Elizabeth Weir/John Sheppard Appreciation/Ship/Discussion Thread

[Erin87]

Oooh, that is an awesome video! Thanks for sharing the link!

You're welcome!


Eri: It won't let me green you, but AWESOME job. I do love me some snark.

Speaking of, I just watched National Treasure in honor of the 4th tomorrow, and I was struck through the whole thing with the similarities between Ben/Abigail/Riley and John/Liz/Rodney. Both sets have the whole three musketeer vibe going on. Also, the whole Mama and Papa Bear, with their wordless communication, finish each others sentences, total understanding of each other, super smart and flirty tag teaming, having to look after/keep in line/put up with the endearingly panicky snarky genius. Really makes me want to see John/Liz/Rodney or Joe/Torri/David in some kind of similar hunt for clues adventure. Or that they were the trio in Trio. That would have been SO fantastic. *le sigh*

[Scary Kitty]

You're welcome!


Eri: It won't let me green you, but AWESOME job. I do love me some snark.

Speaking of, I just watched National Treasure in honor of the 4th tomorrow, and I was struck through the whole thing with the similarities between Ben/Abigail/Riley and John/Liz/Rodney. Both sets have the whole three musketeer vibe going on. Also, the whole Mama and Papa Bear, with their wordless communication, finish each others sentences, total understanding of each other, super smart and flirty tag teaming, having to look after/keep in line/put up with the endearingly panicky snarky genius. Really makes me want to see John/Liz/Rodney or Joe/Torri/David in some kind of similar hunt for clues adventure. Or that they were the trio in Trio. That would have been SO fantastic. *le sigh*

OMG, that would've been awesome! Of course, if John had been trapped in the mine with them, who would've been the knight in shining armor to rescue them?

[ShipperWriter]

*rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at Eri's awesomely badass rewriting of The Eye*

That. Was. EPIC!

Yes, yes, yes! OMG, I needed this! Loved the "Princess Bride" shout out and, just, everything!

Well, I'm getting on a plane later. Need to get some sleep. I'll check in once I get to NC! Have a good night!

[ShipperWriter]

OMG, that would've been awesome! Of course, if John had been trapped in the mine with them, who would've been the knight in shining armor to rescue them?

Radek. *pets the Czech*

[Nolamom]

[Sparky She-Demon]

Nice job nola!

[Sequoia Hope]

You're welcome!


Eri: It won't let me green you, but AWESOME job. I do love me some snark.

Speaking of, I just watched National Treasure in honor of the 4th tomorrow, and I was struck through the whole thing with the similarities between Ben/Abigail/Riley and John/Liz/Rodney. Both sets have the whole three musketeer vibe going on. Also, the whole Mama and Papa Bear, with their wordless communication, finish each others sentences, total understanding of each other, super smart and flirty tag teaming, having to look after/keep in line/put up with the endearingly panicky snarky genius. Really makes me want to see John/Liz/Rodney or Joe/Torri/David in some kind of similar hunt for clues adventure. Or that they were the trio in Trio. That would have been SO fantastic. *le sigh*

I've never made that connection before, but you're totally right. Man, it's been a while since I've watched that movie.

They should have been the trio in Trio. Rodney could have been the injured one, and John could have been the one saving Elizabeth from her demise. That would have been the start of official on-screen Sparky.

[Scary Kitty]

Good morning, Sparkies! Happy Fluffy Thursday and Happy Independence Day to all in the US!

That's so awesomely festive!

Radek. *pets the Czech*

And Lorne. Gotta get Lorne in on the action. Hope you enjoy your trip!

[Brie]

Hello everyone!

I haven’t been able to go online much during the last couple of days becuase everything has been pretty crazy over here since I found out that I will be moving to London in mid-August and will be living there for a few month at least so you can imagine that there’s a lot of things that need to be worked out. Oh well, BTT.

This keeps popping every time I'm watching an episode without her. How much different (and better) everything would have been had Elizabeth been there. I must stop myself from going there because that yearning ruins everything.

I will admit that I do the same thing but it’s not that surprising that the fans do that since season 4 and 5 did leave a lot to be desired.

all i remember during the first like 10 episodes or so John only called her "Dr. Weir".

The strangest part though when you watch ‘Rising’ again and the moment when John calls her “Ma’am”, I mean I understand why it’s there but it still feels weird to hear it, especially when you know how close they will grow later on (though I have the feeling that the “ma’am” might still make it’s appearance when they’re in private together)

On another note, I did this a couple of weeks ago but neglected to share it here. It's a redo of the illustration I did for my very first fanfic, It's Good to Be Home. On deviantArt there's this 'draw it again' meme and I thought this one was a prime candidate.

Spoiler:

http://i677.photobucket.com/albums/v...ps921b7b31.jpg

Love the fanfic and the artwork, so awesome.

Speaking of, I just watched National Treasure in honor of the 4th tomorrow, and I was struck through the whole thing with the similarities between Ben/Abigail/Riley and John/Liz/Rodney. Both sets have the whole three musketeer vibe going on. Also, the whole Mama and Papa Bear, with their wordless communication, finish each others sentences, total understanding of each other, super smart and flirty tag teaming, having to look after/keep in line/put up with the endearingly panicky snarky genius. Really makes me want to see John/Liz/Rodney or Joe/Torri/David in some kind of similar hunt for clues adventure. Or that they were the trio in Trio. That would have been SO fantastic. *le sigh*

Never thought about that but you’re right, there is some similarities between the two trios. And I agree that ‘Trio’ would have been much more interesting and way better with John/Liz/Rodney there instead.

[poundpuppy29]

Happy 4th of July to all the U.S. Sparkies

[Luz]

Speaking of, I just watched National Treasure in honor of the 4th tomorrow, and I was struck through the whole thing with the similarities between Ben/Abigail/Riley and John/Liz/Rodney. Both sets have the whole three musketeer vibe going on. Also, the whole Mama and Papa Bear, with their wordless communication, finish each others sentences, total understanding of each other, super smart and flirty tag teaming, having to look after/keep in line/put up with the endearingly panicky snarky genius. Really makes me want to see John/Liz/Rodney or Joe/Torri/David in some kind of similar hunt for clues adventure. Or that they were the trio in Trio. That would have been SO fantastic. *le sigh*

Speaking of movies, the one movie that reminds of sparky is The Peacemaker. It's with George Clooney (who I usually try to avoid but this is the only role where I've actually found him attractive) and Nicole Kidman. Clooney plays Devoe, an Army Lt. Colonel with a rebellious streak and Kidman plays Dr. Kelly, a White House expert in nuclear weapons. Every time I watch that movie I'm like, gee, this is like a S/W AU, lol.

[Lt.Colonel John Sheppard]

Speaking of movies, the one movie that reminds of sparky is The Peacemaker. It's with George Clooney (who I usually try to avoid but this is the only role where I've actually found him attractive) and Nicole Kidman. Clooney plays Devoe, an Army Lt. Colonel with a rebellious streak and Kidman plays Dr. Kelly, a White House expert in nuclear weapons. Every time I watch that movie I'm like, gee, this is like a S/W AU, lol.

I was just watching that movie this morning and i swear to you, I thought the same damn thing.

[Pearl of Atlantis76]

This is quite a good episode in the first fifteen minutes or so when we are learning about John. But I felt when the whole Replicator-on-the-loose thing took over I found it pretty dull. I also wondered, though, how different the episode would have been with Elizabeth there. Oh, well.

I always think this, about most of the episodes from seasons 4 and 5. What would have been different if Elizabeth would have been there, how could they have written/done the episode if Elizabeth was still there? How would their reactions be to the events? What kind of reaction Elizabeth would have about certain matters/ events? How would John and even Rodney react and act to the events, if Elizabeth would still be in charge of Atlantis?

Ahah. Also, who's the older sibling, John or David?

I think John is the elder brother because John says that his father had everything planned for him since he was 14 years old, and in my understanding usually the elder sons are the ones prepared to follow their father’s footsteps and are usually the ones who eventually take their places in the business, but it seems that John didn’t want that for himself, so Dave, the younger brother, took his place.

One huge mistake about Bates in this episode that still ticks me off is him saying the Air Force gave him his medical discharge. He was a MARINE!!!!!!! How can a Devil Dog get discharged by the Air Force?!?!??!?

Wow, I totally missed that out!!!

2nd Half

Spoiler:

[EXT. MAINLAND - STORM IS ALMOST HERE]


Stupid Athosian KIDS Jumper two was waiting for finally figured out that storm = bad, and made their way back home. Audience laments that the future of the Athosian people lies in the hands of these guys and the one that gave away all Atlantis's secrets on Manaria.

FORD: Time to lift off.

BECKETT: WAIT! It's scary out there!!

FORD: Uh, if we wait any more we'll be in the middle of the storm.

BECKETT: So?

FORD: But the storm's at our backs and we're in a SWIFT FLYING MACHINE THAT WILL LET US OUTRUN IT.

BECKETT: That doesn't matter. Let's just sit here instead.

TEYLA and FORD look at each other and for some reason they decide to let the MEDICAL DOCTOR call the shots. The Audience wonders what happened to the radio.

[EXT. ATLANTIS, PIER, GROUNDING STATION FOUR - WINDY]

John gets down to the Grounding station, establishes for everyone how far that brisk walk was. Rodney and ELizabeth engage in a little McWeir while Sheppard listens in.

SHEPPARD: Any day now!

RODNEY: Since you're still considered capable at this point, I'm giving you advanced level instructions.

SHEPPARD: Look at this. Still mensa, for at least one more episode.

RODNEY: One down, one to go. Now run. The audience likes it when you do that.



[INT. OVERLOOKING THE ATLANTIS GATEROOM]

Single best conversation of secondary characters in the whole of the SGA universe shall be preserved in its entirety:

GUARD 1: Bacon.

GUARD 2: The one thing you brought with you is bacon?

GUARD 1: Hey, it's the food that makes other food worth eating.

GUARD 2: You wish you brought bacon to another galaxy?

Brilliant dialogue is now interrupted. Bacon soldiers forget all protocols and elect to lower the Gate shield without even bothering to clear it with any of the superior personnel, all three of which are still in Atlantis. They welcome in the well-disguised Genii, led by Kolya, who promptly shoots them.

AUDIENCE: Awwwww. Bacon dudes!

SORA: Why did you kill them? I'm only asking because I need to have an establishing moment of sympathy.

KOLYA: Wooo! Big City! And look! Windows!



[INT. MULTIPLE AREAS OF ATLANTIS/INTERCUT DIALOGUE BETWEEN SHEP/WEIR/MCKAY/GENII]

John is running to the Grounding Station. He hears reports of the incursion over the radio as Rodney and Elizabeth enter the Gateroom and run smack into Kolya.

WEIR (grabbed by the Genii): Who are you?

MCKAY: (looking appropriately peeved and not scared, for once in his life): Genii.

KOLYA: Doctor Weir. I will repeat that because it's kinda sexy how I say it. Doctor Weir.

WEIR: I agree.

KOLYA: And now we own Atlantis. Doctor Weir.


[INT. JUMPER BAY/INTERCUT INT. JUMPER ON MAINLAND ]

Sheppard has gone into full commando mode, which kinda excites the audience as he starts acting all kinds of awesome. He also confirms that the radio actually does work, which makes the crew in Jumper 2 look even more stupid for not radioing in earlier.

SHEPPARD: Ford, where the heck are you?

FORD: Uh, we decided to wait it out.

SHEPPARD: You decided to 'wait out' a storm that's covering 20% of the planet.

FORD: It was Beckett's idea.

SHEPPARD: Whatever. THe Genii are here and they've taken Weir and McKay hostage.

FORD: Ooo, that's not good. We're coming.

BECKETT: No, we're not. Lookit! Bad storm.

TEYLA: I agree, only on the principle that we absolutely have to let Sheppard have his commando moment. Sorry Major.

SHEPPARD: Right. Zero Dark Thirty here I come.



[INT. ATLANTIS GATEROOM - STORM STILL A-COMING]

Kolya takes a waltz around the Sheppard/Weir balcony, which angers Elizabeth even more than the sight of the bacon boys being carted off on stretchers. Though where the Genii are taking them, since they don't know the City, is beyond the audience.

WEIR: Who are you?

KOLYA: Acastus Kolya. Remember it well.

WEIR: Oh, I will. Though I do have to wonder why you've got it out for us. We can be friends.

KOLYA: Do I look like someone who was cast to be a friend?

WEIR: Point taken.

KOLYA: We need medical supplies, the Wraith Data thing that looks like a weird USB, oh, and all your C4, though I'm probably not entirely sure what that is.

WEIR: All of it? Talk about hostage situation overkill.

KOLYA takes a moment to flash a glare at McKay who was 'leaning' over the communications console to let Sheppard in on the news.

MCKAY: WHAT? I don't look suspicious just leaning!

KOLYA: No, but repeating everything I just said verbatim may have been a tip off. Take her to the place to get the stuff we need.

WEIR: You realize that's in three different places.

Sora hustles off Weir with a petulant look on her face.

Kolya (to McKay): Why are you here anyway? Wouldn't the most important personnel be evacuated first?

AUDIENCE: Wow. Dude's perceptive. He actually pointed out a decent quibble with the script.

MCKAY: Um, don't you ever watch this show? The leads always do everything. Duh.

KOLYA: Not buying it. As this is a PG show, we can't show what we're about to do but we can subtly imply it.

Soldier draws out a knife. Rodney gulps.



[INT. ATLANTIS LAB ]

Elizabeth is getting Sora the Wraith USB device. Sora looks even more petulant than she normally does.

SORA: Where is Teyla?

WEIR: Teyla? Ah. That makes you Sora. Cuz I totally didn't figure it out by the red curls and petulant expression.

SORA (petulantly): I WILL AVENGE MY FATHER!

Weir: Chill out, Hamlet. You'll get your chance. And trust me, the way you handle it, the fanboys will be pleased.



[INT. ATLANTIS ARMORY]

Genii soldiers find that Sheppard has curtailed their measure to get all the Atlantis C-4, which was all apparently stored in only one box. Clever.



[INT. CONTROL ROOM]


Elizabeth is examining Rodney's arm, which, to his credit, is actually bloody. Kolya learns how to use a Radio for the first time.

SHEPPARD: You let them go, I'll give you back the bombs. Capice?

KOLYA: Bombs? Who wants Bombs? I want Atlantis. Go, deactivate the grounding station.

SHEPPARD: And...I'm back to running.


[INT. JUMPER ON MAINLAND]

Teyla, Ford and Beckett are concerned they haven't heard back from the Major yet, despite the fact that it would be totally stupid during a hostage situation for him to be giving them play-by-play.

BECKETT: My question is, why would the Genii attack us?

FORD: Who knows? We only threatened them, exposed their operation, stole their gear and killed one of their top people. You know, the norm.

TEYLA: Only they believe falsely. I mean, about killing one of their top people. We did all the other things.

FORD: We need to get back.

BECKETT (who is not only a commander but now a nautical specialist and can tell wind speed, in knots, simply by looking out the Jumper windshield): No. We stay.



[INT. ELIZABETH'S OFFICE]

Kolya's apparently made himself comfortable at Elizabeth's desk. Elizabeth is escorted in by Sora.

ELIZABETH: Look, I'm the diplomat so I've got to get in at least one negotiation scene here.

KOLYA: Go ahead.

ELIZABETH: We can be friends.

KOLYA: Lovely try. A bit stupid at this point, though.

ELIZABETH: Okay. You realize you can't be an effective leader without someone to sit on your desk?

KOLYA: Right now I only have Sora and Ladon. I'll have to think about this.

ELIZABETH: Go ahead. Honestly, I'm just waiting for Sheppard to do his thing.

GENII SOLDIER: He's just about to.


[INT/EXT. GROUNDING STATION THREE - STORMS HERE!]


John checks the lifesigns detector and notes that there are two Genii spying on him. Rather than deactivate the panel, he opts to get into a firefight instead. The Genii soldiers miss him, but hit the control panel, which McKay has already warned in establishment is fragile. Also established is the fact that the Genii probably should have been taking target practice rather than training with sticks, because they have terrible aim.

JOHN: Now you broke the grounding thing. And we're going to have to listen to McKay gripe about how we're all going to die, which sort of pisses me off more than your shooting at me.

MCKAY (completely forgetting to be scared or injured now that he has a legitimate reason to complain): Now we're all going to die!

KOLYA: You killed two of my guys!

JOHN: You killed two of my guys! Even Stevens!

KOLYA: I don't think so. (He pulls out a pistol, and aims it at Elizabeth).

AUDIENCE (sitting up): Holy crap...

KOLYA: Say goodbye to Doctor Weir.

JOHN: You kill her I'll blow the City up!

KOLYA: Please, for once I'm a villain who isn't an idiot. Without her, I know you can't. Now say bye-bye.

JOHN: WAIT! PLEASE DON'T KILL HER! I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!

SPARKY SHIPPERS (nose to TV): WHAT DID HE JUST SAY?!


John's cries of Kolya are drowned out by the storm as the City pans out to the absolute worst looking VFX of all of the Atlantis series run.


TO BE CONTINUED

The second part tomorrow...

Oh gosh, this was absolutely hilarious!!!!

[Pearl of Atlantis76]

Thanks for giving me a great laugh. Have you done this with other episodes? I think I would like to see your version of Irresistible.

Eri has done it with other episodes like ”Lifeline” and “Before I Sleep”. And here they are.

Eri13's Lifeline recap:

Spoiler:

[EXT: CITY IN SPACE. HALF A SHIELD. JUMPER BAY.]

Rodney: This is something that's not going to work. Invariably we're going to die.

John: What do we have to do?

Rodney: Use Elizabeth as an antenna, basically. At least it's original.

John: No, it isn't.

[INT: ELIZABETH'S INFIRMARY ROOM, SHE IS MAKING SHADOW PUPPETS WITH HER HANDS. JOHN AND COMPANY WALK IN. JOHN AND ELIZABETH STARE WITH PEOPLE IN THE ROOM.]

Teyla: Let me steal your quote from The Gift because I can't come up with good motivation on my own. At least Ronon pays attention.

*John and Elizabeth STARE at each other.*

Rodney: We're going to try to do something that's probably not going to work and we're all going to die.

Elizabeth: Got it. And you'll kill me if this goes wrong.

John: (WOOBIE FACE): THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Elizabeth and John STARE at each other; don't even notice others have left.

Elizabeth: You will have to kill me if this goes bad.

John: (WOOBIE FACE): THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

Elizabeth: For reasons that will require an essay length explanation on symbolism, parallelism and irony, you may be required to. Just keep that in mind. And I like your woobie face.

John: *bigger woobie face* *STARE*

[EXT: JUMPER IN SPACE]

*John and Elizabeth stare in Jumper*

Rodney: We just did something that is not working and we're all going to die.
Ronon gives him an aggravated look.

[EXT: ASURAS.]

Rodney: This is not going to work, and we're all going to die. *hits button*

Elizabeth: (pretends she's seeing something new and unusual and not a complete rip-off of the Matrix). Wow. I'm like Keanu, even got the black BDUs on.

John: We're going. Tell us where.

*more staring*

Elizabeth: Ok.

*more staring*

[INT: ASURAS]

John and Ronon run where Elizabeth tells them, find a ZPM, and get back to the jumper.

*more staring*

Rodney: I've just come up with a plan that's ridiculous, crazy, will probably kill all of us and most certainly Elizabeth but we should try it anyway.

Elizabeth: I agree!

John (WOOBIE FACE): THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Elizabeth: This isn't the Hot Zone, I definitely know what's best!

John: This is totally the Hot Zone, and no you don't, you have nanites in your brain, which is, ironically, exactly what makes this like Hot Zone!

Rodney: Then let me suggest an alternative so that you can run a much greater risk and most certainly die.

John: (LESS WOOBIE) THAT'S MORE LIKE IT!

[INT: JUMPER, NOW ON TOP OF A TOWER WITH A BIG PENETRATING SHIELD]

Rodney: Okay, here's the plan that most certainly will not work, will cost us Elizabeth and will more than likely sacrifice Atlantis too. Got it?

John: Plug and Play, got it. That's cool. I've devolved enough to be able to mangle plug and play. *stares at Elizabeth* You tell us where to go.

Elizabeth: *STARES*

John: *STARES*

Rodney: Welcome to the canonization of your relationship. Congratulations. Go, so I can proclaim more doom.

Elizabeth: *STARES*

John: *STARES* *gets up* Bye.

Elizabeth: Bye.

Elizabeth and John STARE.

[INT: REPLICATOR CORE ROOM]

John: Look, the Replicator mainframe is a Simon game! That explains a lot.

Ronon: Can you just plug in that Plug & Play that's not going to work so we can forward the story.

John: It's not working!

Rodney: Of course it's not, I told you this wouldn't work and we would all die.

Elizabeth: That's my cue to be awesome. *Runs out of Jumper*

Rodney: Crap. Despite my being a super genius, every single program I've developed this go around has not worked. Go figure. And now the kill switch isn't working either.

Ronon: Go figure.

John: We'll if we're going to die might as well take out Simon. Oh, look, somehow I can access the root structure of my plug and play pad to manually IMPORT CRAZY LOOKING CODE ALL BY MYSELF.

[INT: OBEROTH'S GLOWY BLUE MIND]

Elizabeth: Hah! I am stronger, and you didn't think so! Now I get to pwn you like I so really wanted to do in Progeny but couldn't cuz I was trying to be diplomatic. Wish I could have, my hair was more awesome!

Oberoth: Use the force Luke!

[INT: RODNEY IS TAKEN HOSTAGE, JOHN IS TAKEN HOSTAGE, RONON IS TAKEN HOSTAGE, OBEROTH APPARENTLY DOES ALL THE WORK IN THE REPLICATOR CITY DESPITE THE FACT THEY'RE ALL SUPPOSED TO BE MENTALLY CONNECTED...]

John: You can't mind probe me! I'm a girl! *morphs*

[INT: OBEROTH'S GLOWY BLUE MIND AGAIN]

Elizabeth: HA HA! FOOLED YOU!

Oberoth: I'm a robot, and yet I can still get pissed.

[INT: JOHN AND RONON RUNNING THROUGH THE REPLICATOR CITY SOMEHOW MANAGE TO STUMBLE ON THE HALLWAY WHERE ELIZABETH FOUND OBEROTH]

John: ELIZABETH! *STARE*

Elizabeth: I can't look at you right now, my hand's in Oberoth's head. Run away, so you can get the better of Rodney and his pessimism. GO!

John: ELIZABETH!

Elizabeth: In the ultimate symbolic move of irony and parallelism, as taken in comparison to episodes Hot Zone, Siege II, Common Ground and others too small to name, I, Elizabeth Weir, the civilian head of Atlantis, in a move that will require lengthy English-major style analysis, will now ORDER YOU, John Sheppard, to leave me behind.

John: And in the ultimate showing of ironic twist and in complete paradox to what I normally do, for reasons that will require a lengthy, English-major type explanation, I John Sheppard, erstwhile military man who owes you no military allegiance, will OBEY.

*FINAL STARE*

Elizabeth: My life's about to suck.

[INT: JUMPER]

Rodney: I told you this plan wouldn't work and we'd all die!

*Somehow the plan works*

[EXT: SPACE]

Rodney: Big frakkin ship!

*big frakkin ship gets hit by another big frakkin' ship in a moment that confuses the hell out of everyone*

Sam: HI!

Rodney: Of course! I know why I was inept in this episode! Sam's here! I must either look stupid, arrogant or licentious in comparison.

[INT: ATLANTIS]

Rodney: This plan is not going to work and we're all going to die!

John: Then let's at least have some fun with the city. *goes to chair room and lands the city with surprisingly little splash.*

Bill Lee: 9.5!

[INT: WEIR'S OLD OFFICE THAT IS ALREADY BETTER DECORATED.]

Teyla: I am sad, I will miss her. Though I have a feeling this scene may only have been inserted so that I had more to do this episode.

Ronon: Par for the course.

[EXT: THE SPARKY BALCONY]

Sam: I can be nice, and yet I still go straight for the heart. Because I like your woobie face.

John: Well here it is again, thanks for bringing it up. Guess I should say something about getting Elizabeth back. So, I'll say it. I'll get her back.

Sam: You say that if it makes you feel better. But don't get too cheerful, I like the Woob and so does everyone else.

John: *woobie*

[END]

[Pearl of Atlantis76]

Before I Sleep - part one

Eri13's snarky recap of Before I Sleep - Part 1:

Spoiler:

Sparky Snark - Before I Sleep in a nutshell and in Two Parts:

[EXT: Atlantis Balcony. Elizabeth Weir is outside; John Sheppard comes out to join her.]

Weir: I thought you were off to cause more trouble.

John: Oh, I will. But before I do I will give you something that is completely not indicative of shipping or feelings in any way, because that wouldn’t be canon. So just accept this completely platonic birthday gift from me, as I hand it to you with a completely platonic flirty smile and a completely platonic soft, sexy tone of voice that’s completely platonic.

Weir: Thanks. I can completely tell it’s platonic, which is why I offer only a half smile, raised eyebrow and sexy, soft thank you in return that’s completely platonic.

John: Great! I’ll just sexily walk off now in a completely platonic way while you stare at my backside.


[INT: Atlantis corridor]

Rodney: In an attempt to fill the time it’ll take Ford to get to the mysterious door at the end of the corridor, I’ll randomly make jokes about real estate.

Ford: Hey! This is the first of 3 seconds you’ll get with me and I use it to point out a mysterious room in a CITY FULL OF MYSTERIOUS ROOMS. And people wonder why I got killed off.

*John, Ford and Teyla discover the stasis pod*

John: Whoa. Old lady - and yet there’s something about her that makes me want to STARE AT HER


[INT: Atlantis stasis room]

Beckett: If we wake her up, she’ll die.

Audience: IF YOU LET HER SLEEP, SHE’LL ALSO DIE. DUH.

Weir: (standing in front of stasis pod in such a way that makes it completely obvious she has something to do with the person IN the pod): wake her up.

Old Weir is removed from the pod and laid on a table. She wakes.

Old Weir: It worked. You’re alive and as annoying as ever. *promptly falls asleep*



[INT: Control Room]

Rodney: In an effort to balance out ships, we’re going to share a McShep moment.

John: And mention how many dangers could still exist in the city, which, ironically, we’ll never again explore.



[INT: Atlantis Infirmary]

Carson: Elizabeth, get down here. This old lady knows my name, and I’m kind of afraid of her fake white wig. History will soon show you I don’t have a good track record with things in fake white wigs.

*Elizabeth makes her way to the infirmary*

Elizabeth: (to old Elizabeth): How are you feeling?

Old Weir: I’m you. Glad I stopped trying to straighten my hair, you look better with the curls. Oh, look, sky. ZZZZZZZZZZZ


[INT: Atlantis Conference Room]

Rodney: I shall throw out time-travel science terms to prove I am the chief scientist. Einstein. Quantum. Black Hole Manipulation.

John: I shall throw out a cool movie reference to prove I am the laid-back hero. DeLorean.

Rodney: I shall insult your movie reference by mocking how badly that movie handled real science, in no way acknowledging the same problems with my own show.

Beckett (entering excitedly): In what may potentially be the speediest DNA test in the history of DNA tests, I can confirm she’s you.



[INT: Infirmary. Old Weir is still sleeping]

Rodney: I’m going to try to do an empathizing moment, but obviously I’m not Sheppard, so let me talk about time travel instead. Oh, and by the way there are millions of versions of you spread out across many variations of fluctuating universes.

Elizabeth: I know that, you’ll meet some of them in Seasons 4 and 5.

*Old Weir wakes up*

Old Weir: Where’s that 10,000 year old piece of paper?

Elizabeth: Rodney’s got it.

Old Weir: Right. I’ll just let him hang on to it and not reveal its importance until a dramatic moment later in the story. How about we hit the flashbacks now?

Elizabeth: Sounds good.

Old Weir: (*flashback sequence starts with clips from Rising*). We got to the city, lights came on, but other stuff didn’t work.

Rodney: Wait, nothing worked? That’s not what happened.

Old Weir: Alternate timeline, duh. I thought you were supposed to be a genius. I’m going to have to repeat a lot of things to them, aren’t I?

Elizabeth: Yes.

Old Weir: Glad to see not much has changed. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ



[INT: Elizabeth’s office. Carson and Elizabeth are sitting in it.]

Elizabeth: Carson, I need you to drug up the old version of me, she keeps falling asleep.

Carson: If I do that it may kill her.

Audience: DUDE! AGAIN WITH THE NONSENSICAL HESITATION. SHE’S GOING TO DIE ANYWAY!

Elizabeth: Is it actually necessary for me to explain why I’m asking you to give me drugs? The logic in it will give the audience headaches. She is me, I am her, ergo, if I want drugs?

Carson: Got it. Drugs it is.




[INT: Infirmary. Old Weir is sitting up and looking alert.]

Old Weir: Thanks for the drugs! I needed that.

Elizabeth: I know! Hey look, I randomly found a wheelchair and a checkered afghan, because I’m sure those were priorities in someone’s ‘take one personal item’ packs. Let’s go for a spin.

*they make it to the gateroom*

Old Weir: This looks much cooler when people actually wear colors. Speaking of which, why am I still in my 10,000 year old dress?

Elizabeth: No idea, though I’m pretty resilient about wearing the same stuff over and over. Note the shirt. You wouldn’t want any of the rest of my wardrobe anyway - remember that gray number from 38 Minutes?

Old Weir: Right. Well, I have a story to tell and I need somewhere dramatic to tell it.

Elizabeth: Hm. Despite its lack of elevators and being nowhere near a transporter, so I have no idea how I’ll get you up there, I think we can hold it in the conference room next to the balcony.




[INT: Conference Room. Weir has managed to get old Weir up there despite the lack of any handicap friendly modes of transport nearby]

Old Weir: There’s that midriff girl again. What’s she doing here? I have no idea who the heck she is.

Teyla: Do not worry, eventually the writers shall realize that too and I shall disappear from this episode for no apparent reason.

Ford: Me too. Though I shall burn myself into your mind with my 80’s era armpit t-shirt.

Old Weir: Anyways, back to the flashback? (cue Rising cuts again) I got called downstairs by that guy from Terminator: 2 for who knows what reason. By the time we got back to the control room and my hair went from perfectly straight to obviously-this-is-an-inserted-scene-straight, we discovered the shield had failed and that T2 guy drowned.

Elizabeth: Sumner drowned? Well, I guess that beats getting the life sucked out of you by a Wraith Queen like in my timeline.

John: Wait, what am I supposed to do for my ‘leave no man behind thing’ if the dude I can’t leave behind is already dead?

Old Weir: Character evolve? Anyways, moving on - we discover the Gateships, which John and I manage to stow away on.

Rodney: What happened to me?

Old Weir: You drowned.

Rodney (looking appropriately shocked at either his heroic moment or the fact that he’s not as smart as he thought): Wow.

Old Weir: Don’t feel bad, everyone else drowned too, including Scotty and the guy over there who looks like Willis from Differn't Strokes. Except for John, me and Zelenka, whose recurring status has apparently made him a more important character than originally was intended.

Elizabeth: Yeah, he didn’t show up in my version of Rising.

John: HA! Made it out of the city! Cooler than Rodney yet again!

Old Weir: As often randomly happened, John just touched something and we were magically zapped back 10,000 years in time. Which basically means that the incredibly complex nature of time travel Rodney was trying to explain earlier was completely irrelevant, and that this time machine is even more sketchy than the one Rodney was criticizing in Back to the Future.

Rodney: Touche

Old Weir: But as you know we can’t go too many episodes without explosions, so the jumper was hit, and John- *she starts to have an attack*

Beckett: Wow. Even an Alternate You can’t handle it when Sheppard’s in danger.

Elizabeth: Are you surprised?

Beckett: After The Eye? Not really.

[INT: Atlantis Infirmary. Elizabeth is staring over Old Elizabeth. John comes in to join her]

John: Remember that earlier scene where you were doing this and Rodney walked up? Well, I’m going to say the exact same thing he said only better and in that sexy man-voice again.

Elizabeth: You know for a completely platonic relationship there sure are a lot of these type moments.

*Rodney enters*

Rodney: In an attempt to be funny and completely draw attention to the fact that I’m interrupting what appears to be a private and intimate moment between the two of you - even though everyone knows you guys don’t have intimate and private moments- I’m going to turn into shades of that comedic idiot that will become so standard for me in Season 2 and beyond.

Elizabeth: Great, thanks, more to look forward to.

*Old Weir wakens. She and young Elizabeth share a McShep chastising moment so Rodney and John can experience double the Momma Weir*

Old Weir: Anyways - I woke up dressed in this dress and was told that everyone else was dead, glossing over the fact that my managing to survive while they got killed really makes no sense.

John: Damn. I wanted to wear an Ancient outfit.

Elizabeth: Next season.

Old Weir (continuing): I met up with this Ancient named Janus who explained I’d gone back 10,000 years to right before Atlantis was abandoned, which was a rather lucky break. Oh, and in case you didn’t know, the bad guys are called the Wraith.

Rodney: Yeah, we got that, thanks.

Old Weir: Janus took me in front of the high council, who surprisingly spoke entirely in English and not Ancient. Anyways, he was there with the chick from the Library, Spock, Harry Belafonte, one of the Jedi from Phantom Menace, and that guy who will apparently become important somewhere in SG-1. They told me that I could go back to Earth with them but I couldn’t travel back in time, because it would screw things up too much. Which makes no sense, because honestly I could screw even MORE things up by going back as an advanced Earth human during a critical point in early Earth human evolution. Whatever. ZZZZZZZZZZZ




[INT: Infirmary]

Beckett: Like I told you would happen, she’s going to die.

Audience: SHE’S 10,000 YEARS OLD. DUH.

Old Weir *waking up*: I need to finish my story otherwise this will feel like an episode of Lost. Luckily for us Janus was all about breaking the rules. He developed a way for me to stay behind and rotate ZPMs, yada yada yada - of course none of it mattered because the only thing that really worked was his back-up failsafe plan. Wow. This is so boring I’m putting myself to sleep. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ