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Thread: Post a Joke.

  1. #1
    First Lieutenant plaw15's Avatar
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    Post Post a Joke.

    <mod snip>
    Last edited by Major Tyler; January 14th, 2006 at 06:53 AM. Reason: remove vulgarity

  2. #2
    Captain White Knight's Avatar
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    Earth Symbol Re: Post a Joke.

    The day before a major exam, a teacher was talking to her Yr. 12 class. "You have to be here," she said sternly. "The only excuse I might possible accept is a death in the family, but that's it!"
    One smart-ass kid puts his hand up and says "Miss, what if we're suffering from extreme sexual exaustion?" It took a minute or two for the class' laughter to die down, but eventually the teacher made her way to the student, who smirked and chuckled. She leaned close to his face, smiled and said;
    "Well then, I guess you'll just have to use your other hand."

  3. #3
    First Lieutenant helio9's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    A guy walks into a bar.


    "Ow!" he says.






    I'd like to apologize in advance for that one.
    The truth is out there. Getting there, well thats a whole different can of worms.

  4. #4
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

    The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

    The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

    The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

  5. #5
    First Lieutenant helio9's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Quote Originally Posted by jebus
    A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

    The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

    The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?" "What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?"

    The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
    Nice work. That gets some green.
    The truth is out there. Getting there, well thats a whole different can of worms.

  6. #6
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Quote Originally Posted by helio9
    Nice work. That gets some green.
    Well to be fair, I didn't come up with that, whenever I find funny joke like that I save it on my comp...

  7. #7
    First Lieutenant helio9's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Interesting. I can't honestly say I'm going to start doing that, because I'm far, far too lazy. But I'll find jokes and post them here for sure.
    The truth is out there. Getting there, well thats a whole different can of worms.

  8. #8
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists... two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

    The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

    She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks!",she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with themThe CIA had an opening for an assassin.

  9. #9
    Lieutenant Colonel The Signal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    A Horus guard, a serpent guard, and a setesh guard meet on a neutral planet...

    OK here is a real one

    Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

    The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

    "No," says the psychic. "Next week in her biology class."
    Equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.
    - Joss Whedon - Equality Now

  10. #10
    Captain Jeffer's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    i found this funny sorry if it offends any one its not racist but it is sexest




    When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

    When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

    When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

    I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
    Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together

  11. #11
    Lieutenant Colonel Anubis69's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    This loses a bit in words, but it's all i've got right now....

    IF quizzes are quizical...
    What are tests?



    Spoiler:
    Testing!!! What the hell were you thinking.....!?
    http://www.clintonio.com/sig-400.jpg
    The center of Khlysty surrounds me

  12. #12
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit
    the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.

    The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.

    "I bet," she offered. "As in horses?". "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."

    The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious--he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.

    When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his
    office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

    At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her
    lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.

    "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"

    She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."

  13. #13
    Major General Reefgirl's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    What's the difference between The Queen (I'm a Brit) and Bill Clinton






    You only have to go down on one knee to meet The Queen

  14. #14
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !" "Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!" "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

    "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?" "Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!" "Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

    "Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !" The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day." "Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

  15. #15
    Lieutenant Colonel The Signal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    A panda is standing trial for the crimes of walking into a cafe, ordering a bacon sandwich, turning a machine gun on every one inside, and walking out without paying.
    When the judge asks the Panda's lawyer why the Panda did it, the lawyer says, "well its in its definition isnt it?"
    Confused, the judge asks the lawyer what he means. The lawyer pulls out a dctionary and gives it to the judge. "Look up Panda" said the Lawyer, which the confused judge did.
    the judge turns to the "P's" and finds "Panda"
    "Now read the difinition" said the lawyer
    So the judge reads "Panda, noun. Black and white bear native to china."
    "Read on" said the lawyer
    So the judge looks at the next line."Eating habits, eats shoots and leaves"

    Equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.
    - Joss Whedon - Equality Now

  16. #16
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his

    buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

    Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as

    the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest

    ones at the back that are killed first.

    This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general

    speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of

    the weakest members.

    In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest

    brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But

    naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

    In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,

    making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

    That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

  17. #17
    Captain BigGator5's Avatar
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    Chevron Re: Post a Joke.

    Near the top of the Empiare State Building, there was a bar where two men have been drinking all day and trading stories.

    So the first drunk turns to the secound one and goes, "Hey! If you jump out that window- that window... By the time you reach the 3rd floor, the up-draft picks you up, carries you around the building, and sets you gently down."

    "I don't believe it!" cries the secound drunk.

    "Here, let me show you!"

    So the first drunk goes up to the window and jumps out. He falls and falls and by the time he gets to the 3rd floor, the up-draft slows him down, carries him around the building, and sets him gently on the ground.

    The first drunk goes into the building and heads back to the bar. When he gets there, the secound drunk is in shock.

    "Can't do that again!"

    "You're on!" Says the first drunk as he heads toward the window.

    Once more, the first drunk goes up to the same window and jumps out. He falls and falls and by the time he gets to the 3rd floor, the up-draft slows him down, carries him around the building, and sets him gently on the ground.

    The first drunk goes into the building and heads back to the bar. When he gets there, the secound drunk is waiting for the first drunk.

    "Here I go! Yells the secound drunk as he jumps out the very same window as the first drunk.

    The secound drunk falls and falls and- SPLAT!

    Back up in the bar, the first drunk is laughing and laughing. The bartender, who has been unhappily watching on, turns to the first drunk...

    "You know what," starts the bartender "You are an ***hole when you are drunk, you know that Superman?"

  18. #18
    Lieutenant Colonel The Signal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    lmao thats a good one BigGator5
    Equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.
    - Joss Whedon - Equality Now

  19. #19
    Major jebus's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"

  20. #20
    Lieutenant Colonel The Signal's Avatar
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    Default Re: Post a Joke.

    Two Nuns in a car are driving through Transilvania when a Vampire jumps out in front of them. Knowing Vampires hatred to religious symbols the First Nun says the second nun "Show him yer cross" so the second nun walks out of the car, up to the Vampire and goes "Get out the Way you toothy Git!"

    OK it sucks but wat are ya going to do...
    Equality is not a concept. It's not something we should be striving for. It's a necessity. Equality is like gravity. We need it to stand on this earth as men and women. And the misogyny that is in every culture is not a true part of the human condition. It is life out of balance, and that imbalance is sucking something out of the soul of every man and woman who is confronted with it.
    - Joss Whedon - Equality Now

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