1st Place - "Oh my God we're all doomed. WHO'S FLYING THIS THING?!?! .... Oh... that would be me!" (50)
2nd Place - "Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!" (50)
3rd Place - "We will rule over all this land, and we will call it... 'This Land'. " (50)
4th Place - [i'm married to] a w-w-woman who could kill me with her p-pinkie... (50)
5th Place - "Yes, Jayne, she's a witch. She's had congress with the beast." (50)
6th Place - "Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh... now die!" (50)
7th Place - "Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?" (50)
8th Place - "I've been in a firefight. Well, I was in a fire. Actually, I was fired from a fry-cook opportunity." (50)
9th Place- "Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl. 'Cause I don't think that's ever getting old." (50)
10th Place - "Oh god, oh god we're all going to die?" [On the definition of interesting.] (50)
11th Place - (To Jayne) "How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious." (50)

- "You know, it's all very sweet. Stealing from the rich, selling to the poor." (23)
- "That sounds like something out of science fiction." (1)
- "Ah!!! Ahhhh!!! Mal! Dead army buddy's on the bridge!" (1)
- "Were I unwed I would take you in a manly fashion." (2)
- "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower, somewhat less attractive now she's all corpsified and gross..." (35)
- "Oh My God, it's grotesque! ... Oh, and there's something in a jar..." (0)
- "I'm a leaf on the wind. Watch how I soar." (0)
- "A man walks down the street in that hat, people know he's not afraid of anything." (About Jayne's hat.) (0)
- "We gotta go to the crappie town where I'm a hero." (0)
- "You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?" (0)
- "Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony..." (0)
- Kaylee: "Cap'n seem a little... funny to you at breakfast this morning?" Wash: "Come on, Kaylee. We all know I'm the funny one." (0)
- Jayne: "You wanna go, little man?" Wash: "Only if it's someplace with candlelight." (0)
- "I can always say I was flying the ship by accident." (1)
- "Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles." (0)
- "Have you seen what she wears? Forget about it. Have you ever been with a warrior woman?" (0)
- ''Can I mop your brow? I am at the ready with the fearsome brow-mop.'' (0)
- "Could we maybe vote on the whole killing people issue?" (1)