Elizabeth Weir/John Sheppard Appreciation/Ship/Discussion Thread

[gateraid]

Good morning, Sparkies! Happy Smutty Tuesday! And... I'M BAAAACK! Did ya miss me?

Anyway, the Northwest was magnificent, with all the cool weather, pine trees, cute critters, and peace and quiet that I just don't get in LA. Hopefully I'll have a few pics up soon.

Just about finished with the laundry and getting stuff put away, and still have to get caught up on everything I missed while I was away, but just wanted to stop in and say hello and hug all of you! So... {{{{HUGS}}}}

Hey welcome back!

But I couldn't resist this...



Nailed it! You are the master, as always.

Maybe. I still think the best outcome for that episode would have been to raise the shield five seconds earlier. **** you McKay

Hello! I noticed the thread's been a little slow, so I come bearing a gift. I don't know if it's been done before, but this is my version.

ERI SNARK VERSION OF THE STORM:

1st Half

Spoiler:

<snip>

Brilliant as always. When did you do this? I miss the episode recaps you used to do and never did manage to find the ones from the back half of s3

I can't recall if Eri did a snark version of Irresistible or not (though I definitely remember one of Lifeline that was absolutely hilarious), and I couldn't find it in a search, but if you're looking for laughs it's hard to beat zero point snark. (Sorry. I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I figured I'd answer anyway.)

I wholeheartedly concur with the Zero Point Snark rec. It's a pity they never continued to the end, but they were/are hilarious

Also, I come bearing another vid rec! This one's really well done and there's some cool moments when it looks like Lizzie was in Vegas.

Spoiler:

Edited to add:

I forgot to add I love this vid

[Eri13]

Thanks y'all! Glad you enjoyed it! I'm working on 'The Eye' now.

OMG, Eri, that was bloody hilarious!

So looking forward to The Eye!

Thanks for giving me a great laugh. Have you done this with other episodes? I think I would like to see your version of Irresistible.

I haven't done Irresistible. I think my snark would go into massive overdrive. And you'd force me to rewatch it again. *HACK* But I can try.

As Erin87 said, Zero Point Snark is the inspiration for this type of thing. I haven't been there in a while, but it's worth checking out. I'm sure they did their own version of TS/TE and I know they have some Season 1/2 snark recaps.

Hey welcome back!

Maybe. I still think the best outcome for that episode would have been to raise the shield five seconds earlier. **** you McKay

Brilliant as always. When did you do this? I miss the episode recaps you used to do and never did manage to find the ones from the back half of s3

I wholeheartedly concur with the Zero Point Snark rec. It's a pity they never continued to the end, but they were/are hilarious

Edited to add:

I forgot to add I love this vid

I did it yesterday. Literally. I was tired of photoshop.

Did you catch the line in there inspired by one of your cap runs? It's the one about the desk sitting, although in your version Kolya promptly hands Atlantis back. I had to steal it, it was too funny.

The recaps are there somewhere. If I want to find them, I sometimes try searching "Part II" or "Part III," because I think I did most of them in pieces and I labelled them all (I think) in Roman numerals. I did through Lifeline, then a small recap of the episodes between LL and TMC, then I think I did TMC and GITM. I remember GITM, cuz I hated capping that episode.

[Scary Kitty]

Good morning, Sparkies! Happy Screw The Angst Wednesday!

Welcome back, SK. Now the loonie bin is complete again.

The nuttier, the better, right?

And OMG Eri, I am dying here at your snarky rendition of The Storm! Ahh, Kolya. I think he's gonna be traumatized for life after your version of The Eye!

I can't recall if Eri did a snark version of Irresistible or not (though I definitely remember one of Lifeline that was absolutely hilarious), and I couldn't find it in a search, but if you're looking for laughs it's hard to beat zero point snark. (Sorry. I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I figured I'd answer anyway.)

Hah! We can never have too many recommendations to go read Zero Point Snark. It's comedy at its finest! *high-fives*

Also, I come bearing another vid rec! This one's really well done and there's some cool moments when it looks like Lizzie was in Vegas.

Spoiler:

Oooh, that is an awesome video! Thanks for sharing the link!

[gateraid]

Thanks y'all! Glad you enjoyed it! I'm working on 'The Eye' now.



I haven't done Irresistible. I think my snark would go into massive overdrive. And you'd force me to rewatch it again. *HACK* But I can try.

As Erin87 said, Zero Point Snark is the inspiration for this type of thing. I haven't been there in a while, but it's worth checking out. I'm sure they did their own version of TS/TE and I know they have some Season 1/2 snark recaps.



I did it yesterday. Literally. I was tired of photoshop.

Did you catch the line in there inspired by one of your cap runs? It's the one about the desk sitting, although in your version Kolya promptly hands Atlantis back. I had to steal it, it was too funny.

I did catch that But I, in turn, was inspired by Southern Red's observation about desk sitting

The recaps are there somewhere. If I want to find them, I sometimes try searching "Part II" or "Part III," because I think I did most of them in pieces and I labelled them all (I think) in Roman numerals. I did through Lifeline, then a small recap of the episodes between LL and TMC, then I think I did TMC and GITM. I remember GITM, cuz I hated capping that episode.

Oh, that makes a lot more sense that what i did back in the day, which was to just scroll through the thread until I found one. Top tip

[Nolamom]

Sharing a quick joke?

[Eri13]

Okay, here's The Eye. I haven't really edited so it's probably rough around the edges.

Spoiler:

[INT. ATLANTIS GATEROOM INTERCUT EXT. GROUNDING STATION]


John is standing sexily in the rain, holding a radio. Kolya is standing in the Gateroom, much less sexy, holding a gun at Elizabeth, who is playing her best damsel in distress moment.


SHEPPARD: Please don't kill her!

Sparky Shippers, who had been camped out for a week waiting for this two-parter to conclude, turn up the volume.

WEIR: Seriously? You can't kill me. I'm second in the opening credits.

In a moment that makes more people's jaws drop than the death of the bacon boys, Rodney steps between Kolya and Elizabeth.

AUDIENCE: DAH-WHO-HUH?

RODNEY: McWeir will not be outdone!

Kolya stares at Rodney, either impressed or a little grossed out.

RODNEY: Okay, five seconds of bravery up. And I just realized I'm staring impending doom in the face, which is way out of character for me, so I better get back to panicking. DON'T SHOOT US! IF YOU DO, YOU DON'T GET THE WINDOWS!

SORA: Windows are good, Commander. Listen to him.

KOLYA: Straight up. I like the windows.

As Kolya walks away, Elizabeth honors the McWeir.

ELIZABETH: You stood in front of a gun for me.

RODNEY: (fully back in character and thereby frustrating shippers): Who cares! We're all going to die!


[INT. WEIR'S OFFICE INTERCUT EXT. GROUNDING STATION]


Sheppard, who apparently has been waiting patiently in the POURING RAIN while who knows what is happening in the gateroom, gets contacted by Kolya, who has decided he'll be his own sexy desk sitter.

KOLYA: Despite the fact that I haven't really known you long to enough to do a psych eval, I'm going to assume you're the soft type that will be heart crushed by the news that WEIR IS DEAD.

SHEPPARD (clenching radio in fist angrily): I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.

AUDIENCE: Hot Damn.

SPARKY AUDIENCE: HOT. DAMN.!!

KOLYA: For the sake of the McShep shippers, I'll also throw in that I'll kill McKay if you try anything else.

John pays absolutely no attention to this last threat of Kolya's and runs back into the City to apparently make good on his threat, or at least get out of the rain.


[INT. ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]

We are introduced to LADON RADIM, who will end up rivalling Carson as far as skill sets by the end of the series.

LADON: Screw the windows. They've got arcade panels here that are SWEET! You guys.

He gestures to a couple of Genii soldiers who are obviously expendable.

LADON: Go, and no worries! I've spotted his life blip and I'm absolutely certain that this fantastic technology I've only come to learn in five minutes will completely trump Sheppard's knowledge of the City and years of military training. You have nothing to worry about.



[INT. JUMPER ON THE ATLANTIS MAINLAND]


Ford, Teyla, Beckett and the couple of stupid Athosian kids are watching as the megastorm knocks down a very fake tree. Apparently this upsets Carson enough to add physicist to his ever expanding resume, as he decides to up the inertial dampeners in the Jumper to prevent it from blowing away. Though the audience wonders why inertial dampeners were even active on a grounded Puddle Jumper.

TEYLA: How much longer before this storm that covers 20% of the planet passes?

CARSON (now a meteorologist):I'm guessing we're no more than halfway through.

FORD: We'll just ignore the completely sophisticated instruments in the Jumper that might be able to tell us that, and resort to the old fashioned method of looking out the windshield. I'm sure that's better.



[INT. ATLANTIS]

The Audience is treated to a brief Sheppard-as-black-ops moment as John, obviously not caring about Rodney's health to the disgruntlement of McSheppers, begins to make good on his threat to take out Kolya's men.

AUDIENCE: WHOOOOOOOOOOO. KINDA AWESOME.



[INT. JUMPER ON ATLANTIS MAINLAND]


In a moment missing only the sound of Angel choruses singing 'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH', the sun breaks out on the mainland.

BECKETT (momentarily forgetting he considers himself a meteorologist): What the frak?



[INT. ATLANTIS INTERCUT ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]

John is fully engaged in a game of Metal Gear Solid using the life signs detector. Ladon coaches his Genii soldiers, who not only needed more target practice but also lessons on stealth mode etiquette, on how to find Sheppard. He's also running play-by-play on John's movements for Sora, who apparently can't recognize when the moving dot that represent Sheppard is moving.

LADON: He's moving again.

GENII 1: I DON'T SEE HIM!

LADON: Good grief, did you learn stalking from the Star Trek red shirt manual? When I tell you he's nearby, that's the cue to SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE.

GENII 1: BUT I DON'T SEE HIM!

Sheppard takes the opportunity to use smokescreen grenades to shield his position.

GENII 1: NOW I REALLY CAN'T SEE HIM!



[EXT. GROUNDING STATION THREE]

In a weird twist on hostage situations, Kolya has taken both McKay and Weir with no Genii backup out to the Ground Station where he currently last spoke with Sheppard. Guy has some steel cajones.

In other news, the panel that was shot up and fully of weirdly delicate fiberlooking things is obviously in very bad shape.

MCKAY (now fully back in character after that brief hero moment): Jeez. Sheppard warned you you'd piss me off with this. Now I'm going to act that way while I reiterate that we're all going to die because this thing is totally not fixable.

KOLYA: But can you fix it?

MCKAY: Yeah, just complaining I can't is my MO. Give me twenty minutes. And Elizabeth. I need Elizabeth for her innate knowledge of flashlight holding.



[INT. ATLANTIS HALLS]

John continues his game of Metal Gear Solid, advancing to REX hangar level.



[EXT. THE MAINLAND]

Ford, Teyla and Beckett are staring in amazement at, well, the sky.

FORD: Oh, wait a sec. I remember hurricanes 101. This is the Eye.

TEYLA: The what?

BECKETT (full on meteorologist now): All storms have an eye 20-40 kilometers across.

AUDIENCE: If you knew that, then why the heck did you flail around in the beginning when you could have outrun the thing to start?

FORD: SWEET. Now we can fly out of here.

BECKETT: HOLD IT. You want fly back to Atlantis? The bad part of the storm is over it now.

For once the Audience actually agrees with him.

FORD: This wouldn't be a Stargate spin-off if we didn't do stuff when it's most stupid to try it.

BECKETT: I know that, but I can't fly through a storm.

FORD (suddenly remembering that the Puddle Jumper is more than just a big metal storage box for people. It has advanced computer systems, radios and everything): Spaceship! It goes up! Like really high! And it goes down.

BECKETT: I'm a bloody medical doctor, not a magician!

AUDIENCE: Are you sure? Cuz you've been just about everything else this episode...

TEYLA: Okay, enough with the Star Trek references. It's time for us to make our reappearance just in time for me to engage in a catfight.


[INT. ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]

Ladon is watching as Sheppard pwns him in Metal Gear Solid. He's also given up trying to school the Genii strike force on stealth mode, as it obviously isn't working.

GENII 1: I STILL CAN'T SEE HIM!

LADON: What do you mean you can't see him? Based on the 2D blippies in front of me, you're right on top of him. Which is kinda creepy when I say it like that.

GENII 1: You're right. I should totally go by what you're seeing on your 2D rip-off of Pong screen and my actual eyesight. My apologies, dude who will be leader someday.

Camera pans up to reveal Sheppard officially in Black Ops mode, thanks to the special goggles he's wearing that denotes this. Fanboys expect the figurine two weeks after the original show air.

Because this is a PG show, the Audience does not get to see him take out the soldiers, but is rather treated to Ladon asking stupid questions.

LADON (during the gun fire): Do you see him?

AUDIENCE: Um, I think they saw him.

LADON: Did you get him?

*crickets*

AUDIENCE: Um, no.

LADON: Report.

AUDIENCE: Okay. They be dead and Sheppard just leapt up to O'Neill status as far as SG coolness factor. Suckers.


[EXT. GROUNDING STATION THREE INTERCUT ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]

Sora radios Kolya, apparently hoping her cute petulant tone of voice will soften the blow of the news that more Genii are dead.

SORA: Um, Commander? I think the decision you made to taunt Sheppard was sorta of not a good call.

KOLYA: Based on what.

SORA: The kill tally now being 5 to 2. Sheppard puts great stock in that. Check out Sateda.

KOLYA: DAMMIT. Tell the rest of them to return to the control room, since a small, enclosed space with only three known escape routes is definitely a better place to be.

Rodney and Elizabeth, meanwhile, are hovered over the Grounding station.

ELIZABETH: Why did you tell him how long it would take you to fix this?

MCKAY: Cuz I don't want us to die, genius?

ELIZABETH: Except that once it's fixed we more than likely are going to die, aren't we?

MCKAY: Oh. Right. Didn't think about that. Well, what should I do?

ELIZABETH: I have no idea! But I will verify to all the doubters out there that, unlike Beckett, I am 100% sure my job is solely to be a diplomatic leader, which is why I stupidly throw in the term 'walkabout' when referring to even basic technical terminology.

MCKAY: And yet somehow I'm more annoyed by the term 'jiving'.

ELIZABETH: Just stall. Sheppard's currently having a bad--- moment, all we have to do is come up with some at least semi-logical excuse to keep ourselves alive.

KOLYA (demonstrating he apparently has super hearing): NOT. Tell Cowen to send in 60 more men. My team is currently untrained is assault situations, but lets send in 60 more even less well trained people. Surely the numbers will balance out.


[INT. JOHN IN ATLANTIS]

John pauses in his bad---ness and, apparently not noticing there must be three obvious blips near the Grounding Station on the LSD, decides to ask a sort of stupid question.

SHEPPARD: What would McKay do?

MCSHEPPERS: AWWWWWWWWWWW.

EVERYBODY ELSE: What would who do? What? No, keep on doing what you're doing, it's way cooler!


[INT. JUMPER FLYING UNSTEADILY TO ATLANTIS]

Ford is hanging on for dear life as Beckett shakily steers the Jumper through the storm.

FORD: Okay! Pilot NOT on your resume!

BECKETT: NO DUH! Why don't you try and use the radio now?

FORD: Let's actually land in the currently occupied city before we blow our cover, okay?

[Eri13]

Part II

Spoiler:

[INT. ATLANTIS NAQUADAH GENERATOR ROOM INTERCUT ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM INTERCUT EXT. GROUNDING STATION]

John takes a moment off from his special ops bad---ery to remind the Audience that he still is Sheppard, and smirks as he reads an idiot-proof sign apparently written by McKay, which is not only legible but has an air of calligraphy to it. The Audience wonders why the expedition managed biohazard signs but not Danger signs. Ignoring the warning, Sheppard resumes his Metal Gear Solid routine and pulls the plug on the naquadah generators.

Ladon and Sora are standing around staring stupidly at the pong dot, still being pwned.

Power goes out in the control room.

SORA: What's he done now?

AUDIENCE *with raised eyebrows*: Did you just really ask that dumb question?

LADON: I should have seen this coming.

AUDIENCE: PWND!

SORA: Commander, this is turning into a stalker flick. Now I'm in the dark with only Ladon as my backup, which really is scary.

KOLYA: For that I am sorry. Can you still track Sheppard?

LADON: Considering there's no power in the control room? That would be a NO.

SORA: Despite the lack of power and the inability to track Sheppard and the fact that our guys aren't trained to handle stealth combat and the fact that Sheppard apparently enjoys taking them out in groups, I think we should send our guys out to guard the remaining generators.

KOLYA: Who made you second in command again? Have you watched the first part of the episode? Keep them in the control area until the 60+ guys arrive.

In the meanwhile, Weir and Mckay are figuring out how to stall.

WEIR: Aren't you familiar with bluffing?

MCKay: Um, no, I always tell the truth!

WEIR: Seriously? Have you read have the scripts? The majority of the science in the show IS bluffing.

MCKAY: Point taken.

KOLYA: How we doin'?

MCKAY: Uh...

WEIR (despite her lack of technological knowledge of anything, decides she's the best bluffer): Um, we have to interface codes?

AUDIENCE: Seriously? That doesn't even make the slightest bit of SENSE. Surely he's not going to fall for that.

KOLYA: Okey dokey. Keep me posted.

In a moment that completely negates the need for the bluffing moment just displayed, power goes out to Grounding Station three.

LADON (from the control room): Um, somehow I can still track what's going on with the power, though I have no power. Sheppard's cut more power.

KOLYA: NO CRAP, SHERLOCK. Guess which part of the power he cut. Can we fix the Grounding Station without it?

AUDIENCE: Stupid question of the night award officially goes to Kolya.

RODNEY (looking at the completely unlit console and wondering how that can even be a question): Um, no.

KOLYA: Can we do this without this station being detached?

WEIR: You had to ask that, didn't you? Now he's going to go into a boring explanation of how this plan works for a THIRD TIME.

SORA: In order to redeem myself for that last suggestion, I'm going to suggest we fall back.

KOLYA: NO! I NEED WINDOWS! Fine! Let's take up your last suggestion. Send men down in teams of 2 and when the 60+ men arrive, have them take him with overwhelming force.


[INT. ATLANTIS JUMPER BAY]

Apparently the Genii have been so engaged with Sheppard they failed to notice the incoming Puddle Jumper, opening of the Jumper Bay doors, and sounds of the Jumper. One of the Athosians thinks she's capable enough to help end the Genii and tries to follow as Teyla and Ford stalk out of the Jumper.

TEYLA: NO. Inexperience people should not be involved.

Completely ignoring this, Ford then proceeds to order Carson around and hand him a rifle which he obviously doesn't know how to use.

BECKETT: Should we try and contact the Major?

AUDIENCE: Now they want to use the radio?

FORD: Here, use the life signs detector to find the Major.

BECKETT (asking a rational question for once and also reminding the audience he actually is Scottish by inserting the word 'wee' into the dialogue): How do we know which one is him?

FORD: And now for my token cool line moment of this episode - 'He'll be the dot getting rid of the other dots'



[INT. CONTROL ROOM - STORM'S GETTING WORSE]


LADON: Long awaited backup arriving finally.

The Gate Kawooshes. The men start to come in. Sora turns and stupidly requests the two guards standing watch over the control room come down with her, for no other reason than to greet the other arriving guards, leaving Ladon unprotected. Now even the Audience is questioning who let Sora be second in command.

LADON: They're here!

KOLYA: Awesome. Now we'll pwn that Sheppard.

SHEPPARD: Guess again.

Sheppard punches Ladon in stealth mode, catching him as he falls, which is about as close to Ladon as Sheppard will ever want to get. Sheppard then proceeds to raise the shield, taking out over 50 men with a bug-on-windshield effect.

AUDIENCE: WHOA. BRUTAL. WE LIKE. MORE PLEASE.

SORA: WHAT THE--

She turns, spotting Sheppard, who for some reason lingered just long enough to watch his dirty work and get caught. He races out of the control area, taking out a couple more Genii as he goes and simultaneously confirming the suspicion that there IS another door in Elizabeth's office, since otherwise he'd be a sitting duck.

Sora now demonstrates her absolute incompetance as a second in command, since, despite spending most of two episodes watching Ladon work, she has absolutely no idea what consoles do what.

SORA: Stop sending the men! The shield is up!

KOLYA: What? How did that happen?

SORA: Take a wild guess.

KOLYA: DAMN HIM!

Kolya proceeds to threaten Rodney by hanging him over the railing. Rodney resumes being completely in character as he points out he's not brave at all.

RODNEY: I can lie though! I can't shut it down, Sheppard's used his command codes! Even though we've never seen a gate operator ever use commands codes to raise the shield!

Kolya makes a weak attempt to ask Elizabeth nicely for her code, but all for naught as the wormhole shuts down and the reinforcements become un-reassembled bug splat.

SORA (in a somewhat prosaic moment): It is no use. The Gate has shut down. There are no more men coming.

KOLYA: How many men made it?

AUDIENCE: Wait for it...

SORA: Five of sixty.

KOLYA: STELLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

He grabs McKay and re-threatens him. In another strange moment of out of character-ness, Rodney reasserts his brave face.

RODNEY: You still need me if you want the windows!

Kolya realizes this is true, though why he's still bothering is starting to get old.



[INT. ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]

Ladon's awake and studying the control panel. He apparently has codebreaking skills, though what code he's breaking the audience still doesn't really understand.

KOLYA: Did Athor's son make it through the Gate?

SORA (still pretending to be second in command): Huh?

AUDIENCE: Who?

KOLYA: Idos!

AUDIENCE: Who the heck is Idos?

SORA: No.

AUDIENCE: Is there a point to this conversation about some random Genii dude?

KOLYA (showing significant emotion in what appears to be the writer's apparent attempt to provide him with some depth): Over Sixty men!

SORA (the writer's on a roll and is attempting to provide her some depth too): Defending his home and his people.

AUDIENCE: Um, technically he wasn't defending either his home or his people, since they weren't the ones being assaulted.

KOLYA: Unacceptable.

SORA (back to being petulant): Yes, it is, since you should have listened to me in the first place and ignored the windows we'd be gone by now!

KOLYA: Damn. I think she's right.




[INT. ATLANTIS HALLWAY INTERCUT GENERATOR ROOM]

John is back into full on Metal Gear mode, about to take out two more Genii guards, when Kolya hails him on the radio. Despite being worried about their frequencies being traced, Ford, Teyla and Beckett have all turned on their radios.

KOLYA: Major Sheppard, let's make a deal.

SHEPPARD: Let's not, I'm enjoying Black Ops mode.

KOLYA: You have two flaws in your plan.

AUDIENCE: Flaws? We're not seeing many flaws. It seems to be going pretty damn well, actually.

FORD (interjecting to build the tension by asking a stupid question): Who's this guy again?

KOLYA: You should know by now that I know, that you know, that I know, that you know you're not going to destroy the City.

AUDIENCE: Uh, where in this episode did he threaten to destroy the City?

SHEPPARD: I don't quite understand the question.

KOLYA (trying to be nonchalant about correcting the little boo-boo he made at the beginning by bluffing Elizabeth's death): If you do it, I'll kill Weir and the other guy.

Sheppard skids to a complete stop, takes a breath, and turns on sexy!voice John.

SHEPPARD: Weir's alive?

Sparky shippers actually fall out of their chairs at this point.

KOLYA: Yeah. McKay actually jumped in front of the gun for her.

SHEPPARD: I don't care about McKay! Let me talk to her.

Kolya, realizing for the first time where the real leverage lies, actually complies without grumbling.

WEIR (completely being unsparky): Sheppard, we're both here!

SHEPPARD: It's good to here your voice.

WEIR (speaking lines botched in the script, to the disgruntlement of shippers everywhere): It's good to hear...

SPARKIES (adding in mentally): ...you too!

KOLYA: Turn back on the power or she dies. You have ten minutes.

SHEPPARD (in desperation): But that's not enough time!

KOLYA: Haha! Back on top!


[INT. ARMORY]

Ford, Teyla and Beckett have FINALLY reached the armory. Ford gives them meaningless info about how much artillery to carry, then gives Beckett a totally ridiculous excuse for why Ford, a trained Marine, should carry a Wraith Stunner rather than Beckett, an untrained medical doctor-weatherperson-physicist-pilot, who is charged with a gun.

BECKETT: This is stupid.

FORD: When did you start competing with Sora and Rodney over who's most whiny in this episode?

TEYLA: We must get to the Generator room. Which one of you knows where one is?

Ford and Beckett debate over where it could possibly be, as the audience wonders what exactly Atlantis personnel do on their downtime if they don't even know where the power sources are. They head off on a guess.


[INT. GENERATOR ROOM]

Sheppard rushes into the 3rd Generator room and tries to reengage the power to the Grounding Station, getting caught by the Genii guards in the process, and demonstrating to Sparky fans everywhere how desperate he is to save Elizabeth.

Rather than kill him on sight, Sora stupidly requests they keep him alive so she can talk to him.



[INT. ANOTHER GENERATOR ROOM]

As a break in the action, Team Ford has reached an empty Generator room. Lack of Sheppard forces Beckett and Ford into a pointless argument about how much Beckett doesn't know about the power and how much Ford doesn't know about being in charge. Overall, it points to the complete uselessness of Team Ford to the further plot of the story.

AUDIENCE: Yeah, we knew that on both counts.

TEYLA (attempting to insert a little intelligence into the downward spiral that has become her plotline): Let's try and find another one!

There are two buttons Beckett can push in the Transporter.

BECKETT: EENY MEENY MINEY MO!

Carson prays he's chosen the right one. The Audience prays they cut the number of remaining scenes with Team Ford.

[Eri13]

Part III

Spoiler:

[INT. JOHN's GENERATOR ROOM]

JOhn's on his knees. With the news that Weir's alive completely dissolving his Metal Gear Solid Snake mode, he returns to Sheppard snark and attempts to confuse the Genii Guards with a serious of stupid suggestions.

The Genii once again display their terrible training by reveal that not only can they not hit targets and sneak stealthy, but they're also prone to psychological confusion attacks. As they realize this, they are stunned by Team Ford.

SHEPPARD: What the hell took you so long.

AUDIENCE: We've been wondering the same cotton-pickin' thing.

FORD (once again demonstrating why killing him off next season was maybe a good move): Well, there's this BIG STORM...

SHEPPARD: Whatever. Shut up and let me do my grown up special ops thing, Elizabeth's life's at stake.


[EXT. GROUNDING STATION 3 PIER]

Power lights up the whole unit. The Audience feels sorry for Weir and McKay considering how soaked to the skin they must be at this point. McWeir's squee a lot at the sight of Rodney and Elizabeth hugging.

KOLYA: While the shipping on this show completely confuses me, I have to admit it's pretty effective. Now fix the grounding thing.



[INT. ATLANTIS GROUNDING STATION]

Sora is on her way to do whatever it was she was going to do to John. She overhears the team talking, and probably should report that to Kolya, but like the Genii soldier she is, throws all her training out the window once she realizes that Teyla is with the group and stalks them instead.


[EXT. GROUNDING STATION 3]


McKay has fixed the generator.

MCKAY: Look, if this hasn't worked I just want to acknowledge all the shippy moments we spent out here were well appreciated.

WEIR: Do you see me wet and dripping out here? Just turn on the damn thing!

MCKAY: Yeah, but in case it doesn't...

AUDIENCE: Just turn on the damn thing!

The Grounding station disengages, to the great relief of everyone, especially the crew people who've been pelted with water for hours on end.

KOLYA: SWEET!

[INT. ATLANTIS CORRIDORS INTERCUT GROUND STATION]

For apparent filler, John and Rodney intercut a boring explanation, for the FOURTH TIME, of the lightning power plan. The Audience is so well schooled in this principle they could enact this plan themselves.

FORD: So basically if we stick around here we'll be fried to a crisp.

SHEPPARD: Bingo.

FORD: So we're headed to the Tower.

TEYLA: Where the Genii will also be.

SHEPPARD: Thank you, Captain Obvious.



[INT. ATLANTIS CONTROL ROOM]


Kolya has returned to the Control room. He notices that Sora isn't present and radios her.

SORA: Teyla's here. MY FATHER WILL BE AVENGED.

KOLYA (apparently has a soft spot for her petulantcy): Sora, the City isn't safe and the Storm is upon us.

WEIR and MCKAY (dripping in their soaking wet uniforms): You just now noticed that?

KOLYA: Your father will be avenged--

SORA: BY ME!

WEIR: Geez. You have even more problems with order giving than I do with my second in command, and we haven't even gotten to Hot Zone yet.

[INT. CORRIDORS OF ATLANTIS]


TEYLA: Will the hunters in the Jumper be safe?

AUDIENCE: Oh yeah, those guys. We forgot about them.

SHEPPARD: Jumper Bay is shielded.

FORD: SWEET. Let's head up there.

SHEPPARD: Uh, the entire point of my whole black ops thing was about Weir's being alive or not. What makes you think I'm going to not try and save her?

TEYLA (sweetly): Why would Kolya hurt them?

SHEPPARD: UH, I just killed 60+ of his men?

FORD: Right. What's the plan?

SHEPPARD: You and I, control room. Teyla and Beckett, Jumper Bay.

TEYLA: What? Why am I relegated to the Jumper Bay?

SPARKIES: Cuz this isn't your episode. Back off.

FANBOYS: AND WE NEED A CATFIGHT! CATFIGHT CATFIGHT!

SHEPPARD: Anyways, I'd like the somewhat inept doctor to lower a Jumper down into the control room and fire a couple of drones in there. That should be enough of a distraction.

AUDIENCE: Distraction? That'll blow up the Gateroom!

FORD: Sounds good!

They all take off, except Sheppard notes Ford's weapon.

SHEPPARD: What's up with that pansy thing? Have you not been paying attention? This ain't a stunning episode.

FORD: Rightttttttttttttt.

Aiden lays the gun on a set of boxes. The audience gets a good cutaway shot of that for who know what reason.

[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

WEIR: STALL, STALL!

KOLYA: GO! GO!

MCKAY: You got it on both counts. Weir, give me your codes.

WEIR: Sure. One, Two, Three, Four, Five...

MCKAY (in a voice just loud enough to imply to everyone that this isn't really a part of the procedure): AND THE SECOND SEQUENCE?


[INT. JUMPER BAY]


Beckett, still complaining about his role in this whole episode, is thankfully knocked out by Sora.

AUDIENCE: THANK YOU!

SORA: I'll kill this guy if you don't drop your weapons!

TEYLA (seriously contemplating for a second): Hmmmmm.

SORA puts the final tally on the ineptness of the Genii squad training as she opts to go for a knife fight with Teyla rather than just shoot her on the spot. Apparently Cowen should have listened to Kolya, and Kolya should have spent less time with the Bojutsu.

SORA: YOU KILLED MY FATHER! PREPARE TO DIE.

TEYLA: Hold on a minute, Inigo Montoya. Your father was the one who blew the mission.

SORA: I don't care! This one's for you, DADDY!

TEYLA: Okay, have it your way.



[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

Below the control room steps, Sheppard and Ford are patiently awaiting the Puddle Jumper 'distraction'.


[INT. JUMPER BAY]


Teyla and Sora are catfighting. Sora whips out her Inigo-lite knife. Teyla then whips out HER knife, which has all the hallmarks of Freudian symbolism despite it being two women fighting. Sora manages to land the first blow, cuz this is a catfight and there needs to be drama and sexy bleeding.

FANBOYS: SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET.



[INT. CONTROL ROOM]


KOLYA: Engage the Shield!

MCKAY: Don't you know how this works yet? You can't engage the shield ahead of the very last moment, that's not Atlantis style.

LADON: Really huge wave approaching from the west!

WEIR: Now THAT'S Atlantis style.

Rodney fiddles with the console, builds up to a dramatic moment, engages the shield and...

BOOP sound that obvious indicates failure.

MCKAY: Uh oh.

BOOP sound again.

MCKAY: It's not working!

KOLYA: You said it would work.

AUDIENCE: Actually, he never said it would work. Normally he doesn't.

MCKAY (stepping completely out of character by displaying a moment of brutal honestly): In case you didn't notice, I am arrogant and think all my plans will work!

Kolya does what everyone else has wanted to do to McKay from the start of the series and backhands him.

WEIR: I warned you! You can't run Atlantis unless you have someone to sit on your desk! See what happens when you don't honor the code!



[INT. JUMPER BAY]

Teyla and Sora are still fighting.

FANBOYS: CATFIGHT CATFIGHT CATFIGHT!



[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

KOLYA: Fine. IF I can't have windows, no one can. You're coming with us.

WEIR: Wait, what?

KOLYA: Apparently you're in high demand around here and I'd like to know why.

The remaining, like, two Genii soldiers grab Weir and McKay


[INT. JUMPER BAY]

Teyla and Sora are still fighting.

FANBOYS: CATFIGHT CATFIGHT CATFIGHT!




[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

Sheppard's perspective and Kolya's perspective finally overlap. Sparkies and McSheppers are back on the edges of their seats.

SHEPPARD (to Ford): You've got McKay.

MCSHEPPERS: BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

MCKAY (hoping to convince the Genii he's worthless by complaining them to death): Bad idea, BADDDDD idea.

SHeppard and Ford start shooting, sending the Gateroom into absolute Chaos. The audience is treated to a slightly wounded Ladon making it through the Gate, not-so-subtly implying that he is someone who will probably pop up again in the future.

In a wicked standoff, Kolya grabs Weir and uses her as a human shield as John starts to stalk across the Gateroom floor towards him. Sparky shippers are hyperventilating and need brown bags maintain their composure and make it through the rest of the scene.

SHEPPARD: YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

Contrary to Sheppard's assertion, Kolya continues back, despite Elizabeth's best impression of a rag doll.

SHEPPARD: I will shoot if you don't let her go.

AUDIENCE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. SUSPENSEFUL.

KOYLA: I totally get how this works. You won't risk Doctor Weir.

ELIZABETH: He is so going to have a problem understanding how we work, isn't he?

JOHN: You betcha.

John cracks a shot and hits Kolya in the shoulder, which forces him to drop Elizabeth and stumble an insane set of paces back into the wormhole, thereby elevating him to a recurring villain status.

John rushes up to Elizabeth.

JOHN: You Okay?

ELIZABETH: My City is sinking, I was held hostage by a man who stole my desk, hung me out in the rain for forty minutes, and nearly dragged me back to a water treatment facility. The short answer is no.

JOHN: But you liked my going ballistic on your behalf right?

ELIZABETH: That was kinda hot, yeah. Too bad the next time your ruthless side is shown I'll be a replicator hostage.

JOHN: Let's just focus on the little victories for now.

He grabs her hand for a period of time, which, thanks to weird editing, will be debated by shippers for years to come. Rodney is back up in the control center, about to really activate the shield for realz.

FORD: Wait, you were faking?

RODNEY: Way to show your intelligence quota is equivalent of that of a Genii.

SHEPPARD: Hold up, Teyla and Beckett are still out there.

AUDIENCE: Aren't they in a shielded part of the City?

SHEPPARD: This isn't Atlantis if we don't get to punch the button with only seconds to spare, remember?

AUDIENCE: Oh. Right.

MCKAY reverts to shades of SG-1 McKay and rolls his eyes.



[INT. JUMPER BAY CORRIDOR WHICH IS APPARENTLY UNSHIELDED]

Perhaps because sci-fi has always been thought a traditionally male demographic, the writers have determined that a Female Catfight is of more importance than a hostage standoff between the two-part episode's main bad guy and the two leads. Sora and Teyla continue to knife fight.

TEYLA: THIS IS STUPID!

AUDIENCE: Took the words right out of our mouths.

FANBOYS: Speak for yourselves!

SHEPPARD: Do I need to remind you that you're about to become Bacon?

AUDIENCE: Awww. Bacon boys. *sad faces*

Teyla strips Sora of her knife and puts her in a chokehold. Sora petulantly challenges the Athosian to kill her.

TEYLA: That is not my character and I am not prone to Out of Character behavior. Sorry.


[INT. CONTROL ROOM]


MCKAY: NO MORE TIME!

In the nick of time, Teyla, who somehow has convinced Sora to help her carry Beckett to safety, arrives in the control area.

WEIR: TIME!

Mckay punches the button. It makes a beep instead of a boop. The group stands around, surprisingly calm. The shield rises from the ocean, just in time to avert a City high tidal wave.

WEIR: Nice work, Rodney.

MCKAY: Did you ever doubt me?

WEIR: No. But I did question your in character moments.

SHEPPARD: New friend, Teyla?

TEYLA: Uh, were you around the whole last episode with the Genii?

The director gives us one last shot of Sora, which is fitting as this is the last time we'll ever see her, more than likely relegated to farming on the Genii homeworld after her poor showing as a second in command.

[Eri13]

Jeez...this takes four posts??

Spoiler:

[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

John and Elizabeth are standing close together on the inner balcony, watching people return from Manaria, which we hope will never again be considered an 'ally'.

Sparkies are watching with stars in their eyes, proclaiming this two-parter the best episode of anything they've ever seen. The ones with DVRs haven't actually gotten to this scene yet because they're still rewinding the stand-off.

JOHN: What do you want to do with curly?

ELIZABETH: I don't know. But I'll give you some sweet diplomatic answer so you can note how cute I am when I'm happy.

As so often happens, McKay sticks his head between them and interrupts.

ELIZABETH: How's the City holding up?

MCKAY: Oh, you know, the usual structural damage I have to mention to make such a dramatic episode look feasible. And since Beckett is out of commission, which means apparently there's no one else of medical competency on the base to bandage my arm, I've done it myself.

He holds up the bandaged arm, which, to remind us that Rodney will exchange random moments of bravery for random moments of stupidity in season 2, has been bandaged outside the jacket. Sheppard acknowledges with the 'McKay is stupid' smirk he will perfect in Season 2.

SHEPPARD: Well, McKay's eating, you're smiling diplomatically and I'm cracking stupid jokes. Seems like everything is pretty much back to normal.

MCSHEPPERS: NO, IT'S NOT.

MCWEIRS: NO, IT'S NOT.

SPARKYS: NO, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT!!!

MARTIN GERO WHISTLES CONTENTEDLY TO HIMSELF. BRAD WRIGHT AND ROB COOPER THROW HIM THE EVIL EYE FOR THE INTERTWINING CHARACTER MUDDLES THEY'LL HAVE TO WORK THROUGH FOR YEARS TO COME. THE GATEWORLD FORUMS EXPLODE WITH SHIPPER THREADS AND A COUPLE DEDICATED TO KOLYA'S SEXY 'DOCTOR WEIR' VOICE.

[Annelantis]

Speaking of Irresistible, I was watching the Stargate movie last night (which btw, stands the test of time, and movie Daniel is so hot) and one of the scientists was played by Richard Kind (Lucius Lavin). It's been so long since the last time I'd watched, I didn't know he was in it.

The Stargate movie is still great to watch. I did remember Lucius was in it. But I feel it is important to respond so I may agree that James Spader as Daniel Jackson was so cute. I remember going to the cinema to watch it at the time and I didn't know who he was. But I came out of the cinema with quite a crush. My husband as it turns out has had a man crush on Spader for years (and we both love him in Boston Legal) and while I did like Shanks as Daniel it took time for me to accept him into first place. I always thought RDA was better than Kurt Russell, though.

[Scary Kitty]

*rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at Eri's awesomely badass rewriting of The Eye*

That. Was. EPIC!

[Luz]

I can't recall if Eri did a snark version of Irresistible or not (though I definitely remember one of Lifeline that was absolutely hilarious), and I couldn't find it in a search, but if you're looking for laughs it's hard to beat zero point snark. (Sorry. I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I figured I'd answer anyway.)

Also, I come bearing another vid rec! This one's really well done and there's some cool moments when it looks like Lizzie was in Vegas.

Spoiler:

Oh zeropointsnark the great fandom of yore. Their recaps were hilarious.

Thanks for the rec, that was a great vid.

[Sequoia Hope]

*rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at Eri's awesomely badass rewriting of The Eye*

That. Was. EPIC!

Must second that.

[mandogater]

Jeez...this takes four posts??

Spoiler:

[INT. CONTROL ROOM]

John and Elizabeth are standing close together on the inner balcony, watching people return from Manaria, which we hope will never again be considered an 'ally'.

Sparkies are watching with stars in their eyes, proclaiming this two-parter the best episode of anything they've ever seen. The ones with DVRs haven't actually gotten to this scene yet because they're still rewinding the stand-off.

JOHN: What do you want to do with curly?

ELIZABETH: I don't know. But I'll give you some sweet diplomatic answer so you can note how cute I am when I'm happy.

As so often happens, McKay sticks his head between them and interrupts.

ELIZABETH: How's the City holding up?

MCKAY: Oh, you know, the usual structural damage I have to mention to make such a dramatic episode look feasible. And since Beckett is out of commission, which means apparently there's no one else of medical competency on the base to bandage my arm, I've done it myself.

He holds up the bandaged arm, which, to remind us that Rodney will exchange random moments of bravery for random moments of stupidity in season 2, has been bandaged outside the jacket. Sheppard acknowledges with the 'McKay is stupid' smirk he will perfect in Season 2.

SHEPPARD: Well, McKay's eating, you're smiling diplomatically and I'm cracking stupid jokes. Seems like everything is pretty much back to normal.

MCSHEPPERS: NO, IT'S NOT.

MCWEIRS: NO, IT'S NOT.

SPARKYS: NO, IT'S DEFINITELY NOT!!!

MARTIN GERO WHISTLES CONTENTEDLY TO HIMSELF. BRAD WRIGHT AND ROB COOPER THROW HIM THE EVIL EYE FOR THE INTERTWINING CHARACTER MUDDLES THEY'LL HAVE TO WORK THROUGH FOR YEARS TO COME. THE GATEWORLD FORUMS EXPLODE WITH SHIPPER THREADS AND A COUPLE DEDICATED TO KOLYA'S SEXY 'DOCTOR WEIR' VOICE.

Dang. I still can't green you, Eri. So mental green for gateraid level snarkiness.

[Luz]

The Stargate movie is still great to watch. I did remember Lucius was in it. But I feel it is important to respond so I may agree that James Spader as Daniel Jackson was so cute. I remember going to the cinema to watch it at the time and I didn't know who he was. But I came out of the cinema with quite a crush. My husband as it turns out has had a man crush on Spader for years (and we both love him in Boston Legal) and while I did like Shanks as Daniel it took time for me to accept him into first place. I always thought RDA was better than Kurt Russell, though.

Movie Jackson was delish.