Joseph Mallozzi's Blog! (SPOILERS For All SG Shows and Dark Matter)

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November 25, 2012

Video: Jelly

Photos: Snow monkeys, sushi, ice cream, Lulu


With two weeks left to go in our fantasy football league season, my Snow Monkeys are fighting for their playoff lives. Only 8 of 14 teams will advance to the post-season and, with a record of 6-5, my Monkeys face a near must-win match-up this weekend against Rob Cooper’s Landsharks. Looking good however. We’ve built up a nice lead, but anything can happen! Will Cam Newton have a big game against the woeful Eagles? Will Manning throw another TD to Victor Cruz? Will Aaron Rodgers remember that James Jones plays for his team?

Since it was an all-important weekend in fantasy land, I expected a big turnout today for by weekly football gatherings. Alas, Rob had to bow out on account of work (and, I suspect, not wanting to suffer the humiliation of being crushed by my Snow Monkeys). Ivon elected to stay home and watch the Grey Cup, the Canadian Football League championship game pitting the Moosejaw Maple-Beavers against the Toronto Lumberjacks. Lawren, meanwhile, said he would come over AND bring pie, but canceled at the last minute – and failed to drop off said pie. That, of course, meant more sushi for Akemi and me:

And, of course, Sunday Morning Ice Cream. This week’s flavor...

A nice, sunny day in Vancouver. I did manage to take a break from all the football to walk the dogs.

Ever wanted to lick your own nose? Let Jelly show you how:

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November 26, 2012

Photos: X-Men: The Last Stand


On de one hand, dis movie not as good as de original or sekwel. On de other hand, it not make monster want to vomit, kick in his t.v., or punch someone in de nards.

Movie pick up where last one left off. Jean Grey be dead and X-Men be in mourning. Cue cornball cliche shot of boyfriend Cyclops single-tear-tracking-shot.

But no time for boo hoo. Breaking news! Pharmaceutical giant, Worthington Labs, has created drug dat counteract mutant gene, effektively “curing” mutantism. Dis, of course, be a big deal and offer up very interesting moral, ethical and philosophical dilemma – dat never really explored. Instead, movie drop a second major plot onto viewers’ laps. Cyclops, off on his own, hear Jean’s voice at remote lake. She magikally appear to him and, when dey kiss, she go all darkside on him and…kill him? Whisk him away to Narnia? Me not sure. But one ting for certain. Cyclops not in rest of movie – which make kind of no sense. He be team leader and, more importantly, Jean’s boyfriend. His charakter should be at center of dis emotional storyline focusing on her return. Instead, he simply written out of de movie so dat DIS guy can take over de spotlight role -

Monster understand dat Wolverine charakter more popular but dis feel like a bad creative decision dat never really pay off.

Magneto gather up his gang of merry evil mutants and camp out like a bunch of nature-loving Occupy Forest protesters. His plan: get Dark Phoenix. Oh, and scuttle plans for anti-mutant drug by eliminating de source: a boy, nicknamed Leech, who possess mutant-dampening powers.

So, we have two major stories – return of Dark Phoenix and introduktion of mutant scare – either of which would have made a great plot for one movie. Instead, by cramming dem both into a single film, dey lumber and jockey for position like Big Bird and Snuffalupagus during last call at Ye Olde Goldbricker Pub. As a result, de climactic battle between de good and evil mutants, while visually specktacular, be devoid of any real emotional stakes. Sure, we don’t want Magneto to kill de kid and, sure, we know it going to be hard for Wolverine to skewer Phoenix, but ultimately it just feel like unsatisfaktory rush-job (Which remind monster. Do NOT hire Grover’s brother’s company to renovate your home. Monster slept in for forty eight hours straight until me realize it not night time but just dey painted windows as well.).

Also odd:

Casting of Vinny Jones as Juggernaut. He famous for what exaktly? Me guess NOT akting.

Decision to kill off Professor X partway thru movie deny audience great climaktik face-off between him and Magneto. Dis especially weird since Magneto strategizes final battle like game of chess (ie. sacrificing pawns), someting dat would have made more sense if Professor X was strategizing on de other side since it already be established dem playing chess against each other in previous films.

Decision to cast Dr. Fraisier Crane as Dr. Hank McCoy, a charakter who do next to nothing.

Scene in which army surrounds mutant camp and rush in, only to diskover heat signatures picked up on satellite were all versions of Madrox the Multiple Man. What de point?

Oh, and why did Jean come back as Dark Phoenix? Dis never clearly explained.

Verdikt: Too much going on result in confusing, unsatisfaktory turd installment. Scene of golden gate bridge being extended to Alcatrz pretty cool tho.

Rating: 5.5 chocolate chippee cookies.

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November 27, 2012

Photos: Snow monkeys, fantasy football league standing


I had to take a couple of melatonin tablets to fall to sleep last night and ended up dreaming of risky rooftop ball hockey, precariously perched apartments, and Vegas (for some reason, I always dream of Vegas). Why? Did I receive some distressing news? Was I upset by a sudden sad turn of events? Why, yes and yes.

My Snow Monkey, down 30+ points heading into the weekend, came roaring back to to take a 38 point leading into the Monday night game, all but assuring themselves a spot in the post-season. Only to lose by 6 points. The loss leaves us tied for the last playoff spot with one game to play. Ultimately, it’s partly my fault for believing in wide receiver James Jones, partly James Jones’ fault for not putting in a better effort, but mostly, MOSTLY, quarterback Aaron Rodgers’ fault for not once – NOT ONCE! – targeting Jones. Instead, the Packers focused on establishing the run game – DOWN 3 TOUCHDOWNS! Rodgers threw to everyone BUT Jones – and ended up losing the game, and possibly costing my Snow Monkeys their season. If I had played someone else, anyone else – Beanie Well! Malcom Floyd! Ryan Broyles! Daniel Thomas! Hell, even terminally underperforming Dwayne Bowe! – I would have won!

Rodgers and the Packers have officially supplanted the New England Patriots as my #1 team to root against moving forward. As a result, the Patriots move down to #2 and the rest of the hated teams slide accordingly – the Eagles to #3, Broncos to #4, Jets to #5, 49ers to #6, and the Steelers to #7.

The fates have truly conspired against me. I was the second highest scoring team of the week – but had the misfortune of playing the top highest scoring team of the week. Again!

Take a look at the standings...

I mean COME ON! There we are, sitting in 8th place – a team that has outscored almost every other team in the league except one!

Seriously. These are my weeks during the fantasy football season:

Tuesday is committed to researching free agent players to add to my bench. Tuesday nights are long since I’m up until 1:00 a.m. to learn who picked up what player off the waiver wires and, most importantly, find out if I got the players I selected.

Wednesday is spent researching the match-ups for the coming weekend.

I spend Thursday tweaking my starting line-up in advance of any Thursday night match-ups (this Thursday, my QB, Drew Brees, plays against the red hot Atlanta Falcons!) and putting in any late waiver wire requests.

On Friday, I input the stats from the previous night’s game and try to gauge my chances of holding on for the win/pulling off the upset.

Saturday is spent lamenting the fact that I had to wait over two days for more football – and distracting myself with college ball.

Sunday = the BIG day! Up at 8:00 am, pre-game shows to 10:00 a.m., and then games, games, games! I’m jumpier than a squirrel with ADD, hopping from one channel to another, catching a TD pass here, a big run there, a blocked field goal, interception return, occasionally the odd sack. By night’s end, whether I’m jubilant, despondent, or anxiously optimistic – I am also thoroughly exhausted.

Monday’s are a staggered succession of insignificant make-work tasks designed to make time fly enroute to the big Monday Night game where all is either won or lost. Depending on how things pan out, I either enjoy a peaceful night’s sleep, content in the knowledge that I am one step closer to that coveted playoff spot, or lie awake at night, analyzing the choices and plain bad luck that contributed to my looming downfall.

I also find time to eat, walk the dogs, and update this blog.

So it all comes down to next week’s game against the Savela Skitters, managed by my buddy and former Stargate VFX Supervisor (and future “that secret project” VFX Supervisor?) Mark Savela. Win and we’re in. Lose and my Snow Monkeys are done. And I’ll be very, very, VERY angry.

All is not lost. Not yet. But it’s going to be a loooong week.

P.S. I was so upset by the loss that Akemi informed me this would be my last year of fantasy football.

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November 28, 2012


Amid all of the fantasy football researching, number-crunching, and anguishing (see last issue, ed.), I do find time for other pursuits. My supersecret projects come to mind. I know, I know. You’ve heard very little about them – but that’s only because, well, they’re supersecret. Hopefully, they’ll eventually see the light of day (and, preferably, a t.v. screen) in the not too distant future. In the meantime, allow me to offer the following cryptic updates:

Project #1

What is it?: Urban fantasy series.

Status: We completed the first draft of the pilot yesterday.

What can I reveal?: At this point, not much. We’re very happy with the script which offers a nice balance of scares, humor, and character moments. The trio at the heart of the prospective series and their unique relationships will be a blast to write for if this goes.

Project #2

What is it?: Space opera series.

Status: I’m halfway through the series bible. This week, we review the source material and then, next week, Paul and I get together and start breaking the pilot.

What can I reveal?: Oh, regular readers of this blog will figure it out. Nothing written in stone but things are suddenly looking very hopeful for this labor of love.

Project #3

What is it?: SF series.

Status: Friday night, Paul and I go to dinner with the prospective show’s creators to discuss working on the pilot.

What can I reveal?: Again, not much. This one is in the early stages – so far as our (Paul and my) involvement is concerned – but what they’ve put together so far looks great and has some kickass potential.

Project #4

What is it?: SF series based on a literary work by a major scifi author.

Status: This one is in the early stages as well. If the pieces fall into place (and, sometimes, they do), Paul and I will be starting work on the pilot next month.

What can I reveal?: Oh, this one’s the hush-hushiest of them all until a deal gets closed.

Meanwhile, our former Stargate associates are busy with their own projects, supersecret and not...

Brad Wright is working on at least two supersecret projects…that I know of.

Golden Boy Martin Gero completes work on the second season of his series, the L.A. Complex: http://www.facebook.com/TheLAComplexCW

Carl Binder has his own supersecret project under wraps in addition to a not-so-secret project: show-runner for Hallmark’s

And Robert Cooper has so many things on the go I’ve lost track.

Who knows what the future holds. Maybe some of these projects? Maybe none of them? Maybe a food cart specializing in Akemi’s mapo tofu and okonomiyaki?

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November 29, 2012


I just watched We Need to Talk About Kevin, a movie based on the award-winning book of the same title. The film is told from the point of view of a serial killer’s mother. It jumps back and forth in time, tracing her son’s troubled childhood, through his commission of a high school massacre, but mainly focuses on the fallout from his horrific actions – specifically, the price his mother pays. Ostracized, cruelly targeted by the other community members who hold her responsible for what her son did, she meekly accepts the abuse, presumably accepting some share of the responsibility for the tragedy. Her house and car are splattered with red paint, she is slapped, sworn at, coolly ignored and, at one point in the movie, has her purchase of a dozen supermarket eggs demolished by a grieving mother. The ensuing scene which finds her eating dinner at home, alone, lining up the eggshell fragments she fishes them out of her omelet is sad, unintentionally comical, and, in my opinion, improbable. Partly because I couldn’t imagine someone, anyone, passively subjecting themselves to such sustained mistreatment, but mainly because I couldn’t imagine a parent facing such an enormous communal backlash for the actions perpetrated by her son. Especially given the fact that, we later learn, her husband and young daughter were his first victims. It just struck me as an extreme and wrong response.

I mentioned this to my friend, Bill, who happened to have read the book, and his response was a definite: “Oh, that totally happens. Are you kidding?” Really? An entire community holding a parent responsible for her son’s actions? Despite Bill’s insistence, I didn’t buy it. Until I asked Akemi who responded with equal vehemence. Apparently, in Japan, parents are most certainly held accountable for their children’s social transgressions.

I don’t know. In some cases, I can certainly see a parent having to shoulder some of the blame, but I have a hard time faulting them for raising a psychopath, especially given the fact that I’m halfway through Jon Ronson’s brilliant The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry which makes a pretty good argument for the physiological and untreatable nature of sociopathy. According to the book, roughly 1% of the general population are sociopaths, cold, calculated individuals incapable of empathy. Apparently, in addition to excelling at murder, they also make wonderfully successful CEO’s. The rate of recidivism among psychopaths is an astonishing 80%. In other words, 80% of psychopaths purportedly “cured” of their condition will re-offend! Why? Because theirs is not a behavioral condition. They are born that way, the result dysfunctional amygdala, a part of the brain that plays an important role in emotional learning and autonomic responses associated with fear. Now I’m not presuming the average person would be aware of this, but I still find it far-fetched that most individuals would target a parent in this sort of situation. Maybe if their kid stole a car or bullied someone, but mass murder?

What do you think? Should a parent be held accountable for their child’s actions? And what offense-dependent allowances would you make?

On an unrelated topic, this morning, Akemi’s English class was presented with that hoariest of time-travel scenarios: If you could go back in history, who would you want to spend time with? Invariably, whenever this question gets asked, you’ll hear the usual responses: Einstein, Marilyn Monroe, Jesus. Akemi’s response, which I found altogether endearing: her grandfather who passed away when she was very young.

So, do tell. If you could go back in history, who would you want to spend time with?

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November 30, 2012


Well, a lot of interesting responses to yesterday post about parental responsibility. The prevailing opinion seems to be that parents should be held accountable only if their child exhibits problem behavior and no attempt is made to address the issue. But then the question becomes: What do you do? It’s an easy enough answer if you catch your kid hoarding guns and explosives but, oftentimes, the signs of psychosis are far more difficult to act upon. Take this article for instance, sent my way by Robert Cooper this morning: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/05/13/ma...path.html?_r=0. What do you do if you suspect your 9 year old is a psychopath? It makes for some pretty chilling reading. This excerpt in particular:

“She suspected that Michael had been trying to manipulate me and was using similar tricks to manipulate his therapists: conning them into believing he was making progress by behaving well during the hour that he was in treatment. “Miguel likes to think that Michael is growing and maturing,” she said. “I hate to say it, but I think that’s him developing a larger skill set of manipulation.” She paused. “He knows how to get what he wants.”

Psychopaths may lack empathy, but are incredibly good at faking it. They are charming, manipulative, and tend to be very intelligent. From Jon Ronson’s The Psychopath Test: A Journey Through the Madness Industry:

“All those chats about empathy were like an empathy-faking finishing school for him: “I did learn how to manipulate better,” he said, “and keep the more outrageous feelings under wraps better.”

Just the other day, a 22 year old B.C. resident with “sociopathic tendencies”, Kayla Bourque, was set to be released on probation after serving several months for torturing to death some animals (including the family dog). ‘Sociopathic’ animal killer to be released on probation – British … In addition, she has admitted to having the “urge to kill someone” and fantasized about killing a homeless person. Shocking, yes, but perhaps even more surprising is the fact that she was, by all accounts, an excellent student at Simon Fraser University where she was studying – get this – criminology and psychology! Why? I’m pretty damn sure it wasn’t because she was motivated by her strong sense of justice. It seems more likely she was looking to educate herself on how not to get caught!

Forget the flesh-eating zombies of AMC’s The Walking Dead. There are far scarier monsters living amongst us!

Another dark, rainy, dreary day today. I did finish the bible for that SF series we’ve been working on for…a while. Sent it Paul’s way, then had lunch with Robert Cooper and discussed one of his super-secret projects. I read the pilot he wrote and think it’s terrific. You’ll love it. Trust me. Interestingly enough, I also ended up fielding a couple of calls to gauge my interest on a few more projects, all three based on established properties: two t.v. shows and a graphic novel. Again, who knows what, if anything, will go – but it’s nice to be wanted.

Oh, and since you asked, in answer to my own question posed in yesterday’s entry, “ If you could go back in history, who would you want to spend time with?”, I’d say my father and my boy, Maximus (pictured in this blog’s banner). I’d make them some delicious port-braised short ribs and sweet potato mash.

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December 1, 2012

Photos: E.T., Yoda


Today, Akemi was surprised to learn that E.T. and Yoda are not related. ”But they look so much alike!”she insisted.

She was further shocked to learn that Yoda was much, much – about 800 years? – older than E.T. “But E.T. moves so slow,”she protested, “and Yoda is so quick!”

“True,”I admitted, “but Yoda was in much better shape. He was a Jedi Knight and E.T. was just some gangly alien. It’s like comparing a slim old guy who works out a lot and a young, overweight guy who’s out of shape.”

She wasn’t buying it. ”But Yoda is all – cha-ping! Cha-ping! Cha-ping!” Jumping around, miming a light saber duel. ”And E.T. is all – ” Hunched over, index finger pointing, voice shaking: “A-ke-mi…”

“A-ke-mi?”

Apparently, on a trip to Universal Studios Japan, she’d visited the E.T. ride – a bike and basket holding the loveable alien. After entering her name into a computer, she pedaled away and E.T. spoke to her. ”But I don’t recommend Universal Studios Japan,”she said. “Shrek is always – ” And here, she bounded over, doing a fair approximation of the rotund green monster bouncing on the heels of his feet. “Ho ho ho!”

“What’s wrong wrong with that?”

“Shrek is disgusting! I told everyone I didn’t like Shrek and then he came to my side and tried to hug me!” Then added: “And Elmo always running away.”

“Running away? Why?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he is tired of getting his picture taken.” Beat. “Did you hear he was arrested?”

“I heard. Do you think that was why he was running away? Because he knew the police were on to him?”

“I don’t know but I remember trying to catch Elmo and Shrek chasing me.”

“Why was Shrek chasing you?”

“Not very many customers so dying for attention. Also maybe he understood what I said in Japanese and was angry with me.”

“And what happened? Did he catch you?”

“Yes,”she said, reflecting back on the unpleasant experience. “And I had to take a picture with him.”

It reminds me of Carl Binder’s story of his visit to Disneyland shortly after he’d written Pocahontas for the studio. He was there with his young daughter and wanted to take a photo with Meeko, Pocahontas’s racoon friend in the movie – only to be informed by Meeko that he was on lunch break. ”I created you!”Carl informed the bewildered park worker. ”Get over here.” Meeko complied and Carl got his photo.

And then there was the time his birthday party/trip to Disneyland was canceled when “the hippies took over Tom Sawyer Island”. But you’ll have to ask him the details on that one.

? The Day The Hippies Took Tom Sawyer Island

Oh, and since we’re on the topic of Disney…

Top 10 Worst Disney Films – Starpulse.com

On The Country Bears: “Anyway, the plot is that Beary, a young bear, is raised by humans. Talking bears and humans are friends in this reality, and he meets a broken-up rock band called the Country Bears. He helps them reunite, and I really can’t continue because a part of my brain just died.”

The 7 Most Terrifying Disney Movie Deaths | Cracked.com

On Shan-Yu in Mulan: “So basically, it’s the ludicrously violent death from Naked Gun, only instead of being played for laughs, it’s the climax of a kids movie. Burning chunks of Mongolian fall from the sky, always kept barely off-camera or behind an explosion, as everyone below celebrates. Happy days, indeed.”

7 Classic Disney Movies That Taught Us Terrible Lessons | Cracked …

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: The Ugly Guy Never Gets the Girl.

6 True Stories About Disneyland They Don’t Want … – Cracked.com

On Disneyland’s former underwear policy: “Up until 2001, Disneyland workers weren’t allowed to bring their own underwear when they were in character, because normal underwear tended to bunch up and become visible under the costume. Kind of like how some models don’t wear panties on the runway, except less “exotic and sexy” and more “destructive of your innocence and everything the concept of childhood represents. Instead, cast members were issued company jock straps, cycling shorts or tights, which they had to hand in at the end of every day to be washed with their costumes.”

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December 2, 2012

Photos: Snow monkeys, Lulu, waffles, cookies


Following an improbable come from ahead loss in a week in which my Snow Monkeys put up the SECOND most points in the league, eventually losing the the TOP scoring team in the league, my Monkeys were upset this weekend. The loss, coupled with a win by Steve’s Tebow Sucks means my Monkeys are eliminated from post-season play. I am beyond frustrated, angry, and bitter. So much so that I can’t bear the thought of watching another football game. I’m done. On the bright side, Akemi is pleased to hear it since it means my Sundays will be free now.

But, before I sign off on this fantasy football league season, I’d like to take a moment to offer some thanks-for-nothings to the players whose under performances and generally crap play in these final few weeks cost my team a playoff berth.

THANKS-NOTHINGS go out to:

Aaron Rodgers (QB, Green Bay Packers) for NOT ONCE looking James Jones’ way during the Packers’ embarrassingly futile effort against the New York Giants last week.

James Jones (WR, Green Bay Packers) for pulling a disappearing act when I needed him most, putting up a staggering 0.00 effort against the New York Giants last week.

Drew Brees (QB, New Orleans Saints) for delivering the worst statistical performance of his career in a must-win game against the Atlanta Falcons. 5 interceptions. 0 touchdowns. Way to want it.

Andy Dalton (QB, Cincinnati Bengals) for ignoring the best player on your team, wide receiver AJ Green, in your match-up against the San Diego Chargers this week.

AJ Green (WR, Cincinnati Bengals) for turning in a mediocre performance the week after I trade for purportedly “the #1 wide receiver in the league”.

Dennis Pitta (TE, Baltimore Ravens) for a truly pitiful effort. 19 total yards? Seriously, dude. Why even bother suiting up?

I wish you all the worst in your respective attempts to win the Superbowl.

A few pics from what, it turns out, was my last Football Sunday get-together:

The mains were stuffed turkey thighs, a stuffed pork tenderloin, braised meatballs, and sweet potato mash.

Best of luck to Rob, Steve, Tio and everyone else who made it to the playoffs. Let me know how it all turns out.

I’m done.

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December 3, 2012

Photos: Superman Returns


Dis movie more boring den Fozzie Bear’s off-off-off Broadway production of “Old Coronation Street Episodes”. It so bad dat monster invite friends over and invent Superman Returns drinking game. Everytime someone begin to doze off while watching movie, he have to do shot. By end of movie, not sure if Big Bird and Grover pass out from Jagermeister or sheer boredom. Me tink both.

Movie begin wit Superman returning to Earth after being away for five years to visit what left of his home planet: Krypton. Why he go? What he find? Why it take him 5 years? Dis never explained. Coinsidentally, his alter ego, Clark Kent also return to work at de Daily Planet. He horrified to diskover Lois Lane did not put her life on hold for him. She not only have a son, but she be married to X-Men’s Cyclops!

Superman prove himself a super-creep by stalking Lois, spying on her and her family wit his x-ray vision, den trying to seduce her by flying her around de city and trying to kiss her on a rooftop. (Please, do a shot). She pissed at him becuz he left Earth witout telling her he was leaving. Why he never said goodbye to her? Dis never explained but reason be clear. Superman be utter douchebag.

Meanwhile, Lex Luthor have big plans to cause world chaos and grow an island in de ocean blah blah blah. (Please, do a shot). Power fluktuates. Earth shakes. Planes fall out of sky. Superman save de day. Movie plods along. Someone forget to tell aktor Brandon Routh dat Clark Kent de boring one, NOT Superman!

Lois and her son somehow end up on Lex’s private yacht where he plot to enact his island-growing plan (yawn. Please do another shot.). But clever Lois send stealthy fax alerting Cyclops. Thug start to beat her up but her son trow piano at him, demonstrating super strength and suggestion dat he be Superman’s son. Oh, and also suggest dat nice guy Cyklops be a cuckold. Or dat Lois go to bed wit Cyklops maybe a couple of weeks after sleeping wit Superman in Superman II.

Yacht sinks. Superman save Lois. He end up on new landmass dat it turn out be made of kryptonite. Superman weakened and, in incredibly overwrought scene, beat up and stabbed wit a kryptonite shiv. Superman plunge of cliff. BUT he saved by Cyklops and Lois.

Superman pick up landmass and chuck it into space, nature’s cosmic garbage can.

Lex and his annoying girlfriend eskape in a helictoper dat eventually run out of gas, so dey end up stranded on a deserted island – wit nothing to eat but a coconut and a small dog.

Superman rushed to hospital. He be in a coma! But Lois and son visit, give him a kiss and make him all better.

Verdikt: Curse of Superman alive. Dis film confirm: It impossible to make a good Superman movie!

Rating: 4 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

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December 4, 2012

Photo: NFL


My 35+ year relationship with the NFL is over. We’re done. Sure, we’ve had our ups and downs – though, realistically, much more of the latter than the former. I’ve suffered through lock-outs, replacement officials, Michael Vick, the tuck rule. Hell, the Raiders haven’t been competitive since Marcus Allen was running the ball. But still I persevered. I tried to make it work. Really I did. But this past weekend was the final straw, the tail end of a one week span in which everything that could have possibly gone wrong did: illogical coaching decisions, baffling quarterback play, a 1 in 55 aberration, and an injury at the worst possible time. A perfect ****storm of improbable bad luck coming together to deny my Snow Monkeys a playoff berth. My Snow Monkeys, ranked #2 in our 14 team fantasy league in terms of overall record! The third highest scoring team in the league! Denied!

I thought the time away would help, but it hasn’t. I could have accepted a playoff defeat, even a first round exit. But to put in all that time and effort and still miss the post-season the way I did? I am angry. Bitter. And a notorious grudge-holder. Just the thought of tuning into an NFL game infuriates me. The football gods screwed me over and still expect me to keep my NFL package? It’s the equivalent to the love of your life dumping you in the most heartbreaking way possible and then hoping you can still be friends.

Forget it, sweetheart. You’ve hurt me for the last time. There are plenty of fish in the sea. College football may not be as polished as you, but its more youthful and possessed of a raw charm you’ll never have. The same goes for college basketball. Hockey may not be as popular with the in crowd, but it’s a lot more exhilarating and, unlike you who is only around for six or seven months of the year, hockey seemingly never goes away. Sure, baseball may lack the excitement you offer, but there’s something to be said for a classic that can’t break your heart because it’ll never really have it. And then there’s the NBA… Well, I’m not that desperate.

Yes, it was a great ride and there will always be those happy memories. The Raiders Superbowl thrashing of the Washington Redskins. Those Patriot Superbowl losses. My Snow Monkeys capturing last year’s fantasy league championship. I’ll treasure them always. And maybe, just maybe, a friendship could be possible in the distant future. But only provided you accept responsibility for the hurt you caused by offering up one of the following:

An apology from Drew Brees for playing the worst game of his career when I depended upon him the most.

An apology from the Green Bay Packers organization for obstinately attempting to establish the run game down 3 touchdowns.

And apology from Aaron Rodgers for not once targeting James Jones in that impotent display vs. the Giants (preferred).

Until then, it’s time to go our separate ways. And, should we pass one another on the street some day, me on my way to pick up an iTunes gift certificate for my sister, you in the throes of some resplendent televised playoff match-up, let’s – if not politely acknowledge one another – then reflect back fondly on the happier times. That you ruined.

Today’s blog entry is dedicated to the Landsharks, Dead Reckoning, the Mighty Molsons, the Hurtin’ Albertans, the Mighty Merkins, Tebow Sucks, the Vinegar Strokes, and Crossplane. Best of luck in the playoffs, boys!

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December 5, 2012

Video: Bubba

Photos: Akemi, rosti, peanut butter dog cookies


The other day, I received THIS in the mail -

No, not the pug. Or the Japanese girlfriend. Or the Japanese girlfriend’s Dalmatian slippers [note: no actual dalmatians were hurt in the manufacturing of said slippers]. I refer, of course, to the cookbook – a cookbook chock full o’ classic German recipes like gulasch, jagerschnitzel, apfelstrudel. It comes compliments of our friends, Alexander and Sarah, who, clearly, feel I’m not cooking enough Bavarian fare.

And so, today, I tried by hand at rosti. Well, let’s just say everything didn’t go according to my plan:

A few minor tweaks: less potato, more onions, more oil in the pan, longer boiling time for the potatoes, longer frying time for the rosti.

Meanwhile, Akemi attempted a new recipe of her own – with far better results:

Peanut butter dog cookies. Jelly was positively crazy about them – and I DO mean crazy: barking, pacing, hopping up and down on her front paws, gazing longingly up at the plate. Bubba and Lulu liked them just fine as well.

I’ll spare you all the non-football related rant I was considering for today’s entry. Instead, here’s video of Bubba hanging around the house:

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December 6, 2012


APPLE

So I walk into the Apple Store this afternoon and, of course, the place is packed. There are about two dozen “geniuses” having their brilliance tested by roughly four times as many customers. I want to get in and out as quickly as possible so I approach one of the red-shirts (I suspect it’s a seasonal thing) and tell him I’d like to purchase some iTunes gift certificates. ”Should I just grab them off the wall?”I ask, pointing to the display across the room. ”No, just line up over there,”he says, motioning over to the daunting customer service queue behind me. ”It won’t be long.”

This, it turns out, is the first of two lies he tells me on this day.

And so, I line up. And wait. And wait. The people ahead of me seem to be in a hurry – up until it’s their turn at the till, at which point they’re like some kid who has finally reached the spinning tea cup ride. They giggle and laugh and joke with the staff, considering this, pondering over that. It is clearly THEIR moment and, after waiting twenty minutes for service, they’ll be damned if they don’t make the most of this opportunity. Eventually, the guy in front of me finishes regaling us all with the meandering tale of his net-savvy nephew. Dictionary.com provides the following two definitions for the word “anecdote”: 1. a short account of a particular incident or event, especially of an interesting or amusing nature. 2. a short, obscure historical or biographical account. In this case, it was the latter.

And, finally, it was my turn. I stepped up and requested an iTunes gift card. The genius pointed to the display across the room (something, I needn’t remind you, I’d done some twenty minutes earlier) and informed me that I would have to go over there and select one before returning to pay for my purchase. ”That’s what I initially assumed,”I said, “but that genius over there told me to come here instead.”

“No,”she said, presumably correcting me when, in reality, it was her fellow genius she was correcting. ”This is just for in-store gift cards. iTune gift cards are over there.”

Sure, I could have argued the point but, instead, I sighed and threw my hands up in mock surrender. She was still yammering on when I walked out of the store.

There will be no iTune gift cards under the tree this year.

THE AMAZING RACE

I remember back when my buddy Carl used to refer to this show as “the fastest hour on television”. This season, however, it’s been a ponderous affair, chock full o the most unlikable and annoying participants to ever race. The teams in this weekend’s two hour finale come down to: 1. the thieves, 2. the other thieves, 3. the backstabbing pretty boys, and 4. the idiot goat farmers. Who are you rooting for? The two sisters or the country bumpkin and his girlfriend who stole money from two other contestants, one of who was grieving for his sick father? The lunkheads who targeted their supposed “friends” with a U-Turn, effectively eliminating a team that was running well behind them? Or the simple goat farmers, one of who complains at length about his twisted ankle – and then volunteers for the ensuing tennis challenge where he spends a significant portion of the time sitting on his ass, complaining about – guess what? – his twisted ankle!

Sitting through yet another season of this show is like seeing a magician’s act one too many time. After a while, you can’t help but see through the facade. It’s gotten to the point where I can correctly predict when those supposedly random “non-elimination legs” will magically appear (hint: contestants the production clearly find more interesting seem to luck out with a disproportionate amount of reprieves).

Perhaps most annoying of all is The U-Turn which allows one of the lead teams to force a trailing team to go back and complete a second task, all but eliminating them from contention. In a competition that appears to put everyone on equal footing (and appearances can be deceiving), it’s an annoying and palpably unfair disadvantage.

This entire season has simply left a bad taste in my mouth.

“Maybe next year, we don’t watch,”suggested Akemi.

Reruns of Modern Family, here we come!

THE NFL

Stop me if you’ve heard this before...

Oh, you have! Never mind then.

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December 7, 2012

Photo: Akemi


Hurrah! After a thirteen month wait (and oodles of paperwork and supporting documentation) we received word today that Akemi’s application for permanent residence status here in Canada has finally been approved! There are still some signatures to be gathered and calls to be made but, for all intents and purposes, she is here to stay. I no longer have to worry that she will get confiscated the next time we travel to Japan.

In celebration, I asked her to list ten things she loves about Canada off the top of her head. She offered the following:

1. Easy-going country.

2. A lot of t.v. shows

3. Weather is milder (not super hot or super cold).

4. Bigger house means she can host a proper home party.

5. Doesn’t need to wear make-up every day like in Japan.

6. Can wear jeans everywhere.

7. Lots of different cuisines because of wide immigration.

8. Can practice English with her Canadian boyfriend.

9. Cheaper than Japan.

10. Restaurants here offer doggy bags, something restaurants in Japan do not.

Anyway, we celebrated the good news in traditional Canadian fashion: by going out for sushi and then coming home to watch the Gordon Ramsay Christmas special.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to leave a comment in support of Akemi here: July 26, 2012: Support Akemi! Leave a comment! We owe you one!

Today’s entry is dedicated to birthday gal Alisa Russell!

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December 8, 2012

Photos: Star Trek: TOS, Comic Con, Amanda Tapping, Michael Shanks, Carl Binder, Louis Ferreira, Trevor Finn, Maximus


Well, whaddya know. At some point over the last couple of days, sometime when my back was turned, this blog welcomed its 9 millionth view. Thanks for coming! 9 million is actually quite conservative since it doesn’t count the first year (or so) of this blog which started on blogger – until their spambots erroneously shut me down (December 11, 2007) – and then kept me hanging on for days until I finally got fed up and made the move here, to wordpress.com, on December 15, 2007. Just prior to my departure, this blog celebrated its 750 000th visit (December 4, 2007) so, really, we’re closer to 10 million.

10 million! I can’t help but think that if I h’d had the foresight to charge $100 admission at the time, today I would have been able to personally bankroll SG-1?s 11th season, Atlantis’s 6th, and Universe’s 3rd – AND had enough money left over for pie and ice cream.

Anyway, it’s been a great ride. Thanks to everyone who has joined along the way, but an especially big thank you to those who have been with this blog from the very beginning Michelle, you hold the distinction of being the oldest poster still commenting today. And, by “old”, I only refer to blog age.

AND an especially big thanks to the folks at WordPress who made the move here quite easy and continue to provide us with a terrific home and support system for this blog.

To celebrate, I’ve grabbed some totally random pics from my 6+ years of blogging and repost them here for your enjoyment/bewilderment:

Read about my big break here: April 27, 2007

My very first Comic Con: July 28, 2007

On the set of Stargate: Continuum: June 13, 2007

One of my infamous chocolate parties: April 26, 2009: The Best Chocolate Party Ever! and April 27, 2009: Still Recovering, More Party Pics, and Marty G. Checks In

On location shooting SGU’s “The Hunt”: September 24, 2010: The Hunt – Day #4 (Location, Day #3)

June 24, 2011: Ensure your legacy in the Name My Co-Worker’s Baby Contest! Sadly, neither if my choices – Rubella nor Spearmint – won out.

Dark Matter hits the shelves, our “lesson of the day”, and my handsome boy, Max. January 11, 2012: Dark Matter #1 hits the shelves!

Now, how to commemorate 10 000 000?

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December 9, 2012

Photos: Jelly, Bubba, Lulu, pancake, christmas tree


Well, they would be – IF there was snow on the ground. And IF they were outside braving the elements like those courageous pooches in that Cuba Gooding Jr. movie instead of just parking themselves under the Christmas tree in expectation of a treat. All the same, they’re clearly in the holiday spirit – Jelly, lounging amid the tinsel, Bubba suspiciously sniffing presents, Lulu furtively snacking on low-hanging ornaments.

No football for me today. And I didn’t really miss it. Akemi had a hankering for pancakes, so we headed over to De Dutch where she got her fix -

Then it was over to Home Depot where I was disappointed to learn they’d sold out of indoor Christmas lights. As a result, this was the best we Akemi could do:

She did a great job, decorating the tree with an even mix of the tasteful and tasteless.

While Akemi wrapped gifts, I did a little work, finishing up the series bible and script outline for that SF series we hope will get the oh-so-elusive green light. If not, then l may consider an alternate career path that will allow me to maximize my skills set (which includes speed reading, watching t.v. on DVD, and, as of today, making a mean chicken, eggplant and sweet potato yellow curry).

Well, because my bitterness knows no bounds, I’m no longer paying attention to the NFL. But I did check in with our fantasy football league playoffs so that I could congratulate the following first-round winners: The Landsharks, Tebow Sucks, The Mighty Molsons and, in all probability, The Vinegar Strokes. My, aren’t we successful?

These closing doggy photos compliments of Akemi (http://peasnatch.wordpress.com/):