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**Alteran of Atlantis** · 29 September 2009, 05:13 PM

Originally posted by Lantean General View Post

Stargate Aurora

In has been 98 years since High Councillor Didact declared war on the Wraith in the name of the Lantean Domain, their heroic actions have been herculean in effort but the Wraith are all but winning the war. Hundreds of vessels have been destroyed, dozens of planets have been stripped of life. Millions of humans have died in the battles that have raged across the galaxy...

This is the story of the crew of the LWS Aurora, their struggles and adventures as their civilisation collapses around them, as their government becomes nothing but uncaring villains that would sacrifice hundreds and thousands of lives to save themselves. The fan fic itself is set in the SG-verse but I’ve been told it has a Battlestar flair to it. ..which is either good or bad, depends on your definition. So yeah, tell me what you think...How I could improve, your likes, dislikes etc...I'm just here to regulate funkyness.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5387051/...pisode_1_Pilot

Wow, first post.

Love this fic, I think it shows the Lanteans very well. I like the crew of the Aurora, too, you showed Trebal exactly how I had imagined her. Sacrastic.

I hope more people take an interest in this, it's really good.

Love how Janus is included, by the way.

**Guest** · 29 September 2009, 05:18 PM

I bookmarked this the other day on FF.net and was meaning to read it... Hmmm i'll give it a go either later tonight or tomorrow and post my thoughts

Just read a bit of the first chapter, and yeah

it's got a definite BSG feel to it.

I'm curious as to why an Aurora would have a CAG though... It's not like they have fighters and Jumpers are more transports than anything.

I'll give this a read tonight definitely. Got a twisted ankle so i'm laid up reading and writing anyway

**Alteran of Atlantis** · 29 September 2009, 05:25 PM

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1 View Post

I bookmarked this the other day on FF.net and was meaning to read it... Hmmm i'll give it a go either later tonight or tomorrow and post my thoughts

Just read a bit of the first chapter, and yeah

it's got a definite BSG feel to it.

I'm curious as to why an Aurora would have a CAG though... It's not like they have fighters and Jumpers are more transports than anything.

I'll give this a read tonight definitely. Got a twisted ankle so i'm laid up reading and writing anyway

Well they probably use the Jumpers as fighters. The Wraith ships have fighters, it would make sense for the Alterans to have them too.

**Guest** · 29 September 2009, 05:34 PM

Originally posted by Alteran of Atlantis View Post

Well they probably use the Jumpers as fighters. The Wraith ships have fighters, it would make sense for the Alterans to have them too.

This discussion has been had before. Drones would be the equivalent of fighters because a single drone can take out many wraith darts without having to expose a pilot to the danger.

I've often wondered though if the Lanteans had Fighter/Bombers. A craft capable of cloaking and delivering pinpoint strikes against well defended atmospheric targets. Think of it like an F-117 Stealth Fighter. Not necessarily bigger than a Jumper, but more armored and perhaps single seat.

**Alteran of Atlantis** · 29 September 2009, 05:50 PM

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1 View Post

This discussion has been had before. Drones would be the equivalent of fighters because a single drone can take out many wraith darts without having to expose a pilot to the danger.

I've often wondered though if the Lanteans had Fighter/Bombers. A craft capable of cloaking and delivering pinpoint strikes against well defended atmospheric targets. Think of it like an F-117 Stealth Fighter. Not necessarily bigger than a Jumper, but more armored and perhaps single seat.

I would imagine they do have fighters. Drones are more of a weapon than a fighter, I think, but that is an interesting idea. Jumpers are probably one type of fighter, I'd imagine they could serve many purposes, fighter, transport, scout, ect.

**Guest** · 29 September 2009, 06:05 PM

Originally posted by Alteran of Atlantis View Post

I would imagine they do have fighters. Drones are more of a weapon than a fighter, I think, but that is an interesting idea. Jumpers are probably one type of fighter, I'd imagine they could serve many purposes, fighter, transport, scout, ect.

I really don't think they have a fighter. The concept of sending pilots out in an easily destroyable ship when you have technology like Drones isn't exactly very "Enlightened"

Especially considering that Hives carry hundreds of darts compared to how many an Aurora would carry.

Shows like BSG have a good reason for having fighters. The bigger ships are big targets and sport heavier weapons. a fighter would serve as a CAP to prevent a small strike force from getting close and firing nukes. Think of the miniseries when Starbuck takes out the nukes incoming but can't take them all out. Opposite is true too, a small strike force can take out hard targets because it can carry heavier wepaons as well (Think Apollo taking out the Tylium Refinery or the Strike on the Hub in Season 4)

An Aurora wouldn't have that problem seeing as it has drones that can serve that same purpose. Why risk a pilot's life when a Drone that is easily rebuildable can do the job more effectively?

I'll admit, the concept of the fighter jockey is romantic

but i can't see the Lanteans having a true "Fighter/Interceptor".

But like i said, Drones have limitations. Say a Wraith outpost is doing barbaric research but there's 20 hives in orbit. To launch a mass attack would be a waste of resources for a relatively small target. A cloaked fighter/bomber with hyperspace capability would be able to jump in, cloak, drop its munitions and jump out with much less risk to resources and lives.

War is a business... it's just that cost margins = lives.

**Guest** · 29 September 2009, 09:35 PM

Alright, i've just read everything you've got so far (Episode 1 Chapter 1-4)

Writing Quality: 8/10
It's good quality, your writing shows that you have talent in describing characters and the way they think, there is definitely a nBSG feel to teh story (especially with all the little references like flak fire, the Ragnar Anchorage holding action, the one fighter pilot finding the hive ships outside the planet/nebula among other things)

The flashbacks may be a littl excessive though, unless it's a "flashback" episode, i really recommend you keep them to a minumum. The way you brought back canon characters like Helia, Moros, and others is a nice touch, bt i think you're making Moros a bit too much of a B-tard.

This is not necessarily bad, but it does detract from the story in my opinion as when i read it, i see the Galactica fighting off Cylon basestars in my head instead of the Aurora fighting off the Hives.

A little more detail of the actual fight would have been nice as well, but too much detail can bog the story down.

The Characters:7/10
While well fleshed out and believable as characters, i can't bring myself to see them as Lanteans. For one, they use vernacular that people from Earth would use "Kiana teaching Salsa Lessons"? That really threw me off for a moment.

I'm not saying have them speak like king arthur and the round table, but when they start swearing and cursing at each other it really breaks the fourth wall as we've never seen Lanteans do that.

While it is only the first episode, the characters on the ship seem to be the best chosen for it. You've got hte wise and moral captain, the hotshot CAG, etc etc... It seems like the characters were built for the roles instead of finding their place in the ship.

You did do a good job showing their camaraderie and i CAN see them as the crew. So good job!

The Story: 6/10
it was a little confusing with teh flashbacks, If Atlantis (Not Atlantus) was attacked 18 years ago and put under seige, how did Renatus get to the Aurora? It's a little vague exactly how things happened in teh 18 year difference. Did Atlantis defend itself somehow? But you mentioned the Wraith destroying the peace envoy that we saw in "Before I Sleep". Kinda confusing.

But as far as the main story, maybe it's just my own wide range of story knowledge, but i sort of see a mix of Halo 2 (chasing down the heretic as the Arbiter) along with the Ragnar Anchorage as far as the planet. This is not a bad thing,but it did seem rather convenient.

I'm hoping the next episode will be better as far as plot, but this one isn't a bad mix. I actually enjoyed the idea.

Final thoughts: 7/10
In conclusion, i think this story has alot more potential than you've given it so far, but then again, this IS just the first episode, you're setting up your characters, their backgrounds, their stories, and their personalities as well as the foils they have to counter.

If you can come up with interesting storylines about the adventures of the Aurora in the last days of the war, then i think this could be quite a good read.

Advice:
Constructively i say to back away a little from the more obvious BSG references, try and come up with some "Lantean" style vernacular (slang), use flashbacks sparingly, and keep writing as you've got great potential in this story. So far it's alotbetter than most series i've tried to read based on OCs (which admittedly i don't like) but yours managed to keep my attention throughout most of it. (Thiis is high praise from me as i typically DETEST OCs)

I will admit i kinda went "Yeah right" when Renatus told off the council. It seemed a little farfetched but mostly because i don't know the character too well. The same when he decided to do teh whole "Galactica" holding off the cylons while the civilians got away.

I do have a few questions though:

How dark is this story going to become?
Will we be seeing combined fleet action?
A little timeline on the ship and how it came to be where it is now would be nice.
Will we be seeing the Tria and Hyppofalkus? (Always just called it the hungry hungry hippo)
Are we going to see the birth of the Travelers? (I think that would be an AWESOME storyline.)

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or even just wanna bounce an idea.

**AVFan** · 29 September 2009, 09:39 PM

I just got finished with it. Very well written. I just got confused by the names a little, although that's probably to be expected. A couple thoughts:

I would have rather had info from the TV show be integrated more slowly. It seemed like you were trying to squash it all in at once (Janus's secret lab, Hippaforalkus, Moros, Janus in general, etc). I'm not saying that you shouldn't have used any of them, but by using them all now, you're limiting the "OH I know what that is!!" fan factor.
I liked that you made the Lantians 'human', rather than stuck up jerks like from The Return.

Overall, very good. Usually I get lost in stories where I have no point of reference (yes, I know this had sort of one), but I was able to keep up with this one relatively easily.

**bradly08** · 30 September 2009, 07:56 AM

so far so good, it is a good story but yea, you should tone down on the similarity to BSG. All in all its very good.

**Lantean General** · 30 September 2009, 08:05 AM

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1 View Post

War is a business... it's just that cost margins = lives.

CAG may have been the wrong type of word to use...The Aurora has a special trained group of pilots, and the 'CAG' commands them?...The Jumpers serve as shuttles, scoutships, smaller cargo vessels etc.

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1;10653309

Alright, i've just read everything you've got so far (Episode 1 Chapter 1-4)

Writing Quality: 8/10
It's good quality, your writing shows that you have talent in describing characters and the way they think, there is definitely a nBSG feel to teh story (especially with all the little references like flak fire, the Ragnar Anchorage holding action, the one fighter pilot finding the hive ships outside the planet/nebula among other things)

The flashbacks may be a littl excessive though, unless it's a "flashback" episode, i really recommend you keep them to a minumum. The way you brought back canon characters like Helia, Moros, and others is a nice touch, bt i think you're making Moros a bit too much of a B-tard.

This is not necessarily bad, but it does detract from the story in my opinion as when i read it, i see the Galactica fighting off Cylon basestars in my head instead of the Aurora fighting off the Hives.

A little more detail of the actual fight would have been nice as well, but too much detail can bog the story down.

Don’t worry, I have no intention of doing anymore flashbacks in this story...in fact, it was a toss up whether or not to have the Captain explain how he came to be ‘the Captain’ or have the flashbacks...I now think it was wrong to choose the latter as I think it broke some of the tension, especially in the battle. Yeah, I wish I had done more on the fight too now...

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1 View Post

The Characters:7/10
While well fleshed out and believable as characters, i can't bring myself to see them as Lanteans. For one, they use vernacular that people from Earth would use "Kiana teaching Salsa Lessons"? That really threw me off for a moment.

I'm not saying have them speak like king arthur and the round table, but when they start swearing and cursing at each other it really breaks the fourth wall as we've never seen Lanteans do that.

While it is only the first episode, the characters on the ship seem to be the best chosen for it. You've got hte wise and moral captain, the hotshot CAG, etc etc... It seems like the characters were built for the roles instead of finding their place in the ship.

You did do a good job showing their camaraderie and i CAN see them as the crew. So good job!

It was the only dance I could think of that sounded somewhat ‘Alien’ but still had a grounding in the real world ?
Thanks for the advice on the language, I agree it was a bad idea to use human expletives but I still want to make their dialogue slightly rougher than the language that we’ve seen so far, we’ve heard two councillors, a scientist and a bunch of ascended ancients, Helia, a guard, an engineer and Renatus speak in show...in most cases it was very diplomatically motivated language “Welcome to the city of Atlantis.”, “This is Captain Helia of the Lantean warship Tria” etc. Because these Lanteans are a crew together, they’re a lot a bit ‘rougher’ with each other than their High Council counterparts.
Hmmn...Would you think it would work better if I used Latin expletives in place of their English counterparts? For those in the know it would still be rough but even for those that don’t speak Latin it would still be clear that they’re a military ship, and it would teach the kids a bunch of new swear words!

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1 View Post

The Story: 6/10
it was a little confusing with teh flashbacks, If Atlantis (Not Atlantus) was attacked 18 years ago and put under seige, how did Renatus get to the Aurora? It's a little vague exactly how things happened in teh 18 year difference. Did Atlantis defend itself somehow? But you mentioned the Wraith destroying the peace envoy that we saw in "Before I Sleep". Kinda confusing.

But as far as the main story, maybe it's just my own wide range of story knowledge, but i sort of see a mix of Halo 2 (chasing down the heretic as the Arbiter) along with the Ragnar Anchorage as far as the planet. This is not a bad thing,but it did seem rather convenient.

I'm hoping the next episode will be better as far as plot, but this one isn't a bad mix. I actually enjoyed the idea.
.

Battlestar Galactica, yes I could see that...Halo 2, no...that one I didn’t see lol. I’ll PM you on the other things.

Originally posted by Aragon101/Loneranger-1;10653309}
[B

Final thoughts: 7/10[/B]
In conclusion, i think this story has alot more potential than you've given it so far, but then again, this IS just the first episode, you're setting up your characters, their backgrounds, their stories, and their personalities as well as the foils they have to counter.

If you can come up with interesting storylines about the adventures of the Aurora in the last days of the war, then i think this could be quite a good read.

Advice:
Constructively i say to back away a little from the more obvious BSG references, try and come up with some "Lantean" style vernacular (slang), use flashbacks sparingly, and keep writing as you've got great potential in this story. So far it's alotbetter than most series i've tried to read based on OCs (which admittedly i don't like) but yours managed to keep my attention throughout most of it. (Thiis is high praise from me as i typically DETEST OCs)

I will admit i kinda went "Yeah right" when Renatus told off the council. It seemed a little farfetched but mostly because i don't know the character too well. The same when he decided to do teh whole "Galactica" holding off the cylons while the civilians got away.
.

Wow, thanks I’ll make sure to take all of this to heart.

Originally posted by AVFan View Post

I would have rather had info from the TV show be integrated more slowly. It seemed like you were trying to squash it all in at once (Janus's secret lab, Hippaforalkus, Moros, Janus in general, etc). I'm not saying that you shouldn't have used any of them, but by using them all now, you're limiting the "OH I know what that is!!" fan factor.

Overall, very good. Usually I get lost in stories where I have no point of reference (yes, I know this had sort of one), but I was able to keep up with this one relatively easily.

Yes I know what you mean; it was something of a balancing act to be perfectly honest. On the one hand they still pretty much us but on the other they’re THE ANCIENTS....I think I may have subconsciously realised that I was writing them abit too human and so added these known characters...But yeah, I was blind but now I see lol. I shall lay off the high council for a while.

...
Thanks everyone...I’ll take your suggestions to heart when I’m writing the next instalment.

**Alteran of Atlantis** · 30 September 2009, 12:06 PM

Originally posted by Lantean General View Post

It was the only dance I could think of that sounded somewhat ‘Alien’ but still had a grounding in the real world ?
Thanks for the advice on the language, I agree it was a bad idea to use human expletives but I still want to make their dialogue slightly rougher than the language that we’ve seen so far, we’ve heard two councillors, a scientist and a bunch of ascended ancients, Helia, a guard, an engineer and Renatus speak in show...in most cases it was very diplomatically motivated language “Welcome to the city of Atlantis.”, “This is Captain Helia of the Lantean warship Tria” etc. Because these Lanteans are a crew together, they’re a lot a bit ‘rougher’ with each other than their High Council counterparts.
Hmmn...Would you think it would work better if I used Latin expletives in place of their English counterparts? For those in the know it would still be rough but even for those that don’t speak Latin it would still be clear that they’re a military ship, and it would teach the kids a bunch of new swear words!

That was the only thing that got me, was the Salsa thing. I don't think they'd have a Salsa dance, they probably have their own dances and they're called different things. Loved how you made the joke, though, it was pretty funny. LOL using Latin words would be funny, I don't know Latin but I want to.

You might want to make them word their sentances a bit different, though, because as we've seen in SG-1 and Atlantis, all the planets they go to talk a bit differently. Like the Jaffa, and the Athosians, for instance.

**Lantean General** · 30 September 2009, 12:39 PM

Originally posted by Alteran of Atlantis View Post

That was the only thing that got me, was the Salsa thing. I don't think they'd have a Salsa dance, they probably have their own dances and they're called different things. Loved how you made the joke, though, it was pretty funny. LOL using Latin words would be funny, I don't know Latin but I want to.

You might want to make them word their sentances a bit different, though, because as we've seen in SG-1 and Atlantis, all the planets they go to talk a bit differently. Like the Jaffa, and the Athosians, for instance.

The Dance is now the Van'tu!

"How do you Van'tu?"
"Well, madame...I thought we'd go for dinner first."

I will definately make sure to work on Lantean phoenetics for next time.

**Alteran of Atlantis** · 30 September 2009, 01:02 PM

Originally posted by Lantean General View Post

The Dance is now the Van'tu!

"How do you Van'tu?"
"Well, madame...I thought we'd go for dinner first."

I will definately make sure to work on Lantean phoenetics for next time.

LOL that makes more sense.

Yeah, they probably have their own style of talking, the way you write them right now makes them sound like people from Earth rather than Ancients.

**Crazy Tom** · 01 October 2009, 01:25 PM

Defiantly go for Latin swearing.

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