stargate jokes

[beka_chick]

anybody got any good quotes or jokes?

[escyos]

how many goaulds does it take to screw in a light bulb?

only one...in a host


(its the best i got)

[SoulReaver]

so a serpent guard, a Horus guard & a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet...

[CaramelMonkey]

Stolen off http://www.tokra.dk/jokes.html

Q: What did the Tok'ra healer say to the Tau'ri patient who came in with a broken arm?
A: Please open your mouth.

Q: What did the Tok'ra healer say to the Tau'ri patient who had broken a leg?
A: Please open your mouth.

Q:How many Jaffa does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A:Knowledge of Goa'uld magic is strictly forbidden.

Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but we Tok'ra have no use for your primitive, Tau'ri technology

Q:Why did the wraith stop sucking the life out of the clown?
A:He tasted funny.

Q:How many Asgard does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:All Asgard ships are currently unavailable, assisting in the effort to change the fuse.

Q:How many Aschen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:Two. One to replace the lightbulb with this fabulous new chandelier and the other to disconnect the house from the power grid.

Q:What did the Aschen say after dialing the black hole.
A:Well this sucks.


(Scene: Alpha site Three Tokra are huddled together, giggling)
-Korra: What did klorel say, the first time he stuck his head out the Jaffa's pouch in the shower, and looked south?
-Delek: What?
(A group of Jaffa including K'Mel is comming around the corner)
-Korra: Hey you! Only one symbiote per jaffa! Get lost!
(The Tokra laugh out loud as the jaffa come around the corner, with shocked expressions on their faces)
-KMel: Onak Tokra! Kree!
(The jaffa charge the Tokra and a huge fight erupts)

Q: Why did the Jaffa cross the road?
A: 'cos Apophis* said so

*(or any other system lord he serves)

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Yu!
Yu who?
Yooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo!

A Tok'ra and a Jaffa were out playing golf. The Tok'ra was particularly bad and he kept
saying 'Damn! Missed!' every time he missed a hole. The Jaffa told him in a scared voice,
"You must not utter those words for Apophis will strike you down!"
They continued playing and the Tok'ra missed again and the Jaffa repeated his warning.
Afterwards, when the Tok'ra missed again, he repeated his curse. Suddenly before the Jaffa
could say anything, Apophis' ship appeared and blasted the Jaffa, and a loud voice said:
"Damn, missed!"

Q: Why did Bra'tac have to clear weeds?
A: 'Cos he couldn't get the staff (weapon)

Sokar: SURRENDER NOW AND TURN OVER YOUR TERRITORY AND SLAVES TO ME, AND YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO LIVE SERVING ME.
Apophis: (not using Goa'uld voice) Apophis is not available at the moment. Would you like me to take a message?

Q: How many Goa'uld does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he will order his lo'tar to do it for him.

Q: How many Goa'uld does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two: one to order the Jaffa to change it for them and another to execute the Jaffa after the job's done.

Q: How many Asgards does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three: one to beam it out of the socket, another to clone the old bulb, and the third to beam the new copy into place.

Q: How many Nox does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. They only made it appear to be burnt out.

Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None. They ARE the lightbulb.

Q: How many Ancients does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: None: no respectable Ancient would interfere in the affairs of mortals.

Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 2: One to change the lightbulb and one to ask what's so funny!

Q: How many Tok'ra does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Only one, but we Tok'ra have no use for your primitive, Tau'ri technology

Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: True Jaffa Warriors are not afraid of the dark - besides we prefer this trustworthy fire.

Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Eight: Five to worship it as a god, since it obviously has magical powers. One to point out that it is a false god. One to agree but do nothing, and one to against tradition and actually change the lightbulb.

Q: How many Jaffa does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: Two: one to change it, and one to kill him and take the credit.

Q: How many Jaffa does it take to replace a lightbulb?
A: Knowledge of Goa'uld magic is strictly forbidden.

Q: How many Replicators does it take to change a light bulb ?
A: 1,234,557...eh...1,234,558...uhm, 559...

Sheppard: So, when are you going to get around to changing the lightbulbs around here on Atlantis?
McKay: I'm an important man, Major. Can't you see I'm busy???
Shep: I can't see anything, Rodney...it's dark!

Q: How many Jack's does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 2, one to laugh at the dirtiness of the joke, one to screw it in

Weir: Rodney, can you change the light bulb please?
Rodney: I would but I cant see a thing!

Q: How many jaffa does it take to turn off a light?
A: 51, fifty to shoot at it whilst the other one finds the light switch.

Q: Why did the chicken enter the Stargate?
A: Because any worm that can make a wormhole that size HAS to be worth the risk

[Badhron]

so a serpent guard, a Horus guard & a Setesh guard meet on a neutral planet...

I thought of that right after reading the thread title.