Joseph Mallozzi's Blog! (SPOILERS For All SG Shows and Dark Matter)

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April 9, 2012

Photos: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie


Hoo boy. Take one good idea wit promise, sell out and make it for kiddiez to cash in on merchandizing potenshul, den make movie about it but don’t bother paying for decent script. Just trow together any old lazy ideas, some lame jokes and dubbing, and voila – you have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a movie made twenty yearz ago back when kidz a lot eazier to impress. Monster not understand how history judge Howard de Duck so harsh but give dis movie a free pass.

City full of crime. Woman mugged. But teenage mutant ninja turtles to da reskue! Dey fight to lame late 80?s synth muzak! Dey use dated hipster doofus termz like “Bodashus!” and “Radikal!”! Dey live in sewerz – which monster tink pretty appropriate becuz dat where dis stinker of a movie belong!

Stuff happen. Me not bore you wit details. But turtle master, Ratso Rizzo, get kidnapped by bad guy in samurai hat doing bad Darf Vader imitashun.

Turtles waste time fighting over pizza, gestikulating wildly like bad stage aktors, and making friendz wit newz reporter and vigilante who dress like maniak from Friday de 13th. Dese two fall in love for some reazon even though he a brainless missoginist and she have mebbe half brain. Or mebbe not.

Itz ninja turtles versuz ninja ninjas! Turtles fight wit sharp weaponz but never aktually stab anyone wit dem. Monster guess dey more of a fashun statement.

Ratso Rizzo saved! Turtles find out someting audience figured out one hour earlier: sekret identity of Darf Shredder. He fall off building and die. Until next movie anyway.

Newscaster and troglodite get together. Turtles tell more lame jokes. And monster wish he rewatching Superman and de Mole-Men instead.

Verdikt: Verdikt is monster finished watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles moviez. One enuf to last a lifetime.

Rating: 4 chocolate chippee cookies. And only becuz dis a kidz. Adultz and anyone dat graduated grade six need not apply.

Pleaze diskuss.

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April 10, 2012

Photos: Macaroon, macaron, Akemi, Joe Mallozzi, Connie, Dark Matter


Everyone has their weaknesses. For some it’s drugs. For others it’s drink. For still others, it can be something as seemingly innocuous as surfing the internet, head massages, or shirtless albino guys. For me, it’s ice cream and macarons. I’ve never been much of a drinker and, to be honest, golf and drugs hold equal non-appeal as both expensive and uninteresting, but there’s nothing like the rush of partially melted vanilla Haagen Dazs ice cream with a spoonful of Nutella or the exquisite delight of a Pierre Herme pistachio macaron.

I’ve been a lifelong ice cream addict but it wasn’t until five years ago that I made the leap from casual user to manufacturer. At first, it started with those quickie frozen dessert recipes I’d found online. I soon graduated to actual ice cream makers with special freezer storage components, motorized units and built-in timers that would allow me to produce 2 liter batches at a time. I went beyond the gateway flavors and began experimenting with unique particulates and liquors: caramel popcorn vanilla-galliano, maple butterscotch schnapps bacon, bananas foster. I tried to get my friends hooked, mass-producing three, often four flavors a week and bringing them into the office for lunch on Fridays. I was out of control.

My wake-up call finally came on the evening my ex hosted a dinner party in which I served 13 different flavors of home made ice cream. Of course, I had to sample them all. As if that wasn’t enough, one flavor so impressed, it proved to be my undoing because one bowl of the Michel Cluizel premium milk chocolate with crumbled Flake chocolate topped with Advokaat (eggnog) liqueur just wasn’t enough. Neither was two. I hit the wall at three – but only because I’d already sampled those thirteen other flavors. By the time the party wrapped, I was physically ill. I’d hit rock bottom.

Fortunately, with the support of friends and family, I’ve been able to overcome my addiction. I still make ice cream, but rarely more than two flavors at a time, and now limit myself to a mere five bowls a week.

As for macarons, my passion for the little meringue and buttercream/ganache confections began during a business trip to Paris. It’s there I sampled one for the first time – the Pierre Herme pistachio that still ranks as my favorite. Since then, I’ve become a little obsessed, tracking them down in every city I visit, sampling flavors ranging from straight vanilla bean (revelatory in its simplicity) to foie grass and white truffle, and now – progressing to the obvious next step – making them myself, again graduating from recreational user to manufacturer.

First things first though.

THIS is a macaroon:

And THIS is a macaron:

They’re two very different things and yet people confuse them all the time. They sound very similar, so I suppose it’s forgivable for someone who doesn’t know any better to refer to a macaron as a macaroon, but what drives me nuts is when professionals (a.k.a. people who SHOULD know better), can’t distinguish between the two. In a recent episode of Top Chef Canada, one of the competing chefs won a challenge by making what he called a “macaroon” that was actually a “macaron”. When it came time for the judges to weigh in on his creation, not one of them corrected him. In fact, head judge Mark McEwan even called it a macaroon! On another Food Network show, Cupcake Wars, one of the judges (a pastry chef and Frenchman no less!) is introduced as the owner of Mad Mac Macaroons. A 2010 Wall Street Journal article on the macaron’s rise in popularity concludes with a quote from yours truly. Asked if I saw a silver lining to its popularization, I answered: “”Maybe people will stop calling them ‘macaroons.’ ” [Macarons New Popularity Worries Fans - WSJ.com].

And then again, maybe not.

I was surfing the net a couple of weeks ago in search of untested macarons offerings in Vancouver, when I happened to come across the website J’adore les Macarons – French Macarons & Macaron Baking Classes …, a home/online business that not only sells macarons, but offers classes in macaron-making as well! I signed us up and, yesterday, Akemi and I attended the class.

We were told to bring a big container to hold the 20 (in our case, 40) macarons we’d be making over the course of the four hour lesson. “And an apron,”Akemi suggested before we left the house. I assured her that aprons weren’t required, but she brought one anyway – along with her fluffy dalmation slippers.

We arrived for our lesson five minutes early, met the two women who would be taking the class with us, one a parole officer (Great connection. You never know.), the other the owner of her own custom cake pops and cupcakes business (Beautiful creations: http://www.carmensediblecreations.com/). We were instructed to wash our hands and choose an apron. ”See?!”I was reproached.

Okay, granted, aprons aren’t exactly manly, but I figured I might be able to salvage some of my pride with something remotely masculine like, say, one with a “Real Men Don’t Use Recipes” message emblazoned on the front or a “Hook ‘em and Cook ‘em” alternative or even a simple “Licensed to Grill.” No such luck. ”Take the black one!”advised our instructor, Connie. I grabbed the black one, put it on, and started toward the kitchen island when she stopped me with a: “Oh God! Not THAT one!”. I looked down. It was plain black – with darling little white ribbons on the front. I returned to the rack and perused the selection, passing on the pink cherry motif and “Will Cook for Bling” in favor a relatively inoffensive green and yellow lemon apron.

Some of the highlights of our instructive afternoon:

A great time was had by all. We packed up our macarons and headed out, looking forward to sampling the fruits of our labor. But only after the macarons had rested for 24-48 hours.

Or on the car ride home.

If you’re interested in taking the course, go here: http://www.jadorelesmacarons.com/index.html

And if you’re looking to sit down to some tea and Vancouver’s best macarons, might I suggest:

Welcome | Bel Cafe Bel Cafe

Soirette Macarons and Tea

Thomas Haas Fine Chocolates and Patisserie, fine handmade …

With the fourth issue of SF comic book series, Dark Matter, poised to hit the shelves tomorrow, I give you the full preview of the opening arc’s final installment. Say the gang at http://www.mtv.com/geek/: “DARK MATTER #4 wraps up an intriguing new scifi universe series with a rather big twist, that demands we get a Dark Matter #5 ASAP.”

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April 11, 2012

Photos: Books, Dark Matter, Lulu, Jelly


I picked up a few books today and I’m trying to decide on some sort of reading order. Familiar with any of the above titles? Able to read the above titles? Okay, allow me to help:

Dark Places, Gillian Flynn

The Story Sisters, Alice Hoffman

The Islanders, Christopher Priest (actually, already halfway through this one).

Moonwalking with Einstein, Joashua Foer

Volt, Alan Heathcock

The Devotion of Suspect X, Keigo Higashino

Care of Wooden Floors, Will Wiles

The Vagrants, Yiyun Li

Please Look After Mom, Kyung-Sook Shin

Ravens, George Dawes Green

The Little Stranger, Sarah Waters (enjoyed Affinity).

Sharp Obejcts, Gillian Flynn

Blood, Bones & Butter, Gabrielle Hamilton

A Dark Matter, Peter Straub

Familiar with any of the above listed books? Recommendations? Suggestions? Warnings?

I’m making up for lost time. Specifically, my time in Toronto where I went from a 2-3 book a week habit to 2-3 books the entire year. Also, after being pleasantly surprised by novels like Patricia Highsmith’s Deep Water and Helen Simonson’s Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand, I’m looking to expand my recreational reading horizons beyond SF, Fantasy, and Horror. So if you’ve got some non-genre suggestions, would love to hear ‘em. What was the last great book you read?

The fourth (and final?) issue of my SF comic book series came out today. Did you pick up your copy? Or are you waiting for the trade paperback to come out in six months? Thoughts? Questions? Critiques?

The gang at Comic Book Bastards weighed in on Dark Matter #4 (bless their hearts): Comic Bastards – Home – Review: Dark Matter #4. They say: “The series ends with the perfect set up for the next chapter and hopefully people will go back and check out the series so we get that next chunk of the story.”

You heard ‘em! Check it out, people!

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April 12, 2012

Videos: Gintama, Another (2012) trailer

Photos: Garvige day, Mangas


“Garvige day?”I asked. ”What’s garvige day?”

“Gar-vige,”Akemi enunciated for me. ”Garvige day.”

“You mean garbage day,”I said.

“Yes,”she confirmed as if that’s what she’d been saying all along. ”Garvige day. Why? How do you spell it?”

“G-A-R-B-A-G-E”. I said the letters aloud as I wrote them in big block letters on the piece of paper.

She gave the word a quizzical stare and then, brow furrowed: “Gar-ba-ge-jy.”

“No. Garbage.”

She threw me a suspicious sideways look as though I was trying to pull one over on her: “That’s not gar-bage. That’s gar-ba-jy.”

I assured her: “No. That’s garbage.”

She gave an exasperated sigh. ”I don’t know. English so mysterious for me.”

And yet, even though she’s continually frustrated in her attempts to master the language, she’s come a long way from our first date when she could barely speak it at all. Today, she can converse freely and is easily understood. Sure, she makes the occasional mistakes and is baffled by the intricacies of the grammar – but, in all fairness, so am I (as I immediately discovered when she asked me to explain the rules of my mother tongue). All this in contrast to me whose Japanese hasn’t progressed past the verbal skills of a polite Japanese three year old boy. On the bright side, my hiragana and katakana has improved, meaning I can now read most of a Japanese menu – although it would admittedly take me the better part of the day to do it.

Still, we’re both trying. Every day, I drop her off downtown where she takes one or two classes (conversation, listening, idiom), then head back home to study a chapter from my Japanese language book and translate two pages of manga. I’m about to finish my first book (Baby, Please Kill Me) so Akemi surprised me with two new mangas -

Speaking of Gintama, we cap off every night by watching an episode of one of the most outrageously entertaining anime out there. The nightly screenings help me improve my listening skills while also educating me to the nuances of Japanese culture...

We’re a mere 95 episodes in with another 150+ to go. I take the occasional break to check out other anime shows as well. We watched the horror-themed, Another. While effectively creepy, suspenseful and engaging, I felt it ultimately collapsed under the weight of its own overly-complicated internal logic.

Mighty visceral and quite gory. It reminded me of Gantz and Elfen Lied, two other titles I greatly enjoyed. I’m also halfway through another reputedly graphic series, Deadman Wonderland, but have been disappointed with the heavy censorship. Some scenes are so dark it’s impossible to make out what’s happening. Disappointing.

Thanks to everyone who has weighed in with their book recommendations. Keep ‘em coming!


Mailbag:

BoltBait writes: “Joe, what do you think of a story like this? http://www.forbes.com/sites/larryolm...kobe-beef-lie/ Is traveling to Japan to have real Kobe beef worth the trip?”

Answer: Thanks for the link. A great read. I look forward to the next installment. Yes, I’ve noticed a discernible difference between the “kobe beef” they serve in North America and the real kobe beef. Is the real stuff work the trip? Well, let’s put it this way. After tasting kobe beef for the first time in Tokyo, I was unable to eat regular North American steak for years.

jerem writes: “1) It is possible to see one day, Dark Matter in France?

2) Any revelation planned by Robert Cooper or Brad Wright, concerning the end of the arc story of SGU? How it should be end?”

Answer: 1) I believe you can get a digital copy here: Store | Dark Horse Digital Comics

2) Not that I know of. Given the opportunity, however, I’m sure they would love to deliver their big reveal. All they need is the green light from MGM.

Kathode writes: “Have you done a carrot ice cream?”

Answer: Not yet. Great idea though.

cwilmanbunge writes: “Not that this isn’t cool, but is there at least a graphic novel for what the Atlantis movie would have been about, and SGU as well?”

Answer: In my upcoming visit with MGM, I’ll make it a point to ask them about the script for the Atlantis movie.

SISI writes: “Did you ever read Ready Player One?”

Answer: No but it is on my pick-up list.

Lewis writes: “Do any of them prefer any of the superhero flicks that Cookie has been watching?”

Answer: So far, no. I have high hopes for Dark Man.

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April 13, 2012

Video: Pugs

Photos: Lulu, Akemi, Bubba


My dogs have a way of laying on the guilt trip. Whenever I put on my jacket to go out, my thirteen year old pug, Jelly, transforms from an arthritic perennial lounger to a pup at heart, hopping up and bounding about, tail wagging, barking. It’s her way of saying: “Finally! We’re going out! Allow me to lead the way!” And then parks herself in front of the door, waiting. If it isn’t immediately opened for her, she’ll glance back at me and bark, clearly annoyed. ”Come on! What’s keeeping you?!”. There are times when I feel compelled to explain to her that every time I put on my jacket doesn’t necessarily mean I plan to take her for a walk. My other pug, Bubba, uses a more impassioned version of the same approach. He’ll spin and howl, happily jump and down. In contrast to Jelly’s more matter-of-fact “Yeah, we’re going out – as expected” attitude, Bubba opts for outrageous appreciation. “Oh, thankyouthankyouthankyou!”he’s no doubt saying. ”You’re the greatest. Thank you so much for this walk.” And then adopts a quizzical head cocked, brow furrowed look when I shut the closet door without retrieving his leash. ”Huh? Oh, I’m sorry. I mistook you for someone who cares.” And, finally, there’s my french bulldog Lulu who prefers the more subtle approach. She’ll just park herself in front of the big window and stare longingly out at the street. ”Yes, sirree,”her little tableau seems to say. ”Sure would be nice to go out for a walk. Yep. That’d be mighty nice.”

In addition to taking them out to the backyard, we make it a point to walk all three dogs every day – weather permitting. And, if the weather is especially nice – like it was yesterday – one dog will be treated to a special excursion. Yesterday, it was Bubba’s turn to go out and about. We took him downtown so he could ham it up for passersby, then over to Granville Island where he showed some seagulls who was boss.

When we got home, he was so excited he actually took on the usually dominant Lulu, leaving her totally bewildered.

And, to reveal the big mystery in yesterday’s blog – that picture Akemi drew besides Bubba’s name was not his rear end (as I assumed), but his tooth. It was a reminder that Bubba had to go in for his dental today. They removed two teeth and sent him home – groggy but as hungry as ever. Below, my post-op boy -

While Bubba was at the vet’s and the ladies were home missing him, I was on a conference call with my writing partner and agents. Over the course of our conversation, we discussed the game plan: Dark Matter, the pilot, the horror script, in addition to a number of opportunities. Paul and I have decided to pull the trigger on one, a near-future mini-series that we begin spinning next week, and have more in depth discussions about a fantasy pilot that, should all go as planned, will go to series here in Vancouver. But, of course, this being show business, nothing ever goes as planned.

Speaking of plans, I hear that some of you are coming to town for a Renaissance Fair or Farscape covention (or something). Will I be running into any familiar faces downtown? If so, be sure to come armed with dog treats!

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April 14, 2012

Photo: Joe Mallozzi


Help me out here. I’m about to embark on a bunch of home repairs and – well, where to start? Seriously. Where to start? I’m the last person who should be doing home repairs. I mean, I wouldn’t know the difference between a Philips Screw and, well, the other ones. On the rare visits to Home Depot, I’m about as comfortable as a vampire in a church. When it comes to being a handyman, I can only be trusted as far as changing the light bulbs – and even then only under very strict supervision. My ex was in town the other week and I was listing the things that needed to get done around the house: replacing the light fixture in the upstairs bathroom, flushing the water heater, replacing the blinds. ”You’re also going to want to recaulk this,”she said, pointing to the area around the downstairs sink. ”Un… huh….yeah….”I said, perhaps not too convincingly because she immediately added: “I did it. You can do it.” But she didn’t sound all that confident.

Sure, I suppose I can caulk with the best of them, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was true: I really can’t be trusted with home repairs. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be trusted to hie someone to do home repairs on my behalf. So, okay, I hire an electrician to replace the light fixture and engage the services of a crack water heater flusher to flush the water heater, but who the hell do I hire to replace the chipped plastic runner at the bottom of the front door? A front door plastic runner specialist? And what do I do about replacing the blinds? Do door to door blind salesmen actually exist or are they just the stuff of jokes like alcoholic gorillas, heavyset mothers, and the close-knit friendships between rabbis, priests, and leprechauns? Do I really have to feign interest while the guy who just fixed my central vac runs me through my motor issues? Isn’t there someone I can hire to do that? In other words, someone I can hire to hire someone to do the job?

I’m sure there is and I’m sure I can. I just don’t know where to find them. What should I be googling? Home Fixer Grand Master? Overseer of Home Repairs? Maintenance Elves Inc.?

You could really help me out by suggesting someone. Or better yet, swinging by and replacing that front door runner.

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April 15, 2012

Photos: Akemi, pugs, comics, Get Smart


It looks like the mini-series gig is a go. First thing tomorrow morning, Paul and I will have a conference call with the studio execs to discuss the concept after which we’ll get started on the outline for “big event” story. We’ll hammer those out, get the approvals, move onto the script and then it’ll be smooooooooth sailing. Also on deck this week: a rewrite of my horror script, my annual physical (I’ve already started my daily oatmeal breakfasts), taxes, a Dark Matter follow-up, and a little something we like to call “Akemi’s birthday”.

In addition to those work-related projects, I’m also planning to pull the trigger on a few other recreational projects as well. A couple of weeks ago, I was going through the endless boxes in the crawlspace and came across my enormous comic collection. Wow. I didn’t realize (or simply forget) how far back those individual title runs reach. The original Avengers (vol. 1) from issue #8 to around #217 (minus #75), Giant Size X-Men #1 (the intro of the new team) to #300 (or so), the entire run of the Thunderbolts (minus an issue here or there). I’ve set out to fill the missing slots, either with single back issues or trade paperback/hardcover collections. Once they’re complete, I’m going to dedicate a month to a different trip down memory lane with an uninterrupted reading of each title. In addition to a few other similar projects.

PROJECT THUNDERBOLTS

Reading run: From #1 to the latest issue (around #175).

One of about a half dozen properties to influence Dark Matter, but the only one from the comic book realm, I remember loving this series about a most unlikely and reluctant group of anti-heroes.

PROJECT AVENGERS

Reading run: #1 to – oh, I don’t know. Around #200. My interest fizzled soon after the Korvac Saga ended.

Roxxon Oil, the Serpent Crown, Count Nefaria, Agent Gyrich – boy, this really takes me back. My first and favorite title.

PROJECT SPIDERMAN

Reading run: #1 to – I don’t know. Sometime before the proliferation of the other Spider titles and their frustrating crossovers.

I wasn’t a huge Spiderman fan growing up but my friends were and certain seminal stories – the death of Gwen Stacy, the introduction of the Punisher, Hammerhead crashing Aunt May and Doc Ock’s island wedding – were must-reads back in the day.

PROJECT DAREDEVIL

Reading run: #1 to now.

This is one title I came late to but loved the various runs I’ve read: Bendis, Brubaker, and now, Waid. Finding those missing issues could be a problem though.

PROJECT FANTASTIC FOUR

Reading run: #1 to – hmmm. Not sure. This one will be dictated by what back issues are available – and the book’s ability to retain my interest.

To be honest, I was more of a Ben Grimm – which is why I actually collected Marvel-Two-in-One featuring The Thing rather than the Fantastic Four. But this is Marvel history so, I figure, must-reading.

PROJECT UNCANNY X-MEN

Reading run: From when I started reading way back when, Giant Size X-Men #1 to – again, I’m not sure. I lose interest when Storm starting sporting that mohawk so probably somewhere around there.

PROJECT ASTERIX AND OBELIX

Reading run: All 34 books in the series in the original French.

My high school French teacher introduced us to adventures of Asterix and Obelix. I’ve re-read the first couple of books but need to fill some holes in the collection before sitting down to the full run.

PROJECT GET SMART

Watching run: The entire television series.

Of all the shows I watched growing up, Get Smart has held up the best to repeated viewings and the scrutiny of adult viewer me. Strange, silly, and still very funny.

Did I leave anything out? Yeah, probably. I didn’t include any DC titles although Justice League of America may eventually find its way onto this list. Batman seems like an obvious choice but I wouldn’t know where to begin. Alternate, the Batman television series could be a candidate as well. Seinfeld, The Flintstones, the Flash comic book series up until Mark Waid left – yep, them as well.

Hmmm. Looks like a busier-than-expected 2012. I may have to seriously reconsider taking on anymore writing work.

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April 16, 2012

Video: Captain America (1990) trailer

Photos: Darkman


In his most understated performance since role of Rob Roy in movie me can’t remember name of, Liam Neeson play part of brilliant doctor who invent sintetic skin (lucky ) but not having much success perfekting formula (unlucky ) but have beautiful girlfriend (lucky ) who about to blow whistle on her crooked boss (unlucky ) but it seem as tho her boss not mind (lucky ) except he tip off gangsterz who wreck Dr. Shindlerz lab and blow it up (unlucky ) but he survive (lucky ) but badly burnt (unlucky ) but superstrong (lucky ) but also crazy (unlucky ) but become superhero (lucky ) which make dis teknickally a movie monster have to review (unlucky ).

Movie start wit gangster, Mr. Durant, and his men who show up at warehouse to meet wit other ganster. Dey have gunz taken away and surrounded. But den – surprize! – one of Durantz men has machinegun hidden in wooden leg (lucky ). But dey surrounded by armed gansterz (unlucky ) who all terruble shots (lucky ).

Durant very scary guy. He collect fingerz just like Grover great grandfather use to collect ears of fraggles dat try to escape Fraggle Rock.

Meanwhile, Dr. Shindler working in lab. Make sweet love to girlfriend. He tell her he want to get married. Monster tink: Uh oh! In moviez, next to being two days away from retirement, nothing doom someone faster den getting married. In real life of course, it all alone in first place.

Girlfriend find incriminating paper linking her boss to organized crime (of course organized becuz dey keep everyting on file). What she going to do? Give a reporter anonimous tip? Deliver dokument to police? Nah. Go to her boss and tell him. Mebbe he has good explanashun.

She confront boss. He say don’t worry about it. And he right. She not have to worry. Only Dr. Shindler have to worry when gangsterz show up at his lab looking for dokument. He beaten up. Elektrokuted. Burnt in chemikal bath. Blown up in lab. And end up in bay where he drown – for good meazure.

But he survive (lucky but horrubly disfigured (unlucky ) and end up in burn unit (lucky where staff not really caring (unlucky ) but do experimental treatment dat sever nerve endingz so he feel no pain (lucky ) but proseedure drive him crazy (unlucky : ( ) but give him super strength (lucky : ) ). He eskape! Now look like homeless love child of Elefant Man and Phantom of de Opera.

He set up lab in abandoned faktory. Spy on his girlfriend who now dating boss. Den, start to take revenge on gangsterz. He capture Sam Raimi brother and stick him up out of manhole so 18 wheeler can play whack a mole wit him. He use his perfekted sintetic skin to disguize hisself as gangsterz. He talk to himself A LOT!

Finally, he use sintetic skin to disguise himself as…himself. Old himself and show up at cemetary. Surprize girlfriend. Den go for coffee. He want to tell her de truth but too scared.

Dey go to amuzement park. He win fluffy prize but carny tell him to get lost. Dr. Shindler go crazy and beat up carny in feel-good moment. Den run away. Girlfriend follow him back to hideout – dat conveniently located very close (unless dey edit out part where he take crosstown bus). He tell her to go away. She does. Den come back – with gangsterz who follow her!

Hideout blow up! Shooting! Helicopterz explode! Durant die! Or does he….?

Yep. He dead.

Disguized as Durant, he show up at construction site where…girlfriend boss has girlfriend (lucky : ) . But boss see thru disguize (unlucky : ( ).

Fight! Boss is terruble shot with nail gun. Misses and ends up hanging from girder. What our hero going to do? ”You wouldn’t,”say boss.

“Why de hell not?”me tink. He kill everyone else. What make you so speshul?

Turn out boss not so speshul after all.

Our hero leave girlfriend behind to return to de night as… Darkman!

Verdikt: Dis movie cheezier den Oscar de Grouch crosstrainerz.

Rating: 6 out of 10 chocolate chippee cookies.

Darkman movie over (lucky : ) ). Now monster have to watch Captain America (1990) for next week (unlucky : ( )

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April 17, 2012

Photos: Jelly, Buddy, Junior


This will apparently mark my 1999th consecutive blog entry. And, should everything go as planned, I’ll upload my 2000th entry tomorrow. The milestone will happen to coincide with another notable occasion: Akemi’s birthday. Akemi will celebrate by attending her English classes all afternoon. I’ll (hopefully) be finishing my final (for now) pass on my horror script and then switching gears to continue brainstorming that mini-series Paul and I are poised to write (provided we can close our deal). Looks like it’s going to be a busy May-June, but I’d still like to get away for a weekend – maybe Vegas, maybe San Fran. Of course, we have to sort out Akemi’s visa situation before we can travel. I expect we’ll hear word within the next couple of months after which it’ll be smoooooth sailing (or flying – direct to Vegas).

To those asking, I’ve yet to hear back from the Seattle Pug Rescue. As some of you may know, I filled out an application a couple of weeks ago and am looking at adopting these two needy old-timers:

They haven’t gotten back to me yet. I’ll give it another week, then follow up.

Not sure why (Or, rather, I’m not sure which of the reasons why. It’s probably all of them combined.) but I’ve been unusually cranky recently. So I’d like to take a moment to list some of the things that have been annoying me of late:

My tooth. I think I may have lost a filling.

FIFA. After years of resisting change, those fossils at FIFA have finally agreed to test and introduce a “new technology that uses missile-grade precision sensors or a magnetic field to assist the officials”. I’ve always wondered why professional sports couldn’t make use of tech, similar to that used by retailers, to ensure more games didn’t hinge on “some guy getting it right”. Whether it’s a ball or puck crossing a line or thief leaving store premises with a stolen item, there’s a way to know that doesn’t rely on a judgment call – or the need to go upstairs for a time-consuming review. FIFA, welcome to the 21st century: FIFA: Goal-line technology tests this month

The Monsanto Company. Oh, where to begin? Start here: “The world’s 10 most unethical companies | The Search Office Space Blog” Then here: The World according to Monsanto Then here: “Monsanto Sues Milk Producer For Advertising It Sells Hormone-Free Milk” And here: “The wasteland: how years of secret chemical dumping left a toxic legacy” And here: “Monsanto fined $1.5m for bribery”

Any Canadian-produced series on the Food Network with the exception of Eat Street, Chuck’s Day Off, and Dinner Party Wars.

Any book in the “recommended” section at your local bookstore. I’m sorry, Heather. You have terrible taste in novels.

The Boston Bruins

The Detroit Red Wings

People you’ve supported in the past who don’t return the favor.

Annual physicals.

Restaurants that put alfalfa sprouts on their burgers (Yes, Oakwood Bistro, I’m talking about you).

Understaffed restaurants whose wait staff present you with the bill before asking you whether you’d like to order dessert (Yes, Bel Cafe, I’m talking about you).

Home repairs.

The big dog across the street that barks every time my dogs step out the front door. The other day, she came charging across the street to confront my dogs sitting behind our front gate. His owner apologized. “She’s never done that before.” And probably won’t again if he has enough sense to put her on a leash.

Waiting.

Overly-enthusiastic salespeople who “LOVE YOU IN THIS” and “LOVE YOU IN THAT”! I remember going suit shopping with Paul back in our college days. ”This suit would look great on you!”one saleswoman assured Paul. ”I’m not wearing a pink suit,”he informed her. ”It’s not pink,”she corrected him, borderline offended. ”It’s salmon!” Oh. Okay then.

Superhero movies of the 70?s, 80?s, and 90?s.

*I reserve the right to expand on this list in the coming days.

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April 18, 2012

Photos: Joe Mallozzi, Stargate: SG-1, Stargate: Atlantis, Stargate: Universe, Akemi


This entry marks my 200th consecutive blog post. Yes, what began as a simple travel journal over four years ago has flourished into this unduly verbose everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-me-and-then-some collection of thoughts, essays, rants, and pictures of my dogs. And, over the course of those 4+ years, this blog has become a typical part of my daily routine, as customary as eating, showering, and getting annoyed with someone over some perceived slight.

So what’s the deal? How do I do it? What drives me to write a (debatably) semi-interesting post ever twenty-four hours or so? Well, there’s the fact that I make my living as a writer and this blog affords me the opportunity to hone my craft. And there’s the loyal readership I’ve built that has come to depend on my incoherent movie reviews, suspect food photography, and rants on the sheer impossibility of eating a mango. And there’s this blog’s ability to update friends and family on what I’ve been up to of late, obviating the need for me to pick up the phone and tell them myself – or be drawn into idle conversation. And, most important of all, it just helps to be somewhat obsessive-compulsive.

Coincidentally, this blog shares a birthday with Akemi. Tonight, we celebrate both in fine style with dinner, chocolate, and the latest episode of Survivor. Romantic, no? How are the rest of you celebrating?

So, looking back over these 2000th posts, is there one that stands out? This one - May 12, 2011: Stargate: Universe, Beyond Season 2! What Might Have Been!? This one - September 30, 2008: An AU Season 6!? This one - June 12, 2011: Bubba update! Ivon Bartok hits Banff! Woofstock! Pugs eating ice cream! Mailbag!? Or this one - December 26, 2006? Do tell.

Thanks to the gang at WordPress for offering up such a great venue, to all of you out there who have taken the time to read these endless entries, and, of course, my dogs who continue to be good sports about having their potentially embarrassing pictures posted here on this blog. Today’s 2000th blog entry is dedicated to blog regulars cherluvya and dasndanger, both of who have been going through a rough time of late.

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April 19, 2012

Photos: Chocolate, Akemi, dinner at Campagnola: Roma, blog regular gforce (Gary), Joe Mallozzi, dinner the Oakwood Bistro, Rob Cooper, homemade birthday card


A couple of months ago, I was reconsidering this whole blog thing. In truth, after 4+ years of daily blogging, I was thinking about calling it quits or, at the very least, scaling back. I was on the fence and so, elected to look ahead to my next milestone post – the big 2-0-0-0. I decided that once I reached 2000, I would sit back, take stock and choose: stop and call it a blog at an impressive 2000, or keep on going.

I thought about it. Considered. Reconsidered. And then, yesterday, a clearly disappointed Akemi asked: “You’re not going to write about my birthday dinner?”

3000, here I come!

Last night, before heading out to dinner, Akemi and I shared a little pre-dinner appetizer/birthday gift: chocolates from Beta 5, a new chocolate shop here in Vancouver. I think that Beta 5 deserves it’s own post so I’ll keep this brief: if you’re in town, go check them out. It’s worth the trip. They make a dark chocolate and cocoa nib bar that is nothing short of outstanding. It now rivals Amedei Chuao as my favorite bar.

For dinner, we headed over to Campagnola: Roma to visit Akemi’s fave chef, Jane Cornborough.

We’ll be seeing Chef Jane again very soon. She’s agreed to prepare a 5-course Akemi birthday meal at our place next week.

Today, I was downtown where I met up with blog regular, gforce, for a mini Vancouver culinary tour-de-force. We hit three food trucks and two macaron shops. Not bad for a rookie.

The secret is to keep moving, even when you’re eating. Burn off the calories as quickly as you consume, then start again from 0 at the next stop.

Thanks to Gary for coming out this afternoon. And an extra special thanks for suggesting the title for today’s blog entry.

Finally, tonight, we met up with Rob and his date (his daughter) for dinner at the Oakwood Bistro...

And tomorrow I go in for my annual physical. Talk about terrible timing. I can just imagine the results of the blood test: “I’m sorry, Mr. Mallozzi. I’m not sure sure how to tell you this but, according to these test results, you passed away three months ago.”

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April 20, 2012

Photo: Bubba


Cringeworthy moments. You know what I’m talking about, those singular instances in your life – sometimes painful, sometimes embarrassing, always impossible to forget – that, when recalled, incite the sort of response commonly reserved for that part in the horror movie when the bad guy/monster/ghost/possessed grandmother crosses the line from horrifying to Oh-my-God-I-can’t-believe-they-just-did-that! The mere recollection can cause you to wince, curl your toes or, in my case, force the thought from my head by humming an improvised tune. It’s one of those moments in life that sears itself into your subconscious, forever threatening to rise to mind unannounced like some leviathan from the deeps or the chorus to Britney Spears’ Womanizer.

There was that time in high school I dropped off a jacket at the dry cleaner’s. As I stepped through the front door, I was instantly smitten by the girl behind the counter. She was gorgeous. So gorgeous, in fact, that I was positively tongue-tied. She prompted me for my name, the number of items I’d be dropping off. With some effort, I was able to come up with answers to both questions – then even managed a little small talk. Pleased with myself for laying the groundwork for a future relationship, I said goodbye and headed out. I went to open the door. It wouldn’t budge. ”Excuse me,”I heard her say. I pulled harder. Still no go. ”Excuse me,”she repeated. The last thing I needed was instructions on proper door opening. I pulled even harder. Nope. Then realized. I pushed. Ah! ”Excuse me!” I could ignore her no longer. I glanced back, threw her a look as if to say: “Yeah, I got it. Thanks.” She pointed to the jacket I was still holding: “Uh, aren’t you going to leave that here?”. ”Oh. Oh, right.” Every time I think of that moment, I cringe.

Or there was the time in elementary school where my gym class was setting up a trampoline. As we were unfolding the apparatus to lock it into place, it sprang back and landed on my arm, snapping the bone in two places. The palm of my hand was flattened against my wrist. It was horrific. And, every time I think of THAT moment, I cringe.

And then there was today when I was out for a walk with Bubba. He did his business and I rewarded him with a treat. I went to pick up his poop on the lawn, then turned to pick up a forlorn nugget sitting on the sidewalk – which he, for some reason, assumed was a treat I’d mistakenly dropped. He moved lightning fast, snapping it up before I could reach it. It took a couple of seconds for the realization to dawn at which point he dropped it, foaming at the mouth, and threw me a look that, I have no doubt, said: “Please, for goddsake, give me a treat so I can get the damn taste out of my mouth!” Every time I think of THAT moment, I’ll cringe.

So, what about you? Any cringeworthy moments you’d care to share?

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April 21, 2012

Photos: Akemi, Vancouver Fan Expo


I was online yesterday, checking out the local weekend events, when I came across a report on Vancouver’s very first Fan Expo taking place this Saturday and Sunday at the downtown convention centre. While in Toronto, I attended their annual Fan Expo and had a pretty good time walking the floor and tracking down a couple of Randy Bowen supervillain statues to add to my collection (August 27, 2011: Wvrst! Geek Fest!), so I figured this might be a great opportunity to locate some missing single issues in advance of my big reading projects (April 15, 2012: Project Thunderbolts! And others!). ”Will we go to geek festival?”Akemi asked me this morning. ”Sure,”I said. Why not?

We drove down after lunch, parked, and then made our way on foot the three blocks down to the waterfront teeming with colorful characters.

We quickened our pace. We had a little under two hours of parking and a lot of ground to cover. There was no time to waste.

BEGIN VANCOUVER FAN EXPO REPORT:

We approached one of the guys manning the doors and asked him where we could purchase tickets. He informed us that the Expo was sold out that day. Sold out?! What the hell were they selling that could be “sold out”? Space? Really? They’d sold so many tickets they risked contravening local fire regulations by selling anymore? ”You’ll have to come back early tomorrow morning to make sure you get tickets,”he suggested.

Yes, I suppose I could do that. Or, rather than pay for the privilege of buying something, I could simply save the $40 and spend it at Comic Con in July.

END VANCOUVER FAN EXPO REPORT!

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April 22, 2012

Photos: Beta 5


Akemi and I paid a follow-up visit to Beta 5, a bold new addition to the Vancouver chocolate scene. Located in the out-of-the-way industrial area off Main Street (appropriately enough, on Industrial Avenue), the shop/factory offers up a variety of intriguing products, from bars to caramels, marmalade to caramelized Marcona almonds.

I picked up a chocolate selection for Akemi’s birthday and she was wowed by the expert thin shells. For my part, I was bowled over by their bars. The 63% dark + choconut granola and the 67% Dominican dark with cocoa nibs was particular stand-outs.

A little out of the way, but well worth the trip: BETA 5 (413 Industrial Avenue).

Almost finished the rewrite of the horror script. I’ll give it one more read-through tomorrow, then send it on its way – after which I have to switch gears and start thinking about this mini-series. We’re looking at 2 x 2 hours with a very tight delivery schedule. Paul’s worried but I figure that if we can get together and bang out an outline by early next week, we’ll be in pretty good shape. I mean, if i was able to write three SG-1 scripts in two weeks, I should be able to write the equivalent of four in eight. Well, maybe more like six.

Back on April 10th, I wrote a blog post about macarons and complained about people who referred to “macarons” as “macaroons”. I mentioned a recent episode of Top Chef Canada in which a competing chef won by making a macaron, which he referred to as a macaroon. Well, the other day, Curtis Luk, the competing chef in question (and a self-proclaimed food nerd according to his show bio), left a note in the comments section of that post in which he explained the circumstances of the macaron/macaroon perceived flub (check it out here: April 10, 2012: Getting my macaron fix! Full Preview Dark Matter #4!). And, for the record, he’s a fan of Stargate but not such a big fan of macaroons. According to Curtis: “Also for the record I hate macaroons and given the choice I wouldn’t make them, unless someone pointed a staff weapon at me.”

If you haven’t watched the 1990 version of Captain America yet, please do so before tomorrow when our Superhmovie of the Week Club reconvenes and guest film critic Cookie Monster weighs in with his review. From what I hear, it’s a doozy.

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April 23, 2012

Videos: Ren Snaps, The Rocketeer (1991) trailer

Photos: Captain America (1990)


From direktor of Kickboxer 4: De Aggressor and Nemesis III: Prey Harder and producer of Breakin’ 2: Elektrik Boogaloo and Super IV: Quest for Peace (uh oh) come Captain America, de greatest American hero since Superman. Oh, and de Greatest American Hero.

Movie start in pre-WWII Italy. Mussolini interrupt boy’s piano lesson. Boy forced to watch as family killed, den kidnapped, den experimented on. Terruble ting to happen. But still better den piano lesson.

He taken to sekret lab where Dr. Vasilivilivich turn him into superhuman monster dat look like a creepy red skull. So, dey call him...

Red Rupert!

Only somebody in Hitler entourage already called Rupert and dis lead to confusion, so dey call him Red Skull instead.

Red Skull become greatest Nazi villain in history! Even tho, for some reazon, he Italian in dis movie. But even tho he Italian, he not really sound Italian. Sort of Cuban but not quite. He sound….well, aktually, he sound like dis guy:

Anyway, Dr. Vasinovalich have second thoughtz and jump out window. Den run all de way to America where she defekt. With her help, America create its own supersoldier: Captain America (aka Steve Rogers)! Hurray! But den nazi spy ruin festive mood by killing Dr. Visinvichelli. Boo! Buzzkill!

Captain America have to stop nazis from launching rocket at White House. He sent behind enemy lines – wearing bright blue costume. Fortunately, he also given camouflage suit – dat he immediately take off after he parashoot down.

Of course, he captured – and strapped to rocket. Before he take off, he pull de olde “C’mere. I want to tell you someting” and Red Skull fall for it. Captain America grab him. So heroic! Red Skull panic! Quick! What de first ting you do if someone grab your hand and try to take you on a rocket ride? Dat right! You cut off YOUR OWN hand! Hmmmm. And dis guy suppose to be Nazi genius?

Rocket fly all de way to America but, just in nick of time, Captain America kick it off course and it land in Alaska instead. Luckily Germans only had de one rocket. Young boy takes pickture of rocket flying by and shows it to friend. Boy grows up to be prezident. Friend grows up to be newspaper reporter. Captain Amerika not grow up – just stay frozen in ice until...

Diskovered! He break out of ice and run away! It make de newz!

New-look Red Skull send bunch of bad guyz to track him down. Not be outdone, prezident sends…his friend de reporter.

Captain America walk to Canada and – what a considents! – get picked up by reporter driving by. But Cap not trust him and so, pull de olde: “Let’s get out of de car so I can run back in and drive away”. So heroic!

Captain Amerika walk around Santa Monica. Some kidz from Twisted Sister video ask him for change. He scared by sight of woman in thong and run away. So heroic!

Cap go to find his old love. And she is. Really old. But perfekt skin. He tell her “Oh, well. Not meant to be.” (subtekst: Your daughter, Sharon, be veeeery hot! She seeing anyone?”).

Red Skull’s daughter show up and kill reporter and old love. Cap angry. He team up with Sharon. Dey locate Dr. Villisenovich diary and find out true identity of Red Skull! Captain America fight bad guyz and throw unarmed man down elevator shaft. So heroic!

Oh, and U.S. Prezident kidnapped by Red Skull!

Travel to Rome. Captain American pull de olde: “Hey, Sharon, get out of de car so I can drive away!”. So heroic! But Sharon catch up with him. Cap ask Italian woman: “You speak English?” She shake her head no. So he start speaking to her in English anyway. Until Sharon start to speak Italian. ”Oh, you looking for crazy villain hideout? Go down street, five blocks, den turn right. It ominous castle on your left. You can’t miss it!”

Sharon captured (becuz she girl and saving Prezident not good enough for our hero). But Prezident escape. Nobody notice until dey unlock door and walk right inside cell – even tho dey can see it empty from de outside. Prezident chased onto roof. Red Skull planning to mind control him so he commit suicide by jumping. BUT -

He caught and saved by Captain America who just happen to be climbing up dat side of fortress at dat exakt moment. What perfekt timing! Perfektly lame timing!

Cap and Prezident team up! Sharon fight Red Skull’s daughter! Red Skull have bomb! But Captain Amerika have tape recording of Red Skull childhood piano lesson. Bring back bad memories for Red Skull. Cap throw shield, knock Red Skull into water, and dekapitate Red Skull daughter. So heroic!

Dis movie brought to you by de Environmental Protection Act of 1990.

Verdikt: Dis movie so lame, monster aktually feel sorry for people who made it.

Rating: 1 chocolate chippee pity cookie and one snickerdoodle loaded wit red, white and blue M&M’s.

Pleaze diskuss.

Next week: