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lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 9th, 2004, 07:03 PM
I have been trying to come up with a cool little spin-off of my own for several weeks now, and i think i've got most of it done (Not that all of it is here). Anyway, this spin-off is yet again about a group of Tau'ri explorers who embark on a journey to a galaxy far, far away. Except, they dont operate from a base on a certain planet, they operate from a ship: The Dauntless, or as it is known by the crew, the Caleum Star. This ship is more advanced than anything the people of earth have ever built. it contains tech form four races and can sustain a crew of several hundered for almost 2 years. (Don't worry, the ship isnt stranded in another galaxy, so they can go back to earth periodically). But anyway, as you might have guessed, the ship is sent to the Caleum Galaxy, in search of knowledge and some real, live ancients. The reason for going is this: Scientists at atlantis base discovered a star map, showing all of the area covered by the ancients, which is: the Milky, the Pegusas Galaxy, the Triangulanium Galaxy and the Caleum galaxy. It also mentioned that a base of unkown location in the Caleum fog, a dense nebula stretching for thousands of lightyears, holds the last of the Ancient pepole of that galaxy. So, the tau'ri, with their sense for adventure and bottomless pocketbooks build the Star, as it is called, with the help of the asgard and scientists from atlantis. they finally strap in the asgard hyperdrive they gave us for helping them on orellia and embark on 2 week journey to the edge of the Caleum galaxy, for there is no stargate in the other 3 galaxies to reach there. they do all sorts of stuff which ill write about tommorrow, but for now, i'll give you the specs on the ship, and by the way, an F-308 is an advanced '302, with 6 naqueda missiles, a shield generator and a single "glider gun". (By the way, in the movie, when the gate has been forst activated, and a malp is sent through, some lady yells out something like "god, its in the claeum galaxy", of course, they didn't follow through with that idea.)


Dauntless; the Caleum Star
Armament: 8 Ha'tak Gun Turrets, 10 Naquedah Missile Tubes, 8 Ancient Drone Weapon Ports, 2 Vulcan Cannon Turrets, Anti-Replicator Weapon
Shielding: Asgard Shielding (Comprable to that of the Prometheus)
Hull Material: Naquedah/Trinium/Titanium Plating
Total Compliment: 250
Troop Capacity: 25 SG Teams (100 People)
Power Source: Z.P.M., Naquedah Backup Generator
Engines: 2 Ion Drive Sublight Thrusters, Asgard Hyperdrive System, Maneuvering Thrusters
Total Hangar Capacity: 32 F-308 Fighters, 2 Ancient Puddlejumpers, 1 Talloran Scoutship
Main Rooms: Main Bridge, Infirmary, Two Ring Rooms, Engineering, Commander's Quarters, First Officer's Quaters, 124 Crew Quarters (2 Crew Per Room), 12 Guest Quarters, 2 Hangars, Comissary (Mess Hall), Crew Louge, 2 Fitness Facilities, Stargate Room, Map Room, Multiple Storage Closets, Armory, Z.P.M. Chamber, 2 Science Labs, 3 Cargo Bays
Technologies Used: Tau'ri, Asgard, Goa'uld, Ancient
Main Accessories: Hull Bracers (To keep ship from disentigrating upon impact with a planet), Caleum Stargate and DHD, 2 Ring Transporters, Escape Pods, Cloaking Device, Naqueda Generator Self-Destruct Mechanism, Ancient Mind Interface for all Bridge Officers, Long Range Communication System
Commanding Officer: General Peter Barrows

Tell me if you like what you see or think i need to work on and why!!!

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 10th, 2004, 06:59 AM
why have 34 people visited this thread, but not one has answered? i told you, if you dont like what you see, tell me! :eek:

ShadowMaat
October 10th, 2004, 12:06 PM
Doesn't mean people hate it, all it means is that no one has anything to contribute to the thread. *shrug*

The armament/ship listing makes it sound more like an RPG thing than a fic idea. Usually the characters are considered more important than the chunk of metal they're flying around in. ;) At least, I care more about the characters. Can't speak for the rest of humanity on that one.

If the ship is named Dauntless, why are they calling it Caelum's Star? Yes, I get that they're in the Caelum galaxy, but in my experience, the crew usually makes up a nickname for their ship based on the actual NAME of the ship- the Prometheus is the Prommie, Andromeda is Rommie, Saratoga is 'Toga, etc. Why make up an entirely new name for a ship, especially one that's longer and more difficult than the original name? Maybe you're homaging something that I'm not getting...

"The most advanced ship in the galaxy" is all well and good, but it sounds a bit like a Mary Sue in ship form. I hope the Dauntless/Star will turn out to have its share of problems, because a perfect ship isn't a lot of fun to watch. Well, again, I don't think a perfect ship is fun to watch. ;)

The "dense fog" thing is becoming a bit cliche. At least in the Trek franchise. ;) Make sure you give it its own twist. Also not sure I'd say that the Tau'ri have bottomless pockets. Most of the ones I know (particularly governments) are very Scroogelike when it comes to money. Which brings up another question: When you say "Tau'ri" do you mean that this is an international effort or is it strictly a US Air Force/military project? Has this crew been together for a while, or are they all new? A new crew in a new ship has some good possibilities, IMO. Especially if the ship they're in is supposed to be the "most advanced ship in the galaxy". You can put a very Titanic spin on that. :D A new crew- particularly an international one- would be a recipe for conflict and misunderstanding: the building blocks of good storytelling. Add in a buggy ship and you could have something good, there. I like the reference back to the original movie.

I say go for it. Of course, you should go for it no matter whan anyone says. It's YOU idea, YOU run with it and to hell with what anyone else says. As long as YOU are having a good time with it, that's all that matters. :)

Good luck.

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 10th, 2004, 12:20 PM
thanks for responding and telling what you thought. about the list of everyingthing on the ship, thats just a thing that ive learned to do; i like lists. they make me feel like things are more oganized. i never looked at it like it could be an rpg. about the name, caleum star, i forgot to mention it doesnt get htat name until later, and the fog, i thought that it was a cool idea, because its a place where the ancients could hide out and be safe from all sorts of stuff, like the wraith and the enemy, who i dont have a name for yet. like i said, ill write more on this, and hope that you and many others will respond. once again, many thanks for responding. ( oh yeah, i dont mean for the ship to sound perfect, i just sometimes like to guild the lily, if you know what i mean, and yes, its a crew who have never seen each other before, so i agree with what you said about that being interesting.)
:cool:

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 10th, 2004, 01:13 PM
The Characters:
General Peter Barrows: Barrows is a two -star general with the air force who was given the oppurtuninty to command the Dauntless before it was even built. he had some knowledge of the satgate program, but not of its immensity. The general was considered for command of the SGC when Hammond temporarily retired in "chain reaction", but was passed over. He has been a general for almost 10 years and always seems to be prepared for anything. He hopes that his new command will be better than any other (for, it will) and that his crew can learn to trust him from the beggining, something he learns is not easy.
Colonel Alexandra Fischer: Alex, as she is called by some, is the commander of Caleum 1, the equivalent to SG-1 on this ship. Along with this duty, she is the second officer of the Dauntless(like mr Data and the enterprise). Fischer was formerly an officer onbaord the Prometheus, during the battle of earth, against anubis. She served for several months on an SG team in what we know as season 8 as a major, but was promoted just before she was offered a place onboard the Dauntless. one interesting fact is that she passed up the chance to go on the atlantis expedition, although she didn't hear from Gen. O'neill about it. She doesn't posses the ancient gene, but one member of the team does. She later forms a bit of a relatonship with a member of her team as well, but it is not prohibited because he isnt military.
Lt. Hiro Hasegawa: Hasegawa is said to be the smartest person on the ship, although he doesn't like to profess this fact like one person we know (look at my avatar). As a Japanese/American physicist who joined the Air Force in his 20's, Lt. Hasegawa's skills in science are only paralleled by Dr. Rodney McKay and Colonel Sam Carter. He is an able fighter, but he has more of a passion for discovery than anything. He couldn't resist an assignment like this when it was offered to him, so he basically left most of his things behind and went. He had no prior knowledge of the stargate program, but was interested in theoretical astrophysics, much like Carter and Hailey.
Colonel Nick Connors: Colonel Connors was formerly an F-308 pilot, who participated in operation blue phoinex and the battle for earth, much like Fischer. Due to his exceptional skills as a pilot, he was asked to participate in this effort at about the same time General Barrows was. Although he is not a member of Caleum 1, he is the Commander of the F-308 squadrons aboard. He is said to have a sense of humor close to that of jack o'neill and is not afraid to use it. He is also the first officer of the Star in addition to his other responsibilites.
Doctor Megan Hemingway: Hemingway is the chief physician aboard the Dauntless and the Commander of Caleum 5, the main medical team. She studied medicine at the Air Force University and was a doctor at the SGC for some time, and was requested to accompany the expedition to the Caleum galaxy only a few weeks before take off. She is always escited to study and use alien technologies that relate to medicine and she hopes she can make the medical discovery of a lifetime onbaord. She once accompanied Dr.Fraiser offworld, in the show we know as heroes, pt.2, and dearly missed fraiser after her death.
Melinmar of Tenyris:The third member of Caleum 1, melinmar was one of Talloran (Tuh-LOR-uhn) officers the Dauntless picked up only a few weeks into the expedition. Along with 8 others, he came aboard after the Star responded to the a distress call from his vessel, after it was attacked by the replicators (yes, theyre in this galaxy as well). Thieir vessel now inhabits Hangar 2 aboard the Dauntless. He and his men act as the human's guide to the caleum galaxy for his people are one of its dominant races. Unlike many advanced civilizations, these people still use weapons we would consider to be primitive, but are actually extremely effective against the Replicators and the enemy who doesnt have a name. (hey, thats a good idea: The Nameless. The enemy of the ancients in the caleum galaxy. - gives self pat on back)
Major Chris Lancaster: Lancaster is one of the lesser characters of this show, appearing about as often as and having the importance of the chevron guy, walter. He is the main engineer, comprable to geordi laforge of belanna torres. He basically makes sure everything on board is running like it should.
Dr. Daniel Jackson: Yes, I know many of you may be saying, "what!? Daniel is in this?", or something along those lines, but i was thinking it would be cool to have a member from atlantis or sg-1 join this cast. So here is my choice. We all know about daniel, so i dont need to explain his past, only thathe chose to go on this expedition because one, he didn't get the chance to go with the atlantis team, and two, he believes it is an experience greater than anything else, even his current job. He accompanies Caleum 1 on most of their missions, and sometimes does the same with caleum 3, the main archeology team. And o yeah, daniel is the person who kind of falls for Fischer. Now adding this guy as a character may get some of you ticked off, but i wont change my ways as far as this character.

So these are the characters. Again, please respond and tell me what you think. :cool:

ShadowMaat
October 10th, 2004, 01:25 PM
So... not an international crew, then. ;) I say just go ahead and write it. If you stop and every step and ask us all what we think, you'll never get any real writing done. ;) It's a lot easier to critique a story than a cast list/ship spec. Character synopses have the downside of being potentially misleading as well. Someone could take Nick Connors as an O'Neill/Sheppard clone and decide to dislike him based on that when, in fact, Nick could be completely different from them. But with a bias already in mind, it can be hard for people to see past that.

I know I tend to get caught up in the details of something when I'm writing, too. But if I just sit down and write it generally works better than if I sit there and try to figure everything out first. Sometimes I'll have an outline, though, and usually by the time I'm finished writing it'll be entirely different from what I imagined it to be. :) Go with what you've got and let the details sort themselves out.

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 11th, 2004, 11:33 AM
oh yeah, i just read your first post on here, shadow. thedauntless isnt the most advanced ship in the Galaxy, only the most advanced the thing the tau'ri ever built. :eek:

Mr Prophet
October 11th, 2004, 01:00 PM
I can't help feeling that a carrier with a complement of 35 auxilliary craft would need rather more than 250 crew. A modern 40-aircraft carrier such as the British Ark Royal has about 2000, plus Marines.

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 11th, 2004, 03:37 PM
I can't help feeling that a carrier with a complement of 35 auxilliary craft would need rather more than 250 crew. A modern 40-aircraft carrier such as the British Ark Royal has about 2000, plus Marines.

ok, ill keep that in mind. my friends have known me to change my ideas often, but one problem is, they'd have to make the ship huge to fit that many people, and that kind of is beyond the stargate level of tech for us. also, i dont want the asgard to help us build stuff at every turn.
thanks for your input

Mr Prophet
October 12th, 2004, 07:13 AM
but one problem is, they'd have to make the ship huge to fit that many people, and that kind of is beyond the stargate level of tech for us. also, i dont want the asgard to help us build stuff at every turn.

Well, see, that would be a reason to have fewer auxilliary craft. If your fighter complement is four times that of the Prometheus, you're going to be a much bigger ship. At a bare minimum the Caleum Star you've described is going to be the size of the (late) USS Nimitz by the time you've allowed for its flight systems and spaceframe. If nothing else the PJs are going to need a bigger hangar than the F-308s (why not 304 by the way?)

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 12th, 2004, 08:15 AM
one spoiler for atlantis, the seige











well, ok, thanks for the advice, again. i've kind of been questioning whether i should use puddlejumpers or not. if not, id replace them with 1, maybe 2 cargo vessels. why would the puddle jumpers take up more space than the 308's? (oh yeah, i named them 308's because there's the Daedalus, from the end of season 1 of atlantis, the dauntless itslef, the x-306, which i made up, its like a human al'kesh and, well, ok) ill call them F-307's. now i know cargo vessels take up more room than a 307, so the hangars would need to be bigger. i also think i'll make the ship bigger so it can fit a crew of about 1000. i've also aded 3 cargo chambers, one for food, another for supplies, such as spare parts and another for spare missiles, ammunition etc.
thanks again.

another thing, ive made the new enemy in this galaxy. along with the replicators, there's the Anterac (ant-air-ack). they're kind of a mix between the magog form andromeda and the kilrathi from wing commander, although they don't have the same ships, or weapons or things. they fly around in Onslaught crusiers, which are enormous, black and long ships. each holds about 3000 of their kind and have 80 bladewing fighters. (theyre kind of like the cockpit of a 307 with four blade-like wings on all four sides, protruding from pylons, like a +) they spin around, and can fly really fast. they carry one of the most feared weapons in the galaxy, Dark Matter Torpedos. :D
another cool fact, stargate chevrons in this galaxy glow bright white.

Mr Prophet
October 12th, 2004, 08:35 AM
one spoiler for atlantis, the seige











well, ok, thanks for the advice, again. i've kind of been questioning whether i should use puddlejumpers or not. if not, id replace them with 1, maybe 2 cargo vessels. why would the puddle jumpers take up more space than the 308's? (oh yeah, i named them 308's because there's the Daedalus, from the end of season 1 of atlantis, the dauntless itslef, the x-306, which i made up, its like a human al'kesh and, well, ok) ill call them F-307's. now i know cargo vessels take up more room than a 307, so the hangars would need to be bigger. i also think i'll make the ship bigger so it can fit a crew of about 1000. i've also aded 3 cargo chambers, one for food, another for supplies, such as spare parts and another for spare missiles, ammunition etc.
thanks again.

another thing, ive made the new enemy in this galaxy. along with the replicators, there's the Anterac (ant-air-ack). they're kind of a mix between the magog form andromeda and the kilrathi from wing commander, although they don't have the same ships, or weapons or things. they fly around in Onslaught crusiers, which are enormous, black and long ships. each holds about 3000 of their kind and have 80 bladewing fighters. (theyre kind of like the cockpit of a 307 with four blade-like wings on all four sides, protruding from pylons, like a +) they spin around, and can fly really fast. they carry one of the most feared weapons in the galaxy, Dark Matter Torpedos. :D
another cool fact, stargate chevrons in this galaxy glow bright white.

Yeah, see, I'd assume that the Daedalus is a BC-303. They're still shaking down the 303 design, why would they build another experimental vessel from the ground up for an intergalactic flight? You may know otherwise of course. Moreover, if the new fighter is a variant of the F-302, it would probably be the F-302A, or even B if the non-hyperflight version is the A. Same airframe, souped up weapons; the old Mosquito was good for almost any role if you fitted it out right and that was built from plywood.

The PJs would need more room because they're a kind of starborne APC, rather than a fighter. They'd need more loading space if nothing else.

Remember, you now have a very sizeable ship, but it's still not up to one of them Onslaughts; it might work better to have the Dauntless be small and fast - the name fits better that way - so it can avoid combat. Also, that Onslaught is a carrier, not a cruiser. Hell, the Prometheus isn't really a battle cruiser; cruisers are gun or missile platforms.

White chevrons. Think carefully: Is there a reason for this. Especially given an absence of VFX, specifically described white chevrons need an explanation, even if it's just to let the Ancients know which Gate system they're in.

One final thing. Be sure you know what a DM torpedo actually does and make sure it in some way fits with theories of dark matter. Dark matter may sound scary, but in reality it's just theoretical 'stuff we can't see'. I mean, anti-matter torpedoes, sure; that's scary.

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 12th, 2004, 12:02 PM
if i wrote down everything i have at home on my computer on to this forum, it would take up way too much space. :eek:

i don't what you don't like about the chevrons. i mean, does it ever give a reason for the chevrons being blue in pegusas? i don't recall.

about the daedelus, i was under the impression it was a new class of ships, not jsut another 303. i think i'll go with your idea though on the fighters, and make them 302a's. and for the fact of having the dauntless smaller and more agile, that was my original plan, only i didn't write it. i wasn't think of using the pj's for fighters, more like transport vessels.

and the whole dark matter thing, i know it's a theory and unproved and all that stuff, so, with what little we know about it and the tech level of the anterac, (im not so sure about the name), it's kind of like artistic, or in this case, author's liscense. i have a rudementary design on the dmt's but it's not complete.

i hope you can find some good things about these things im writing as well as alot of bad. :)

Mr Prophet
October 12th, 2004, 12:20 PM
if i wrote down everything i have at home on my computer on to this forum, it would take up way too much space. :eek:

i don't what you don't like about the chevrons. i mean, does it ever give a reason for the chevrons being blue in pegusas? i don't recall.

Well no and that's the thing. Why are they blue? What gives? If you now have a third chevron colour, I think you'd really need to know why. I'm pretty sure the Asgard home Gate had red chevrons.


about the daedelus, i was under the impression it was a new class of ships, not jsut another 303. i think i'll go with your idea though on the fighters, and make them 302a's. and for the fact of having the dauntless smaller and more agile, that was my original plan, only i didn't write it. i wasn't think of using the pj's for fighters, more like transport vessels.

You've still got 32 fighters to the Prommie's eight. I know it's your story, but what you've got is a stand-off combat ship which can't stand off against the enemy. Why not go with a smaller vessel, if that was your plan, with a PJ or two acting as shuttles and maybe a single 302 adapted for a scout role - low-yield naquadria generator rigged for short-range hyperspace travel, perhaps.

Maybe introduce a smaller-scale Anterac cruiser or destroyer for when you want a stand-up fight with the Dauntless, but basically have them either evade or occasionally pull a cunning ploy out of the bag to take on an Onslaught.


and the whole dark matter thing, i know it's a theory and unproved and all that stuff, so, with what little we know about it and the tech level of the anterac, (im not so sure about the name), it's kind of like artistic, or in this case, author's liscense. i have a rudementary design on the dmt's but it's not complete.


But theoretically dark matter is just...stuff. It's like having a sludge torpedo or something. So far as I know - and I could be wrong - DM isn't some sort of super substance, it's just stuff. In fact, surely its defining characteristic is an absence of energy.


i hope you can find some good things about these things im writing as well as alot of bad. :)

Well, I haven't read much of the actual writing and I do lean towards the negative. On the other hand, at least Alex Fischer isn't a precocious eighteen year old super-scientist with an alternate career as a fashion model; I'm sure Shadow will back me on that plus point.

lionel_pendergast_rocks
October 12th, 2004, 12:29 PM
coloenl alex is more like a sam carter, but not as smart, and she's not some ditsy teen fashion freak. she's kind of got the command sense of colonel summer, poor summer, got the life sucked out of him.