise in North America. Never mind the fact that these reversals take anywhere from 1000 to 10 0000 years to complete and don’t happen overnight – like, say, the evening of December 20th, 2012.

A rogue planet (referred to as either Planet X or Nibiru by those in the know) will collide with Earth, crushing half the world’s population (and my dream of some day visiting Singapore) and leaving the other half to a far worse fate. Never mind the fact that, if there WAS a rogue planet on a collision course with Earth and scheduled to hit us in less than two weeks, someone with a telescope might have noticed THERE’S A PLANET HEADED STRAIGHT FOR US!

UNLESS every single person who noticed has been sworn to secrecy. Which brings us to the next doomsday scenario: An alien invasion! There are rumors that SETI has been sitting on the news that three alien spacecraft have been spotted on an Earth-bound course. Estimated time of arrival? Oh, around December 21, 2012. There’s even proof (provided by a Denver-based media company) in the form of a picture that shows the trio of UFO’s enroute. Never mind that astronomer Phil Plait has demonstrated that if the UFO’s “in the photo were as large as claimed, [they] would have had to be closer to Earth than the Moon, which would mean [they] would already have arrived.” (Wiki).

The red super-giant, Betelgeuse, will go supernova, crispy frying Earth and quashing Alabama’s hopes of a repeat National Championship. Never mind the fact that Betelgeuse would need to be approximately 575 light years closer to affect us if it went supernova.

Photon belts! Never mind the fact that they don’t exist.

But don’t let me rain on your apocalyptic parade. I’m sure there are far more plausible (though, admittedly, far less popular) doomsday scenarios out there. Supervolcanoes, a spiteful suddenly sentient internet, and robot monkeys are just a few that come to mind.

So get out there and enjoy the time you have left. And, if I’m wrong and these doomsday enthusiasts are right, then who’ll be laughing December 22nd?

Obviously, no one.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...-news-of-note/

December 12, 2012

Videos: Videogame characters who died this year, Pacific Rim trailer


Damn. What do you have to do to get your blog featured on wordpress? Yesterday’s entry, December 11, 2012: An Apocalypse Primer!, was perfect Freshly Pressed material!

Heads up! http://gizmodo.com/5968007/north-kor...-very-bad-news

Planning a vacation? Don’t know where to go? Here, let me help by offering you a list of places NOT to go: http://allwomenstalk.com/top-dangero...o-on-vacation/. So much for that summer getaway in Liberia.

In memory of those (video game characters) we lost in 2012:

“30 years ago one could buy a pass for lifelong, unlimited first-class travel with American Airlines. Now American Airlines is suing people who did”. And other tricks busineses use to rip you off: http://www.omg-facts.com/lists/12/17...u-Off/1?fromTP

This (Report: Google Maps Is Coming Back to iOS Tonight!) is not at all surprising after this (4 nightmare scenarios involving Apple Maps).

Well now, this looks interesting:

Maybe after he’s done hosting our Superhero Movie of the Week Club (sometime in late 2013), Cookie Monster can move on to a Superflop of the Week Club: http://thefw.com/john-carter-and-15-...=zergnet_27318. There was a 134 million dollar movie called Stealth? What’s a Delgo?

Just in time for your winter cleaning: http://www.buzzfeed.com/peggy/33-met...e-ocd-person-i

And my former assistant passed on my suggestion to name his newborn Spearmint: 2012’s Definitive List Of Unusual Baby Names Will Destroy Your Soul

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...-luck-scammer/

December 13, 2012


Akemi and I had just finished our evening workout and were preparing to take the dogs out for their last backyard bathroom visit of the night when, suddenly, the doorbell rang. My first thought was: “Damn charity canvassers. I’ll just ignore them.” And then, as the realization dawned, my second thought was: “It’s 10:00 p.m. That’s no charity canvasser.” I remembered reading that if someone ever comes to your door, if nothing else, you should let them know you’re home – just in case they’re casing the place in preparation to rob it. And, after my brush with a potential home invasion a couple of years back (March 21, 2009: Hi! I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d break in!) I wasn’t about to take any chances. So, I turned on all the lights and looked out the handy window that flanks my door.

Some stranger stood on the porch. Maybe mid-forties, dressed a little shabbily, he seemed to perk up at the sight of me peering out at him. “Yeah?”was my less-than-warm greeting.

“Hi,”he said, loudly enough to be heard through the closed door. ”I’ve been doing some work for Miss Shelby down the road and I have a flat. I was wondering if I could borrow some cab fare to get home.”

It’s not that I was unsympathetic. Just extremely distrustful.

Mistake #1: If he was “doing some work for Miss Shelby”, why wasn’t SHE footing the cab fare?

Mistake #2: Since 95% of the homes in my neighborhood are Chinese-owned, the selection of “Shelby” as a possible run-of-the-mill-maybe-that-IS-my-neighbor’s-name was a poor choice on his part. If he’d gone with “I was doing some work for Mrs. Luang down the road and I have a flat”, I probably would have been more inclined to…well, not believe him, but certainly give him a little more credit for the effort.

“Sorry,”I told him. ”I don’t open my doors to strangers after ten p.m.”. In truth, I rarely if ever open my doors to strangers unless I’m in a haranguing mood.

He looked down at his watch and seemed to think: “****. If I’d just come ten minutes earlier, I’d have cab fare right now!”, looked up and opened his mouth to say something, then thought better of it, turned around and headed back down the walk. He was considerate enough to close the front gate on his way out.

I actually considered checking his story out by hopping into my SUV and circling around the block in search of a car with a flat tire, but changed my mind after imagining that, if he was truly resourceful, he could have flattened some poor, unsuspecting shmo’s tire in the hope that someone would do just that. So, instead, I skipped the car ride and took the dogs out to the backyard as planned, one eye on the Jelly, Bubba, and Lulu, the other eye on the shadowy side of the house (which I imagined as the ideal area from which to launch an ambush).

Well, the rest of the night was uneventful. But that didn’t stop Akemi from suggesting we start locking the front gate after dark. I think she’s a little spooked because this incident comes on the heels of another incident that occurred in Japan. Apparently, a friend was alone one night when she heard someone trying to force the front door of the family home. She yelled and the would-be burglar abandoned his efforts and left. The next day, the police informed her that, since the intruder didn’t actually gain access to the house, there was no point in dusting for fingerprints. If, in the future, said intruder succeeded in gaining entry, then they would certainly dust for prints wherever he happened to leave them (ie. the inside of the doorjamb, the t.v., her throat).

Whenever the subject of home burglaries comes up, I’m always reminded of the Jason Momoa story. Back in his first year on Atlantis, Jason was living in a modest apartment in the downtown center. One night, he was awakened by whispers outside his front door, then the rattle of the doorknob. Someone – someONES! – was trying to break in. As the hushed conversation continued on the other side of the door, Jason crawled out of bed and grabbed the first things handy – a couple of ice axes he’d used on a recent mountain climbing outing. The doorknob rattled. Heart pounding, Jason quietly approached and then -

Threw open the door and jumped out, loosening a no-doubt horrific howl of rage. I’m sure that, to many of his fans, the prospect of having a half-dressed Jason Momoa towering over them would be the stuff of dreams – but in the case of these two fellows, a half-dressed, 6’4 raging over them with an ice axe in each hand was more the stuff of nightmares. They bolted like a couple of scared rabbits – and, I like to imagine, **** their pants as well.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...range-sad-day/

December 14, 2012

Photos: Jelly, Lulu, Bubba


This morning, I dropped off Jelly at the vet hospital for her scheduled ultrasound. She’s been prone to bladder infections over the past couple of years and, lately, in the past few weeks, has been having an alarming number of “accidents” in the house. She’s going to be fourteen this February so, yes, she is getting on in years and that may account for it, but these recent developments have come on so suddenly that I thought it best to get her checked out just in case.

As I always do whenever one of my dogs is about to undergo a procedure, I have someone run me through the specifics. No anesthesia, I was informed. She’d be brought into a dark, quiet room where the ultrasound device would use high frequency sound waves to create an image of her stomach and bladder. It would be relaxed, non-invasive and, at the end of the day, perhaps one of the more pleasant of diagnostics. It sounded so nice I was tempted to make an appointment for myself as well!

I was told they would phone me with the results and a pick-up time for Jelly, so I drove back home and had just sat down to catch up on my emails when I noticed the breaking story on the news feeds. Shocking and incredibly sad. While I’m sure this incident will reignite the long-standing debate on gun control, I think the bigger issue should be mental health and what, if anything, can be done to protect the general population from individuals with obvious psychological issues.

Today’s shooting comes on the heels of a report that an ex-doctor who murdered his own children, aged 5 and 3, during a bitter dispute with his wife, has been released after spending four years in a psychiatric facility. Four years! Ex-doctor’s release proves need for new law, minister says. Just last week here in Vancouver, a man who had been seeing a hospital psychiatrist, attacked three random elderly women, two of whom remain in critical condition. I’m not sure what the answer is but, clearly, the system we have in place isn’t working. I feel as though we just had this conversation (November 29, 2012: Soliciting your opinions on parental responsibility and time travel opportunities! and November 30, 2012: On parental responsibility and time travel II!).

Anyway, today’s events were horrific. And only ten days from Christmas. I can’t imagine what the grieving parents must be going through. Heartbreaking.

Suffice it to say, I found it difficult to accomplish much today outside of following the news reports. I picked up Jelly later this afternoon and, about an hour later, received a call from the vet. On the one hand, there was no sign of any mass in her bladder (a worst case possibility they had warned me about), but something in the results set off, well, if not alarm bells then let’s call them pre-alarm bells. She told me it wasn’t necessarily the case, but there was a chance Jelly could have developed Cushing’s Syndrome, an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, usually the result of a tumor in either adrenal or pituitary gland. The disease is apparently more common in older dogs and treatment can be tricky because, in many cases, the side effects of the treatment are often worse than the disease itself. She asked me whether I’d noticed some recent changes in Jelly’s behavior…

Is she drinking a lot more water? Is she peeing more? Does she pant a lot? Does she always seem very hungry? Well, she’s a pug. As for the other three symptoms – yes, yes, and yes. Perhaps more alarming is the fact that these self-same symptoms have cropped up in Lulu lately. In the past couple of weeks, she just can’t seem to get enough water. Or food. She’ll park herself in front of the wok kitchen where I store the dog food and barks until she gets a some kibble. Very unusual for her. And, yes, she’s been doing A LOT of heavy panting at night.

Jelly is scheduled to go in for some follow-up tests next week and I’m considering bringing Lulu in as well.

I’d received the call from the vet while Akemi and I were out shopping for groceries and, as I explained the situation to her, the older woman walking in front of us informed me that her brother died of Cushings. He had mistakenly been diagnosed with diabetes – apparently the symptoms are similar – and was treated with insulin. In this case, the cure contributed to his death. A sad story but she seemed spirited if not a little wistful. She stopped at the bus shelter. I noticed the roller bag sitting beside her. ”Come on,”I said. ”Let me give you a lift.” She thanked me for the offer but informed me that her destination was well out of my way – a good twenty minute drive from where we were. But, given the type of day I’d had, I actually looked forward to a leisurely ride through a new neighborhood.

And so, I popped her stuff in the trunk and gave her a lift. She was delightful company, an Irish transplant who shares my mom’s affinity for dogs and Maeve Binchy books.

Sure, it was twenty minutes out of my way – and I did get lost on the way back home – but it was, nevertheless, the high point of my day.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...irthday-aspen/

December 15, 2012

Photos: Aspen


My sister’s husky, Aspen, celebrated his 13th birthday today. It’s quite an achievement given the circumstances. The poor boy is battling cancer and has been having a rough time of late. The mass is putting pressure and slowing circulation to one of his paws and causing swelling in his leg. Sis has been bringing him in to physio three times a week.

Apparently, the hydro-therapy helps – but it’s exhausting.

I know what sis is going through as I went through the exact same thing with Maximus. He’d have his good days and his bad days – and, while the bad days never failed to make me doubt the course of treatment, the good days always confirmed I’d made the right choice.

So good luck to Aspen and sis. Today’s blog entry is dedicated to you both. And also to Line Noise and Bella.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...istmas-market/

December 16, 2012

Video: Lightspeed (2006) trailer

Photos: Akemi, the Vancouver Christmas Market, Joe Mallozzi


“Did you miss Santa’s helper?”I heard Akemi ask me.

“Did I miss Santa’s helper?”I asked back.

“Did you meet Sam and Andy?”she seemed to say.

“Did I meet Sam and Andy?”I echoed back quizzically.

“Did you meet Uncle Stansby?”she tried again, the frustration clearly mounting.

“Did I meet Uncle Stansby?”I repeated, growing equally weary.

“DID – YOU – MIS-UNDERSTAND ME?!!!”

Yes. In fact, I had!

Today, we went to the Vancouver Christmas Market, taking advantage of a rare non-rainy day to take in the German-themed fare.

At one point (at Akemi’s insistence) we waited twenty minutes to check out a vast selection of special Christmas ornaments. Fifteen minutes into the chilly line-up, I said to Akemi: “This better be the greatest collection of Christmas ornaments in existence.”

In case you’re thinking of going – they weren’t.

Vancouver Christmas Market | November 24 – December 24 | A …

Our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes tomorrow as guest critic Cookie Monster drops by for his review of Lightspeed. I hear he has a lot to say about this one...

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...ws-lightspeed/

December 17, 2012

Photos: Lightspeed


Dis movie suck more den Grover’s aunt Tildy at a Shriner’s convention.

Movie begin wit guy walking down a dark alley where he encounter shaky creep hiding under dirty blanket. To most sane people, dis be invitation to skedaddle. But not dis guy. He stand and watch as – in movie’s most horrifying sequence – creep trow off blanket and KNOCK COFFEE CUP OUT OF GUY’S HAND. HE GET COFEE EVERYWHERE!!!

Oh, and he a snake man.

CUT TO: SWAT team, Ghost Squad, showing up at scene of some heist. Team members given orders: “You, you and you – go dis way. You, you, and you go dat way.” You, you, and you? You tink dat, maybe, dese guys might be on a first name basis?

Inside building, armed thugs everywhere. Dey led by Snake Man who stroll around all nonchalant, wearing a towel draped over his head like he just finished a spa treatment. He joined by guy whose coffee he spilled in alley. Turns out it he be Snake Man’s brother. Me tink.

SWAT team, led by Lee Majors, move in. Dey sneak up on bad guy guards and strangle and break deir necks. Why bother incapacitating when murdering dem so much easier? CUT TO: dead security guards everywhere. On de floor. In a chair. Coming up de eskalator. Wait. What? Either security guy killed twenty seconds earlier or dis be world’s LONGEST eskalator ride!

SWAT team Ghost Squad get into shootout. Kill bad guys, den manage to sneak up behind other bad guys who, apparently, suffering from inner ear infektions and not hear all dat gunfire. BUT – Snake Man not so easy to sneak up on. AND, like most Snake Men, he know kung fu. He beat up our hero, Daniel, and eskape to a waiting van.

Uh…way to secure de perimeter, SWAT Ghost Squad. Snake Man blow up building – or facsimile thereof. Dem be some bad visual effekts!

FLASHBACK to years earlier where scientist be working on synthetik skin graft. Like most brilliant scientists, he test it on himself first – burning his arm over bunsen burner and slapping on de synthetik skin graft. Unfortunately, it a no go. Oh well, back to de drawing board – and, presumably, de hospital to get treated for turd degree burns.

It turn out our hero, Daniel, be a friend of scientist and he have bad news. Politicians in Washington pulling de plug on his research. He out of money. And becuz he not able to complete his work, his sister – who, coinsidentally was in recent car accident and horribly burned – dies. Well, dat de implikation but it unlikely new coat of skin would have helped much. Still, scientist so mad he break into lab at night and, after caressing and sweet-talking his lab equipment, accidentally start a fire – and get badly burned. He enter weird chamber and become…Snake Man!

FLASHFORWARD to Present Day (spoiler alert: sadly, no aktual presents. ). Daniel diskovered alive. In rubble of 20+ story building(?!). He rushed to hospital in extended multi-cut sekwence punctuated by slo-mo shots of ambulance driving. Bad news: his pelvis and legs be crushed. Good news: Convenient experimental treatment will have him up and around in no time. Even better newz: Ghost Squad caught one of Snake Man’s thugs.

Dat night, Snake Man and his crew show up and shoot hospital staff. Dey sneak up on cops guarding prisoner (who be obviously suffering from same inner ear infektion as bad guys several scenes earlier) and kill dem. Snake Man be partikularly OTT, snapping necks, strutting around and shooting people two-gun style. It as if John Woo’s less talented younger brother made a movie and cast Gorn from de original Star Trek in de lead.

For good measure, Snake Man ratchet up radiation in hero-Daniel’s room. Uh, why Daniel getting radiation treatment? Never mind. Fortunately Daniel manage to hit big red CANCEL RADIATION button by his bed before tings get too uncomfortable. On de one hand, he suffer near lethal dose of radiation. On de other hand, near lethal dose of radiation give him super speed! (Kids, don’t try dis at home).

Daniel run around super fast and collapse. Concerned doctor give him “metabolism juice” to keep his spirits up.

Meanwhile, Snake Man has meeting wit his army at lavish hideout. He prove very temperamental and end up killing his General. Dis bring up a couple of questions:

1. If dis guy crazy enuf to kill his own men, why would anybody work for him?

2. Where he get de money to hire his own private army? Last time monster checked, he couldn’t even afford to continue his research!

3. How it possible we not even at halfway point of movie?

Daniel decide he need a skintight spandex costume to show off his half-boner, so he visit de local sports shop and pick one up.

Cut to: A meeting of scientists in a tiny room. Lead scientist unveils…a “Mass Ionic Dispersal Device!”. Other scientists clearly impressed and applaud. Beat. One pipes up: “What does it do?” What does it do? Seriously? Better question: “Hey, why we all standing around in dis room?”.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, Lee Majors reveals dat, luckily, dey put sekret transmitter in prisoner Snake Man sprung from hospital. Now dey can track de bad guys! Dis be great – if not for de fakt dat movie clearly established months have passed since hospital attack. What took ‘em so long? Ghost Squad head off to get de drop on Snake Man and co. – wit sirens BLARING!

Snake Man and his thugs steal Mass Ionic Dispersal Device. But, before dey can get away, Ghost Squad show up! Shoot-out! Lightspeed zip onto de scene and, for some reason (mebbe to make it a fair fight) not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man. So he get his ass kicked. Snake Man steal device and stroll out to a waiting van where he make his getaway. Again. Ghost Squad really need to bone up on deir perimeter-securing.

Back at Ghost Squad HQ, team suspekt dere be a mole among dem. How else to explain how Snake Man always one step ahead? But monster feel need to point out dat Snake Man NOT one step ahead. Ghost Squad could have caught him twice – if dey had SECURED DE PERIMETER!!!

Member of team Ghost Squad captured and forced to give up location of safehouse where Daniel and his girlfriend living. Snake Man and thugs lay ambush for Daniel who show up – as Lightspeed. Again, he not bother using his super speed to fight Snake Man and, again, Snake Man kick his ass. Den leave wit Daniel’s girlfriend. At dis point, monster can’t help but wonder why? Why bother laying ambush for Daniel if he not going to kill him? Why not kidnap girlfriend and leave before he get dere?

More stoopid **** happen. Finally, Lightspeed and Ghost Squad get location of Snake Man’s HQ. Lightspeed show up and told he have one of two choices: save girlfriend wit bomb strapped to her chest, or save millions of people from device dat will make Washington D.C. chilly. Or super hot. Me apologize but, at dis point, monster distracted by far more interesting Humana Medicare Advantage infomercial.

Lightspeed use his super speed to run to Washinton leaving -

Snake Man and his brother to walk into next room and rough up girlfriend. Lightspeed disarm device. But it not possible for him to race back and save girlfriend in time (In hindsight, he should have just saved girlfriend first to save time but, hey, whatcha gonna do?). Fortunately, Snake Man’s brother chooses dis moment to have sudden crisis of conscience and question whole plan. Why? Why de sudden turn? Duh. Becuz Lightspeed need convenient delay dat will allow him to get back in time to save his girlfriend. Snake Man angry and kill his brother. Den spend next fifteen minutes yelling to himself – conveniently giving Lightspeed plenty of time to get back.

BUT Lee Majors show up and – in movie’s biggest stoopidest twist – it revealed dat HE de mole.

Wait! WHAT?!

How possible for him to be de mole? Why it be necessary to kidnap and torture other Ghost Squad member to get location of Daniel’s safe house when dey could have just asked Lee Majors? If he de mole, why Lee Majors implanted transmitter in Snake Man’s brother? What de Fudgee-o?

Snake Man shoot and kill Lee Majors becuz he be a spiteful boss, den Lightspeed set Snake Man on fire and kick him out window.

Daniel and his girlfriend go on a picnic. De End.

Verdikt: Skript be truly horrible, but it offset by incredibly bad direktion.

Rating: No cookies but one chocolate chippee. Dat turn out to be a rat turd. Sorry.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...d-the-mailbag/

December 18, 2012

Photos: Akemi, helmet, aluminum alloy toe guards, personal air bag system


Over the almost three years we’ve been together, I’ve gotten know a lot about Akemi. For one, she’s an amazing cook. She also excels at gift-wrapping. She’s incredibly kind and considerate. She loves dogs (especially Bubba). She’s afraid of spiders, mysterious night time noises, and any food that has been sitting in the refrigerator for over a week. Oh, and she’s a tad klutzy. The sight of her wielding a kitchen knife fills me with dread. Still, There’s something downright adorable about the way she’ll trip over the most seemingly innocuous things (a rock, the curb, a discarded lozenge), shouting “Ooooo!” or “Kyaa!” or loosening a cross between a shriek and squeak as she stumbles forward, arms windmilling, hands scrambling for purchase. I have never known a woman with such bad walking luck. It’s as if there exists some inexplicable law of attraction between the heels of her shoes and every crack and cranny in the sidewalk. It’s kind of amusing, almost endearing – unless she has her arm around you at the time in which case, depending on how well-balanced you are in that split second, you could be going down for the count along with her.

There was the time she tripped over the bicycle path while carrying Jelly and fell flat on her face like some hard luck cartoon character, arms outstretched, buffering the blow for my eldest pug who landed, none the worse for wear, and ambled off. There was the time she tripped going up the stairs and broke her glasses. And then, there was the other day…

I came home to find her at the door, looking incredibly sheepish. ”I fell again,”she admitted and then, after showing me the beginnings of her various bruises, proceeded to re-enact the sequence of events. She was playing keepaway with our french bulldog, Lulu. Dog toy in hand, she raced down the hall, Lulu hot on her heels. But she was moving too fast, failed to negotiate the turn and wiped out, landing as pictured above – sprawled, left arm extended and still clutching the dog toy. Lulu stopped and looked down at her, perhaps considering how best to console her – then decided against it, grabbed the dog toy out of her hand, and scampered away with her prize.

As a result, I’ve decided to revise my Christmas list insofar as Akemi is concerned. I’m thinking either this -

These -

Or this -


Mailbag:

Anthony Porter writes: “It’s the worst thing to happen to Salt Lake since the Giant Brine Shrimp! (http://youtu.be/OEQd17JjxxU).”

Answer: Terrifyingly tasty!

dasndanger writes: “Joe, I have a few questions… 1. Are you going to restart the BOTM club, perhaps in the new year?”

Answer: Thinking about it.

“2. If so, can we do Dark Matter? (I’m pretty sure we haven’t, though I know you’ve answered questions about it already throughout various blog entries.)”

Answer: Hmmm. I thought we had discussed Dark Matter as a book of the month club selection but, apparently, we haven’t. Great idea now that the trade paperback is out. I’ll schedule it for February.

3. If the BOTM thing is too much, what about a book every other month, or so?

Answer: No, a book a month is fine. And I think I’ll start taking requests this time around as well.

4. Regarding previous BOTM Q&As, when an author doesn’t get back to you with the answers, does it put you off their work?

Answer: Not so much their work as it does hosting a book of the month club. I understand people are busy and try to make things as easy as possible for them to participate – gauging their interest at first and, if they’re keen, sending them the Q&A, informing them that they are free to pick and choose among the questions and that there is no hard deadline to get back to us. Even so, a few of those Q&A’s went out, never to be responded to. And when it happen twice in a row, well, I decided to put the club on indefinite hiatus.

5. Are you reading any comics at the moment?

Answer: I am. In trades, I just finished up Jason Aaron’s Scalped and am still reading Kirkman’s The Walking Dead, Lemire’s Sweet Tooth, and Layman and Guillory’s Chew. As far as ongoing titles, I used to love Iron Man and The Ultimates, but dropped them soon after the creative shift. Still enjoying Waid’s work on Daredevil and Rucka’s Punisher. Same goes for Scott Snyder’s Batman. Jason Aaron on Thor has been a pleasant surprise as has Mark Waid’s take on the Hulk. Fantastic Four, with Fraction assuming writing duties, has also impressed. Still picking up Ultimate Spiderman and Matt Fraction’s Hawkeye. Am sticking with All-New X-Men, Avengers Arena Thunderbolts, and Captain American for now.

PBMom writes: “Thanks everyone for the Patrick birthday wishes. He had a bad seizure on Saturday, but he is okay today. Had a quiet day at school. We go back to the doctor for him after the holidays.”

Answer: Here’s hoping for a happy and restful holiday for both you Patrick.

Bella&Kasper writes: “We had a harrowing experience last night. On the way home from Christmas & wedding (my step daughter is getting married Fri with a reception at our place) shopping, I hit a moose with my brand new little Subaru Forester.”

Answer: Glad to hear you and your hubby are okay (well, better than your Subaru anyway). Where did this happen?

Maggiemayday writes: “Mmm, marzipan. I adore marzipan.”

Answer: Marzipan is a contentious issue. It’s hard to find people not passionate on the subject. I, for one, love it. On other hand, you have people like Akemi and my writing partner, Paul, who hate it.

Paloosa writes: “I got some good news this past week. Thankfully, Norman hasn’t grown much and is considered stable. I don’t have to worry about the little dude for another year.”

Answer: Great to hear.

Ponytail writes: “Hilarious convesation with Akemi. That first picture of her is very pretty. Is it recent? I’m just noting the sleeveless dress. You must keep a very warm house.”

Answer: That’s Japanese fashion for you. Today, she wore a skirt out shopping. In 0 degree (32 Fahrenheit) weather.

mike mcginnis writes: “when is the SGA recap going to continue?”

Answer: Our trip down Stargate: Atlantis memory lane will continue, with SGA’s fifth and final season, in the new year.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...chino-and-ivy/

December 19, 2012

Photos: Snowy roads, Chino and Ivy


I opened the back door this morning to let the dogs out only to discover that, overnight, Vancouver had been transformed into a winter wonderland. The yard, garage, and surrounding trees were adorned with a thick white dusting. And Mother Nature wasn’t done yet. I looked on, amazed, as it continued to flurry, big fat flakes drifting down to perfect the ideal White Christmas tableau. My dogs, on the other hand, weren’t quite as impressed. They eyed the transformation, sniffed the air and exchanged what looked suspiciously like WTF? looks before trotting back inside and going back to sleep.

Alas, no going back to sleep for me. I was up and had errands to run. Gifts to drop off. Comic books to pick up. Girlfriends to drop off at their various English classes!

The road conditions were tricky but manageable, paricularly for a seasoned Montreal driver like yours truly who drives a big-ass SUV and had the foresight to switch out his summer wheels for winter tires. Unfortunately for yours truly, it appears that a significant number of Vancouver drivers: 1. Evidently forgot they lived in Canada and 2. Failed to get winter or all-season tires AND 3. Have evidently never driven in inclement weather before. The streets were a disaster. Cars stuck, spinning their wheels in frustration, or advancing at a cautious snail’s pace, commanding both lanes of the two-lane street. I spent half my day in traffic.

When I returned home, I was finally able to coax the dogs out. But only partway. Whereas the lawn is prime pooping real estate in the spring, summer, and fall, all bets are off come winter. Apparently, now, anywhere it has snowed is fair territory. My french bulldog, Lulu, two three steps, decided the end of the porch was good enough, did her business and scampered back inside.

Today, I’d like to bring to your attention a pet-related cause.

First up, there’s this very sad story about a family dog (a pitbull named Chino) who was shot by a police officer in Charlotte, N.C.:

“That’s when Chino and Ivy rushed outside for some love.

They weren’t barking, they weren’t growling. They were running around me,” Janneth Sanchez said.

Sanchez says she bent over and held Chino by the hips. At the same time Officer D. Bryant yelled at her to grab Chino, and officer Bryant shot and killed Chino by the time he finished his sentence.”

(http://www.wcnc.com/news/local/Famil...183999761.html)

By the way, Janneth Sanchez, Chino’s owner, was eight pregnant at the time. Outrageous.

You can sign a petition demanding that the Police Officer responsible, D.Bryan, Badge # 4450, be held accountable for his actions: TAKE ACTION! Demand Justice for Chino and Ivywww.causes.comChino was shot and killed in Charlotte, NC on private property by a police officer D BRYAN on December 16, 2012. Ivy was also shot but only injured in the incident. Neither dogs were attacking the officer or showing any sign of aggression. Let’s help to get justice for this family. BACKGROUND IN…

Or lend the family some support by visiting here: Justice For Chino and Ivy

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...debeest-guide/

December 20, 2012

Photos: Dinner at Wildebeest


Last night, Akemi and I met up with Simon and Sean for dinner at a restaurant I’ve been eager to check out for quite some time: Wildebeest. According to the restaurant’s website, its focus is on “Meat-centric, off-cut farmhouse fare simply prepared with immaculate ingredients and thoughtful creativity”, reminiscent of L.A.’s Animal and Toronto’s Black Hoof, two other places I’ve been dying to try.

Because of the recent snowfall Vancouver’s inept drivers we gave ourselves plenty of time, leaving the house one full hour ahead of our 6:00 p.m. reservation and arriving fifteen minutes early. Surprisingly, Simon also erred the side of caution and showed up at the same time. Sean, unfortunately, ended up stuck in traffic and didn’t get there until 6:30 – so we went ahead and made the executive dinner decisions.

To be honest, I wanted to try pretty much everything on the menu. As Akemi put it, it would have been far simpler to just tell our waiter what we DIDN’T want from the listed items. In the end, we decided to go with a few starters, a few mains, and a few sides. This is how our meal broke down:

The pork was perfectly prepared, crisp and succulent, and the Wildebeest mustard (honey dijon) made for a great dipping accompaniment. Simon, however, wasn’t totally sold on the coating.

Wonderfully rustic, studded with pistachio and hazelnuts. Akemi, with a taste for the slightly sour, polished off the pickled veggies.

One of the more intriguing plates of the night. I liked it but didn’t love it. Hearts are tricky at the best of times, predisposed to being a little tough, and deep-frying them renders them that much chewier.

While Akemi prefers her tongue crispier and thinly sliced, Simon and I marveled over its mouth-meltingly tender texture here. The broth was outstanding.

I’ll got ahead and call this my favorite dish of the night. A nice contrast of tastes and textures – crisp, tender, sweet and savory. Probably the best preparation of the sweetbreads I’ve ever had.

I know you’d think I’d be a belly guy but, in truth, my favorite part of the pig is the jowl (with the temple coming in a close second). You’ll be hard-pressed to find a more tender cut and Wildebeest’s take does it full justice.

An addition to the regular menu. I liked the preparation but found the sunchokes underdone.

Heavily marbled but deliciously smokey.

I’m used to the Au Pied de Cochon version which is a lot heavier on the foie, but this one was a consensus winner – surprisingly, less so for the foie than for the crunchy yet meaty golden fries.

This one was a late addition. As much as I enjoy a good pate or a pan-seared preparation, nothing beats a good torchon. And Wildebeest does a damn good one.

We decided to run the table on dessert, ordering all four on the menu...

This was the dessert I was most looking forward to, less so for the fruit elements (of course) than for the inclusion of the 63 degree egg yolk. In the end, I didn’t love it – although Akemi did.

This one was the hands down winner. The cheesecake is almost a foam – light, airy, very tasty. I was not a fan of the quince sorbet, its fizzy tartness reminiscent for me of slightly turned apple juice, but Akemi loved it.

I was dubious about the candied beets when I saw them on the menu and, quite honestly, in the end, they failed to convince me. Still, they fell somewhere in between the tonka ice cream (great) and the cake itself (disappointingly dry).

Well, I’ll give them points for trying. Brie with buttermilk ice cream? At first blush it sounds a little off-putting but, after giving it some thought, it sounds like it may work. It didn’t for me.

A few minor quibbles with our savory courses but there were at least three or four standout dishes I would recommend to a friend or look forward to on my return visit. The desserts, on the other hand, while interesting failed to impress.

The atmosphere is laid back; comfortably casual. The service was terrific, friendly and informative. And the price point was a surprise, roughly half what you’d expect to pay elsewhere for a similar meal in the city!

Overall, an excellent dinner. I look forward to coming back to try that roasted bone marrow luge with almond butter and tomato jam.

Wildebeest

This was a farewell feast for Simon who heads of to greener – and no doubt tastier – international culinary pastures.

Bon Voyage and Bon Appetit!

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...our-time-zone/

December 21, 2012


Hunh. With all due respect to the doomsday sayers, this apocalypse has been vastly overrated. I don’t mean to complain but I put off my Christmas shopping figuring there would be no real point given the coming global catastrophe. And now here I find myself, still in one piece, but with a “to buy” list as long as line-ups outside the public bathrooms in Bugarach right about now. The tiny French town was expecting some 20 000 idiots apocaloptomists to flock to a local mountain where aliens are rumored to be living. The thinking, apparently, is that said aliens may have extra room on their space ships and might be amenable to offering lifts outside the Alpha Centauri cosmic limits when it all goes to hell.

Well, there’s still time to expect the worst – roughly three hours by my clock – so let’s take a moment and reflect back on our lives. Any regrets? None? Liar!!! If I had a time machine, I would certainly go back and offer my past self some sound advice:

1971: Take that entire box of comic books, put it in the garage, and forget about it for the next forty years.

1972: Never mind what mom says. The long hair ain’t cute.

1974: You and Christian Summer Camp. NOT a good mix. (P.S. As much as you love them and think it’s a terrific idea, DON’T order five ice cream sandwiches at tuck).

1975: Steer clear of that trampoline!

1978: What did I say about the hair?

1979: Your parents are wrong. Time spent on Dungeons and Dragons will pay off A LOT more than time wasted on any math or Canadian history class.

1982: Buy extra coca cola to go with that white rum.

1984: Savor this Raiders Super Bowl victory. The next one will be a long time coming.

1985: Attend you East Asian History class on a more regular basis. Notice your classmates sooner. Yes, that one.

1987: Don’t bother with that road trip to Quebec City.

1989: Seriously. She talks to her teddy bears. AND has them answer back. Get out now!!!

1995: Spend more time with Kennedy from sales.

1997: Take the year off to travel.

1998: In the unlikely event you didn’t follow the aforementioned advice, take it now.

1999: Don’t do it!

2008: Push the agenda sooner. Get that movie in the can early because…you never know.

2009: Don’t put off until four years from now what you can do today.

2011: Take the year off. Relax. Travel. Maybe freelance from home. If nothing else, be less accommodating.

That’s it off the top of my head. I’m sure more will come to mind. Luckily for everyone, I hear that, depending on the translation of the Mayan texts, doomsday was actually today – or Sunday the 23rd.

Yes, of course! That’s what everyone meant.

Apocalypse later then.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...holiday-plans/

December 22, 2012

Photo: Super heroes


Well, this is nice. I received request to have my superhero-themed short story, “Downfall”, reprinted for an upcoming anthology by Rich Horton. Rich is an SF enthusiast, avid reader, and reviewer for publications like Black Gate, Fantasy Magazine, and Locus. He read “Downfall” when it first appeared in the Lou Anders-edited Masked and had very nice things to say about it at the time, referring to it as “nicely twisty [...] involving throughout, with some worthwhile surprises.”

Looks like I’ll be in great company, sharing the pages of this collections alongside the likes of Peter S. Beagle and Kelly Link.

From the book jacket: ”Superheroes: modern gods and goddesses, remote, revered, but like the pantheon of heroes and heroines of ancient myth, great power tempered with flaws. And now, find within these pages tales by gifted and award-winning authors who move superheroes from the four-color panels of comic books to fiction… reminding every adult of the child within, who ever wanted to wear a cape and cowl!”

You can order it here: Superheroes

On December 26th, I’ll be joining Barbara Barnett on Blog Talk Radio for the first of a two-part Stargate: Universe-themed discussion. If you’d like to ask participate, tune in at 8:00 p.m. on Wednesday, December 26th, when we’ll be chatting about/fielding questions on SGU’s first season. Then, tune in again January 2nd for a discussion on season 2. And, if you’re feeling particularly bold and questiony, call in at (718) 305-6982 when we’re on the air. Details here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/barbara...verse-season-1 … [update: the Q&A forum will be open to questions about all three Stargate shows - SG-1, Atlantis, and Universe].

So, provided the world doesn’t end (again) tomorrow, what are all your holidays plans?

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...-akemi-and-me/

December 23, 2012

Video: Jelly

Photos: Pugs


From my family to yours. Happy Holidays!

Jelly goes for a walk – Christmas Edition:

P.S. A reminder that I will be joining Barbara Barnett on Blog Talk Radio this Wednesday night (9 p.m. Eastern, 8 p.m. Central, 6 p.m. West coast time) to discuss Stargate: Universe’s first season – and field all Stargate-related questions. Tune in. Call in (718) 305-6982). Details here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/barbara...verse-season-1 …

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...-reviews-zoom/

December 24, 2012

Photos: Zoom


Dis be less a movie and more an interminable collektion of lame musical montage sekwences punctuated by occasional attempts at a plot, charakter development and, worst of all, humor.

It say a lot about dis catastrophe dat de most interesting part of Zoom be opening five minute info-dump voice-over dat explain how two brothers, Zoom and Concussion, were part of superhero team (Zenith) until government experiment wit extra radiation (Gamma 13) turn Concussion evil and cause Zoom to lose his powers. Concussion eliminate other team members but he blasted and seemingly killed. Until…

Turdy years later, scientists be tracking “a pan dimensional anomaly moving toward our space-time continuum” (accompanied by computer graphic dat seem to indikate de other dimension be lokated somwhere outside Long Beach). Huh? Not “huh” as if “Wow! Dis too complikated for monster to understand!” but “Huh, dis make absolutely no sense!”. It as if someone couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass techno-babble. In hindsight, dis not so surprising since it turn out same people couldn’t even be bothered to come up wit half-ass rest of movie.

Decision made to hire washed-up former Zoom to train new team Zenith. We introduced to each potential new member in – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

At Area 51, Zoom and scientists hold American Idol-like auditions for new team Zenith – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Making de cut are kids wit real super powers – invisibility, telekinesis, super strength – and some chubby kid who can inflate himself. New Team Zenith trains – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Zoom takes kids out on a joyride in a flying saucer. Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Kids trap scientist in eco-chamber and press weather buttons. Ho ho ho. Scientist get rained on. Snowed on. He get struck by lightning. Struck by avalanche. Sprayed by a skunk. Actors unconvincingly convey hilarity.

Kids train some more – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Invisible boy and telekinesis girl develop romance. Dey have all de seksual chemistry of John Madden and Pat Sumerall.

Zoom, meanwhile, reflekts back on de old days – CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Finally, it’s time! Concussion arrives “in our space-time continuum”. And, boy, he pissed. Zoom try to talk some sense into his brother. But no go. Army try to capture his brother. But no go. So Team Zenith launch into action. Concussion not so tough. He get beat on by a bunch of kids! How possible for him to ever be considered such a threat?

Zoom get his powers back and trap Concussion in a vortex dat, uh, draw de evil radiation out of his brother’s body.

CUE MUSICAL MONTAGE SEKWENCE!

Verdikt: As much as makers would want it to be, Sky High II dis aint.

Rating: 1/2 chocolate chippee cookie and one coupon for half-price laxative.

Monster wish everyone Happy Holidays!