if you're a regular smallville viewer..you will propably find this funny.
Somebody save me, there's a new Smallville By C. A. BRIDGES
This week on Smallville, a mysterious stranger threatens Clark's secret. Again.
FADE IN: Clark Kent and Chloe Sullivan at Smallville High.
CLARK: You think the new journalism teacher will be an evil meteor-rock-infested villain?
CHLOE: I hope so, I've gotten used to running the school newspaper without any sort of supervision whatsoever. Hey, shouldn't we have graduated by now?
CLARK: We're making up time missed for student funerals. Wow, what's that smell?
SCHOTT: Hi, I'm Mr. Schott, your new meteor-rock-infested teacher. And look, I'm being played by Marc McClure, the guy that played Jimmy Olsen in the Superman movies! It's our cute way of lending legitimacy to this show by reminding fans of other, better versions.
CLARK: And you smell like peppermint! That must be this week's new superpower that I've never had before but will ultimately prove essential to this episode. Supersmell!
CHLOE: What?
CLARK: Nothing.
Mr. Schott glares at them with red, glowing eyes as they leave.
FADE IN: KENT FARM. Jonathan Kent is stacking hay on the kitchen table.
JONATHAN: Martha, you think that Jor-El, the creepy disembodied voice of Clark's natural Kryptonian father who's dead but seems to have more impact on our daily lives than our mailman has something new in mind for our boy?
MARTHA: Sorry, what? I was watching "Lost."
Lana Lang bursts in, breathless but perfectly coiffed.
LANA: The new teacher is tearing up the town!
JONATHAN: I'm on it! I'm furrowing my brow and readying a fatherly platitude.
MARTHA: I'm looking worried and distraught. Clark's with Lex, I think they're friends this week.
CUT TO: LUTHOR MANOR.
LEX: Clark, what are you going to do when I'm a villain and you're a superhero? I mean, I've seen you without glasses for four years, I don't think the red and blue jammies are going to be much of a disguise.
CLARK: What?
Lana bursts in, breathless and very nearly disheveled. But not really.
LANA: The new teacher's attacking! I would have called but it seemed to make more sense to just run over here.
CLARK: Um, I need to go get my teeth, ah, rotated.
There is a whooshing sound. Clark is gone.
LEX: I hope he's gone evil again, everyone on this show is much more interesting when they're evil. You certainly were.
LANA: Did you know people can just walk in here? Do you even lock your doors?
CUT TO: THE ONLY STREET IN SMALLVILLE. The new teacher is carefully lobbing cars into shop windows. Clark superspeeds into view.
SCHOTT: Aha, the hero arrives!
CLARK: What?
SCHOTT: Come on, Clark, only your closest friends don't know about your powers, all the guest stars find out before the theme song. Now, die!
Schott punches Clark, who flies 30 feet into a pile of boxes. Clark kicks Schott 30 feet into a pile of mulch. Schott hurls Clark 30 feet into the front of the Talon. Clark is dazed, but he smells peppermint during a disgusting slow-motion CGI nasal sequence and lashes out, knocking Schott 30 feet into a gas truck, which explodes because, you know, they do.
Chloe arrives just in time to see Schott stagger out of the flames, holding a melted mask to his face.
CHLOE: Gasp! You're not Marc McClure! You're Dean Cain, from "Lois & Clark!"
SCHOTT: That's right. You people were screwing up 66 years of Superman history so badly that my show would have been written out of continuity if I hadn't stepped in. Egyptian relics? Indian caves? Prophecies? Every freaking person in the world knowing Clark's secret? Lois meeting him five years too soon? Clark's powers getting handed around like a T-shirt? Bah! Lionel Luthor hired me to get the Superman mythos back on course, and I'll be back! You'll see!
Lana runs up and shoulder-checks Chloe into the fire before carefully not embracing Clark.
LANA: Clark, I know you have secrets, and I hate it so much I get stomach cramps, but I still want to be friends even though the sexual tension between us is thick enough to hold a spoon. Say, how'd you get here so fast, anyway?
Clark glances away and down, which is how even people watching from neighboring states know he's About to Lie.
CLARK: Gee, Lana, you must have had one of your many blackouts while I was walking over here in a totally normal fashion. Let's just stand here and stare at each other helplessly while the WB plays a reasonably priced pop single, OK?
FADE OUT.
Next week on Smallville, a mysterious stranger threatens Clark's secret. Again.
Somebody save me, there's a new Smallville By C. A. BRIDGES
This week on Smallville, a mysterious stranger threatens Clark's secret. Again.
FADE IN: Clark Kent and Chloe Sullivan at Smallville High.
CLARK: You think the new journalism teacher will be an evil meteor-rock-infested villain?
CHLOE: I hope so, I've gotten used to running the school newspaper without any sort of supervision whatsoever. Hey, shouldn't we have graduated by now?
CLARK: We're making up time missed for student funerals. Wow, what's that smell?
SCHOTT: Hi, I'm Mr. Schott, your new meteor-rock-infested teacher. And look, I'm being played by Marc McClure, the guy that played Jimmy Olsen in the Superman movies! It's our cute way of lending legitimacy to this show by reminding fans of other, better versions.
CLARK: And you smell like peppermint! That must be this week's new superpower that I've never had before but will ultimately prove essential to this episode. Supersmell!
CHLOE: What?
CLARK: Nothing.
Mr. Schott glares at them with red, glowing eyes as they leave.
FADE IN: KENT FARM. Jonathan Kent is stacking hay on the kitchen table.
JONATHAN: Martha, you think that Jor-El, the creepy disembodied voice of Clark's natural Kryptonian father who's dead but seems to have more impact on our daily lives than our mailman has something new in mind for our boy?
MARTHA: Sorry, what? I was watching "Lost."
Lana Lang bursts in, breathless but perfectly coiffed.
LANA: The new teacher is tearing up the town!
JONATHAN: I'm on it! I'm furrowing my brow and readying a fatherly platitude.
MARTHA: I'm looking worried and distraught. Clark's with Lex, I think they're friends this week.
CUT TO: LUTHOR MANOR.
LEX: Clark, what are you going to do when I'm a villain and you're a superhero? I mean, I've seen you without glasses for four years, I don't think the red and blue jammies are going to be much of a disguise.
CLARK: What?
Lana bursts in, breathless and very nearly disheveled. But not really.
LANA: The new teacher's attacking! I would have called but it seemed to make more sense to just run over here.
CLARK: Um, I need to go get my teeth, ah, rotated.
There is a whooshing sound. Clark is gone.
LEX: I hope he's gone evil again, everyone on this show is much more interesting when they're evil. You certainly were.
LANA: Did you know people can just walk in here? Do you even lock your doors?
CUT TO: THE ONLY STREET IN SMALLVILLE. The new teacher is carefully lobbing cars into shop windows. Clark superspeeds into view.
SCHOTT: Aha, the hero arrives!
CLARK: What?
SCHOTT: Come on, Clark, only your closest friends don't know about your powers, all the guest stars find out before the theme song. Now, die!
Schott punches Clark, who flies 30 feet into a pile of boxes. Clark kicks Schott 30 feet into a pile of mulch. Schott hurls Clark 30 feet into the front of the Talon. Clark is dazed, but he smells peppermint during a disgusting slow-motion CGI nasal sequence and lashes out, knocking Schott 30 feet into a gas truck, which explodes because, you know, they do.
Chloe arrives just in time to see Schott stagger out of the flames, holding a melted mask to his face.
CHLOE: Gasp! You're not Marc McClure! You're Dean Cain, from "Lois & Clark!"
SCHOTT: That's right. You people were screwing up 66 years of Superman history so badly that my show would have been written out of continuity if I hadn't stepped in. Egyptian relics? Indian caves? Prophecies? Every freaking person in the world knowing Clark's secret? Lois meeting him five years too soon? Clark's powers getting handed around like a T-shirt? Bah! Lionel Luthor hired me to get the Superman mythos back on course, and I'll be back! You'll see!
Lana runs up and shoulder-checks Chloe into the fire before carefully not embracing Clark.
LANA: Clark, I know you have secrets, and I hate it so much I get stomach cramps, but I still want to be friends even though the sexual tension between us is thick enough to hold a spoon. Say, how'd you get here so fast, anyway?
Clark glances away and down, which is how even people watching from neighboring states know he's About to Lie.
CLARK: Gee, Lana, you must have had one of your many blackouts while I was walking over here in a totally normal fashion. Let's just stand here and stare at each other helplessly while the WB plays a reasonably priced pop single, OK?
FADE OUT.
Next week on Smallville, a mysterious stranger threatens Clark's secret. Again.
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