Stargate: Unity - Teaser

[zyos]

Hi guys, as per my thread entitled Fanfiction Premise, I have started writing out the story as I intended and have for you a small excerpt to tease you with, just to get opinions as well upon how I have written the piece, if you think the alterans are speaking as they should, any mistakes you notice etc.

You help would be appreciated as I am new to writing fan fiction

Thanks

Stargate: Unity Episode #1 - TEASER

Spoiler:

INT-CORRIDOR, UPPER DECKS - UNITY

Footsteps permeate the corridor as a man travels it's length briskly before reaching a door, the man waves his hand across a small sensor adjacent to the door which responds by releasing a sound to punctuate it's activation before sliding open.

Upon entering the room various technologies came to life including lighting which eluminated the chamber, as the man came to a stop at the center of the room another device powered itself beneath the mans feet revealing itself with a circular blue tint. The man looked down as he cast his attention to his left wrist where a device was strapped, raising his right hand to the device it projected a holographic panel in parallel above it.

Once the man had configured the controls of the device several smaller circular panels activated in an arc pattern one by one, as each one activated the holographic representation of several individuals appeared above them. As the man lowered his hands the holographic panel dissapated, the mans attention now focussed on the individuals now present before him.

ALTERAN MAN
Greetings council members

COUNCIL WOMAN
Greetings Commander Thorin - Have you reached a decision

COMMANDER THORIN
Indeed

COUNCIL WOMAN TWO
Will you stand with us?

COMMANDER THORIN
(beat)
We will not go to war against those that wish to remain of free mind and spirit, that which we have devoted our very nature to and share in common with our brothers and sisters of the Ori.

COUNCIL WOMAN
(blunt)
These 'brothers and sisters' you speak of are moving to destroy in us that which you value in them with forced indoctrination

COMMANDER THORIN
To oppose them would be to deny them right of will, in this endeavour we would be equals

COUNCIL MAN
(curious)
You posit that to resist is an affront to their freedom of mind and is no better than what they force upon us

COMMANDER THORIN
Indeed

COUNCIL WOMAN 2
(beat)
Whilst your logic is of sound mind Thorin, as a civilisation we cannot continue down the path we are now forced upon. The Ori's patience lessens just as their aggressiveness
heightens

COUNCIL MAN
(elaborating)
They grow bold with their attacks on the outer colonies and in absorbing their resources have now amassed a fleet of vessels imbued with an aggression beyond our ability to defend

COMMANDER THORIN
We are in agreement

COUNCIL WOMAN
How then do you intend to defend your colony?

COMMANDER THORIN
We do not intend to defend ourselves, for we will not have reason to

Thorin once again activated his wrist device and after a few moments had called a holographic image above his head, forming a three dimensional representation of the colony vessel Unity.

COMMANDER THORIN (CONT'D)
We will begin again, far from the prejudices that have divided us for so long

COUNCIL WOMAN
By this action you are forcing our hand, you contradict yourself Thorin

COMMANDER THORIN
By this action we endure, do not speak to me of contradiction when you possess technology designed to alter ones beliefs, the arrogance displayed in such a creation is incomprehensible!
(beat)
Your destiny now rests solely in your own hands!

With that Thorin terminated the link using his wrist device and turned to exit the chamber, as he did so he activated the internal communications of the wrist device and spoke with finality as he left.

COMMANDER THORIN
It is time

[Rasunda]

So this is how the ancient left the ori galaxy.
Seems good!

[zyos]

So this is how the ancient left the ori galaxy.
Seems good!

These ancients are not the Lanteans, the Lanteans were exploring the edges of the galaxy when the attacks began, and left before the Ori could reach them. Those ancients are the ones that went to the Milky Way or Avalon.

The ancients I am describing in the story are going elsewhere, but, there is a possible tie in later in the story to bring in the original characters, but I'm not going to bring that in for a while, until at least all the main characters are settled and mostly exposed, I'm only going to use that if I run out of ideas temporaringly lol, of which I have plenty at the moment.

EDIT: In reading my own excerpt again I noticed I have gone from current to past and then back to current tense with the word released, I'll edit that, sorry for the sloppyness lol

[Dragon_Heart]

Seems very believable to me, if you ever need help writing im more than willing.
It is a very un-explored area of the Ancients past (what part is well researched anyway?) and i would love to see how this plays out.

Keep it up.

[Rasunda]

Ok.
And keep it up!

[zyos]

Seems very believable to me, if you ever need help writing im more than willing.
It is a very un-explored area of the Ancients past (what part is well researched anyway?) and i would love to see how this plays out.

Keep it up.

I would appreciate the help at a later stage if this kicks off and I get more than 2 fans lol. If anything I need a beta reader!

For now I shall continue to write and find my writing style, and then after first ep is finished I might need the extra help hehe.

Thanks

[Rasunda]

Ok!
Just let it be good!

[zyos]

Ok!
Just let it be good!

I'm a perfectionist, I don't release anything thats short of perfection in my eyes, unless I miss the mistakes, which is what I will use a beta reader for lol.

[bradly08]

Congrats you have just got your 3rd fan
Looks good cant wait for the rest!!

[zyos]

Thanks!

After exposing you to a few new characters you will see our new ancient friends enacting a cunning plan to escape a full blown Ori attack on their planet.

[EvilSpaceAlien]

Keep up the good work!

[Rasunda]

So the episode will be out...?

[zyos]

The episode has at least a couple of weeks until final draft, there is a lot I want to do to setup the rest of the series so it might be 2 parter length and the rest of the episodes half of that. I have a pretty dangerous enemy lined up to start with but the real enemy is being kept secret for a while hehe.

[Rasunda]

Okay.....

[zyos]

Just an update, have pretty much concluded episode one, just need to tweak it, so I may simply release it, or I may wait until I've completed part two, just so I have some breathing room to finish episode three.

Not sure yet, what do you guys think?

I need to wait a couple of days though, it's too large to be posted in a thread here, it'll have to go up at fanfiction.net.