How Would You Conquer Earth?

[Asgard-VA]

Situation: You are a Goa'uld system lord and you have just been ticked off by those pesking earthlings known as SG-1. You want to raise your status among the other system lords by finally ridding the galaxy of this "menace." You know all stories about how others have tried before and failed and you are determined not to repeat their mistakes.

Ground rules: Just to set some boundaries, you have at your disposal three mother ships (that's your fleet, so you may not want to risk it all since you may have other enemies to deal with) with full compliments of death gliders and assault troops. You also have access to other Gou'ald technologies seen in the series and can put several technologies together in new, clever ways. You can come up with completely new weapon types based on other technologies (maybe even speculate about something that might be scavenged from the little known Furlings). You DO NOT have access to Asgard, Ancient, or Nox technology or their weapons.

Question: What is your evil plan to rid the galaxy of the Tau'ri?

[ShadowMaat]

Will have to sleep on it, but the most obvious question is, do I actually have to conquer the planet or can I simply destroy it?

[Asgard-VA]

Fair enough question. Okay, let's open it to either conquering or destroying--whatever seems like more fun in an evil sort of way.

[Red_Rabbit]

OK to start off I would dial the earth gate 7 days before my strike, keeping it open for 38 mins and do this at the same time everyday till the attack. On the day of attack I would position all 3 of my mother ships outside of the range that the sgc can see, then sending a cloaked scout ship in i would have it scan for naquada/naquadria. Once all site were found bombers with gliders would be sent in at the same time as the gate was dialed. As soon as every site containing naquada was taken out military bases would be taken out from the motherships from space. With gliders to take out anything left in the air or on the ground. At this time the gate would be about to shut down, knowing the timingi would dial the earth gate from another planet so that the second the gate shutdown it would reopen with an incoming wormhole. With most of the military forces taken out it would be a matter of cleaning up. I would not conquer I would destroy, taking out the SGC from space first then on the ground, from there it's over with and I have one. That is unless the asgard come and well then i'm dead, but hey i tried.

[KokiriChild]

Yeah, that's a wikkid plan - but remember, you cannot *directly* attack because of the Asgard protected planets treaty.

I'd simply get one of the races under my control to ship a tonne of replicators through the Stargate, and to fly a fleet of gliders to land on Earth, all containing replicators, just basically overrun the planet with replicators, then fly into Earth-space and explode their sun... That outta sort out them ba'asts

[Flyboy]

Personally, I would rally all my Jaffa that have got matured symbiotes and take the three cloaked ships to different land masses; America, asia/europe and and Africa. Then I would deposit thousands of Goa'uld symbiotes into the water supplies or oceans. Then I'd let the parasites spread untilmost of the human race are goa'uld. Following that I would drop Goa'uld troops on each continent to launch a phycial attack, then the newly "sired" earthlings would rally to our side and we would have most of earth under our control. From there, we'd either kill or infect every other earthling.

[Mio]

Start by raiding both Tollan, and Tollana...see if the tollans forgot anything.

Develop a plague, send it through the stargate....make it look like a message from the Tollan, saying how they are migrating or something, and how they just passed a world with a gate, and had time to send the message through. make sure it has a HUGE incubation period (several weeks) before killing, and is undetectable by current earth technology.

[jmoore032000]

Go in a clocked scout ship and deliver a virus to the population

[Anubis]

Dial the gate, send through a laser beam like in Redemption and blow up the Iris. Then send through troops and bombs to blow up the SGC. After this bring in the fleet and start blowing up the planet

[ShadowMaat]

Cut a deal with Nirrti. Give her a couple of bodies from Revanna. She can keep and utilize whatever knowledge she gains from the autopsies if she'll reverse engineer the plague that killed the goa'uld on Revanna and then modify it to be fatal (but slow-acting) to pure humans.

Capture Sam's dad. Torture him a bit. Rough up my First Prime and convince Dad that he, too, is being tortured. Let them bond. Infect Dad with the plague while he's unconscious and let it incubate. Allow SG-1 find out about Dad so they come and rescue him... And Dad convinces them to rescue my First Prime, too. Allow them to escape, taking Dad (and FP) back to Earth to unleash the plague. With luck, the plague will escape the Base before they realize what's happening. If it doesn't, that's OK, too. My First Prime will use a smuggled naquada bomb to blow up the stargate... and probably a good portion of Cheyenne Mountain, too. He dies with honor.

While this is happening, have at least one of my motherships practice maneuvers in Tau'ri space- not doing anything that violates the treaty, just innocent practicing, but enough to keep Stargate Command (or what's left of it) distracted and nervous. Arrange for an "accident" that will send a damaged alkesh careening into Earth orbit. If the Tau'ri don't shoot it down themselves, it'll explode when it hits atmosphere... unleashing more of the plague.

Have my motherships embargo the planet, disrupting any attempts at long range communication and fending off any ships that try to get through. Claim (truthfully) that a virulent plague is loose on the planet and it isn't safe to visit. Produce or show footage of victims of the original virus and claim that the Tau'ri were the ones developing the virus and that they've fallen victim to their own fiendish plans. With luck, it'll seed enough doubt among the Tok'ra to make them question what they thought they knew.

Sit back and wait.

Even if I don't manage to wipe out the entire planet, I should be able to do some severe damage and leave the Tau'ri weakened enough that I can conquer them at my leisure.

The Asgard could be a problem. I may have to develop contingency plans to keep them busy.

Oh yeah. And kill Nirrti as soon as I have what I want.

[Mr Prophet]

Land agents in a cloaked teltac or three with several sarcophagi and a big box of shiny beads...I mean, technological trinkets.

Subborn a series of politicians and celebrity backers with the promise of power/eternal youth, health and beauty. Deploy agents using Hathor's pheromone breath to smear with your political pawns' opponents and supply them with technology that will allow them to appear to be backing concerns producing exciting new developments.

In the meantime, launch a series of hit-and-run raids against the SGC's allies offworld to keep Hammond and the crew looking the wrong way.

Get your candidates voted into power with the support of your business partners and celebrity pundits. Immediately have Kinsey placed in charge of the SGC, basically just to keep the whole lot busy.

Have the US declare war on the rest of the world, starting with 'popular' targets ('rogue states' and, if possible, communists) and moving on to the Chinese and the French. Eventually have the US be at war with the entire world - except the UK who are, of course, still their *****es - before anyone really notices. Get the military members of the SGC into the war effort and pull a Uriah the Hittite on them.

Even if the US can't beat everyone at once - especially likely if you've backed some of their rivals as well, CIA-style - no-one is in any state to stop you rolling in and enforcing your will.

Oh; and your puppet President would of course pull out of the PPT, just in case.

Land your flagship on the Great Pyramid and declare yourself Emperor.

Check shields.

Invite all and sundry to 'come and have a go if they think they're hard enough'.

Ambush and kill anyone who tries to take out any of your cloned doubles and/or lookalikes. Not that they look like you; you're living happily as an anonymous functionary while a series of goons turn out not to be you.

Follow the evil overlord's handbook wherever practical and laugh maniacally in the privacy of your own rooms.

[Livi2Jack]

1. destroy caffeinated beverages.
2. destroy the sugar crop.
3. add food coloring to everything.
4. poke a bigger hole in the ozone layer.
5. start a fad diet requiring donuts, french fries and potato chips. And tell them to super size it.
6. put a sterilizing substance in the fertilizer in 3rd world countries. Then tell them the Americans did it.
7. melt the ice caps, then kill Kevin Costner and burn Waterworld.
8. corner the market on chocolate and destroy it all.
9. make naquadah generators widely available at local hobby stores.
10. send plague virus in various delivery vehicles. ebola comes to mind...then put RDA/Jack on an airliner as the captain with a passenger who dies with what looks like the flu...oh, sorry, he made that movie.

I could go on. You don't need to clobber them, just use some finesse.

[Odens återkomst]

Biowarfare, a la Nirrti's attack in "Singularity" or the attempted attack of the Aschen. Wipe out the entire population.

But, I wouldn't be a Goa'uld, I'd be a Asgard scientist (Loki)

[Teal'c]

Kidnap Luke, make him a Za'tarc. Then you've got the galaxies deadliest killing machine. Give him a cloak and let him loose, after convincing him Sam has been murdered... (I'll actually have taken Sam as a host for my queen )

[Happy Fun Ball]

The quickest and surest way to wipe out the earth is to simply toss a Stargate dialed to the black hole planet into the sun. If you drop it from behind the sun, then by the time they realize what's going on, Mercury, and maybe Venus, would already have been vaporized.