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The Place You Call Home

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    The Place You Call Home

    (IF you do not want to read my life story, stop here and go back)



    "You may win or lose, but to be yourself is all that you can do"
    (Be Yourself by Audioslave)

    I am the middle child, and trust me when I say that it is the worse.

    My parents constantly argued and bickered back and forth, they were always on the verge of getting a divorce but they never did because of us three kids. My sister (oldest), me, and my younger brother.

    I was the loner in school, Elementary and Middle School I was made fun of constantly. Plus I was beginning to find out that I was in fact attracted to members of the same sex. I remember one night my mom asked me if I was gay and I got so upset because I couldn't believe that my mom thought that about me but deep down I knew it was true. So I lied. So that is how, from that point on, my brother and sister picked on me when I was growing up. Whenever they were mad at me they would call me gay and I would take it personally. I was taught at an early age that gay was bad, even though I knew that my parents or my mom at the least would accept me.

    Late middle school and early high school wasn't that bad, if you consider it to be okay to be someone who had 0 friends and stayed inside and played video games. But my situation at the time allowed me to find the determination to allow myself to not go down the wrong path. I saw and understood that my depression would soon lead to a tainted life, I was able to realize that I didn't need alcohol or drugs. Even from the beginning I have always had this internal feeling of what is right and what is wrong. And not only I have this, we all do, but a lot of people will do anything just to be accepted. I lied about my sexual preference to be accepted, but I never did anything against my own morals just to gain a friend.

    I was mature for my age, I made a best friend who is 6 years older than me, someone who was dependant and wasn't into what kids my age were doing.

    I was beginning to accept my sexuality, but it wasn't and still hasn't been enough to motivate me to tell my family. I am hoping that one day I will be able to.

    Junior year of high school was good, because I was more talkative, I was beginning to have confidence in myself. Shortly after though I discovered that I had cancer, but like for months before I could fell like a growth under my arm so I locked it up inside me and just prayed every night for it not to be cancer. I prayed and prayed. I would go to sleep wishing and the only time I wasn't worrying was when I was with my best friend. When I finally had it checked out I had to wait like a week before I got results. My dad came to me before my mom and told me that the doctors had thought it could be serious and they were going to double-check and get back with him.

    When I went to talk to the doctor my fears were given life, so to speak, I was told I had Hodgkin's Disease. And 2 things happened on that day, the first was the wall, the huge impenetrable wall that was consciously looming ahead suffocating me. I would try to think about my future and I would imagine it like a timeline running left to right but in the middle of mine was a huge wall, and I was getting closer to it.

    The second thing, which is coming soon.

    My life so far has been pretty sad, I had just begun to change gears towards a much happier and healthier direction and now this happens. But I didn't give up, my internal reaction was the same. I told the doctor on the spot that I was strong enough to overcome this, and that I believed in myself and I wasn't even scared anymore. It was as if this awful truth had reacted opposite of what it should. The doctor looked at me and told me this "reaction" was because I wasn't thinking clear and I was in shock. But that wasn't the case, I was going to give this looming wall a fight. And I told myself that if I did die, that I had to go out happy, and just that thought all on it's own allowed me to not let the things in the past bring me down. I was older and I couldn't let depression and loneliness decide my life.

    "You see the world in black and white
    No color or light
    You think you'll never get it right
    But you're wrong, you might

    The sky could fall, could fall on me
    The parting of the sea

    You see the world in black and white
    Not painted right
    You see no meaning to your life
    You should try
    You should try"

    (Low by Coldplay)


    I did make it through treatment, I consider myself very lucky, I can't compare myself to people with more serious cases of cancer. I did get a taste of what they went through, chemotherapy and radiation. The feeling bad after chemotherapy, the side effects.

    I missed half of my Junior year and I failed my classes because they didn't think my excuse for being gone was good enough, but I went on to my senior year and still passed high school. I worked my butt off the last year but I did pass.

    I am very happy now, I still hang out with my best friend(s), yeah I have more than one now.

    I came out to my closest two friends and they accepted me with open arms and I love them lots and I know that they will always be good friends. Friends that I can count on.

    My family: My parents still argue, my grandma now lives with us because she isn't doing so well. My brother is worse off now because of the type of friends he has. He doesn't even care, he treats people like crap, including girls (mostly girls). He never listens to our parents and disobeys them non-stop. He smokes, drinks, and does all that just so he can keep his friends. He was never like this before.

    My sister has moved out and is living with her boyfriend and they have their own child. (At first I had never been around babies but my neice grew on me, she's awesome, and I love her more than I ever thought I would.)

    What's next for me is college, 4 years of college. Cancer stifled me, I still don't even have a license and I've become lazy and dependant upon everyone around me. This house has become my protective little bubble, I realize that going to college is something I need to do. I already have a college planned out and I already have friends there that are expecting me. Who also know about my sexuality, I plan on actually being myself there.

    My main goals in life-

    - To publish my novels
    - To get an English and a Writing major
    - To star in a fan film
    - To direct and write a short/fan film
    - To see mountains for the first time!
    - To see the ocean for the first time!
    - To find someone to spend my life with
    - To actually come out completely with my family
    - To visit England
    - To go to my first concert
    - To ride in a plane

    "They will see us waving from such great heights
    'Come down now' they'll say
    But everything looks perfect from far away
    'Come down now' but we'll stay"
    (Such Great Heights by The Postal Service)


    ~~~~

    So, looking back you might ask yourself why I wrote this.
    You might ask yourself why you took the time to even read a quarter of it.
    I don't even know why I wrote it, I just did.
    And the only reason I read it all is because I can't write it and not read it at the same time.

    Believe it or not, there is a moral:

    Home isn't always the epitome of happiness and greatness, but it is the place where your life takes place. It might not literally be the same household or even with the same people, but it is the place where you have to discover who you are.

    ~Shi(Y)van


    (Forgive me for any typos)

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