Joseph Mallozzi's Blog! (SPOILERS For All SG Shows and Dark Matter)

[Jumper_One]

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May 8, 2012

Photo: Donuts


“Hi,”said the woman on the other end of the line, sunny as could be. “This is Dr. Ward’s office calling. We received a referral from your family doctor. He’d like Dr. Wade to check your eyes.”

“Yep,”I said. It had been over two weeks since my doctor had suggested as much. I’d simply assumed someone had dropped the ball.

“Well, let’s see. The earliest Dr. Ward could see you would be…2014.”

2014. Not 2013. NOT next year. The year AFTER next year.

“OR…”she followed up before I could say anything. Clearly, she had the routine down pat. ”…you could come in this month and have one of his associates examine you.”

The tenor of her voice, possessed of an undercurrent of hope with a dash of empathetic excitement, made me feel as though I’d just managed to secure a lucky-once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. No doubt mistaking my confused silence for reticence, she quickly followed up: “They’re very good.”

I’m sure. I told her yes and made the appointment for later this month. Presumably, Dr. Wade’s associates will prove equally up to the task of getting to the bottom of my tortuous eyeballs (April 6, 2012: Tortuosity and Dark Matter!).

As it so happened, today was also the day I went in for my blood test, just a (hopefully) routine part of my annual physical. I’d been meaning to get around to it for a while (a.k.a. putting it off) because I wanted to be sure my bloodstream was free of trace elements. No, not drugs. Sugar. A week before my tests, I usually like to switch up my diet, drop the desserts in favor a daily serving of oatmeal. But my girlfriend, Akemi, has been adamant I not try to fool the test this time. “It’s like you pretend nice guy,”she said. And then, realizing: “Well, not pretend nice guy. You have to accept the reality. You eat sweets every day.” She had a point. Screw it. So, yesterday, I skipped the oatmeal in favor of these:

A half-dozen dougnuts from Cartems Donuterie. Sorry, vegans. Your sans gluten offering touted as “cruelty-free” was, ironically, the cruelest version you could possibly serve a doughnut-lover. Baked, topped with toasted quinoa, it tasted like slightly sweet bread. The Triple Threat Chocolate was good, but trumped by the Mexican Mole. The winners, however, were the Classic and Citrus Dust, both of which proved mouth-meltingly delicious.

Anyway, I received a clean bill of health after last year’s physical, with no alarm bells going off or warnings dispensed, so I’m confident I should pass this one without issue. But, you never know. Until then…

I’m a hypochondric pragmatist. I imagine I’ve been stricken with a variety of medical conditions, then persuade myself I’m okay by ignoring the symptoms I convinced myself I had to begin with. It’s exhausting. Some nights, my internal dialogue goes something like this: “What was that? Was that a pain in my chest? I think it was. Chest pain. Am I having a heart attack? I could be having a heart attack! No, wait. That medical study I read about in the Malcolm Gladwell book concluded that trouble breathing, rather than chest pain, was a likelier indicator of a heart attack. And I’m not having trouble breathing. Or am I? Yes, I think I am having trouble breathing. Am I having a heart attack? I think I am. I should go to the hospital! But that would mean getting out of bed, getting dressed, driving down, sitting in the waiting room… Soooo tired. Hmmmm. Maybe this isn’t a heart attack after all. Maybe I’m not having trouble breathing. I think I’ll just stay in bed and sleep it off.”

And sleeping it off has always worked to this point, so what am I worried about?


Mailbag:

hitmanjr writes: “The producers were beating on him and if anyone remembers who Peter Gruber and Jon Peters was it’s any wonder this movie even got finished. Those two went on to take the Japanese to the cleaners at Sony Pictures after this movie, there is a book about it.”

Answer: Check out this terrific video of Kevin Smith recounting his Superman Reborn experience with Jon Peters. Some great insight into how things work in Hollywood: Kevin Smith explains what happened to his Superman movie …

dasndager writes: “Burton was the director, not the writer. The writers were: Bob Kane (Batman characters, as consultant), Daniel Waters and Sam Hamm (story), Daniel Waters (screenplay). So, if there is blame, put it where blame is due. (And before you start saying, ‘but direkor responseble for…’, I’ll point out a mess called Inquisition ).”

Answer: I, of course, don’t have a dog in this fight. The opinions expressed in the disputed entry are those of our guest reviewer, Cookie Monster, and do not necessarily reflect my views or the official policy of this blog. Having said that, I’m going to have to side with monster on this one. In television, the writer/show runner is usually the one in charge while the director is a hired gun. So, yes, in the case of something like, say, an episode of Stargate, you should feel free to blame the writer (partly) and the show runner (mostly). In film, the opposite is true. The director holds the power while the writer is lucky to even be permitted on set once they’ve turned in their final draft.

dasndager also writes: “I really enjoy Burton’s movies. They are visually stunning, but more than anything, they have heart.”

Answer: Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – yes. Mars Attacks!, Planet of the Apes, the Batman movies – not so much.

Josh writes: “Hey Joe, do you know if there are any plans to release SG-1 on Blu-Ray?”

Answer: Sorry, Josh. I’m out of the loop on MGM’s plans for Stargate, Blu-Ray release and otherwise.

jys writes: “mise en place and service.”

Answer: Where are you working now?

[Jumper_One]

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May 9, 2012

Photos: Lulu, Jelly, Bubba


Back in the days when I had an office job, I worked with a woman (Michelle? Chantal? Quenel?) who was training to be a pet psychic. Not surprisingly, it wasn’t something she was eager to share with her co-workers and only happened to come out over the course of some tangental discussion. Something like:

“Hey, somebody stapled my report to the cafeteria wall!”

“The boss’s kids are kind of psycho.”

“I happen to be kind of psychic too.”

“I said psycho, not psychic.”

“Oh.”

“You’re kind of psychic?”

It turns out she was taking courses toward official(?) pet psychic accreditation during her free time – I suppose sometime between her full-time job and building that giant tinfoil pyramid on the roof of her apartment building.

“A lot people don’t believe it which is weird,”she said. ”If you can believe in a psychic connection between humans and a psychic connection between animals, why is it so hard to believe in a psychic connection between humans and animals?”

I felt as though she’d missed step but, rather than call her on it, I encouraged her to continue by offering a non-committal: “Un huh.”

She smiled broadly, apparently pleased with the fact I hadn’t been judgy, laughed, or immediately reported her to HR as a potential victim of some stress-related anxiety disorder. ”My teacher is one of Canada’s top pet psychics. I only have two more classes to go.” And then, on a more personal note: “I’ve been practicing with my cat, Minou.”

Some twenty years later, I don’t remember her name or her position at the company or even what she looked like (although I remember a lot of beige and a face that never quite synced with that salon curly hair). There were far more memorable former co-workers, but whenever I wonder what became of them all after the company went belly up, she’s the first one that comes to mind first because, unlike the others, she had a marketable skill to fall back on. I imagine that had she had the foresight to hedge her bets by also pursuing a reiki diploma, she’d be set for life.

Oh, you may laugh, but from what I understand pet psychics do a brisk business. I’ve personally yet to make use of their services only because I’m already attuned to my dogs’ innermost thoughts. For instance:

Jelly...

...is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.

Bubba...

...is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me.

And Lulu...

...is saying pay attention to me/play with me…okay feed me. Also, quit staring at me. You’re creeping me out.

I have an astounding 96% accuracy rate.

This is not to minimize the fine work of professional pet psychics who use their talents to diagnose personality disorders, locate misplaced chew toys, and help local law-enforcement solve crimes (“Minxy is reaching out from beyond the grave to tell me you the Doberman was set up. It was the Alaskan Malamute!”).

Still, the few stories I have heard haven’t engendered much confidence in the profession. My favorite was related to me by another co-worker on a past production. Let’s call him Carl. Carl has two friends whose dog, George, had begun to demonstrate behavioral changes. For some reason, rather than assuming the dog had been possessed and calling on the services of a pet exorcist, they jumped to the conclusion it was a psychological issue and contacted a pet psychic instead. The pet psychic, while highly recommended, lived in another state, but assured them she could perform her scam trick service over the phone. And so, at the appointed time, they rang her up and presumably held the phone up to George’s face so that she could pick up the doggy vibes. The feedback was immediate. Something like: “George is feeling down because he feels you’re not paying enough attention to him. George suffers separation anxiety when you leave the house and he misses you while you’re gone. He could really use some more TLC…” In recounting the experience to Carl, George’s owners were amazed at the pet psychic’s ability to pinpoint what was ailing their dog. For his part, Carl was less than impressed. ”George a girl.”

I guess psychic energy is genderless.

Yep. There’s always a good (and if not good, then certainly entertaining) answer to our pointed questions. It’s like they see ‘em coming.

For instance, back when she’d claimed to have honed her burgeoning psychic abilities on her own lovable Minou, I couldn’t resist asking Michelle/Chantal/Quenel what she’d learned from him. Had she been able to solve any of the mysteries that have plagued feline owners for centuries. Why, for instance, don’t they like water? To this, she nodded knowingly and informed me that she had asked the question, and received the same response her instructor had told her had been echoed by many a furball before him: “It’s a cat thing.”

[Jumper_One]

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May 10, 2012

Photos: Tv shows


For a guy who makes his living writing for film and television, I don’t watch a lot of either – certainly nowhere near as much as you guys. To be perfectly honest, I’d rather just read a good book. Having said that, there are about a dozen or so shows I do follow. Some I enjoy, others I’ve lost interest in and will probably drop after this season.

On the small screen at my place...

THE AMAZING RACE

My buddy Carl used to call this show “the fastest hour on television”. Lately, however, the show seems to have lost a lot of the fun that made it so watchable. The challenges are becoming a little less original, the contestants a little more predictable, and some of the rules and roadblocks damn annoying if not altogether unfair. I mean, what’s the point of having these individuals race to catch a ferry if it will only take them to a destination in which they’ll have to wait hours to perform the next task, thereby rewarding stragglers and general incompetence. And then there’s the convenience of “certain aspects of the production” favoring certain teams. I refer, of course, to the hated “non elimination round” that, curiously, always seems to favor the most colorful and amiable duo in the race. Season ago, it was the hippies (who went on to win). This season, it was those lovable country bumpkins Bopper and (Bopper II?). After coming in last on one leg of the race, I turned to Akemi and said: “This is a non-elimination leg.” And, sure enough, it was. Now, I’m not saying the fix is in but, when two weeks later, they came in last again and I predicted “Another non-elimination leg.”, I wasn’t all that surprised to be proven right. Not even a late visit to Japan where contestants took part in a “Japanese game show” (clearly a version of a “Japanese game show” fabricated for that leg of the race) or a late screw-up by the winning duo could save this lacklustre season. Verdict: WE’RE DONE.

SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD

Equally predictable was this season of Survivor where everything has pretty much gone as expected. It hasn’t helped that this season’s contestants are either gutless or idiots, allowing the two or three players with an iota of intelligence to run the table on them. It’s reached the point where I can tell who is going to be eliminated by simply seeing how the promo is cut. For what it’s worth, I’m rooting for Sabrina and, to a lesser extent, Chelsea, but suspect they’ll both be undone by their naiveté. About the only thing that could redeem this season in my eyes would be a shocking final vote that would see perennially clueless Christina win because nobody saw her as a threat. When all is said and done, it’s all in the hands of the jury. The bitter, petty, resentful, revenge-minded jury. The best player doesn’t always win the game. Ask Russell Hantz. Although this season has underwhelmed, it was preceded by some great ones so I’m willing to give the show another go. VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

HOUSE

Speaking of predictable, the House formula usually goes something like this: House handed case which he refuses to accept at first but ends up taking because he is intrigued by some curious element. His team pursues various diagnostic theories, all of which prove erroneous. All hope seems lost when – some unconnected word, phrase or thing twigs something in House who comes up with the correct diagnosis and saves the day. While the medical drama plays out, House and his team deal with personal issues – and this is what makes the show so great. Yes, the medical narrative pretty much plays out paint by numbers but, in reality, it’s only serves to create a dramatic context for our characters, and it’s these characters that make the show so very watchable. I love the House character, his relationship with Wilson, and like the team a lot (especially Taub who has really grown on me over this past season). With only two episodes to go, I suspect the series will go out in fine style. VERDICT: WE’RE DONE – BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT’S DONE.

30 ROCK

Some gags hit the mark, some fall flat, but the rapidfire barrage ensures a hilarious half hour. BTW – television producers, take note: Live episodes work wonderfully for comedies since their actors are accustomed to improv. Dramas – not so much. VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

THE OFFICE

A lot better than most comedies on television, none of which I watch. And I miss Michael Scott. VERDICT: WE’RE DONE AFTER THIS SEASON.

SOUTH PARK

Sixteen seasons and still going strong. Sure, there have been a few hiccups along the way (the movie, any episode involving Terrence and Philip), but I’m amazed by how its consistency. Smart, shocking, and hilarious. VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING (AKEMI IS A BIG CARTMAN FAN).

BREAKING BAD

Although I didn’t love last season finale quite as much as everyone else, this show nonetheless ranks among my all-time favorites (up there with The Sopranos and Rome). I’m very much looking forward to the fifth and final season. I have a feeling it’s not going to be a happy ending for Mr. White. VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

GAME OF THRONES

The book is always better and this holds true for Game of Thrones – nevertheless, the series if very, very good. Like the book series, however, with its myriad storylines and endless characters, there are some arcs that I find absolutely gripping (the politics and power plays at King’s Landing, Arya’s journey, Jon Snow’s adventures with the Black Watch) while others (Daenerys and her dragons, happenings in Westeros, the North, and the Iron Islands) leave me cold. Still, there’s so much going on in each episode that it never disappoints. VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

THE WALKING DEAD

As much as I love the original comic book series, I think I’m zombied out. Great monster effects and some intriguing scenarios, but for the life of me I don’t understand how a shambling zombie can sweet up on someone. VERDICT: I’M DONE.

SPARTACUS: VENGEANCE

I tuned into the first season expecting a 300 clone and was pleasantly surprised by the depth of the characters and the storytelling. The performances were also a strong point, especially that of series lead Andy Whitfield who, sadly, passed away just as he was gaining some well-deserved international praise. I checked out the miniseries, Gods of the Arena, with a certain amount of trepidation brought on by the usual negative feelings I harbor for prequels. Like the first season, however, I was quickly won over. How has the show’s second season fared in comparison? To be honest, I don’t know. My DVR screwed up and I have all but episode 2 recorded. And until it airs again – or I am able to track it down online – I’ll have to reserve judgement. On the bright side, I can, apparently, buy the soundtrack from iTunes.

IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

At first, I was on the fence because I felt some of the early storylines were too reminiscent of South Park episode I had seen (although, in all fairness, South Park ended updoing an episode called “Simpsons Already Did It” in which Professor Chaos [aka Butters] laments the fact that every nefarious idea he comes up with has already been done on The Simpsons). But, like most shows, once you settle in and get to know and like the characters, you’re along for the ride. The show’s two major funny men remind of my former Stargate co-workers Damian Kindler and Lawren Bancroft-Wilson, so every time I watch the show I feel like I’m getting together with old friends. VERDICT: STILL WATCHING.

TOP CHEF

I watch a fair amount of Food Network. Not religiously. It just happens to be on all the time as background so the dogs don’t miss us too much when we go out. But if there’s one show we never miss, it’s Top Chef, the best of the competitive cooking shows. VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

CHUCK’S DAY OFF

Our favorite cooking show is hosted by Chuck Hughes, a native of my hometown, Montreal. Port braised lamb shanks, peanut butter and jelly foie gras, bone marrow mash, and home made doughnuts – he cooks the type of food I love. And I can confirm this because I visited his restaurant the last time I was in Montreal. He’s charming, informative and Akemi finds him all sorts of cute. VERDICT: WE’RE STILL WATCHING.

And you?

[Jumper_One]

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May 11, 2012

Video: Danger 5 trailer


The plan was to get the first act of the mini-series written today and that’s what I’m going to do – even if it means I’m staying up all night to do it. I’ve been working all day and have roughly fifteen pages under my belt. Roughly two more to go and then I’m done. Until tomorrow when I’ll have to do another 15, and the day after that. Yep, at this right, I can breeze through a first draft in a mere twelve days straight.

Of course, along the way, I’ll probably become very familiar with the entire contents of my liquor cabinet.

Since you took the time to drop by, how about a mailbag?


Mailbag:

Samantha Padilla writes: “Since you’ve watched “Game of Thrones”, what did you think of Jason Momoa in it?”

Answer: I thought he was terrific as Khal Drogo. Of course, I’m not surprised. He was terrific as Ronon Dex.

gforce writes: “Another issue, and one that Survivor shares in spades is the obvious product placements.”

Answer: Yeah, it is getting a bit much. My favorite bit of product placement came in the final episode of one season of The Amazing Race. After the winning team is informed they’ve won, Phil says something along the lines of: “Wouldn’t it be great to have your family celebrating with you?”. The winning team is ecstatic, no doubt believing the show has flown their family down to be with them – only to have Phil whip out and hand them a Sprint phone. Give ‘em a call.

gforce also writes: “However, the tribal councils have been pretty great and where the real drama starts to appear.”

Answer: True, nothing beats a good blindside – especially when the person blindsided believes someone else is about to get blindsided. Then cries.

JimFromJersey writes: “Diners, Drive Ins and Dives – Guy is just cool. The wife and I voted for him on his run through The Next Food Network Star.”

Answer: Love him or hate him, he’s a natural in front of the camera and every TNFNS contestant (including winners) since has paled (often painfully) in comparison.

David Kirby writes: “I was able to (finally) take a break from real life and pick up issues 3 & 4 of Dark Matter. I was a very enjoyable run and I hope it gets a series pick up somewhere.”

Answer: Thanks, David. We’re still in talks and, once we’ve finished up work on the mini-series, I expect Paul and I will be heading to L.A. to start pitching it wide.

Line Noise writes: “Danger 5 – A guilty pleasure. Check out the trailer:

Answer: I already love this show! I’ve got to track it down as soon as I have the time.

brent writes: “Sons of Anarchy. If you haven’t been watching, you’ve been missing out.”

Answer: Watched the first season last month.

Randomness writes: “How can any of the Japanese audience members be so hyped for such a weird game? I mean, sure watching Americans falling over, over and over again may be amusing to them but come on?”

Answer: They’re hyped for such a weird game because the audience is as fake as the supposed Japanese game show.

Maggiemayday writes: “How do you feel about baked vs, fried donuts? Are they not donuts at all?”

Answer: I’d still consider them donuts, just not very good donuts.

[Jumper_One]

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May 12, 2012

Video: The Meteor Man trailer


The miniseries I’m presently writing has required a fair amount of research. Over the past few weeks, my online investigations have covered cyber-terrorism, computer worms and viruses, online anonymity, the NSA (National Security Agency), the FBI, Missile Defense Systems, nuclear power schematics, and the White House administration. In short, every google search sure to set off alarm bells at intelligence networks monitoring suspicious online activities. For the record (and ECHELON), I’d just like to say that I’m interested in the aforementioned topics only insofar as they are able to provide me with cool and informative story fodder that, hopefully, will engage viewers and critics alike and not make me prey to physically invasive searches the next time I fly out on vacation.

Two days in and two acts (and 31 pages) completed. It’s all going according to plan. In retrospect, I was foolish (aka insane) to think I would be able to write straight through, sixteen days, completing an act a day. I’m glad my writing partner, Paul, suggested we switch off, just like we used to in the old Stargate days. When he first floated the idea, in my foolish bravado, I assured him I had no trouble blazing through a first draft and having him follow (think of the time we would save!) but he insisted, pointing out it was only fair. This way, I’ll get as far as I can and give him what I’ve completed on Monday, take a few days off while he works on the script, and then pick up where he leaves off later in the week. It’s a tight schedule but, if we can average those 10 pages a day (and, to date, I’m well above the average) we’ll deliver the first draft with enough time to squeeze in one of those after-school specials and an educational interstitial on the dangers of mixing prescription drugs with playing hide and seek anywhere near an abandoned refrigerator.

Given how busy I’m going to be, I’m pleased I can rely on a guest blogger to pick up some of the slack here. I, of course, refer to Cookie Monster who will be dropping by on Monday when our Supermovie of the Week Club reconvenes to discuss Meteor Man. Boy, oh boy. This looks soooo not good:

[Jumper_One]

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May 13, 2012


I celebrated by being doubly prolific and completing not one but two acts, 25 pages, and hitting the 57 page mark. I was conservatively gunning for 30 by tomorrow so I’m more than pleased – and, thus, won’t feel at all guilty about going out to dinner and then taking the night off to watch the Survivor finale with Akemi and Ivon. So, who do you have your money on? I’m rooting for Sabrina and Chelsea (in that order), with an interest in seeing much-derided Christina upset the apple cart and pull off an improbable win. If, however, Kim walks away with the title – which seems more than likely – then Survivor: One World will officially become the dullest/most predictable season in Survivor history.

Oh, in addition to writing, I did a fair amount of research today as well. I looked into foiling alarm systems and air traffic control terminology. I think that, for my next gig, I’d prefer to write for something whose research would be a little less likely to put me on a watch list. Something involving gnomes or ice sculptures or Japanese maples. Of course that will be up to one of my future partners in creative crime, Tara Yelland (http://tarayelland.wordpress.com/). Oops, I’ve said too much. More on that in the coming weeks.

I’m pleased to report mom loved her Mother’s Day Gift, a box of books of the “Maeve Binchy” variety. I hope. She’s a big Maeve Binchy and Rosamunde Pilcher but has already worked her way through their sizable output. Mom likes inoffensive stories that “finish nice”, like an episode of Murder She Wrote (which she is usually watching whenever I call), so if you’ve got any suggestions, she’d love to hear ‘em.

So, what about the rest of you mothers/people with mothers? What did you get/give? Even better: What was the most memorable Mother’s Day gift you’ve ever given/received? In my case, I’m not sure since I can’t be sure what I got her when. But, if pressed, I’d have to go with the beautiful new HD t.v. Five years later, she still hasn’t figured out the remote.

[Jumper_One]

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May 14, 2012

Photos: Lulu, Jelly, Bubba


A technician came by the house today to swap out my old working-just-fine satellite receivers and DVR’s for new as-yet-untested-but-so-far-really-inconvenient versions of both. He arrived early, about an hour into the five hour ETA window, stepped inside, took one look at the dogs and asked if I could put them in the other room. No problem. They are, admittedly, a fearsome looking bunch:

After the swap, the downstairs HD DVR will – I’m told – record high def programming like usual – provided I ever figure out how to set it up. My home theater equipment is stacked on an unwieldy rack that teeters uncertainly whenever someone pulls it forward to access the cables in the back. The technician found the whole rack thing too daunting and I assured him I could just call in another technician (aka Lawren Bancroft-Wilson) to drop by and get the job done on his way home from his real job. Palpably relieved, the guy assured me that it would be a very simple switch. All I have to do is take out the old DVR, plug the new one in and voila (“voila” apparently being the common tech term for “recalibrate the satellite signal by running something called a check switch, allowing it to run a 38 step update, then inputting a couple of numbers and locking them”).

It was only after he left that I figured out how to slide the heavy rack forward to gain access to the cables in the back. It was a fairly simple procedure that involved me placing two side bars beneath the rollers, then placing two of my dumbells beneath each to support them. I slid the rack forward, switched out the DVR’s and voila (“voila” in this case meaning “the sudden realization I had one leftover cable that didn’t seem to fit anywhere”).

I was mentally celebrating my (almost) success when the rollers collapsed beneath the weight of the heavy rack that suddenly pitched forward. I reached out instinctively, stopping it with my left hand, pivoting on my butt from where I was seated, on the edge of the little alcove that held the t.v., and distributed all of my weight to my right foot, resting on the suddenly wobbly step ladder I’d used to climb up for better vantage. As the ladder began to give way, I realized I had one of two choices: 1. Shift all of my weight to my left shoulder and give the rack a mighty shove in the hopes that it would buy me the time and restored balance that would allow me to swing my right hand around and right the rack, or 2. Kick away the step ladder and jump to safety while my home theater set-up came crashing down behind me. I opted for the former, delivering a mighty shove, then pivoting and swinging my right hand in, shoving the rack back only a few inches, but just enough to save its precious cargo. I hopped off the alcove, then readjusted the rack and breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, all that was left to do was turn on the home theater and voila (“voila” being “the frustration felt upon realizing one is unable to get a satellite signal”). In retrospect, that leftover cable may have been the key.

I’m sure Lawren will figure out when he swings by.

P.S. To those of you who checked out this blog expecting to read Cookie Monster’s review of Meteor Man as part of our Supermovie of the Week Club – apologies. I received the following email tonight:

“Joe, monster sorry. Me watch Meteor Man on Sunday and get ready to write review, but go out drinking last nite wit Grover and, on way home, piss off angry marauding baboon family. Monster spend nite in abandoned hot dog food kart. Now, me smell like hot dog water, pickles, and spiteful hobo pee (aka hot dog water). Not complaning. At least not need fur graft for left butt cheek like Grover. Anyway, me get back to apartment dis morning but diskover Snuffleupagus (who rooming wit monster while his place fumigated) got very sick last nite from eating placenta sliders at new Vegan restaurant on corner of Sesame Street and Blood Alley. Monster spend all day cleaning.

Apartment still smell like voila.

[Jumper_One]

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May 15, 2012

Video: Blankman trailer

Photos: Meteor Man


Meteor Man written and directed by Robert Townsend. To be honest, me prefer his Chinatown. Still, monster surprized me not hate dis movie. Sure, it all sortz of stoopid and itz hero as interesting as a deli sandwitch named after David Caruso, but it not all bad. Only mostly bad.

After opening theme muzik dat sound suspishushly like opening to Superman, we introduced to our hero. Jeff, is quiet skool teacher living in bad nayborhood run by street gang dat look like MC Hammer back-up dancers. Dey led by guy who carry slinky around. Letz call him...

Slinky.

Jeff chased by street gang. He gets away, but den chased by meteor. It aktually fall out of sky and chase him down an alley before crashing into him. Now dat one determined, spiteful meteor!

Jeff end up at hospital but mirakulously healed. And he have other superpowerz too: flying, superstrong, x-ray, able to know everyting about a book for turdy sekonds after he touch it! Oh, he also able to understand his dog who sound like robot and give worst performance by talking dog since Maraduke Has de Runs. Anyway, he fight gang and win! He tell his mom to keep his superpowerz a sekret, but she so proud, she tell EVERYONE! Now whole nayborhood know!

Bad guyz come back. Try to shoot him. He bullet-proof. Dey try to run him down. He fly up onto lamp post and fall down, cause earthquake and giant fissure – dat gets mysteriously fixed and never seen again.

Community decide he have to patrol nayborhood. Mom make him Meteor Man costume. Reaktion of his friends and family to his new superpowerz aktually best part of movie. Everyting else is worst part of movie.

Meteor Man start his patrol. Stop crime. At one point, step into middle of shooout between police and street gang and place peacemaker. Yep, dey need to put differences aside. Just because one group believe in law and order and other believe in crime and killing dis not mean dey can’t reach some sort of understanding. Why can’t cops and criminalz just get along?

BIG BIG scenery-chewing bad guy puts bounty on Jeff. Gangsters ambush him at skool. Den, for some reazon, let him go. But den show up few days later and shoot him up. Dey drive away but Jeff notice – his hand bleeding. He getting weaker!

Big big bad guy show up at his apartment building. Jeff asleep and can’t wake up. Dog (dat must have some superpowerz of its own) drag Jeff off bed and behind couch. Big big bad guy break into apartment. Den, Slinky show up. Dey argue over who should handle Meteor Man. Den leave.

Dey leave! He lying right dere!

Community meet. Dey decide dey have to get Meteor Man to move. He too much trubble. Jeff sad. And even sadder when gangsterz show up and beat him. He losing power. He too weak.

But homeless Bill Cosby come to de reskue because he also have piece of meteor! He help Jeff regain power. But Slinky get powerz too. Fight! Fight! Fight! Meteor Man beat him and absorb his powerz. Whole nayborhood show up to help Meteor Man defeat bad guyz.

Bad guyz arrested by cops and their new friendz, the street gang dey were shooting at earlier in movie. Cops + street gang = BFF! And everyone live happily ever after.

Escape maybe whoever get shot in retaliatory drive by shooting in off-screen scene after clozing creditz.

Verdikt: Flashes of humor make dis movie not total waste of time. But pretty darn close.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies.

Please diskuss.

Next week movie look partikularly lame. Enjoy! Monster know me won’t.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...erse-movie-go/

May 16, 2012

Photo: Elway


Well, last night I received a call from my writing partner, Paul. It was the call I suspected and expected and altogether dreaded. He was a couple of days into his pass on the first four acts I’d written and, while things were going well, they were also progressing slowly. ”I don’ t know what I was thinking saying I’d be able to push ahead,”he admitted. ”I just finished doing a pass on the first act.” And then: “It would probably be better if you just went ahead.” An awkward lull in the conversation, broken by him: “But why don’t you take tomorrow off as well.”

Sigh. Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize. I figure I will press ahead and keep to my act a day pace. Once I complete the next four acts, I’ll take a day off before picking up again. This way, I will have a finished a draft by the end of May. I’ll take a couple of days off, then do a pass on Paul’s pass and, by the time the delivery deadline creeps up on us, we should be all set. The studio will have their script and I’ll be planning my vacation, stopping only to eat, sleep, update this blog – oh, and, oh yeah, do the rewrite.

I was feeling unusually chatty today, so check out the mucho mailbag.

Today’s entry is dedicated to Deni who said goodbye to her buddy Elway today. Condolences.


Mailbag:

Lewis writes: “Did you catch the premiere of the new season of NEXT FOOD NETWORK STAR? I think they’re re-airing it tonight. Any early favorites from the new crop of talent? The new format is.. interesting.”

Answer: Akemi enjoys the show but I’m not a fan. The competitions and character dynamics can be interesting but, at the end of the day, what’s the point? This is their eighth season. With the exception of Guy Fieri (admittedly a natural in front of the camera) can you name any of the other winning contestants? And, no, I won’t accept “Sandwich King” as an answer unless you actually watch his show. Which you don’t (and don’t tell me you do).

Lewis also writes: “You have so got to review “STEEL” starring Shaq.”

Answer: Yep. Got that penciled in for July 23rd. Should be truly terrible.

Tam Dixon writes: “Cookie’s been hitting the booze a little too hard! Meteor Man got 4 cookies but The Rocketeer dipped into the sugarless range?”

Answer: Far be it for me to defend Cookie Monster’s reviews but, relatively speaking, 6 sugarless chocolate chippee cookies beats 4 chocolate chippee cookies. Monster just felt that Meteor Man did offer some genuinely funny moments (he laughed so hard at the model-off that he almost choked on a snickerdoodle) while Rocketeer was admittedly more accomplished – as beautiful and respectable as an arid landscape.

Maggiemayday writes: “I seem to have missed that particular Marmaduke film.”

Answer: I hear the sequel is coming out this summer = Marmaduke: Number 2

DP writes: “In the very end…The real end, not the other dozen times it seemed like the movie was over…”

Answer: Yeah, I hear that every time Cookie Monster assumed the movie was over, he would start for the bathroom only to have the movie continue. After about the fourth time, he just said screw it and used the kitchen sink.

luis811 writes: “Joe have you got a Sat. Signal yet?????”

Answer: Yes, thanks to technical wizard Lawren Bancroft-Wilson who not only set up both DVR’s and calibrated the basement satellite, but also created a kill setting for my microwave.

2cats writes: “Hey Joe! I recently viewed a Food Network episode, Diner’s, Drive-ins and Dives and a Vancouver eatery was featured:?http://www.redwagoncafe.com/?The food looked fabulous. Have you ever visited this place?”

Answer: Not yet, but I am a regular at the other place he visited on his Vancouver tour: PEACEFUL RESTAURANT. Get the beef rolls!

Andre writes: “I would so much love to hear if the SG Universe guys got to the end of the Galaxy. Maybe you as an insider could share some thoughts.”

Answer: That’s a closing chapter for Brad Wright and Robert Cooper to write provided they’re ever given that opportunity, I, for one, would love some closure as well.

Andrew writes: “Are you still reading Rising Stars? I was just listening to a podcast that talked about it was the greatest series for the first 6 issues then fell off. Hard. Thoughts?”

Answer: I would agree that it certainly started strong. I heard there was a year-long delay somewhere in the run that may have colored some fan perception of the series.

Debra writes: “Have you ever tried Kope Luwak Coffee? I can’t imagine any coffee worth $420 a pound. (much less pooped beans)

How about the Dragon Dog from dougieDog in Vancouver? “A cognac-infused foot long hotdog” for $100 bucks. Just drink a lot of cognac and give me a cheap hotdog.. but who knows, maybe it is worth $100. Nah.

And The Fleur Burger, from Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.. $5,000. “A Wagyu burger topped with duck foie gras, smothered with truffles, and resting on a brioche truffle bun. It comes with a bottle of Chateau Petrus.” (Thanks to reader’s digest for the above list of foods I won’t be buying.)”

Answer: No on all counts. I’m not a fan of champagne, cognac, coffee, or poop.

Brent writes: “For example I have 13 years of security experience with alarm systems, video systems, and access control systems. I’d hate for you to get burned out.”

Answer: I might take you (and your fellow expert/blog readers) up on this.

baterista writes: “Reminding you of a question for Cookie. Does he think, as I do, that some comic franchises lose something in translation to live action?”

Answer: Cookie Monster agrees that the written word is always better whether its film, television, or hotel porn.

JeffW writes: “I don’t know if this is the kind of info you’ve been researching, but as a young engineer in the late ’80?s, I had to visit NSA to fix a driver issue on a Parallel Processing box they had bought from a company I worked for.”

Answer: Great story. I can’t use it for the miniseries but will file it away for a future project. If I do make use of it, I’ll be sure to name one of the characters Jeff W.

Lewis writes: “Now that all 4 issues of DARK MATTER have been released are there any plans for a collected graphic novel release (hardcover or tpb)? And if so are you going to add any extras to it (ie- character bios, background info, etc.)?”

Answer: Funny you should mention this. I recently approved Garry Brown’s terrific cover for the Dark Matter trade paperback which will include all sorts of goodies like sketches and early design work. It will hit the shelves sometime in October – but will let you know once I hear a firm date.

archersangel writes: “speaking of doughnuts; any opinion on cake vs. yeast-raised doughnuts? or did i miss that?”

Answer: I prefer yeast-raised because you can cram more into your mouth.

shaneac1 writes: “if hypothetically speaking MGM and rob cooper came to you to write a script for a big summer blockbuster release of a stargate universe movie how would you write that story.”

Answer: This would be most unlikely since, in the event an SGU movie ever did get a green light, Brad Wright and Robert Cooper would be the ones to write it. If, hypothetically speaking, they wanted to hear my thoughts on where to go: Eli is able to reroute power from the shuttle to a pod and go into stasis, awakening one hundred years later. They find themselves in the clutches of an off-shoot of their descendants, a military civilization with designs on Destiny. Earth, meanwhile, has undergone major changes. Everyone they once knew has passed on but the standing world organization has been able to create a power source that, with the help of the Destiny, will create a stable, limited time wormhole to the ship. Some return, some remain, while some familiar faces (the A Team whose members allowed themselves to be placed in stasis should the opportunity to finally reach Destiny present itself) join the crew (I’m thinking maybe Daniel, McKay). The time in stasis has allowed Park to heal and she can see again while the crew’s interactions with their advanced descendants offer T.J. a cure for her condition. With the help of advanced Earth technology and know-how in addition to a few of the descendants themselves who turn against their own, Destiny is transformed into a lean, highly efficient powerhouse that kicks major ass and makes good its escape. That’s all I got.

DP writes: “Is your mini-series about Dark Matter?”

Answer: Alas, no. Any potential developments on the Dark Matter front are still months away at least.

Travis B. writes: “What’s up with House? Did you watch this week’s episode?”

Answer: Probably the strangest episode of its eight season, 175 episode so far. At times, I wondered if it was all some extended dream sequence. I didn’t understand why finding a photo of a young boy in a patient’s drawer would be construed as bizarre. I simply assumed it was either of childhood picture of him or a younger brother (the latter turned out to be the case). I didn’t understand why a mother, ten years after the death of a son, refused to even talk about him at the request of a sick but very much alive son. I don’t know why Wilson went off on House at the restaurant and why he couldn’t plainly see that all of House’s machinations were orchestrated because he cared. Wilson is smarter than that. I didn’t get why the fire department would forward the tickets which were clogging the pipes to the police department (the insurance sure, but the cops?) nor can I understand how the police could have lifted House’s fingerprints off them. Correct me if I’m wrong, but when they dust for prints, aren’t they essentially matching the oil deposits left by the fingers. How do those survive being flushed down a toilet?

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...ke-you-decide/

May 17, 2012


You ever have one of those mornings where you’re awakened by the sustained whine of your home alarm? You stumble out of bed and are in the midst of deactivating it, wondering: a ) how your girlfriend could have forgotten about it before letting the dogs out and b) why she hadn’t deactivated it herself, when your girlfriend steps out of the bathroom and asks “What’s going on?”, quashing that possible explanation. And then you go downstairs to discover the back door open (not just unlocked, but ajar) and, try as you might, you can’t actually recall locking it the previous night although it’s something you routinely do. And when you’ve almost got yourself convinced that, maybe, you DID forget to lock it and it was merely blown open that morning – until you realize that the door opens outwards, meaning the gust of wind would have had to emanate from inside the house. Also, adding to your increasing discomfort is the fact that your front gate is wide open and that you DO remember shutting it last night. So, armed with a makeshift weapon, you work your way systematically from room to room and closet to closet, checking, searching, half-convinced it’s a silly, unnecessary exercise and half-expecting to find some deranged lunatic hunkered down in the crawlspace, poised to spring at you with sharp, dirty fingernails the second you push open the door. But not finding anything, you breathe a sigh of relief, discard the makeshift weapon, and resume your daily routine, while, in the back of your mind, you can’t help but doubt the efficiency of your search and wonder about those potential hiding places you overlooked or dismissed: the cupboards, under the beds, behind the boxes in the crawlspace. These notions nag at you as you work on the sixth act of the near-future miniseries you’re writing, unnerving imaginings of some contortionist little person sitting undetected inside your kitchen pantry, silently biding his time, lying in wait for night to fall when he can slip out of hiding to allow his circus cohorts access to your home so that they can execute their carnivalesque orgy of murder and mayhem.

Ever have one of those mornings? Yes? No?

In retrospect, I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for what happened. In order of likelihood:

1. AN HONEST MISTAKE. I did, in fact, forget to lock the back door last night because I took the dogs to the front yard instead. It not only wasn’t locked, but wasn’t shut properly yet was still technically “shut” as far as the alarm system was concerned since a subsequent test revealed it could armed in just such a state. Since the door wasn’t actually closed, it eventually could have been blown open by a gust of wind. Similarly, a gust of wind could have also blown open the front gate as well.

2. A BURGLAR. Someone tried to break into the house, managed to pick the lock and open the door – only to trigger the alarm which caused him/her to panic and flee. I’m going with “pick the lock” because the back door shows no signs of forced entry. Also, and I’m sure this must be my imagination, the lock seems to open a lot smoother than it used to.

3. HITMAN. Same scenario as above except that, instead of breaking in with the intention of robbing me, the intruder intended to off me. He/she was either discouraged by the alarm or simply wanted to confirm it was operational before moving on to the next more inspired attempt.

4. GHOST. My house is haunted by a restless spirit that stepped out back for a morning smoke, triggering the alarm.

What do you guys think?

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...our-questions/

May 18, 2012 - Part 1

Photos: Dark Matter


When my editor at Dark Horse, Patrick Thorpe, asked me which artist I wanted to work with on Dark Matter, I had a difficult time offering a name. Yes, there are plenty of comic book artists whose work I greatly admire but, being a relative newcomer to the field, I didn’t feel right pitching someone for the project. Rather, I preferred to pitch the visual style I envisioned for the series. I sent Patrick some samples of the look I was hoping to achieve, comic book covers and panels from a variety of artists. Soon after, Patrick emailed me a name: Garry Brown. As is turned out, I was familiar with Garry through his work on Incorruptible and thought he would be perfect for Dark Matter.

And he was. Also, a pleasure to work with.

Garry did the art for all four issues (including the covers), and also did the cover for the trade paperback (that collects the opening four-issue arc) which hits the stands October 10th. And for those of you wondering when we’ll see the next chapter in the Dark Matter comic book series, well, that’s entirely dependent on how the trade sells. So, if you want more Dark Matter, then support the series by picking up the TPB in October. In the meantime, Paul and I are hard at work trying to set it up as a t.v. show.

But, for now, I hand this blog over to the uber-talented Garry Brown…

Sparrow__hawk writes: “@Garry Brown: I’m in awe of your amazing talent! Thanks for bringing Joe’s story to life.”

BG: Thanks so much. I’m glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks to everyone who picked up the book. I had a great time working on it and I hope you enjoyed it.

Ponytail writes: “Do you work mostly with pencil and pad or on the computer?”

GB: I work both traditionally and digitally. I’ll do pencils digitally with my cintiq, then print that out blueline on the art board and inks it traditionally. I prefer the look of real inks.

“What has been your favorite character to illustrate over the years?”

GB: Well, i’m relatively new to comics so I haven’t illustrated many different characters. I had a lot of fun with the Dark Matter characters.

“What was your most fun project ever?”

GB: Probably Dark Matter. Getting to be involved in the creation of a whole new world was exciting, plus working with talents like Joe and Paul was really great.

“Who is your boss, the writer or publisher?”

GB: Both, the editor and the writer(s), i think.

“When working, what is a typical day like for you?”

GB: Checking/replying to emails first thing. Then checking over the previous day’s work for mistakes or clean up, then onto a new page. I try and get at least 1 page penciled and inked in a day.

“Have you ever suggested a dialogue change to the writer?”

GB: No, that’s not really my place. I’m there to bring the writer’s vision to the page.

“Who is responsible for the sounds effects, (wham!, krsh!, foom!), you or the writer?”

GB: The writer mostly, but the artist can add a few if needed.

“Did you or have you ever hidden humorous images in Dark Matter or your other drawings just for your personal amusement or entertainment? (I thought I saw a picture of Joe’s dog in Dark Matter 4 – pg 1, 3rd pic)”

GB: Ha, not on purpose. I’m not against it, though.

“What did you draw as a kid and when did you know you were pretty good?”

GB: I think I drew mostly my own random stuff. My town didn’t have a comic store so I didn’t really know that many characters as a kid. I think I eventually started drawing Batman, Spiderman and Judge Dredd.

“Thank you for taking the time and answering our questions!”

GB: You’re very welcome.

Dasndanger writes: “Firstly, let me say that I really enjoyed the art in Dark Matter. I think it captured not just the essence of the characters, but also the gritty atmosphere of the story, from pencils to colors. Well done!”

GB: Thank you very much. I’m glad you enjoyed it. It was fun working on it.

“1. Thank you for making the samurai lad so pretty. Did Joe coach you on that, perhaps suggesting that there may be a couple female readers in need of a long-locked, manga-esque character?”

BG: Yeah, that was in the scripts. We went through a few different designs of that character until we hit the right note. The script called for a slightly androgynous look.
“2. Who determined the coloring for Dark Matter – you, or your colorist?”

GB: It was all the colorist [RYAN HILL].

“3. Do you ever do your own coloring?”

GB: Yeah, when I do covers mostly. I did all the covers for Dark Matter, including the colors. Plus I did about 20 covers for the Incorruptible series and a few others.

“4. Have you tried your hand at writing a comic? If not, is it something that interests you?”

GB: I have. I’ve got a few projects I’ve created. Some are just ideas, some have full scripts. It’s just getting the free time to work on them that’s tough.

“5. What are your thoughts on the state of the comic book industry, and the future of the medium?”

GB: I’m not sure really. I’m still kind of on the outskirts of the industry. I’ve been ‘pro’ for a few years now and I still don’t know much about the mechanics of the industry. I’m pretty sure people shouldn’t be afraid of the inclusion of digital comics. I know a lot of pros and publishers don’t give them much credence, but I think it’s a good way to open up the industry a bit more.

“6. Do you think that the over-sexualization of female characters in comic books, especially when it comes to the artwork, keeps female readers away?”

GB: I do, yes. It can be a little strange to see all the male characters in fullbody armor/suits and have all the women wearing nothing but a bathing suit. Add in the fact that the women are all drawn radically out of proportion and I could see how it might put people off.

“7. I understand you’re Scottish. So, what’s really under a kilt? ;o)”

GB: Ha, as i remember, Kilt etiquette is you only go commando when going to war. If women are present, you remain contained.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...our-questions/

May 18, 2012 Part 2


Spendrup writes: “Do you listen to any type of music when you work to get inspiration?”

GB: Yeah, I set my ipod on random. So I get everything from Black Keys to CCR playing. Although, lately I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks. Mostly Stephen King.

“Did you came up with the look of the Ferrous Corp guys on your own, or was it all in the script?”

GB: I think that was a collaboration. I came up with a few designs and we picked what we liked. I just like drawing gas masks, haha.

Airelle writes: “Garry Brown, thank you for the great work on Joe and Paul’s project.?Did you have a favorite character to draw in this project??thanks for your time!”

GB: Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad you liked the book I liked drawing all the main players actually. I guess if i had to pick it’d be Marcus Boone [THREE]. He had a good face.

Randomness writes: “What drew you to Dark Matter?”

GB: I was told about a possible sci-fi miniseries by my editor at Dark Horse. I’m a huge sci-fi fan, so I was really excited about the prospect of it.

“What do you think of the story?”

GB: I really enjoyed reading the scripts. I didn’t get all 4 at once, so I was reading them almost like you guys were. I’d finish drawing one issue then get the next script. It was a great read. I think it’s got a lot of potential to expand the universe we created.

“What’s your favorite Dark Matter scene?”

GB: I actually enjoy the scenes were people are just talking to each other. Having debates/arguments. I guess that’d be the dramatic scenes.

“What character do you like the most?”

GB: I probably like Griffin Jones [SIX] the best. I think he’s got a lot of depth and conflict in him.

“What has it been like working with Joe and Paul, two greats behind Stargate?”

GB: It’s been great. Being involved in creating something with these guys has been a blast.

“Are you a Stargate fan?”

GB: Yes, since the movie actually. So that’s a while now. Really liked Universe. I would have loved to see where it went.

“Do you hope Dark Matter will be a long running series?”

GB: Sure, I’d love to get back into that world. Also I’d like to know where the story goes from here. A lot of possibilities.

“What’s your favorite hobby?”

GB: I’m slowly getting back into songwriting/music.

“On a whole what has it been like working on Dark Matter?”

GB: A great experience. One of my more creative to date.

“Are you a foodie?”

GB: Yes, i think.

DP writes: “What happens to a project if an artist drops out partway through its run, given the need for stylistic continuity for this kind of work?

GB: I don’t think stylistic continuity is a must. It’s certainly nice to try and keep a flow going, but it doesn’t bother me.

“What can be done within a work group to minimize the risks of losing stylistic continuity in a project?”

GB: I think editors would make sure the new guy had all the previous artist’s pages and designs to keep him more on model. You would certainly have to keep the look of any previously designed characters/environment the same.

“Please correct the jargon I used in the above questions. I need to know how to express this correctly. You really don’t want to know how much I already cleaned up the language from how I’ve heard it expressed.”

GB: Ha, seemed fine to me.

“How much do you use computers in the early stages of submitting a rough draft of a drawing? How digitized is your final product?”

GB: I do layouts, pencils and coloring digitally. I do the inks traditionally.

“How many iterations of a drawing do you go through working with Joe and Paul? Is that more or less than is typical in this kind of work?”

GB: If it’s a character design, then it’ll go through a few different iterations until everyone is satisfied. I think it’s the same with every new series.

“What do you think of those internet sites where artists can bid for freelancing jobs?”

GB: I haven’t heard of them, but it sounds terrible to me. Artists don’t really get paid much, so if you have a lot of people lowballing jobs, then it hurts the rest of the industry. Artist should have a price and not feel like they have to take scraps in order to get a job.

“Are there any cryptic signatures in your work, like a Stargate director putting a pineapple in each of his SG-1 episodes?”

GB: Not yet, but that pineapple idea is a good one.

jojo writes: “For Garry: Do computers affect or help your work in any way? “

GB: I work a lot on the wacom cintiq which has increased the pace at which i can work by about 50%. So it has helped me a lot. In comics the deadline is king. You can’t afford to miss it. Your editor has trust in you and you’re contracted to do certain work by a certain time.

“Do you do other work besides comic books and graphic novels?”

GB: Yeah, I’ve done a few album covers, posters, storyboards and concept designs.

“Is it difficult to get jobs?”

GB: It’s extremely difficult to get work. It’s a lot like acting or writing. A lot of it has to do with being in the right place at the right time and being ready to go.

“Is it possible to do your work from any location or do you have to be located in a certain city?”

GB: Yes, in comics you can work from absolutely anywhere.

Ponytail writes: “Joe I had one more question for artist Garry Brown, if you don’t mind… I think some others have touched on coloring but what exactly is the job of the colorist and why can’t the Artist do that too? Why the separation of duties?”

GB: I think it’s the same reason that sometimes there’s an artist who pencils, then another guy inks and another guys colors. It’s all to do with time. The thought is that while I finish a page of inks, I the give it to the colorist to color as I am still working on another page, that way cutting down on the time it takes. A production line sort of thing.

[Jumper_One]

http://josephmallozzi.wordpress.com/...ournalerer-er/

May 19, 2012

Photo: Joe Mallozzi


So, despite having done this for over five years now, I apparently break all the fundamental rules of successful blogging. I don’t market my blog, make money off it through advertising, stick to a single niche or dedicated theme, and, perhaps worst of all, do not limit myself to the recommended weekly entry. Instead, my daily ramblings cover everything from Tokyo maid cafes to my hatred of ceviche and kiwis (not to be confused with Newsies, the people of New Zealand). Sure, I could make it easier on myself by not being so prolific, but I’m on a roll here – five years’ worth of continuous daily blogging! – and just can’t bring myself to stop now.

Daily blogging is not without its challenges. Yes, I’m a writer, but you’re sorely mistaken if you believe (like my ex sister-in-law) that I “just sit around all day, making stuff up”. I can’t just turn it on and off like my friend, Martin Gero, does comedy (P.S. If you ever run into him on the street, ask him to say or do something funny. You won’t be disappointed.). I need to be inspired. Or, if not inspired, then at least have a somewhat interesting topic to discuss. Every day I wake up wondering “What am I going to blog about today?” and, eventually, it hits me – sometimes right that moment, sometimes late in the evening when I’m in a half lucid state from eating too much chocolate and ice cream. Sooner or later, something comes.

Like today, for instance, when I received the following question from KevininNS: “Was wondering if you could comment sometime on your blog preparation/planning process? Do you have a set schedule/routine for it? Since you’ve written every single day, with a wide variety of content, i’m thinking you probably do. Although since you’re also a writer by occupation, maybe you don’t.”

And that’s when it hit me, today’s blog topic: I would write about having nothing to write about.

Well, that’s not exactly true. Although it seems like a lead a glamorous and exciting life filled with eroticism and high-adventure, the fact is my life is not all that different from yours (minus your funny hats but plus my awesome collection of supervillain statues). I do have an edge however. Being a writer, I can make the most mundane experiences sound interesting and inviting, like traveling to Tokyo and visiting 29 restaurants (totaling 34 Michelin stars) in two weeks or, say, working in television. It aint easy, but it can be done.

So to answer your questions, Kevin, little if any preparation goes into this blog. I blog at all hours of the day, covering a variety of topics, with no schedule or routine because I am in a perenially panicked state. When will I have time to update my blog? Is this topic interesting enough? Will my failure to comment on her comment for two successive mailbags offend blog regular Das?

The reality is that coming up with a constant source of material for daily blogging can be tough. Fortunately, I have some tips to make the daunting and drudgerous task of writing for others a simple and relatively pleasant experience:

1. Try to do at least one interesting thing a day (ie. making your own oatmeal or watching old episodes of Vampire Diaries out of order) and write about it. In the event what you do isn’t interesting, then take a picture of it and post that.

2. Upload embarrassing and potentially incriminating photos and videos of yourself. Don’t worry. The internet is a place where nameless individuals come together in love, respect, and mutual support. That’s why it was invented, after all.

3. When blogging, always try to write something you know nothing about. Take the reader along with you on your journey of discovery.

4. Drink while blogging. Booze makes you more charming. Not most people, but you.

5. Schedule one epic rant every 7-8 months to bring in new readers. Choose an easy target most people can line up against (ie. Polygamous Walruses or Buddhists Who Don’t Tip).

6. Set your blog apart from all the others by adopting a unique writing style. Old English would be ideal but, if you’re not fluent, then try peppering your articles with random words in Welsh or Tagalog. Alternately, you might want to consider writing in another accent. British for instance: “I say, that was a positively smashing entry, wot?”.

7. Come up with catchy titles for your entries (ie. “White-faced Saki Monkey Wins Parcheesi Championship!” or “Five Easy Steps to Wealth, Weight Loss, and Marriage to that Celebrity You’re Obsessed With!”). Don’t forget the exclamation marks!!!

8. Leave comments on other high-traffic sites and don’t forget to include backlinks to your blog. Make sure your comment is succinct and engaging (“I think we may hooked up the last time I was in town!).

9. Readers today have the attention spans of caffeinated meerkats so make sure your blog stands out. Grab their attention and keep it by festooning your home page with hyper-kinetic multi-colored visual elements: emoticons, funny gifs, flashing borders and multiple frames and sub-frames. Take a page out of MySpace’s success story.

10. This goes without saying, but there’s nothing more frustrating than reading a sloppy article. Before you hit publish, make sure you’ve prfread your work!

[Jumper_One]

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May 20, 2012

Photos: Akemi, Ivon Bartok, Joe Mallozzi, dinners


The plan was to get together with the boys this afternoon and continue our Game of Thrones season 2 marathon (this is how guys spend Sunday afternoon’s during the NFL off-season), but schedules didn’t line up (Ivon has a meeting with his parole officer, while Lawren’s girlfriend is hosting her Oprah’s book club meeting and he promised he’d stay home and bake scones) so I ended up working instead. As a result, I ended up completing the eighth act of the miniseries Paul and I are writing. That’s two hours, eight acts, and 106 pages down – and roughly the same amount to go. I’m only at the halfway mark!

Between these fairly intense and exhausting writing sessions, I’ve taken the occasional break to head out with the dogs, do some readings, and go out for the occasional meal. There was a time in my life I would eat out every night. Now, the majority of my meals are enjoyed at home, and my last few dinners out haven’t exactly made me nostalgic for the old days. It’s been disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. Not even the food offerings of the annual Summer Night Market were able to live up to my relatively low expectations.

Last night, Ivon joined Akemi and me in checking out the annual Summer Night Market (not to be confused with the very similar Richmond Night Market we’ll be checking out next weekend, now with even lower expectations). No one goes to these things for the flea market sales. They go for the food. And the food on this night was mostly unmemorable or downright disappointing. I’m not why the organizers felt they needed half a dozen food stands all serving the same fried potato sticks. On the other hand, I felt bad for the sushi vendor who, despite the crowds, was seeing no business at all. I felt sorry for them, but not sorry enough to buy and eat night market sushi.

Another disappointing dinner took place the other day when we checked out a new(ish) seafood restaurant in Gastown. Among the lowlights: a bland lobster salad containing nominal lobster, some overdone tagliatelle with crab, some terribly underdone brussel sprouts, and a couple of desserts I actually felt sad eating because they looked like they’d commanded a fair amount of effort but the results had been so disastrous.

And then there was dinner the other night at an old (sort of) favorite. Following a salad that tasted like it should be good for you (and I mean that in the not nicest way possible), we followed with three pasta dishes we shared. The first, a spaghetti, was perfectly al dente and the accompanying sauce was simple and flavorful, if not a little less thick than on our last visit. The second, a rigatoni, was also nicely cooked, but the accompanying sauce was unremarkable. The third, a tagliatelle special (what is with tagliatelle?) was an overcooked mash that inevitably clumped together. We decided to take the pastas to go, figuring Akemi might enjoy them the next day, if not the last two then certainly the spaghetti. Moments later, our waitress returned with two boxes and informed us that one of the other servers who’d helped clear our table had mistakenly tossed our leftover spaghetti in the trash. The guilty server swung by our table to offer a half-hearted apology, then suggested our lack of leftovers should prove ample motivation for us to return and try the dish again. I was…surprised, especially given the fact that they know me. Granted, I didn’t expect them to go through the trouble of eating the $3 cost of the plate and making me a fresh serving, but it would have been nice to have been comped a dessert. Anyway, we left and I vowed it would be a long time before we made a return visit.

And those were just our last three dinner outings. Equally underwhelming were past visits to other restaurants, a few of which had always consistently in the past: three Italian, one Vietnamese, and Caribbean place (What was I thinking? This is Vancouver!). The only luck I’ve had in the past month has been with lunches. The porchetta sandwich at Meat & Bread and the tacos at Tacqueria never fail to impress.

Ultimately, a disappointing dinner outing stings on many levels. There’s the waste of time, the waste of money and, perhaps most maddening, the waste of calories. I could’ve just stayed home and braised a lamb shank.

[Jumper_One]

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May 21, 2012

Video: Fantastic Four (1994) trailer

Photos: Blankman


Calling dis movie “a comedy” be like calling orange soda “juice”. Blankman aktually offer less den 5% of de daily rekommended serving of laffs. It start promising enuf, den go downhill faster den a carob birtday cake delivery truck wit no brakes. Or a movie written by a ten year old – which me suspekt dis is.

Movie open wit great scene of two boyz trying to watch Batman. Recepshun bad so little genius create antenna using aloominum foil, string, and toilet (coinsidentally, dis also eqwipment Grover use to make his Blue Belly Crank ®All Rights Reserved, White Crunch Productions – a subsidiary of Grover Inc.). It work! Den toilet overflow. When grandma find out, she storm into room and we cut to opening creditz wit old-style Batman sound effekts – POW! BAM! – substitooting for grandma’s ass-whooping. Monster tink dis great stuff. Could it be dis movie get even higher rating den Rocketman and bring rath of angry blog reader Das down on Cookie?

Fast-forward. Kidz grown up. One, Kevin, a player with de ladies. De other, Daryl, a nerd. Damon Wayons play him wit all de skill and suttlety of aktor who flunk out of De Jerry Lewis Akademy for Performing Artz.

Daryl invent all sort of useless tings inkluding a green poshun dat make his clothes bulletproof. Monster don’t know how and don’t know why. And neither does writer of movie becuz he not bother to explain.

At dis point, movie turn surprizingly poignant, like dat time Andrew Dice Clay cry on Arsenio. Grandma killed by gangster. On way back from funeral, Daryl save woman from purse snatcher. He catch de bug. No, not taxoplasmosis dat mebbe explain his stoopid behavior (brain damage). Me talking about de “superhero bug”! Daryl sew hisself an outfit, attach some gadjets to his belt, and go off to fight crime!

He try to fight crime and get beat up, but saved by brother Kevin. Den trown in jail for akting crazy. Kevin bring him to visit psykiatrist but doktor tink Kevin de crazy one. Dis scene aktually work well and almost convince monster mebbe dis IS a comedy, but den rest of movie convince me otherwize.

Daryl get big brake when he help deliver baby in elevator. Suddenly, he a real superhero: Blankman! Everybody love him inkluding seksy reporter who Kevin in love wit. She go on date wit him, kiss him, and in movie’s biggest WTF scene, Daryl get his first erektion and dance around like he have poopy cramps. Ah, comedy gold! For some reazon, seksy reporter find dis adorable.

Everyting great for Daryl until mayor taken hostage in bank by gangster (same one who kill Daryl and Kevin’s grandma). Daryl goes into bank to save Mayor but place rigged wit ekspolsives and he have to leave. Bank blow up. Mayor die. For some reazon (aka de plot call for it) police and publik blame Blankman. Daryl decide to hang up his cape and give up on life. What he do? Become hermit? Worse. Kill hisself? Worse even! He get job at McDonaldz!

And tings get even worse for Daryl when fate (and demandz of lame script) intervene. Gangster kidnap reporter! Daryyl have to retire from fast food bizness and join Kevin to save de girl!

Dey save girl wit help of robot dat look like cyborg Cookie Monster. But gangster get away so we can stretch out dis painful movie even longer. Daryl and Kevin show up. Kevin dare bad guyz to shoot him. Dey do. He get shot. Den Daryl say to Kevin: “Forgot to tell you: only my clothez bulletproof.” Hohoho. Is funny because he not shot in face, crap his pantz, and scream like guy who cross Oscar de Grouch dat one time.

Daryl/Blankman use rocket bootz to catch gangster. Gangster arrested. Blankman a celebrity again. Kevin to lesser extent. Daryl worried dat reporter not love him for who he is but really only love Blankman. However, turn out everyting okay becuz he just love stoopid socially awkward guyz like most women monster don’t know. She kiss him and movie end wit extended poopy cramp dance as Daryl get another boner. Sure. Why not?

Verdikt: Rocketman dis aint. Heck, it not even Meteor Man.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee cookie frontloaded in first five minutes of movie.

Letz refresh our palate wit Fantastic Four. Monster big Jessika Alba fan and really looking forward to...

Wait? What? Dis movie not have Jessica Alba? It earlier verzion? Mebbe still good though...

Nope. Mebbe not.