Stargate Atlantis - Allies

[Stewart5]

I'll give the exploration a bit of a go. I have a little in the story already, further on, but I'll make more.

I have made my own world too. My own fiction.

Got a full story done, an dmaybe another on the go.

[jackclone1]

More writing G5 and PJ less talk, I'm missing my story fix.

[Aragon101]

More writing G5 and PJ less talk, I'm missing my story fix.

If you haven't yet, you could read "Occupational Hazard" it's a "missing" episode of SG1 in season 10 which i've been told was a very fun, action/adventure/humor blend

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5501502/...ational_Hazard

*Whistles innocently*

[puddlejumperOZ]

^^^Shamless pluging Sam? *stares hard at screen* "Nope it's not coming through here"

[Aragon101]

^^^Shamless pluging Sam? *stares hard at screen* "Nope it's not coming through here"

Hey! i am writing the sequel i'm at teh chapter where... *trails off*ori something something, jaffa, boom and asteroids, maybe some fission*cough*

[puddlejumperOZ]

Hey! i am writing the sequel i'm at teh chapter where... *trails off*ori something something, jaffa, boom and asteroids, maybe some fission*cough*

Well write then. And while you're at it. I think you should do Connolly and Hampton squaring off in the Ships gym amd then ending up in....

[SantaSlayer]

The story is pretty interesting with the addition of UK, Canadian characters as the main guys and I could picture an alternate episode like this if it happened.

[Aragon101]

The story is pretty interesting with the addition of UK, Canadian characters as the main guys and I could picture an alternate episode like this if it happened.

I quite like the multiculturalism too, i think it might get a little overemphasized from time to time, but it's an interesting take.

As far as alternate episode, i think there was going to be an episode in teh theoretical season 6 Atlantis that had a minor team dissapearing for a few weeks then coming back. IIRC, a brit was among them.

[jmoz]

First two chapters of arc 2.

It started off awesome. The scenes were condensed and it flowed nicely. Reminded me of Aragon's initial style in Universal Sin.

However, with the smaller scenes, the grammar got to be more noticeable. Gonna go grammar school on you for a small portion of it.

Spoiler:

Three hours later, the Fraiser and Lorcan are in orbit behind the Wraith planet's minor moon, they have rendezvoused with the Nightcrawler and Daedalus, and Will conducts a tactical conference with Caldwell, Stewart, Trang and Johansen. Captain Connolly is still in medlab, being looked after, she will recover, but probably not before the attack.Fraiser from Atlantis and taking over from Colonel Ngyuen in medlab, Tia was hard enough to deal with, getting personal released from sickbay, but Anne was ten times worse. She had grounded 22 from the Fraiser and 18 from Lorcan, people, especially the ground troops he sorely needed. "God, why do women have to be so picky over a few scratches." He mused.
Between the four ships though a sizeable air assault could be managed. The Daedalus having now 4 C 401's courtesy of Britannia, whom she met en route. So they now have 11 401's serviceable and 38 302's, not a lot, but maybe enough if Sam comes through with the promised Puddlejumpers. The Fraiser herself will be emptied of all fighters and Tornado's and those split between the other three, she will take on the heavy attack duties before the smaller craft make their run. Only time will tell now.

"Damn!" The Admiral cursed. "As he took the message from the medical orderly. And his wife wasn't overly helpful either, being transferred to

Will was about to dismiss everyone when a thought occurred to him.
"By the way people, where's the bloody Cuchulainn?"
"We intercepted a message from her on our way in Admiral, Commander Fisher said he had some business to attend to on MXY447." Stephen Caldwell replied.Cuchulainn, can make it look like a much bigger attack than it is, it's a good ploy, sir"Cuchulainn, immediately, or the captain will stand court martial."

"447? That's deep in the heart of Wraith territory isn't it?"

"Yes Sir." Stewart answered "And I think I know what he's doing sir."

"And that would be?"

"Trying to draw some of their forces away from here, the

"Yes it might be, some other bloody time, but not now. Damned Irish, if he so much as scratches that ship, he'll be an able seaman be his feet touches the deck." Will went to the passageway and grabbed the first rating to pass by.

"Lass, get a message to coms, recall the

The young girl almost quivered at MacGregor's anger and ran to the coms room in seconds, the message was relayed, and Fisher, none too pleased withdrew, leaving some very angry Wraith behind.

You have some missing text, along with grammar mistakes. That initial block text was hard to read. One thing that I've noticed that both you and PJ do is this:

"That's a lot of worlds, sir. " Lorne said carefully. "It'll take time." and
"As many as ten I think sir." Evan replied.

You're separating the action from the content. What I'm trying to say is you're writing the dialogue like this:

The ball. She threw.

She threw what? The ball obviously, they should be in the same sentence. Evan replied what? Nothing cause it's in a whole new sentence. You did it right for a few sentences but more often you didn't. The correct way should be:

"That's a lot of worlds, sir[comma] " Lorne said carefully. "It'll take time."
"As many as ten I think sir[comma]" Evan replied.

Anyways minor grievance to you probably, the grammar.

Seems like another battle setup for another detailed battle. I swear, I feel like they're going to burst out singing "We're men, manly men" from Men in Tights, parody of Robin Hood. You probably cringed at me saying that, that's how I'm cringing at all the battles. Now you know how I sorta feel reading it. But I'm one reader so it's all good. Put up new chapters but less block texts, do the initial style of chapter one. Brief and impactful.

[puddlejumperOZ]

That was my post Jmoz and I saw the errors. It was mostly between FF.net (if you read it there) and GW's last update that had screwed around with it. We have been trying to plug the holes to fix it.

[jmoz]

Ahh ok. It's ok, didn't really take much away from it. Found my thingie, had to use google search cause this site's search blows.

If you care to read, first half was mostly for the WTF moment, second half was a decent story.
http://forum.gateworld.net/threads/7...%29?p=11448488

[Stewart5]

The grammer thing has been spoken about, as for missing text, PJ and I spent an hour or two last night trying to fix bits that FF.net had buggered up during the upload...

[puddlejumperOZ]

Ahh ok. It's ok, didn't really take much away from it. Found my thingie, had to use google search cause this site's search blows.

If you care to read, first half was mostly for the WTF moment, second half was a decent story.
http://forum.gateworld.net/threads/7...%29?p=11448488

I read it and posted

The grammer thing has been spoken about, as for missing text, PJ and I spent an hour or two last night trying to fix bits that FF.net had buggered up during the upload...

We did....frelling FF.net

[Stewart5]

Right, Jmoz, fixed some of the mistakes in CHapter 2 and made it ALL past tense, instead of present. That help any?

[puddlejumperOZ]

I think he's gone Stewart, besides it made sense to me???? I don't get all this tense critique, if it reads ok, I just go with it