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Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 08:26 PM
Okay, we've had plenty of intercom threads here on GW. Now, what if Sheppard and company started their own radio station? Everyone just has to write what might be on one show. We can basically write for one radio show at a time, until someone posts a concept for a new one and we resume there. The goofier the better, trust me. Ahem. Now, it's time for... ATLANTIS RADIO!


Sheppard: Welcome to Atlantis Radio, the most listened-to radio in the Pegasus Galaxy!
McKay: Mainly by the Wraith as they fruitlessly try to track us down. Suckers!
Sheppard: Literally!
McKay: Was that a Wraith joke?
Sheppard: Yes Rodney, welcome to the show.
McKay: Hmph, you don't have to be sarcastic about it...
Sheppard: Anyway, first we have the weather report, which our Athosian listeners look forward to every day. This report is brought to you by Asgard Intergalactic Hyperdrive. When it absolutely, positively HAS to be blown up the next day.
McKay: (snort) More like the next two weeks...
Sheppard: With the weather report, here's Hermiod!

Elles
August 5th, 2006, 08:34 PM
Hermiod: We're expecting a high of 89 degrees and low of 42 degrees. Mostly sunny throughout most of the day with a chance of killer hurricanes in the afternoon which is likely to kill you all.
Sheppard: Alright... we'll take a short break so I can lecture Hermiod on optimism. When we come back, we'll have the orbituaries, followed by the new regular section... terrible ways to die hosted by Dr. Rodney McKay.

Sam fisher
August 5th, 2006, 08:39 PM
And after that, the new show "101 ways to kill a man(or a Wraith) using just your thumb" hosted by Ronon.

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 08:43 PM
Sheppard: But first! Here's Dr. Cherriey, with the traffic report!

Cherriey
August 5th, 2006, 08:47 PM
Fine I'll do it, but you'd best stay away from me, John!

Traffic appears to be fairly clear in the Pegasus Galaxy; all smooth flying from... wait a second. Two hive ships seem to be on the move. Looks like traffic will be heavier than anticipated, folks.

Stop touching me!

*impact noise and an 'oof!' sound*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 08:51 PM
McKay: Woah... Good thing that drop's only, what... Two stories? Anyway, since John's, er... Occupied. Cherriey, mind helping me with the rest of the show?

Cherriey
August 5th, 2006, 08:53 PM
*similar sounds follow the first*

Anyone else more qualified for the job?

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 08:58 PM
Oh boy... Kids, looks like our radio show has been somewhat hijacked. Oh well... This is... Bob... The Not-Wraith... First up, our interview with Ronan on "100 Ways to Kill a Wraith with a Finger". Welcome to the show, Ronan!
Ronan: ... Nice to be here?
Bob: Wonderful! Now, what do you have for us today?

Cherriey
August 5th, 2006, 09:04 PM
Yes, what... WHAT?! He BIT me, Bob!

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 09:06 PM
Ronan: Well, you smell like those fruits, what are they called...
Bob: Cherries?
Ronan: Yes!

Cherriey
August 5th, 2006, 09:08 PM
I can't help that. My body naturally gives off that odor. Didn't your mother ever teach you to make sure something actually IS food before biting into it?

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 09:12 PM
Ronan: (smirk) Yes...
Bob: Moving right along then... Ronan? Would you care to demonstrate some ways of killing Wraith with your fingers?
Ronan: Sure. Do you have a practice Wraith?
Bob: ... Uh... No?
Ronan: I'm sure you'll do, then.
Bob: ... Uh, good? OWWWWW!
Ronan: A two-finger jab to the cheeks is useful in causing them pain and slowing them down.
Bob: Ow ow-AUUUGHHHH!
Ronan: Wraith share a lot of pressure points with humans. In this case though, jabbing their hands is like yanking on someone's tongue, very hard.
Bob: OW OW OW!
Ronan: And finally, they do keep their genitals in the same place as us, so-
Bob: MOMMMMYYYY!

Cherriey
August 5th, 2006, 09:14 PM
For some reason I find this oddly satisfying and yet unfulfilling at the same time.

Elles
August 5th, 2006, 10:04 PM
Sheppard: *ahem* Alright then... Since Bob seems to be... in pain... we'll be needing a medical team down here... ... ... now. Moving on... I'd like to introduce another new segment hosted by Elles called "A Psychoanalytical Analysis of Kirking." Now Elles... it says here that you're a certified psychologist.
Elles: No I'm not. Your paper is lying.
Sheppard: Oh... So... what can you tell us about Kirking, and these so-called "Kirkers."
Elles: The term comes from the late Captain James T. Kirk, who lives on in the nexus, who had an unusual habit of getting hot alien babes on every planet they went to. Kirkers tend to also have this unusual habit.
Sheppard: I see... so can you give us an example of a "Kirker?"
Elles: Lt. Colonel Johnathan Sheppard. I beleive you're familiar with him.
Sheppard: What?
Elles: Well... you do have a habit of...
Sheppard: That is blasphemous.
Elles: Even so, you've asked and I've chosen you as my example. Unless you'd rather me bring McKay back down here.
Sheppard: No... no... I suppose I'm fine.
Elles: Good... Your case, John, is a rather mild case.
Sheppard: How so?
Elles: If memory serves, you've only got your shirt ripped off twice. Once in Thirty Eight Minutes and only a partial rip in Epiphany. James T. Kirk had his shirt ripped off many times in TOS. Neither of them count in their entirety since the first one was so that they could use the defibillator to send you into cardiac arrest, the second was only a partial rip.
Sheppard: Ok... What ususally brings about this "Kirking" habit?
Elles: Did you have a bad experience as a child? A molestation?
Sheppard: What? No!
Elles: Were you unloved by your family?
Sheppard: I have no family.
Elles: See... you have this Kirking habit because you were unloved as a child and need to feel wanted.
Sheppard: ... ... ... Nice sig.
Elles: Oh thanks... did you click on that link?
Sheppard: Yes... So, you doing anything Friday night?
Elles: My point exactly.
Sheppard: What? It's normal, isn't it?
Elles: Well... yes... but your case of it has been escalating since the second season.
Sheppard: Don't tell me no one else on TV does this "Kirking" stuff.
Elles: Well... Gaius Baltar does sleep with everyone on Battlestar Galactica. He alone could be a soap opera.
Sheppard: Good. Well that's all the time we have for this segment for today. Tune in next week to hear Elles analyze Dr. Rodney McKay. So honestly, are you doing anything?
Elles: All I can say is this. I have no problem with not treating Kirkers if it means their shirt will get ripped off more next season. I have to go eat my pie now.
Sheppard: I was heading down to the mess myself.
Elles: But if I get annoyed enough I will proceed with treatment. You realize it involves electric shock therapy with nodes applied to the (explicative deleted) and the (explicative deleted)?
Sheppard: ...Can I at least get a hug?
(Posters note: The following is a bit of a rip off of the preview for A Dog's Breakfast)
Elles: Fine. *hugs Sheppard* Hey! I didn't say you could put your hand... Oh John! *slaps Sheppard* This is wrong!
Sheppard: I don't know why I'm the sky jockey that I am. It must be the star dust in me drawing me despite the danger to where I belong, out there, amongst the stars.
Elles: It is a cruel existence that keeps us apart.
Sheppard: Not as cruel as the evil that I'm honor bound to track to the edges of this dark universe.
Elles: May our transmatter beams cross again... my golden stranger. Ah screw it. *tackles Sheppard*
Ronon: Ok... since it seems Sheppard is "occupied"... again... I'll take over as host temporarily.

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 11:22 PM
Bob: Good grief, get a room you two! Oh, hey Ronan...
Ronan: I trust I didn't hurt you too badly?
Bob: Oh no, I'm good... It appears that we have a celebrity guest, who agreed to not reveal the Stargate program if he was allowed to join the Atlantis expedition... (eye-twitch) It is my... Pleasure... To introduce our very special guest... Will Ferrell.
Ronan: (sniff) He smells of death.
Bob: That would be his career.
Ronan: He's an assassin?
Bob: No.

Elles
August 5th, 2006, 11:31 PM
*Elles picks self up off of Sheppard*
Elles: What?!? Will Ferrell is here?!? Where's my double barreled shot gun?!?
Ronon: It's in the control room.
Elles: Wait here... I'll be right back.
Ronon: While Elles goes to get her shotgun... we might as well interview Will Ferrell while we can.
Will Ferrell: Is she really going to kill me?
Ronon: Yes.
Will Ferrell: Hahah... you're joking... right?
Ronon: No.
Will Ferrell: ... You're funny.
Ronon: Not really... so... why were you so unfunny in Bewitched?
Will Ferrell: You saw it? Did you like it?
Ronon: I saw it... that joke about you being a Clippers fan wasn't funny.
Will Ferrell: It wasn't?
Ronon: No.
Will Ferrell: ... Heh heh... You're funny.
Ronon: No I'm not... and if you continue to be this unfunny I will tie you up, hang you by your feet... and cut off your...
Elles (halfway across Atlantis): IF YOU KILL HIM BEFORE I GET BACK I WILL HURT YOU, RONON!
Ronon: Fine. If my calculations are correct, you have thirty more seconds to live. So... are you aware that Teyla's been stalking you for the past three years?
Will Ferrell: Yes... it's not that bad really... but I've been considering getting a restraining order you know... hahahahah... You don't find that funny.
Elles: That's not funny! *shoots Will Ferrell*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 11:41 PM
Bob: Ouch... Well, one less idiot celebrity holding the secret of the Stargate over us.
Ronan: There are others?
Bob: Unfortunately... Anyway, now it's time for Dr. McKay to do his regular segment: Unpleasant Ways to Die. Dr. McKay?
McKay: By the way, Bob... Why are you here?
Bob: ... I'm a technical sergeant in the Air Force. Why are you here?
McKay: Because I landed on something soft...
(Cadman is heard to distantly shout something along the lines of "I WILL KILL YOU, RODNEY!")
McKay: So! Let's begin with some of my favorite unpleasant ways to die... Getting the life sucked out of you by a Wraith is easily at the top of the list.
Bob: Of course, of course...
McKay: Being burned at the stake covered in alcohol is another.
Bob: (nods) Personal experience?
McKay: Almost... Oh yeah, and the newest one: Bleeding to death from an arrow, shot into your ass.
John: (looking up from making out with Elles) You weren't going to bleed to death, Rodney. Don't be such a big baby.
McKay: Hey! I'd like to see you go through that WITHOUT screaming your head off!

Elles
August 5th, 2006, 11:47 PM
Elles: It's weird that you're still one of the top Kirkers on my list even though you were so screwed up because you had an arrow in your...
McKay: CAN WE NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN?!?
Sheppard: Fine... Just know that I'm taking over as host again to keep you in line.
McKay: Fine! Anyway... a black hole is also a terrible, painful, and slow way to die.
Elles: Which is why I used one to kill Will Ferrell once. :D *runs off to hunt Will Ferrell again*
McKay: Hm... yes... the gravitational pull is exceedingly painful and the time dilation makes it exceedingly slow. Exposure to the vaccuum of space is also painful, but relatively quick. Having you genitals cut off and bleeding out from that...
Sheppard: OK! We get the point! Let's move on to... something else...

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 5th, 2006, 11:53 PM
Bob: Indeed. Here to talk gossip on and off Atlantis, here is Dr. Elles!

Elles
August 6th, 2006, 12:01 AM
Elles: I told you! That paper lies... Well anyway... Landry walked in on Sam and Jack doing it... if you know what I mean... *hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge* Will Ferrell is overrated... He's still bleeding to death but give him some time and he'll die... eventually... The conformists on Earth are evil. Conformists should die. Daniel Radcliffe is overrated. Daniel Radcliffe does not deserve to be paid.
Sheppard: Woah woah woah... That's not gossip... that's ranting... That first part was gossip... more of that.
Elles: Fine. I saw Sheppard holding hands with Ronon the other day and whispering things into his ear.
Sheppard: Hey! Keep that up and I'll have this section cut out of the show!
Elles: See if I care... I don't want to do it anyway.
Sheppard: Well maybe I will just ban it.
Elles: Go ahead, and have fun while you're at it... I have to go watch Stargate SG-1.
Sheppard: Fine!
Elles: Fine!

susanne
August 6th, 2006, 03:31 AM
shepperd: uh sorry about that folks lets just move along to entertainment shall we? and here to entertail us all is dr elizabeth wier taking time off her busy scedual (pfft not) to come down here and do this dr wier...
wier: well this week john i've found some rip roaring reads for youi give 5 stars to steve the wraiths book on catering for a hive
shepperd: yeah i heard that was an interesting read and a step by step
wier: i found it really enjoyable a very good read moving on we have a warriors tale by teyla ennagen interesting doesnt cover it....
shep: how about snoresville?! (lol)
wier: for this creditable read ill give it a very good 2 star rating
teyla: i spent all year writing those memoirs!
wier: yes well moving on we have the wild nights in atlantis dvd i must say its rather.....
teyla: ILL KILL YOU! *sounds of scufelling*
shep: and thats all on entertainment ladies and gentlemen!

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 6th, 2006, 07:35 AM
Bob: Okay, thank you Colonel... Next we have-Huh? Colonel Caldwell?
Caldwell: Allright... Exactly what the hell is going on here?
Sheppard: Uh, just morale-building entertainment, sir, that's all.
Caldwell: Beaming this signal to the entire Pegasus galaxy is NOT my idea of entertainment! What if the Wraith hear it?
McKay: Well, of COURSE they can hear it. That's the point! Psychological warfare. We may have "lost" Atlantis, but we'll never be defeated!
Caldwell: Ahhhh. I see. Well then, mind playing some music?
Bob: Eh?
Caldwell: I don't know about you, but I hate radio stations that just talk, and talk, and talk all day... It'd be nice if you shut up and played the music, you know?
McKay: Who do we look like, XM?

Elles
August 6th, 2006, 10:47 PM
teyla: ILL KILL YOU! *sounds of scufelling*
:lol: I dunno exactly why... I just love that line :D... good for you!

Bob: Darn it Rodney... maybe we should take Caldwell's suggestion into consideration. All our previous programs have been terrible enough that they had to end abruptly and we're running out of material. We can't come up with material fast enough.
McKay: Call in Oprah...
Bob: No, she's one of the few celebrities who don't know about the Stargate program.
McKay: Than get Elles to do her ranting again...
Sheppard: No! One more joke about me being gay with Ronon and I won't be able to not kill her.
McKay: So threaten to sue her.
Elles: No... you don't need to do that. Bob has just made a substantial donation to the Send-Elles-To-Vancouver fund. I'll do the ranting segment...
Sheppard: You heard her... Elles is doing her ranting segment again so don't touch that dial because...
Elles: For cryin' out loud...
*Meanwhile in the Milky Way*
O'Neill: That's my line!
*Meanwhile back at the ranch*
Elles: It's obvious that Dumbledore is not dead... He ascended to a higher plane of existence, but in a different way from Daniel. Anyone who bothers to read the books carefully knows this.
Sheppard: That's interesting. So what evidence do you have that he is not dead?
Elles: Well for one thing... Snape lied to Narcissa several times concerning Harry, the Order, the Fidelius Charm, and... Hey! This isn't a question/answer gig! Ranting does not involve someone else asking questions! You fracking Kirker!
Sheppard: Hey! Don't call me that!
Elles: Fine!
Sheppard: Fine!
Bob: Folks, we're going to take a short break and due to a programing change, we're temporarily going to replace a few of the segments with selected tracks from Dr. Elizabeth Weir's new CD, "Soothing Sounds of The Ocean"

susanne
August 7th, 2006, 04:48 AM
(lol hahaha)
liz: first on my playlist we have men attacked by sharks,
*screaming splashing,screaming*
liz: it is rather soothing dont you think john?! john you look white are you ok?!
john: im never going swimming again.......

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 05:59 AM
Elizabeth: I don't know, listening to my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with that French bimbo being eaten alive by Atlantian sharks is rather soothing to me...
John: Okay... See, this is one of those times I wonder whether or not I'm crazy for being attracted to you. On the other hand, I acknowledge that I'm... uh... Teyla?
Teyla: (bemused smile) That you acknowledge your attraction, but understand that besides feelings of friendship and loyalty your feelings do not go further for Dr. Weir?
John: Yeah... Thanks.
Bob: Huh... So much for Shweir, mwahahahahaha!
McKay: Bob, what did we say about shipping?
Bob: That without it a planet-based nation ceases to exist?
John: Hey! I'm supposed to tell the bad jokes around here!
McKay: Yeah, didn't you get the memo?
Bob: I suppose not... Anyway, now it's time for our caller segment, and first on the lines is... Uh... Someone who wishes to be known simply as "Horký Doktor".
Horký Doktor: Uh, yes. Is this to mean that Elizabe-er, Dr. Weir, and Colonel Sheppard, are not, ah, together?
McKay: ... Zelenka, I know that's you.
Horký Doktor: I know not what you are talking about, Rodney! Er, I mean, Dr. McKay!
Weir: (smiles good naturedly) Horký Doktor, I'm not involved with anyone at the moment.
Horký Doktor: Really? Oh, zat's wonderful! Er, I mean, interesting! Er, goodbye!
Bob: Okay... Interesting first call... Now we have Vala, calling from the guest quarters. Vala, you're on the air!

susanne
August 7th, 2006, 06:10 AM
vala: hello everyone id like to say a few things to the wraith in pegasus is that ok?!
bob: of course vala go right ahead
vala: hi michael honey ill be at the party soon and dont worry about me meeting your mom im sure we'll get along famously
bob: so vala i heard you did a kiss and tell about one daniel jackson is that correct?!
vala: yes i did bob anyone that thinks "your a fruitcake" is an insult is quite nuts...
shep: nuts hahaha
bob: yes thank you cornel shepperd so vala what did you tell all about?!
vala: well i told everyone how much a workaholic daniel is and his "little package" problem
bob: how interesting vala please continue
vala: well everyone knows how we met and let me say the hijacking rumour about the ship is all wrong he actually invited me aboard
bob: really?!
vala: yes he did
bob: tell us more about his little problem....

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 09:48 AM
Vala: Well, it's not a "bad" problem... (smirks)... And it's not a size problem... It's actually kind of sexy.
Bob: Er, yes, well, I'm sure it's fascinating but-
Vala: Hey, do you want higher ratings, or do you want to go out the window? This Dr. Chierry is actually quite inspirational.
Bob: (sigh) Fine. Go on...
Vala: Well, it's quite simply that Daniel enjoys talking in different languages when he's having sex. He switches between Greek, French, Russian, German, Arabic, Gou'ald, all depending upon what we're doing...
Bob: Um yes, thank you so much for that, moving right along...
Vala: Ooh, you should see his Sign Language. (naughty grin)
Bob: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MOVING ON!

Amann
August 7th, 2006, 09:53 AM
Howard Stern is up next! lol

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:57 AM
Howard Stern: I need help! I'm being attacked by wraith. (wraith stunner blasts and gun fire)
Bob: Calm down, don't worry... we have an expert with us right now.
Robin Williams: Howard, this is Robin Williams.
Howard Stern: Robin Williams? You're my hero! Save me! (continued gun fire)
Robin Williams: Unfortunately I don't know how to save you. I'm just giving you a pleasant death.
Howard Stern: What?!?
Robin Williams: Yes... well, it's been nice meeting you but I have to get back to Earth. Bye...
Howard Stern: No! Wait...
Bob: And next caller... Dr. House... you're on.
Dr. House: Yes, I'd like to speak to Colonel Sheppard.
Sheppard: Yes?
Dr. House: Teyla Emmagen is a Mary/Sue, you're better off with Dr. Weir.
Sheppard: Huh?
Dr. House: Everybody lies, the fact Teyla hasn't revealed any of her deep secrets reveals that she's hiding something very terrible. You're better off with Weir.
Sheppard: Wow thanks... I really was on the fence there for a second... but now I think I really will go with Shweir. Thanks!
Teyla: I'LL KILL YOU!

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 12:26 PM
(As Teyla and Elizabeth fight to the death over John, Bob picks the show back up)

Bob: Ahem... Unfortunately, since Howard Stern is now Wraith food, his XM show will have to be cancelled. Somehow, I doubt that too many people will care for long.
McKay: Amen!
Bob: Anyway, our list of celebrities who know about the Stargate Program: How, why, and where.
McKay: First up is Celine Dion. We had to show her the Stargate... Just before we sent her to a spacegate address. Without a Jumper. (smile) Canada threw a celebration for her demise. It was great.
Bob: Too bad you couldn't go.
McKay: Hey! At least I have a street named for me in Toronto!
Bob: Well whoop-di-doo, Dr. McKay! A whole street! Lovely! Can we please move on?
McKay: (pout) Fine, fine... Let's see... Tom Cruise tried to infiltrate Stargate Command, but no one believed her could be a military officer.
Bob: Of course not. To be a believable one, you have to have some brains.
McKay: ...
Bob: Oh come off it, you know it's true.
McKay: I didn't say anything! I was going to nod before you cut me off!
Bob: Uh huh... Tell me another one.
McKay: (rolls his eyes) Ignoring the sergeant's lack of faith in humanity in general... Jennifer Lien, the woman who played "Kes" on Star Trek: Voyager, gained a degree in medicine and was selected as a doctor on aid missions to suffering planets in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Bob: Really? Neat!
McKay: Yeah! She actually doesn't want anyone to make a big deal out of her career. Unfortunately, she had to leave her husband and kids back on Earth.
Bob: That sucks.
McKay: Yeah...
Bob: Is that why she hasn't returned any of your love letters?
McKay: What?! I haven't been sending her love letters!
Bob: (holds up a piece of paper) My dear Jennifer, how like an angel you are to me...
McKay: (grabs for it) Give that back, it's private property!
Bob: Oh, so it IS yours?
McKay: N-No! I'm concerned for whoever wrote it!
Bob: Ha ha! That's a load of hot air!
McKay: Give it back already, you hooligan! (dives)
Bob: ACK! Mad Canadian! Help! Help! Save me! Mad physicist!

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 01:07 PM
Dr. Weir: Alas it is revealed, this is not in fact a list of celebrities who know of the Stargate, it is actually a reading of love letters found in random places in Atlantis.
McKay(in background): I'm not finished with you yet Bob!
Elles: Anyway... Dr. Weir and I will continue since Bob is busy being beaten up by McKay. This is a lovely letter written to Ronon by someone called "Your Sugarlump."
"O mighty Ronon, with dredlocked hair and chocolate eyes, you truly are amazing. Your lover, how much I'd love to be, but I lost my hair gel so I need to go to the Milky Way.
Your Sugarlump,
Lt. Colonel John Sheppard"
Sheppard: I said no more of those jokes!
Elles: If you don't try to kill me... which will fail since I'm wearing a refelctor cloak, I'll stop calling you Kirker.
Sheppard:... Deal.

susanne
August 7th, 2006, 01:14 PM
elles:now back to bob with the news
bob: *using his posh voice* a recent string of graffiti has hit the city with artwork that shows dr mckay bending over to kiss elizabeth wiers...
wier: please dont mention that
bob: moving on the wraith are as angry as ever with this new radiostation they say we dishonour them by doing this.....
shep: but do they even have honour?!
bob:lets save that for another time also teyla emmagen will be singing in the mess at noon anyone wanting a seat should come early
shep: ooooh teyla singing!
bobL: and lastly there is an atlantis movie night next week depicting what hapens when you abuse alcohol be advised many of the pictures are off last months party this was the daily news with bob the wraith thank you

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 01:25 PM
Bob: And let's get back to the callers... Caller number four, you're on the Radio Atlantis show...
Steve: Hi... this is Steve.
Bob: Oh hi Steve! How've you been?
Steve: Good thanks...
Bob: Great! So... what's on your mind today?
Steve: Well Bob... I'm baking a pie...
Bob: Apple? Blueberry?
Steve: Human Life Essence actually. New recipe I found on Google.
Bob: Oh... So what seems to be the problem?
Steve: I can't seem to find any sugar.
Bob: Well... when I make Human Life Essence Pie, it's sweet enough on its own. You don't need the sugar.
Steve: Thanks Bob!
Bob: Don't mention it, next caller.
Elles: *snicker* Chaya's in the gate room... *snicker* Anyone who wants to join in on a practical joke should get their Super Soakers and meet me in the control room. *Weir and Teyla begin cackling in background*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 03:35 PM
Bob: And it looks like Atlantis's second wet T-Shirt contest is about to begin. Covering it now is my good friend Lieutenant Laura Cadman. Laura?
Laura: Thanks Bob... Hey wait. Aren't you a Wraith?
Bob: ... No...?
Laura: Then why are you friends with Steve? Why are you even alive? And why is Steve alive?
Bob: ... Different Steve the Wraith. I'm Bob... The Not-Wraith.
Laura: ...
Bob: Anyway, what's the situation Lieutenant?
Laura: Well, it seems that Elle managed to smuggle at least ten Super Soakers into the city on the Daedalus's last run. She is using them to good effect, rendering Chaya's entire outfit see-through, much to the delight of the men here. (snorts)
Bob: Ah. Who else is involved?
Laura: Dr. Weir and Teyla are enjoying soaking eachother and other people with the super soakers. Colonel Sheppard originally attempted to break up the fight, but he decided that perhaps he needs help for his "Kirkism", and so he went to talk with Dr. Heightmeyer.
Bob: Ah. Did he comb his hair beforehand?
Laura: I think so...
Bob: Then he's making progress. Thank you Laura, we'll be looking forward to your full report on the incident tommorrow. Unfortunately, our time is nearly up, so we will close our show with the musical genius, of Mr. Elton John.
Elton John: Great to be on Atlantis, Bob!
Bob: Great to have you here, John. How's Rick?
Elton John: Wonderful, thank you. He's taking care of our adopted children back home. However, when I was asked to come to Atlantis as part of the USO Tour of Offworld bases, I couldn't refuse!
Bob: Well then, Mr. John, take it away! Tune in tomorrow! Same not-Wraith time, same not-Wraith channel!
(Elton John performs "Wake Up Wendy", "Piano Man", "Benny and the Jets", and "Circle of Life", as the show finally goes off the air)

On a Wraith hiveship...

Wraith 1: My queen! We nearly tracked the signal this time!
Wraith: How?
Wraith 1: Well, they tried bouncing the signal off a pulsar, then off a quasar, then using subspace relay satellites scattered all over the galaxy, and finally, we believe they are using an Ancient communications array to send multiple signals at once, leaving us with over a trillion possible locations!
Wraith Queen: ... A trillion... Possible... Locations.
Wraith 1: Yes, my queen! It would only take us several hundred years to search them all, and when we finally found them-GACK!
Wraith Queen: Why did I kill off all the smart suckups?

Allright Elles: You start the next show! At the end of that show, you pick someone else to start it, and so on. Get ready, guys! Radio Atlantis is on the air!

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 06:34 PM
Bob: And we're back... Today's show of Radio Atlantis is brought to you by Jell-O! You're official provider of blue gelatin. And now since Hermiod has reccently caught the flu, we have Dr. McKay here with the weather.
McKay: Thank you Bob. Today we're expecting a high of 48 and a low of 21. It will be cloudy and gloomy and depressing throughout most of the day with showers in the morning and a possible chance of snow later on tonight. Anybody outside is guaranteed to be wet, cold, and miserable.
Sheppard: Why do we always pick the pesimistic weather forecasters?
Bob: And now to Dr. Zelenka who is tracking a small skirmish between six Wraith hive ships. Radek?
Zelenka: OH MY GOD! This battle is of epic proportions! Holy sh- *boom*! That cruiser just exploded! And now that hive ship is starting to *KABOOM*! No! Must get away from the shock wave! It will destroy this puddle jumper! Must get away! Must get- *static*
Sheppard: Dear Lord... we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Dr. Zelenka.
Bob: What are you doing?
Sheppard: I'm the shepherd... It's my duty to protect our souls from sin and be a link to God.
Bob: No... that's a Firefly reference... and you are Sheppard not a shepherd.
Sheppard: What? It's a joke!
McKay: Oh haha... and how long did you work on that?
Zelenka: Hey guys? I'm alive, but I'm leaking atmosphere... I need help.
Sheppard: Shut up Zelenka.

You know... anyone can do the next one...

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 06:43 PM
Bob: and we're back with the phone Calls, me and John will be answereing any and all questions.
Shep: and out first caller is...
caller: Hi
Sep: oh gos it's Will Ferell some one help us!!!!
*Elles at Will's house* Don't worry john...Ill kill him. *harpons Will*
Bob: ok....now our next caller
Shep: welcome Harrison Ford
HF: I know about the Stargate, give me a team!!!
Shep: hella yes...but first....I need your autograph
HF: hahaha you fell for it
Bob: Rodney?
Shep: You******* i thought you were my Idol
Bob: now our next caller....she syays she only wants to tlka to john
Me: Hi John
Shep: hi what's your name
Me: Hi John
Shep: we already said hi
Me: Hi John
Shep: are you drooling on the phone
Me: how do you know???
Shep: it's leaking through
Me: ohh...Hi John
Shep: ddo you have a question
Mr: Marry me
Shep: uhh no
Me: That was a demand.....not a question
Shep: *Gulp* you're not PJ1 are you?
Me: yes John...and i'm in your room....burining your clothes
John: oh Sh*t

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 06:49 PM
*Shep runs off to save his christmas socks*
Bob: Next caller.
Daniel Radcliffe: Seven days... everybody will suffer.
Bob: Great... next caller...
Seven of Nine: Where is the best place in the Pegasus galaxy to get bannanas?
Bob: That would be here.
Seven of Nine: Great, so can I come over to Atlantis anytime?
Bob: No. Only on Open House nights. Next caller.
Nader: Don't be a hater! Vote for Nader!
Bob: Ugh... Next Caller...

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 06:53 PM
*Shep runs off to save his christmas socks*
Bob: Next caller.
Daniel Radcliffe: Seven days... everybody will suffer.
Bob: Great... next caller...
Seven of Nine: Where is the best place in the Pegasus galaxy to get bannanas?
Bob: That would be here.
Seven of Nine: Great, so can I come over to Atlantis anytime?
Bob: No. Only on Open House nights. Next caller.
Nader: Don't be a hater! Vote for Nader!
Bob: Ugh... Next Caller...
Me: hey Shep is here
Bob: scuse me?
Me: I called to tell everyone Shep is here.....I'm on his shelf with his Christmas socks...he's saying dirty words
Bob: ok
Me; I love it whn he talks dirty
Bob: ok
Me: now he's climbing up the shelf.....I have a lighter...
Bob: ok
Me: I like fire
Bob: we know some on need counseling
Shep*in backround* give me the socks you *beeping* *beeper*
Me: nevr Muahahahahahahahah
Bob: ok we'll checkin on you two love birds later...now our next caller

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 07:02 PM
Seymour: All of life is pain! I shall end all pain and suffering!
Bob: ... The hell?
McKay: Seymour?
Elles: Who?
Bob: The main villain of Final Fantasy X... Which in fact really happened on a planet in the Pegasus galaxy.
McKay: Hey! We killed you! I mean, we killed you SEVERAL TIMES.
Seymour: Yes, and now I'm back!
Bob: Guy's worse than Daniel... Next caller!

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 07:13 PM
Me: Shep keeps trying to grab me......I'd like him to Bob....but......I'm afriad he'll do sometihng mean if he does
Bob: ok......and
Me: well I don't know......maybe he wants to do somthing nice ;)
Bob: ok
Me: awww...he's begging now.....too bad I alread torched his undies....hey I have an idea/ hold on a sec. *calls someone*
Rodney: ok ok ok got it i'll be right down. *grabs a bucket of mud*
Bob: things seem to be getting more interresting
Ne: yeha!!!! thank for dumpinh mud all over Shep...it's Uber sexy...good thing is...he'll have to shower...and he has no clothes to change into....
Bob: our caller is drooling again. next caller

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 08:55 PM
Bob: ... Gee... That's... Nice, PJ1.
John: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I'M NOT INTERESTED! NOW GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!
Bob: This seems strangely familiar... Oh well... Next on the program: Teyla Emmgan has been approached by a person in the Atlantis Expedition, who knows a record producer back on Earth. It seems that her singing could be a hit back home! SHould Ms. Emmagan take this offer? Caller 1, you're on the air!

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 09:01 PM
Me: hi bob!!!
Bob: oh god not you again!!!
Me: John says he'll kill me if he doesn't get his socks back.......but I plan on staying as long as possible
Bob: why?
Me: he's walking around in a towel......
Bob: ok....wiping that image from my mind.....what's your opinion
Me: hmm.....I think.....a massage
Bob: WAHT???
Me: John asked what he could do for me if I gavehim his socks and hairgel back
Beb: your opinion
Me: John says he'd kirk her if she was a singer...so NO!!
Bob: next Caller is Will Fereell
Elles: Kill him *runs back to Will's house*
Bob: next Caller Rodney you have the air.
Rodney: I think it'd be sexy if she was
Bob: ok now for our next caller Cameron Mitchell
Cameron: well I'd like ot....but she still wouldn't dadte me...I'm thinking about suicide
Bob: PJ1 would like to comment on that ...PJ1 you have the air
Me: kill your self
Bob: back to you Cameron *silence* Cameorn??? ok next caller. but first an annoncment. Dr.Beckett please go to the Colonel's guest quarters...

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 10:26 PM
Sheppard: Yeah... I'd call animal control but PJ1 took the liberty of torching the Yellow Pages and this is the only number I remember besides 911 and they're not qualified for this.
Bob: Ok... what do you need?
Sheppard: I need Lorne and a team armed to the teeth down to my house right now... oh! And some pants would be good too.
Bob: I'll contact Weir about this...
Sheppard: Do it quick! THOSE ARE REALLY NICE SOCKS!
Bob: All right! Major Lorne is on his way... Next caller.
Me: Yes... I'd like to take a moment to point out that Alan Rickman would look like Walker Texas Ranger if he grew a beard.
Bob: Point taken... next caller.

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 7th, 2006, 10:39 PM
Kinsey: SURRENDER OR PERISH!
Bob: ... Senator Kinsey?
Kinsey: VICE PRESIDENT KINSEY TO YOU!
Bob: Uh, no. You were fired. And you're wanted for treason, among other things.
Kinsey: It doesn't matter! Soon, with my new allies you will all BE CRUSHED!
Bob: Yeah... Sure... Next caller!
Halling: Teyla wishes to be a singer? Oh dear, she becomes closer to you people every day...
Bob: She can break your neck with her pinky, Captain Pansy. She's an exceptional leader. She's just were she needs to be.
Halling: I know of what you Earth people do! You dominate smaller cultures and swallow them up!
Bob: And yet, here we gave you your own land without any interference from us. Next caller!
Caldwell: Please, tell me you're not still doing this.
Bob: Colonel!
Caldwell: Look: I'm accepting an invitation by Teyla to visit the Athosians. I will be gone for several hours. By the time I get back, I want this radio show of yours to have some quality stuff on it, and not just this mindless, hormonal drivel. Clear?
Bob: Uh... Yes sir.
Caldwell: Good.
Bob: Okay... I've got nothing.

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 10:40 PM
Sheppard: oh God!!! don't so that PJ1...for the love of all things holy.....don't do that
Bob: uhhh...next caller
Me: awww Come on John you know you want to....I'll return your hair gel and your socks......
Elles: return the hair gel and no one gets hurt
Lorne: I'm here to save you John.
Me: Lorne!!!! Oh Lorne!!! I love you come here
Lorne: Oh God!!! it's PJ1...she's been stalking me for months
Me: I wuv you Lorney worney!!!
Lorne: Bob cut to commercail before I run like a little girl screaming.
Bob: ok...now for track to of soothing sounds from Elizabeths Sound track

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:18 PM
*sounds of Simon being burned*
Bob: God rom it Weir! Soothing Sounds of Pain is an oxymoron!
Weir: So?
Bob: Alright, I have no choice but to go back to the callers...
Sheppard: Yeah... Bob, we need reinforcements.
Bob: Ugh... next caller.
Harry Potter: I'm being attacked by Voldemort! Help me!
Bob: Next caller...
Harry Potter: Wa-
Fraiser Crane: Your ratings are higher than mine and I demand to know why!
Bob: Because we're not deranged psychologists... Well... Elles is...
Me: HEY!
Bob: But in a good way...

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 11:25 PM
Me: Hi Bob...uhhhh I could use help
Bob: next caller
Me:no wait-
Bob: ok next caller
Wriath: this is uh thor *in fake womans voice* tell me Earths adress
bob: well how high is your clearance?
Wraith *still in womans voice* oh screw it
Bob: next caller
Howie: Quack
Bob: god!!! I thought you were only in the "Oh my God they Killed Daniel" thread
Howie: Quack!
Bob: next Caller
John: you know.....Pj1 tlaks just like that somtimes....
Bob: next caller
Vala: uhhh I'm having trouble in keeping my relationship alive
Bob: really whats wrong
Vala: well you see I'm dating Dr.Jackson

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:31 PM
Bob: We have our resident psychologist with us right now...
Elles: I'm not a psychologist!!! Anyway... what did you say? You're dating Daniel? Oh dear... PJ1 is not going to like that...
Bob: This just in... PJ1 is dialing Earth...
Elles: I'd run if I were you... I have to go eat my pie.
Bob: Next caller...
Daniel Radcliffe: Seven d-
Elles: *grabs mic* Do us all a favor and don't do the sixth movie. Oh... and stop calling.
Bob: Next caller...

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 11:43 PM
Me: uh yes this is King of town *does fake voice* and uhh I'm calling to tell you I stole you twenty dollars...so if you see me....kick me in the balls....cuz I'm a jerk and i'm king of town (homeStar runner refrence from Marzipans answering machine)
John: PJ1 stop pranking the radio
Me: aw John you blew my cover
Bob: ok next caller
Me: hello this is magazine man...I calling to tell you that your subscripdtion to tofu tree hugges magazine is going to erupt....LAVA SEEPING UNDER YOUR DOOR!!!!....listen...bake all your money into a apple, no cherry pie and leave it on the window sill...to protect it from the lava.....and oh my god it's erputing....
John: stop it
Bob: next caller
Strongbad: hello this is Marzapan....calling to ask you to save the F'ing trees..because they're pretty and to give me all your money..because the trees eat money and it will help them get better
Bob: that is touching....every one donate to Marzipans tree money eating foundaion today...next caller

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:48 PM
PJ1: Hi John.
Bob: Go away!
Me: You know, PJ1... since you're away making your prank calls... *grabs Shep* John's all mine... ;)
Bob: No! You're going to lure her here! Elles? Sheppard? *looks on floor* Oh... there you are... Next caller...

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 11:49 PM
Me: Hi bob
Bob: uhhh Rodney's on the phone...yet I hear PJ1....
Me: Hi bob turn around
Bob: Elles you brought her here...with Rodney
Rodney *gagged* myhjsgsvnsn
Bob: next caller

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:51 PM
Me: *looks up* So?
Will Ferrell: It's me again...
Me: I knew you'd call back... so I planted the biggest nuke I could find in your house... *goes back to what I was doing* :D
Will Ferrell: Wh-? *BOOM*

Commander Jumper
August 7th, 2006, 11:53 PM
Bob: Ok Will is...off the air, next caller
Caller: Hi I'm Will Ferells son....Bill Ferell (hahahah that's my uncels ful name :D...well my ex-unlce...him and my aunt brok up)
Bob: we'll now wait for Elles death fest to begin.....

Elles
August 7th, 2006, 11:59 PM
Me: Kill... John! Fire Z missles!
Sheppard: But I'm tired...
Me: Ok... take a nap... THEN FIRE Z MISSLES!
Bob: And... next caller.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is this Radio Disney? I'd like to request a song...
Bob: *snarkastic voice* Yes it is... you can choose from Simon Drowning, or Simon Bleeding To Death
Weir: Both are some of my favorites from my new CD.
Daniel Radcliffe: Never mind...

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 12:05 AM
ok now I know you've seen "end of ze world" I craked up when I saw that vid :D

Bob: ok now it's time for the counselling portion of our show....we have our counsellor Dr.Heightjumper to help us...our first caller
Lorne: I'm being staled by a psychoctic girl
Me: well then....I surgest that da lurv her back ya!!!!
Lorne: WTF???
Me: don't be using that kinda language round me child
Lorne: ok ok....
Bob: next caller
Ford: uhhh I'm being stalked too
Me: well sony boy..I suggest you court the young whipersnapper..your not gonna live forever
Bob: next caller
John: uhh I'm being Mauled by Elles and PJ1 is stlaking me and burning my clothes
Me: well laddie I suggest you let the little lasses do what they want..you should be flattered
Zelenka: why does your accent chage much
me: it's all in your head boy...D'oh
Bob: ok next segment

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 12:11 AM
Elles: As I have promised you... I am doing another "Psychoanalytical Analysis of Kirking" with Dr. McKay as my subject... Dr. McKay welcome to my segment.
McKay: Thank you Elles. I tend not to get the recognition I deserve.
Elles: Dr. McKay... your case, though not as Colonel Sheppard's, is quite intriguing.
McKay: And why would that be?
Elles: You've Kirked with a man.
McKay: Oh God... I've explained many times that that was Cadman's fault.
Elles: Was it?
McKay: THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!
Elles: That ended abruptly... John? Have you fired Z missles yet?
Sheppard: Yes...
Elles: Is Will Ferrell's son dead?
Sheppard: Yes...
Elles: You have pleased me... :D

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 12:21 AM
John: I live to please beloved
Me: why do I feel like I've walked into a cheesy SciFi film and can't get out
Rodney: because you have...eat her brains...mmmm brains....*drool*
Me: wow and I thought it was only ion my dreams I could get Rodney to drool over me....

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 12:24 AM
Bob: Ok ok ok! Stop that! It's getting off topic! Let's go back to the callers... Caller number one... you're on!
Teyla: Hello, is this Radio Atlantis?
Bob: No... it's Radio Disney.
Teyla: My mistake... *hangs up*
Bob: No wait! I was going to ask for her number... *tear* Next caller...
Nader: What's the best kind of pie?
Bob: No... no... no... no! Ralph! That camping trip was fun, but stop calling! Next caller!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 12:31 AM
Andrea Ferrell: Elles you killed my father
Elles: no I m our father....
Me: actually she has your fathers *radios goes dwon* in her fridge next to *goes down again* along with Rodneys.
Bob: wow....Elles eats those too
Andrea: wow that makes sense why Rodney acts like such a baby.

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 12:35 AM
Elles: Ok... so I keep human flesh in my fridge. Truth is I feed it to my fish which I keep my picture of me and Joe Flanigan next too...
Sheppard: Who's Joe Flanigan?
Elles: He's you.
Sheppard: what?
Bob: Next caller...
Daniel Radcliffe: I've given it some more thought... ELLES, you're very mean to me!
Me: Oh John! I mean... *ahem* What was the question? Is that Daniel Radcliffe again? *loads shotgun and runs off*

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 12:43 AM
Bob: she clearly has issues....maybe some one should start an "Oh my God they killed Will Ferell, and no one cares" Thread just for her...and a Daniel Radcliff one too

Col. Shadow Quinn
August 8th, 2006, 12:48 AM
Me: Hello there.
Bob: hello Shadow Quinn.
Me: Great, I now have a starship: The Endeavor, thats how I got here.
Bob: What do you do on the Endeavor?
Me: Fight off the Lucian Alliance, Cardassians, Ori, Cylons, Enterprises A-D, and the Wraith.
Bob: How was the shakedown cruise?
Me: We fought the Lucian Alliance's new ship: the Lucian. The battle was hell, but we won in the end. The Asgard engineer is Baldur.
Bob: Do you have a personal life?
Me: Of course I do you dumbass!
Bob: Any missions lately?
Me: No, but we fought a Borg Tactical cube.
Bob: How did the battle go?
Me: Easier than I expected.
Bob: How's Earth doing?
Me: SGC got ancient upgrades including a better stargate. Now I have to leave to fight the Ori.
Bob: Okay then. Next caller.

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 12:49 AM
Elles: *comes back, cleaning blood off hands* Hey!
Bob: And anyway... next caller.
Eric Cartman: Yes... I'd like to order a trampoline...
Bob: Kid... this is a radio station... you have the wrong number... And now we'll have the first of many contests with a chance to win an all expenses paid trip to Athos. First caller to answer the question correctly wins the prize. Caller number one you're on!
Carmen Sandiego: Yes... what is the question.
Bob: The question is... which ship is the greatest, the Odyssey, the Daedalus, or Shweir?
Carmen Sandiego: I'm going to have to go with... Ronon/Sheppard...
Bob: That's not one of the choices...
Carmen Sandiego: Just send me to Athos!
Bob: Fine...
Elles: Wow... that was riveting... I'm going to turn in now... *drags Shep along with*

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 12:52 AM
*comes into the room*
me: hey what are you doing with sheppard gimme!
*grabs shepperds arm and pulls*
elles: no way hes mine *pulls back*
me: no hes not! hes mine *tugs again*
bob: well while those two fight over shepperd well just skip to the daily haha joke shall we?!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 12:55 AM
Me: I'll slove this King Solomon Style..who wants the top half?:D

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 12:57 AM
:eek:how could you?! i prefer my sheppys whole!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 01:03 AM
Well then according to Solomen you are his mother...go now....beore I change my mind....raise your son well...shame on Elles for squishing her Shep!! Shame.....wow I have got to stop paying attnetion during church...though I did giggle when we hada lesson on Ba'al.....though the spelling is questionable....

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 01:07 AM
hehehehe
bob: thank you pj1 that religeous rant was braught to you by the jesus fund (will pay good money to see a miricle) and back to the news with whats left of john shepperd!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 01:22 AM
John: oh God PJ1 why'd you have to give me a paper cut..I'd've rathe been cut in half....hurry Carson Medical emerganecy medical emerganecy....
Bob: now we'll have medical mysteries and Atlantis fetureing Carson

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 10:22 AM
Beckett: Well... while I don't beleive in patient confidentiality... I still find this ethically wrong...
Bob: Come on... do it for the ratings...
Beckett: Alright... Well... When you're in another galaxy you tend to get lots of medical mysteries, still not as many as Dr. House gets. For instance last week Major Lorne came in complaining about some purple spots all over his body. Turns out it was a highly evolved form of the chicken pox. Quite fascinating...
Bob: Not really... Looks like we have a caller has something to say... go right ahead.
Lorne: Beckett! I told you never to speak of that again! *hangs up*
Bob: And we have yet another calller...
Sauron: One ring to rule them all... one ring to find them. One ring to-
Bob: That's nice but if it has nothing to do with what Dr. Beckett's talking about, we don't want to hear it right now. Continue Dr. Beckett...
Beckett: Well there is the ever so not-well-known medical mystery where Colonel Sheppard contracted a retrovirus and was turning into a qumquat.
Bob: Really? And how did you solve that problem?
Beckett: We had dig up a bunch of qumquat seeds and use qumquat stem cells to save him.
Bob: Fascinating. How did he contract the retrovirus?
Beckett: He later revealed to me that he had had...
Sheppard: Do not ever speak of it again...
Beckett: Oh... Alright...
Bob: Well that's all the time we have for this segment today... Let's go back to the callers...

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 10:31 AM
bob:and another caller! welcome to the show
michael: hi bob i need some help i was wondering if shep could solve something for me
shep: well ask away
michael: well theres this crazy girl trying to kiss me and i dont know how to handle this
shep: well the best thing to do is let her michael let her get it out of her system
micheal: errr ok *sounds of kissing on the radio*
me: wow what a great kisser!
bob: and now back to the lines! we have another caller welcome your on the air!
unknown person (sounds al lot like mckay): yes i have a few home truths i'd like to share with you all
bob: well go right ahead
unknown person: well i saw carson and cadman sneak away from the mess yesterday afternoon
bob: oooh please continue
unknown person: well when i went to find him there were horrible noises coming from the cuboard so i figured i'd better leave them to it and walked out
bob: wow rumour city! wait we have another caller welcome your on the air
beckett: RODNEY YOU ASS!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 10:36 AM
Bob: now for our next Caller
House: was that Carson on the radio
Bob: you shouldn't be recieving this signal
House: right...liar
Bob: what is it you want to say to Carson
House: he has blood money waiting back home.....the deed has been done...Noble my ***
Bob: ok...next caller

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 10:40 AM
Bob: Alright... this'll good for ratings... let's have both Carson and McKay on at the same time.
McKay: What? We all know that medicine isn't actual science, what is it about you that deserves my respect?
Beckett: I let you kiss me!
McKay: That was Cadman's fault! And besides, I think you wanted me to do it...
Beckett: What?!?
McKay: Yeah...
Beckett: I'm going to get you! Why you little...
*sounds of choking*
Bob: Woah... wait... I thought you were in different rooms...
Beckett: We are... I'm using the power of the force...
Bob: Ok... whatever... next caller...

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 10:43 AM
Caller: my name is Han
Beckett: you killed my father you bloody B******
Han: no Beckett my lad...I am your Father
Beckett: Daddy....NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo
Bob: *cough* touching Starwars moment...there...next caller

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 10:47 AM
Sauron: Yes... I heard that a fifteen minute call could save me up to 10% on my car insurance.
Bob: Yes, but not on this number... next caller.
House: Teyla Emmagen is a Mary/Sue.
Bob: You already said that...
House: I'm saying it again...
Bob: Ok... anything else?
House: Stacey is a b*tch...
Bob: Excellent... next caller...

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 10:49 AM
zelenka: *yells angrily in czech*
bob: woah woah woah doc! english or wraith please!
zelenka: rodney is so annoying that little idiot borrowed my sunscreen used it and replaced it with tanning oil!
bob: really?!
zelenka: yes that little pzogney (made up word here folks lol) did and now im redder than a halfbaked lobster!
bob: so doc what is your revenge?
zelenka: this rodney i know about that blow up sam doll under your pillow AND the gym top you swiped from her locker
bob: oh my looks like were hitting on the home truths thank you dr zelenka anyone else got an embarressing thing to reveal or just want to rant and rave oh and please keep rodney away from any phones and zelenka lol so....any more truths and pranks you want to tell us about?!

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 10:56 AM
Zelenka: No. I have to kill Rodney...
Bob: Alright... Next caller...
Me: Hello Bob.
Bob: *annoyed sigh* Hello Elles...
Me: Just wanted to say that my quarters are across the hall from Sheppard's... *snicker* and he has Ronon over... *snicker* and they're having... *uncontrolled laughter*
Bob: Great... Next caller...

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 11:01 AM
bob: welcome to the air
me: hi bob!
bob: urg hi susie (short for susanne call me it if you want)
me: i just wanted to ask elles if i can pop round for a chat *snicker* and i braught the good rope *snicker* and i got something to show her!
bob: well thank you im sure you can keep elles amused and away from shepperd and ronon next caller!

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 11:08 AM
Daniel Radcliffe: *silence*
Bob: Hello?
Daniel Radcliffe: *silence*
Bob: Hello?
Daniel Radcliffe: Seven days...
Bob: Oh shut up, will you? Next caller...
Me: Hi Bob.
Bob: What?
Me: I was just wondering what Susie wants to talk to me about so badly...
Bob: Anything else?
Me: No, I have to go eat my pie.
Bob: You go do that...

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 11:14 AM
bob: another caller!maybe they can curb elles ways welcome your on the air
me: wassup?! i was wondering if elles wanted to come to my room for a party it has a great view ;) especially when you use binoculars *snicker* and i am across the towers from shep and ronon! so she can stop by whenever after 7 pm you'll find out when you come over *snicker*
bob: oh not another one! next caller NEXT CALLER!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 11:15 AM
(Elles I'm pleased to annonce that in my fic....I made note of people wanting to kill both Daniel Radcliff and Will Ferrell. In you honor :D)
Me: Hi Bob...I'm bored play the part where Simon (narim clone man) get's swarmed by killer bees it's sooothing
Bob: yet another 'Normal' person. Next caller

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 11:19 AM
Me: I'm over at susie's... *snicker* and I'm pleased to announce that what we've recorded of Sheppard and Ronon will be posted on YouTube in the near future... *uncontrolled laughter.... again*
Bob: God! Next caller! Please!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 11:23 AM
Me: Hi again bob.
Bob: cruel world *cocks gun and points at head*
Me: aer you gonna kill yourself...
Bob: no I'm goign to end my misery
Me: why?
Bob: because you called
Me: why?
Bob: because youa re annoying
Me: Why?
Bob: because..you were born that way.
Me: why?
Bob: because the amount of toxic minerals in the water.
Me: why?
Bob: *loud bang and blood spurt*
Carson: we are expeirencing some...technical diffioculties....stay tuned. Clear!!! Clear!! we're loosing him. We'll be back after this short break :D

susanne
August 8th, 2006, 11:25 AM
me:hahahaha attention radio station listeners if youdont want to hear what shep and ronon were up to last night you'd best bring them to our rooms by sundown tonight hehehe or else now lets have elles with the blackmail report

DaveSG-3
August 8th, 2006, 11:27 AM
ME: we are all screwed the wraith are coming with 20 hive ships

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 8th, 2006, 01:59 PM
Bob: Augghhh... That hurt... Fortunately, McKay's cat was handy...
Cadman: WHAT?! I thought you weren't a Wraith!
Bob: ... Uh... Well... I'm... Look! Beckett's gotten his shirt ripped off!
Cadman: WHERE? WHERE?
Bob: (takes another dose of Wraith retro-virus, and is safe once more) Whew...
Cadman: Hey! Carson's not topless!
Bob: He is under his lab coat.
Cadman: That clever, sexy doctor of mine... (drools and heads off)
Bob: That... Was profoundly disturbing. Even with everything else that's gone on this show.
McKay: You're telling me?
Bob: Okay, anyway, since this show has gone completely to hell and back... Or maybe now I should be saying "Elle"... It's time to get it back on track! Next caller!
Caldwell: Sergeant... What did I tell you about the radio show?
Bob: Uhhhh... It's... It's not my fault, sir! I swear!
Caldwell: Sergeant... Miss Emmagan has invited me to dinner in her quarters tonight. I will be cooking her a wonderful meal, and we'll be spending the evening talking and looking through a telescope I brought from Earth. The Atlantis Radio Show will be playing, since for some reason she enjoys it. I want that show to be entertaining, educational, and humorous. Not insane, or pornographic, or having any of Dr. Weir's preferred music playing.
Bob: Uh... Yes sir?
Caldwell: If you screw this up, Sergeant, I'll have you serving as Daniel Jackson's bodyguard.
Bob: Holy sh*t! Yes sir! Understood, sir!
Caldwell: Good. Caldwell out. (hangs up)
Bob: ... Lovely. Well then... I think we're in trouble. ELLES! PJ1! SUSANNE! GET YOUR BUTTS UP HERE! I NEED YOUR HELP! Oh, wait, we have a caller...
Andrew: Bob...?
Bob: Andrew?
Andrew: Seriously Bob... I rescue you, bring you to Earth, give you a history, get you to be human, help you appreciate being human, and this is what you do with it?
Bob: It's not my fault! Blame your girlfriend and her crazy accomplices!
Andrew: ... Elles is not my girlfriend.
Bob: Well look! I'm in a bit of a quandry here! Can you help me?
Andrew: Allright allright allright... The Abydos will be landing in two hours. I'm going to help you put on a good show.
Bob: How?
Andrew: One, I'll co-host it. And two... I'm bringing zats.
Bob: ... That'll work.
Andrew: Good! See you in a few hours then.

(Time Change: That evening...)

(In Teyla's Quarters...)
Teyla: This meal was wonderful, Colonel! THank you very much, I am honored!
Caldwell: My pleasure. I haven't made stirfry in a while. Glad I haven't lost my touch.
Teyla: I must admit, I was surprised that you accepted my invitation to visit my people, Colonel. Your predcessors did not respond in the same way.
Caldwell: Unfortunately, they didn't appreciate the situation. You are our allies. They saw you, I'm sorry to say, as in the way. For that, I must apologize.
Teyla: (smile) No apology is nessecary, Colonel. Can we listen to Radio Atlantis now?
Caldwell: (smile) Certainly... (turns it on)

(In the studio...)
Andrew: Okay Bob... The transdimensional comms array is online... The main bus is operating... And Elles, PJ1, and Susanne are all happy with their VR simulations of McKay, John, and Daniel.
Bob: Respectively?
Andrew: No. Each.
Bob: ...
Andrew: Yeah. Anyway, it's only kept them occupied for a few hours, but hopefully it'll keep them calm for the show.
John: It'd better, Captain, or I'll have Tyr program the Abydos intercom to play nothing but Weir's Greatest Hits!
Andrew: Lt. Colonel... I saved Tyr's life. He's my trusted Asgard advisor. He would do no such thing.
Tyr: (over the radio) Don't be so sure, Captain.
Andrew: Damnit! Allright then, let's get this show on the road...
Bob: (cues the introduction music, which is the "Atlantis" opening theme) Hello! I'm Technical Sergeant Bob... Smith! United States Air Force...
John: I'm Lt. Colonel John Sheppard... Ditto.
Andrew: And I'm US Navy Captain Andrew J. Talon. Welcome to Radio Atlantis!
John: We have a wonderful show for you folks tonight. First up, current news in Atlantis. Then, Bob and I interview Captain Talon and the rest of the crew of the Abydos (strangely made up almost entirely by people with the names of anime characters), on their first patrol in the Pegasus Galaxy. After that, Dr. Elles continues her series on "Kirking"... (eyebrow twitch). During which we'll have callers...
(Distantly Heard from Caldwell's Quarters: "For the love of God...")
Bob: After that, we'll interview some of the celebrities who were part of the recent USO show here in Atlantis. Including Sir Elton John, Robin Williams, Morgan Freeman, Kelly Clarkson, Micheal McDonald of the Doobie Brothers, the bands Nightwish, The Fray, and Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld.
John: You'd be amazed at how many celebrities were enthused about the USO, and, well... The United States in general when they were approached about coming to another galaxy.
Andrew: (snort) And after that, we'll have "Pegasus Galaxy Astronomy" with Dr. McKay and Puddlejumper 1. Dr. McKay will point out interesting features of this galaxy viewable through a telescope, and PJ1 will draw constellations for our amusement.
Bob: So, let's get started!

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 03:57 PM
Weir: Wait, wait, wait!
Bob: Oh God... not another interuption...
Weir: Elles got bored of the Virtual Sheppard... and well... so did I.
Bob: You were using it too?
Weir: *nervous laugh* Well anyway... we should probably do her segment now to keep her occupied.
Bob: Fine... fine... Please welcome Dr. Elles to the show...
Me: Oh hello! As you all remember, last time I had Dr. McKay he left in a huff. Well, using my gifts of persuasion I got him to come back. Please welcome Dr. Rodney McKay.
McKay: *sarcastically* Oh what a pleasure...
Me: So tell me, Rodney... What horrible experiences did you have as a child.
McKay: My parents hated each other and blamed me.
Me: Yes we all heard that story in Letters from Pegasus... What else?
McKay: Not much else...
Me: Well obviously you were unloved... but what is it that drove you to Kirk with men?
McKay: *stands up* THAT WAS CADMAN'S FAULT!
Me: Was it?
McKay: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
Me: I want to help you, Rodney... please sit down.
McKay: I DON'T BELEIVE YOU!
Me: Fine... Just answer me this... why?
McKay: Why what?
Me: Why were you incapable of restraining Cadman from taking over and making you kiss Beckett?
McKay: Well... I suppose I was in emotional toil...
Me: That can't have been enough. Some part of you must've known what she was going to do... but you didn't resist hard enough... Why?
McKay: Well I dunno...
Me: You may not admit it... but some part of you wanted her to do it.
McKay: THAT IS BLASPHEMOUS!
Me: Even so, you must learn to face reality...
McKay: Oh cruel world! Why did I agree to do this?
Me: Because you want to come out of denial. Don't worry, admitting you are gay won't cause us to like you any less than we already do.
McKay: *sob* I don't have any friends... *has emotional breakdown*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 8th, 2006, 04:20 PM
Andrew: God damnit Elles, you broke him!
McKay: (sobbing hysterically and clutching a security blanket) Waaaahhhh!
Bob: I'm so doomed...
John: Yes, well... Elles! Get McKay back to sanity! He'll need it to work with PJ1...
Elles: Oh, you guys are no fun...
John: With that segment out of the way (for now), let's turn to the news! Bob?
Bob: Right, thanks John. In the Pegasus galaxy, it appears that Wraith cullings have been on the decline. Rumor has it that Colonel Sheppard's team has something to do with it...
John: (smile)
Bob: But, there's probably another explanation.
John: Hey!
Bob: In other news, it appears that Will Ferrell is well and truly dead, along with his son, and most of his extended family. Police are not about to launch a manhunt until someone can provide a reason to put the killer behind bars.
John: The weather for Atlantis is going to be rather sunny for the next few days. Unfortunately, thanks to the Science Section's latest experiment with Ancient technology, it may rain pink ice cubes at random intervals.
Bob: ... And why the Ancients came up with a machine like that remains a total mystery. Let's see... Colonel Caldwell is apparently dating Teyla Emmagan! Since Caldwell doesn't Kirk, it seems he is infinitelyt preferable to Colonel Sheppard.
John: I hate you on so many levels right now.
Bob: I know, sir. Let's see... A shipment of four tons of chocolate and coffee has been delivered from the Abydos.
(Everyone on Atlantis practically: "THANK YOU GOD!")
Bob: As you know, coffee and chocolate are the preferred foods of Stargate personnel anywhere. Moving right along... President George W. Bush has approved a ten percent budget increase to the Stargate Program. This is only weeks after the imposter president Richard Hayes was kicked out of office after impersonating the President of the United States for nearly two years, and using Goa'uld technology to make everyone think he himself was the President.
John: Man, that's messed up.
Bob: Tell me about it. Anyway, President Bush is expected to make a trip to Atlantis in the near future, along with other Earth leaders, to show their support to the expedition.
John: In other news... Again... The NFL's first round of draft picks will begin in two weeks. We should get video of it three weeks after it is all over. Which, needless to say, will be tragic to all members of the expedition.
Bob: Yeah, right.
John: What was that?!
Bob: Er, nothing sir... And that's it for the news. Now, on to our interview with Captain Talon, about his ship the Abydos. Captain, glad to have you here.
Andrew: Nice to be here.
Sheppard: So, Captain, mind telling us about your ship?
Andrew: Well, the Abydos is a 305 class guided missile cruiser. She is the first starship built and operated by the US Navy, and the first of her class. Outfitted with a space-modified version of the AEGIS combat system, a cloaking device salvaged from a Tel'tac, the latest generation of rail and coil guns, and our first operational laser weapon, she is the cutting edge of Tau'ri technology. Our Asgard engineer, Tyr, has been with us since the shakedown cruise nearly a year ago.
Sheppard: Ah... So, how big a ship is she?
Andrew: Abydos measures roughly 190 meters in length, with a mass about one-fourth that of a Daedalus-class starship. She has a crew of over 90, but can accomodate up to 200 people in an emergency. She has standard Asgard shielding, sensor, hyperdrive and transporter technology.
Bob: So, what have you been doing on your first patrol here in Pegasus?
Andrew: Actually, considering that our missions in the Milky Way were against the Ori, we've been doing some relatively relaxing recon and stellar observations. We proved that our laser weapon is very effective against Wraith fighter squadrons and cruisers in a few skirmishes. However, we haven't gone up against any hiveships. The other missions we've been on, are, unfortunately, classified. Though we have been sending chocolates and love letters from Teyla to Michael.
John: ... Uh... Why?
Andrew: Because it's funny. Duh.
Bob: Good to know, captain! But, since Elles is now frothing a bit at the mouth, why don't we let her interview you for a while now?
Andrew: Uh... Okay?

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 04:28 PM
Me: *head on desk* Mr. Sulu, set a course for the second star to the right, and strait on 'til... Huh, what? Oh sorry.
Bob: Oh... she was asleep... that's why...
Me: Whatever, I have to go eat my pie now...
Bob: You should probably fix McKay now...
Me: *evil grin* I'll go get "My First Electric Shock Therapy Kit" from Fisher Price then... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Bob: You've gotta feel sorry for McKay right now... And let's go to the callers! Caller number one... you're on...

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 8th, 2006, 04:33 PM
Eric Cartman: Ay! I want to hear John Sheppard beg for his pants, not listen to some homo starship captain!
Bob: Gee, thanks for letting us know that. Next caller, please.
Michael: ******* YOU STUPID EARTH HUMANS, STOP STALKING ME!
Andrew: We're not stalking you. We're harassing you. There's a difference... That's what the Admiral said, anyway...
Bob: Michael, we're really, really sorry about... All that stuff. C'mon man, come back! You can still get Teyla!
Michael: What makes you think I want a human female?
Bob: ... Because she's hot?
Michael: ... There is that. (hangs up)
John: ... Great job, Bob. Now he's going to come after us again!
Bob: What? We can kick his ass! Anyway, next caller...
Cher: Why the hell didn't I get chosen for the Pegasus concert?!
John: ... Because we're saving you for an anti-Wraith weapon.
Cher: Excuse me?
Bob: The Wraith can't feed on plastic, after all, which makes you the ideal-
Cher: You are so sued! (hangs up)
Bob: Sheesh... Anyway, next caller.

Elles
August 8th, 2006, 04:43 PM
Me: I thought I might like to share McKay's electric shock therapy session with everyone...
McKay: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Bob: That's gotta be a violation of human rights... Next caller...
Voice: I am your creator, John.
Sheppard: God?
Voice: No, Brad Wright.
Sheppard: Oh... well that got boring really quick...
Bob: Next caller...
Ba'al: Help! All my Ba'als are trying to kill me!
Bob: Ok... Next caller...

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 8th, 2006, 07:22 PM
Oma: One does not open the window without checking the door.
Bob: Uh... Yeah... Whatever. Next caller...
John: Why the hell did we turn that trans-dimensional array on anyway?
Andrew: Because McKay thought it would be cool.
McKay: IT WOULD'VE! AAAUUUUUGHHHHHH!
Caldwell: Sergeant? Unless you get control of your radio show in the next five minutes, you're Daniel Jackson's human shield.
Bob: ACK! Yes sir! Yes sir!
Andrew: Told you we'd need them... (zats Elle)
Elle: GACK! (falls over)
Bob: Oh thank God...
McKay: Indubitably... (wince) Can someone help me?
Andrew: Sure!
Bob: Anyway, moving right along... Time for our interview with the first of the USO performers who came to the Pegasus Galaxy... The one, the only, Morgan Freeman!

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 07:52 PM
Me: ello guys....after Rodney got the shockes attahced to his Lord Ba'als (Teyla spits out her drink all over Caldwel) he got better....even before she attcahed them....moving on...we will be doing star thingys.
Rodney: uhhhh yes moving on...we will first explor Cassiopeia....
Me: :eek: Cassie peed on what!!!!
Rodney: no cassiopea
Me: ohhhh.....I hope it wasn't the sofa.
Rodney: moving on.....
Me: yes Cassiepeedonmysofa is very coool....made up of gas from Rodney huge butt....and it's shiny :D
Rodney: now little known to most earthlings....under Orion there is a Galaxy
Me: must be Orions lord Ba'als
Rodney:...but it can't been seen by the naked eye
Me: :eek: you can put clothes on your eyes!!!!
Rodney: there is also Andromeda
Me: I didn't like that show much
Rodney: and the MilkyWay
Me: ther are Candy bars in space.....!!!
Rodney: and of course the lovley Pegasus.
Me: a horsey...with wings....for you stupid people.///
Rodney: you know PJ you are really getting on my nerves
Me: awww your sweet....
Rodney: shut up
Me: Bob hurted my feelgoods *runs of crying*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 8th, 2006, 08:25 PM
Me: ello guys....after Rodney got the shockes attahced to his Lord Ba'als (Teyla spits out her drink all over Caldwel) he got better....even before she attcahed them....moving on...we will be doing star thingys.
Rodney: uhhhh yes moving on...we will first explor Cassiopeia....
Me: :eek: Cassie peed on what!!!!
Rodney: no cassiopea
Me: ohhhh.....I hope it wasn't the sofa.
Rodney: moving on.....
Me: yes Cassiepeedonmysofa is very coool....made up of gas from Rodney huge butt....and it's shiny :D
Rodney: now little known to most earthlings....under Orion there is a Galaxy
Me: must be Orions lord Ba'als
Rodney:...but it can't been seen by the naked eye
Me: :eek: you can put clothes on your eyes!!!!
Rodney: there is also Andromeda
Me: I didn't like that show much
Rodney: and the MilkyWay
Me: ther are Candy bars in space.....!!!
Rodney: and of course the lovley Pegasus.
Me: a horsey...with wings....for you stupid people.///
Rodney: you know PJ you are really getting on my nerves
Me: awww your sweet....
Rodney: shut up
Me: Bob hurted my feelgoods *runs of crying*

Bob: ... That was PJ1. A prime example of why crack is bad for you. Now, can we please get on with the Morgan Freeman interview?

Sam fisher
August 8th, 2006, 08:28 PM
OMG, this is so funny. :D

Commander Jumper
August 8th, 2006, 08:31 PM
Bob: ... That was PJ1. A prime example of why crack is bad for you. Now, can we please get on with the Morgan Freeman interview?
Me: Bob you and Rodney are jerks...I liked you both better in the simulations....:mad:
Bob: I'm disturbed now

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 9th, 2006, 07:45 AM
John: Now?!
Bob: Good point... Next caller!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 07:55 AM
Caller: hello i'm Mario Batalli!!
Bob: oh God no!!!
John: his shoes...the horror!!!
Bob: I always thought they were nice
John: they're ugly.

*Now an interview with Morgan Freeman*

John: I undertsand you and that guys....who's name slipped my mind....well he's not important...JIM CAREY!!! played God.
Morgan: yes....I am God
John: no you played God
Morgan: you can think that
John: you also narrorated for War of the Worlds
Mogan: I led the attack
John: it was a movie
Morgan: you don't believe me...fine...Atlantis is overrated anyway. *leaves*
John: ok...our next star JOE FLANIGAN!!!! and Girls he so hot...I'd go gay for him.....
Joe: mostly because we're the same person right
John: sure
Joe: ok......
John: we're taking callers
Me: John Joe hi
John and Joe: oh Lord help us
Me: I sorta traded your bunny undies for a pair of glasses...and your christmas socks for a pair of Rodneys undies.
Joe: you traded my socks for Rodney's underwear....
John: ohh can I see
Joe: seriously dude...your creeping me out
John: I'm your alter ego...I'm different
Joe: if your different that way...I'm scared
John: Only a smidgen
Me: Smidgen :D
Joe: what's so funny
Me: nothing....judt that word reminds me of John's undie size
Joe: ok this has gone on far enough...I'm grossed out...and leaving

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 07:57 AM
me: hiiii again bob
bob: oh not again!
me:i got something to tell shep& rodney....
bob: well go ahead
me: are they missing a pair of boxers each?!
shep: well i am missing some duckeys and a pair of.....HEY! SHE STOLE MY BOXERS!
rodney: I WANT MY LEMON BOXERS BACK!
me: all in due time boys but you've got to earn it now what to trade for.....
bob: NEXT CALLER!!!!!!!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:01 AM
Me: hi rodney...I'll give you back your boxers if *radio goes down* ex with chikens *falls again* and a pie
Rodney: you are sick and twisted
Me: I try.....I do
John: i'll do it for my undies back
Me: nope youhave to *radio falls* pineapple with banana's *radio falls again* hamburger with *falls again* Mary Poppins

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 08:04 AM
me: no he has to be my *radio goes down* ky slave and *radio goes down* nothing but an apron and rodney has to *radio goes down* with a duck then *radio goes down again* pj1 with nothing but an apron on :D

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:17 AM
me: no he has to be my *radio goes down* ky slave and *radio goes down* nothing but an apron and rodney has to *radio goes down* with a duck then *radio goes down again* pj1 with nothing but an apron on :D
Me::lol: good Idea Susanne :D but try this instead *radio falls* lion cloth *falls again* chinese fire balls *falls again* to his Lord B*falls again* but make sure the duck is fully *falls again* bathed in chocolate *falls agian* Pinapples will work too the cure e *falls again* but it's not safe with out protection so I adives you use a helmet *falls agian* but cheese will work.

Rodney: I need counselling now
John: what you didn't before

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 08:19 AM
Me::lol: good Idea Susanne :D but try this instead *radio falls* lion cloth *falls again* chinese fire balls *falls again* to his Lord B*falls again* but make sure the duck is fully *falls again* bathed in chocolate *falls agian* Pinapples will work too the cure e *falls again* but it's not safe with out protection so I adives you use a helmet *falls agian* but cheese will work.

Rodney: I need counselling now
John: what you didn't before
me: that is the best idea i've heard! lets do that shep rodney.....were coming for you!!!
bob: shep rodney....run now.....NEXT CALLER!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:22 AM
Me: Rodders...you've got...Rodders,John you have half a second....start running boys.....:D *Evil Smirk*
Bob: please puase for a breif interpurtion...we need to call security.

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 9th, 2006, 08:29 AM
Bob: Okay... After zatting and tying up PJ1, we're ready to continue...
Kelly Clarkson: Wow... Can I stay here in Atlantis? Please?
John: I'm all for it.
Bob: Uh... Why? I mean... There isn't a very large population of paying customers here...
Kelly Clarkson: Well, to be honest, I REALLY need a vacation.
McKay: ... You do realize that we're at war here, right? With a race of vampiric aliens?
Kelly Clarkson: Not much different from back home. Just replace "aliens" with "fans" or "producers". Besides, you guys have cooks. Don't military expeditions have singers too?
John: Uh... Well... You'll have to bring that up with Dr. Weir.
Kelly Clarkson: Allright... Bye! Thanks for having me!
Bob: And I thought celebrities were weird enough when they were on Earth...

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:35 AM
Me: Mal would be all over Atlantis if her knew Kelly was here :D *tries to break free of ropes*

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 08:38 AM
bob: now then back to callers...welcome your on the air
me: mwahahahaha hi again bob just to say i got rodney unfortunatly shep got away now release pj1 or i torture rodney on the air
bob: uhhh well one minute *whispers security track that signal* well were getting pj1 now and...
me: ok then rodney guess what i got...
rodney: LEMONS ARGGGG!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:49 AM
Me: Nooooooooo breaks free of ropes. *Runs to where they're hiding*. you give me Rodney...I'll help you catch Shep...I have a plan

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 9th, 2006, 08:49 AM
Bob: (holds his head in his hands) God, I hate humans...
McKay: AIIIIEEEEEEE!!!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 08:52 AM
Me: I need hair gel and a smoke machine....maybe a whit sheet and some shrapies

jesserella
August 9th, 2006, 08:57 AM
Me: i have an anti lemon gun i could let you borrow :D

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 09:12 AM
me : ok ok puts the lemin down and squishes it happy mckay?! that was my last lemon!! so pj1 whats the plan?!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 09:15 AM
Me: ok we need you to take over the radio.....
Susanne: uh hu
Me: I need youi to write 'Hair Gell Goddess on that sheet.
Susanne *writes it*
Me: now go over to the radio and say "John this is the hair gel Goddess Susannegel. Be my love and I will bless you with many bottles of ahir Gel." when he comes I'll que th soke machine...he'll be sitten
Bob: you know your on a live feed now
Me: ****

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 09:17 AM
me: s*** well we can always go with plan b i got a few supersokers full of glue we then hog tie him and well thats it lol

jesserella
August 9th, 2006, 09:18 AM
me: i need you to lend me rodney for an hour or so :P

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 09:19 AM
Me: exellent...now we need to tkae his hair gel and tell him where it is....then hide untill he comes...then wham!! soak him ^ok you can "borrow' him and have "fun" ok

jesserella
August 9th, 2006, 09:21 AM
me: i will :D
and ^ have fun too with the soaking and what not

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 9th, 2006, 09:21 AM
Caldwell: (bursts into the studio) Allright, that's it!
Bob: Ack! Sir!
Caldwell: Sergeant, you are Dr. Jackson's bodyguard as of right now. It was nice knowing you.
Bob: NOOOOOOOOO!
Andrew: Ouch... That sucks.

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 09:23 AM
Me: sorry bob :( have fun in hell :D
Bob: I'll save you a room

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 09:30 AM
me: ouch.............so who's taking over the broadcast?!
michael: me!
me: woop i like this!!!!

Amann
August 9th, 2006, 10:36 AM
me: ouch.............so who's taking over the broadcast?!
michael: me!
me: woop i like this!!!!

*kicks michael off a balcony*

Im hijacking this station, there will be a nonstop hour of rock
Micheal: I like rock!
Me: Oh.....join me then, lol

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 12:14 PM
amann get out of my way!
*pushes amann out*
me: hello faithful viewers and welcome back "we" have hi-jacked this station and are planning more things to come so stay tuned and see what we do mwahahahahahahahaha!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 12:21 PM
me: in a few moments I will be torturing I mean interveiw Rodney with my love I mean words :D stay tuned

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 12:25 PM
but first a word from our sponsers the makers of "how to trap your crush" manual
voice: are you dying to tell someone you love them?! will they never understand how much you desire them?! well grab our book "how to trap your crush- 101 ways to get that man" and take a gander your sure to find some fantastic tips on setting the bait and trapping that guy! we garentee a success!

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 12:36 PM
Me: did we ever catch Sheppard with the glue and super soakers?

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 12:40 PM
me: wait for it........
shep: ARGGGG!
me: i love that book.....

Commander Jumper
August 9th, 2006, 01:22 PM
Me: indeed *looks at Rodney hanging by his foot from a rope*

susanne
August 9th, 2006, 01:24 PM
now back to the show we wil show you what a real show is about and were gonna make it interesting the first 10 people to call in and suggest great torture meathods (non lethal preffered) gets a seat to watch us do it.......LIVE!

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 02:55 AM
me: well we have a caller hello there!
someone: i am not radek zelenka!
me: good good tell us what you have?
someone: i have in my possession a truth serum that will have rodney spilling his guts out with one drop
me: OOOOH we have to have that! youve won yourself a place just bring it along and witness his torture by pj1's love first hand! NEXT CALLER!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 04:49 AM
Me: ok caller your up
Elles: Will Ferell
Me: Perfect.....next caller

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 04:54 AM
me: well folks thats two down and eight places to go so call in quick and get your places! oh and one more thing.......HHHIIIIIII MICHAEL!! lol
michael: s*it someone hide me for the love of god HIDE ME!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 05:10 AM
Caller: Hi I know one....leave Suseanne and PJ1 in a room full of hot guys
PJ1: genious...why didn't I think about that?
Caller: because your stupid
Me: good enough :D

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 05:24 AM
yay! another good reason! oh another caller welcome your on the air
mckay: for the love of all things deceint.....UNTIE ME!
me: pj1 do you think we should untie rodders?
*pj1 shakes her head*
me: sorry rodney the answer is no.......NEXT CALLER! :D

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 05:39 AM
caller: hey, try dipping Rodney in a pool of lemon juice
me: sorry, the point of this is nonleathal, so you don't win those seats
caller: wait, if you don't get me those seats i'll posts those pictures of you and Teyla on the internet
me: it looks like we got another winner

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 05:48 AM
Good one guys :lol:
Me: hi.....Greg House is on the air
House: if you want to torture them...do it properly....treat them for the wrong diseases...thwn ignore them
Me: your House....you win two tickets...bring Wilson....so I can um....interview him.
House: Hey Wilson...you wanna got to Atlantis for your birthday?
Wilson: Sweet...can I sleep with Teyla?
House: I thought you'd rather sleep with John
Wilson: you know...I'm not gay
House: wow....but you were great last night
Wilson: your an A$$ you know that
House: I try
Me: ok see you there Wilson....bye Doctors

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 05:54 AM
me: important news bulliten!!!!!!!!
we are holding a HUGE b.day bash for wilson! straight after the torturing of course ;) and maybe a bit more during the bash...
everyone: PARTY PARTY PARTY!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 05:59 AM
Wilson: yeah!!!! I'm turniong 38.....
Me: and he's recently...divorced *raises eyebrows* mum says he's too old for me....he's two years older than Daniel!!! Fer crying out loud!!!!
Wilson: and I've slept with every nurse in New Jersy...twice.
Me: Wilson the interveiw...is later....now our next caller
Caller: hello...I have to warn you....I had a dream....the wriath are coming to Atlantis
Me: Allison??? your a washed up Psychic.....we don't believe in you
---mean while on the edge of the galaxy----
:wraithqueen10:: oh my god oh my god oh my god!!!! Wilson...
:wraith:: shall I srt a course for Atlantis?
:wraithqueen17:: yes!!!!

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 06:00 AM
hahahahaha yay! steves coming to the party!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 06:10 AM
and a Wraith queen
Wilson: I dated her once.....she's great in-
House: Wilson I'm hurt....
Wilson: you should have felt it when she caressed my cheek...now that...hurt!

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 06:14 AM
me:well lets get off bedroom manners shall we? lets talk to the party guests
hellooo queenie!
queen wraith: where is wilson we want wilson me well he's right here!
*hands over the phone*

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 06:18 AM
me: you better move Wilson, the queen is looking for you
Wilson: Queen La Teefa
me: no, that one *wraith queen grabs Wilson*
Wilson: ahhhhhhh, wraith mating hurts

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 06:21 AM
Me: Scuse me Wraith queen...
Wraith: yeah?
Me *blast a hole in her* your safe now Wilson
Wilson:gee.....she told me she was going to get revenge on me after finding me with her sister
Hosue: and her brother
Wilson : I'M NOT GAY!!!
House: what what...your gay?

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 06:24 AM
Wilson: i'm absolutely sure that i'm not gay
House: then why do you sleep with Barbie
Wilson: hey, who told you?

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 06:43 AM
House: you know Wilson....you really whould have been Cuddy's donor
Wilson: WFT?
House: ohhh that's right...she forgot to tell you that was why she took you out on a date
Wilson: what?
House: oh come on.....all those pills....the way she looked at you....we all knew she didn't have caner
Wilson: ok....why didn't she pick me?
House: well isn't it obvious....she wants me!!!
Wilson: your more full of your self than Rodney

Rodney: I heard thar
Me: shut up and let me kiss you
Rodney: oh God no!!!

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 07:01 AM
me: oh look, we have another caller for Rodney's torture sweepstakes
caller: cut his genitals off
Rodney: you're a sick person
caller: you realize how horrible they felt when i was in your body
Rodney: Cadman?
me: oh, look, we have another winner, i have no idea how many more seats are left
Rodney: Cadman, you're evil
caller: at least the next time you have the hots for John it won't be so weird anymore

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 07:07 AM
Me: next caller
Caller: hi!!!
Me: who is this
Caller: Johnny Depp
Me *faints* ah your not so hot...now the comedor in the second movie...he was hot...oh BTW...I liked you in 'Secret Window'
Johnny: thanks I was goignt to say....I've found that....seeing your wife in bed with another man, well not my wife, but the one in the movie...totures the soul
Me: then you cutt her head off with a shovel
Johnny: yes
Me: well no offesnse Johnny, you're a great actor, but shouldn't the credit go to Stephen King? he did write that...
Johnny: good point..but i'm sexier
Me: but he wrote Riding the bullet
Johnny: so
Me: ok come over....

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 07:19 AM
me: only two more seats remain, who will they be?
caller: hello
me: yes
caller: hello, i'm Rodney's mother
me: how did you get this number
caller: long story, anyway, i called because i've got the perfect thing for Rodney, he still believes in the monster in the closet
Rodney: how could you, mother
caller: Rodney, i never liked bisexuals

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 07:32 AM
Me: Rodney...come back here *pulls Rodney into hallway by collar*
Mom: aboutt time my little Rodders got a woman to keep him in check
Rodney *yelling from hall* she's only 15!!!
Mom: what...she's fifty....Rodney I'm fifty
Rodney: she's a fifteen year old, obsessive compulsive, fangirl..who has falllen madly in love with me becuase of a fanvid....
Me: shut up you

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 07:40 AM
*locks pj1 with Rodney in holding cell*

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 07:41 AM
Thanks Gatebuster *winks* ohhh Rodders
Rodney: oh no God No!!! some one please...end the toture...I'd rather have died in the freezing Puddle Jumper alone than with her
Me: i'm a puddle Jumper
Rodney: I always choose the worst things to say

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 07:46 AM
me: congratulations pj1 you're the final winner for the Rodney's torture sweepstakes
Rodney: crap, that means the torture starts now, in front of an audience

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 07:53 AM
Me: Yippers Rodders!! I winned...that means I get to torture you *evil grin*
Rodney: oh God!!!
Me: sooo what should we do first
Rodney: let me go?
Me: awww your soo cute when avoiding situtaions you'd rather be hanging off oa rope over a cage of lions than be in.
Rodney: sure
Me: I was thinking...of...tickeling you. Followed by kissing you...followed by *radio falls* with a DUCK!!!! and then eat lemons off *radios falls* your head. peirce your *radio falls* *laughter* you'r Lord Ba'als!!! *more laughter*
Rodney: you know PJ1...after you get past the crazy demeanor, the deformed face, and the stlakish phone calls your really quite funny
Me: thanks Rodders :D
Rodney: never call me that

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:06 AM
me: pj1 don't take too long, later i'm doing an interview with Rodney on our newest segment Gay People Reveiled
Rodney: actually pj1, take as long as you need to make me suffer

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:10 AM
Me: ok Rodders :D
Rodeny: I was kidding.
Me: Gatebuster...Rodders isn't gay....he just runs from woman becuase he has a disorder that makes him go under massive amounts of stress when approaching women
Rodeny: wow Pj1 you make me feel SOOO much batter
Me: thanks Rodders
Rodney: I was baing sarcastic.
House: yipee...my twin

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:17 AM
me: remember that one time you kissed Carson
Rodney: that was Cadman!
me: oh sure, nice excuse
Rodney: i'm telling the truth
me: i bet the only reason why you kissed him at the time was so it would be easier to blame Cadman
Rodney: shut up
me: besides, your own mother said you were bi
Rodney: shut up

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:19 AM
Me: now Gatebuster.....poor Rodders is just confused...he's going through an akward stage. Hair is appearing in odd places
Rodney: Pj1 shut up before you make your self look even stupider
Me: jerk

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:22 AM
me: i bet hair is growing in that arrow wound in your buttocks, i bet you got perked up when Carson was attending to you *Rodney tackles gatebuster*

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:24 AM
Me: ok you two break it up......you're both my friends
Rodney: I'm not your friend
Me: shut up you!!! so stop this fighting or...or..i'll take all the hair gel away

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:27 AM
Rodney: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:29 AM
Sheppard: now Rodney Gatebuster...don't be stupid

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:32 AM
me: oh yah, iforgot, the other nine contestants still need to torture Rodney
Rodney: screw you gatebuster

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:34 AM
Me: ok you two...this has gone on long enough......
Rodney: PJ1??? what are you doing Me *pulls out gun*
Gatebuster: don't be stupid PJ1
Me: I should have done this along time ago
Rodeny: *cringes*
Me:*shoots Daniel* I wanted at least one turn at it
Rodeny: oh my God..she killed Daniel

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:35 AM
:lol: you [email protected][email protected]%#

i couldn't resist

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:39 AM
I know..I was hoping for that reaction :p

Me: he'll come back
Rodney: well do it on the right thread already!!!

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:40 AM
that would make a nice for the other thread

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:42 AM
yeah it would...maybe once I stop being lazy I'll post a link :D :lol:

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:45 AM
i'll add it to the thread if you want me too

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:48 AM
ok :D I'm not much in the mood for doing any thing....I nearly killed my mum for asking me how many inches is 50 cm....

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:52 AM
done

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:53 AM
thanks a bundel.....you just saved me from wastuing my lazy time :D

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 08:55 AM
iin a few minutes i'm getting off the air, my dad wants the computer, i'll probably be back in an hour

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 08:57 AM
Me: hear that my main sqeezes??? yup :( Gatebuster has to leave for a bit....but don't worry my compadres..Gatebuster will return :D

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 08:58 AM
Weir: richard simmons will take over physical training

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 09:00 AM
Me: Richard Simmons??? *Grabs guns from armory and arms her clones* let's move out..we'll find that life sucking sucker soon

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:01 AM
me: attention all listeners.....WERE SCREWED! ronon has decided to take up cooking! :eek: children and cowerds first!!!!!!!!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 09:03 AM
Kavanugh :out of my way!!!!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 09:03 AM
me: attention all listeners.....WERE SCREWED! ronon has decided to take up cooking! :eek: children and cowerds first!!!!!!!!
lol
Weir: ronan has made his first meal
Shepard: Mcay u try it first
Mcay: why me
Shep: weir said cowards and children first

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:05 AM
hahaha lol
mckay:im not trying it get beckett to!
shep: beckett's done a runner with bates, kavanagh and steve
mckay: oh that makes me feel so much better *hint of sarcasm*

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 09:07 AM
hahaha lol
mckay:im not trying it get beckett to!
shep: beckett's done a runner with bates, kavanagh and steve
mckay: oh that makes me feel so much better *hint of sarcasm*
Ronan: diner is served come and get
Weir: every hie behind Mcay
Mcay: ah **** im screwed

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:10 AM
me: well it looks like were covering mckays poioning on the air! everyone can come out of hiding!
mckay: ewwww it moved!
ronon: it didnt now eat it you sissey!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 09:12 AM
me: well it looks like were covering mckays poioning on the air! everyone can come out of hiding!
mckay: ewwww it moved!
ronon: it didnt now eat it you sissey!
Me: yeah Mcay dont be a sissy
Mcay: ronan u owe me big time

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:17 AM
me: eat it eat it eat it!
mckay: shut up im going im going!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 09:19 AM
me: eat it eat it eat it!
mckay: shut up im going im going!
Mcay: barf barf barf barf
Ronan: u haven't tried it yet

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:22 AM
mckay: i just smelled it whats in this pie?!
ronon: the footjuice from my socks
mckay: *spews up all over the dhd*

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 09:24 AM
mckay: i just smelled it whats in this pie?!
ronon: the footjuice from my socks
mckay: *spews up all over the dhd*
Me: damn it Mcay
Mcay: sorry urt getting seconds

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:42 AM
me:hehehe well folks whilemckay pukes in the bathroom we'll just play a bit of music how about mj- black or white pj1?

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 09:47 AM
Caldwell: That's it... You're all fired. Out! Out!
Susanne: But-!
Caldwell: OOOOUUUUUUUTTTTT! Hermiod, beam these sickos to the brig!
Susanne, et al: NOOOO-! (are beamed away)
Andrew: (pokes head up over an upturned table) Thank God, sir! We couldn't hold out much longer...
John: (peeks out from behind a control console) Honestly...
McKay: THANK YOU! THANK GOD! THANK YOU! (glomps Caldwell)
Caldwell: (eyebrow twitches) Yes, you're welcome Doctor... (pushes him away) Now then... Would someone please explain why the hell this has gone completely insane?
John: ... Because Andrew here thought that letting susanne and PJ1 live was a good idea?
Andrew: HEY! Don't pin this on me, Colonel!
John: What? I'm just saying, sheesh!
Caldwell: Allright... I'm giving you idiots one last chance, to put on a good, decent radio show. NO TORTURE, NO SEX, NO KILLING. Or you don't get to have a show at all! Is that PERFECTLY CLEAR?!
Bob: (meekly) Yes sir...?
Caldwell: Bob, you WILL be Dr. Jackson's meat shield if this next show doesn't improve.
John: Plus, our ratings really started to plummet...
Caldwell: Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to Teyla... Miss Emmagan. (departs)
Bob: Damn, damn, damn! See, this is why Andrew sucks! He let those crazy idiots onto the show!
Andrew: Hey pal, I just suggested you start a radio show! I didn't say to let those wackos on!
John: Will you guys just shut up?
Bob: No! You know what? Women suck!
Andrew: I must agree... Letting women in on this show was a mistake from the beginning!
(music begins to play in the background)
Bob: Well after all, Sheppard, I'm an ordinary man,
Who desires nothing more than an ordinary chance,
to live exactly as he likes, and do precisely what he wants...
An average man am I, of no eccentric whim,
Who likes to live his life, free of strife,
doing whatever he thinks is best, for him,
Well... just an ordinary man...
Andrew: BUT, Let a woman in your life and your serenity is through,
she'll pervert your show, from morning to noon,
and then go on to the enthralling fun of overhauling you...
McKay: (getting into it) Let a woman in your life, and you're up against a wall,
make a plan and you will find,
that she has something else in mind,
and so rather than do either you do something else
that neither likes at all!
Bob: You want to talk of misadventures and stars,
she only wants to talk of love!
McKay: (shudder) You reserve time in the lab, and spend it searching
for her glove!
Andrew, Bob, and McKay:Let a woman in your life, and you invite eternal strife!
Bob: Let them buy their wedding bands for those anxious little hands...
I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a woman in my life!
McKay: I'm a very gentle man,
even tempered and good natured
who you never hear complain,
Who has the milk of human kindness
by the quart in every vein,
A patient man am I, down to my fingertips,
the sort who never could, ever would,
let an insulting remark escape his lips
Very gentle man... Oh stop laughing!
Bob: (manages to stop snickering) But, Let a woman in your life,
and patience hasn't got a chance,
she will beg you for advice, your reply will be concise,
and she will listen very nicely, and then go out
and do exactly what she wants!!!
Andrew: You are a man of grace and polish,
who never spoke above a hush,
all at once you're using language that would make
a sailor blush, Let a woman in your life,
and you're plunging in a knife,
Let the others of my sex, tie the knot around their necks,
I prefer a new edition of the Spanish Inquisition
Andrew, Mckay, and Bob: Than to ever let a woman in my life!
John: O...Kay...
Andrew: I'm a quiet living man,
who prefers to spend the evening in the silence of his room,
who likes an atmosphere as restful as
an undiscovered tomb,
A pensive man am I, of philosophical joys,
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
far for humanities mad inhuman noise,
Quiet living man....
Bob: But, let a woman in your life, and your sabbatical is through,
in a line that never ends comes an army of her friends,
come to jabber and to chatter
and to tell her what the matter is with YOU!
McKay: She'll have a booming boisterous family,
who will descend on you en mass!
Andrew: She'll have a large wagnarian mother,
with a voice that shatters glass!
Bob: Let a woman in your life,
McKay: Let a woman in your life,
Andrew: Let a woman in your life,
Bob, McKay and Andrew: I shall never let a woman in my life!
John: ... Guys... Did you just spontaneously start singing a song from "My Fair Lady?"
McKay: ... Uh...
Bob: ... Guess so?
Andrew: Weir's going to be so pissed...

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 09:52 AM
me: hey hey no fair we were just getting to the good part! the closeup on mckay puking! come on hermoid let us out and we'll give you a pair of johns collectable undies!

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 09:59 AM
me: hey hey no fair we were just getting to the good part! the closeup on mckay puking! come on hermoid let us out and we'll give you a pair of johns collectable undies!
Me: indeed I have a pair with thr first prime of apophis granded all over....and I've also got some ascesion wear. Ascension wear for all your out of body needs *smile and wink*

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 10:01 AM
me: cauldwell is such an a$$ i say we get him with some of teylas cooking next :P

Commander Jumper
August 10th, 2006, 10:02 AM
me: cauldwell is such an a$$ i say we get him with some of teylas cooking next :P
Me: better...Thor's cooking

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 10:04 AM
me: omg thats inhumane! :eek: this is gonna be fun

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 10:10 AM
then lets torture kavanaugh with thor's cooking

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 10:12 AM
Hermiod: ... (shakes head) Humans...
John: Hey Hermiod? You doing okay up there?
Hermiod: These humans are far more irritating than others of your kind I've met.
John: ... Right, well, just make sure they don't escape. And if they annoy you... Don't hesitate to open the airlock on them.
Hermiod: Colonel, that is most... Barbaric.
John: Just pretend they're Replicators...
Bob: OR WOMEN!

(back on Atlantis)

Andrew: Okay guys, look. Women aren't that bad. Judging them all based on those two psychos is stupid.
John: I have to agree.
McKay: Oh come off it! It's always either they're torturing you for their sick sexual games, or nagging you, or acting insane!
Bob: Yeah! The only thing about being human that's bad is having to deal with human women!
McKay: Seriously... Why can't women be more like... Men?
Bob: Hey, yeah!
(music begins to play again)
John: Oh God, more singing?
Andrew: Guess so...

(Mckay takes a dramatic pose)

McKay: What in all of heaven could've prompted her to go mad,
After we'd shared many a ball?
What could've depressed her;
What could've possessed her?
I cannot understand the wretch at all.

Women are irrational, that's all there is to that!
There heads are full of naquada, hay, and rags!
They're nothing but exasperating, irritating,
vacillating, calculating, agitating,
Maddening and infuriating hags!

John: I hope we're off the air...

McKay: (To Bob) Bob, why can't a woman be more like a man?

Bob: Hmmm?

McKay: Yes... Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so honest, so thoroughly square;
Eternally noble, historic'ly fair;
Who, when you win, will always give your back a pat.
Well, why can't a woman be like that?
Why does ev'ryone do what the others do?
Can't a woman learn to use her head?

Why do they do ev'rything their mothers do?
Why don't they grow up- well, like their father instead?
Why can't a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please;
Whenever you are with them, you're always at ease.
Bob, would you be slighted if I didn't speak for hours?

Bob: Of course not!

McKay: Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?

Bob: Nonsense.

McKay: Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?

Bob: Never!

McKay: Well, why can't a woman be like you?
One man in a million may shout a bit.
Now and then there's one with slight defects;
One, perhaps, whose truthfulness you doubt a bit.
But by and large we are a marvelous sex!
Why can't a woman take after like a man?
Cause men are so friendly, good natured and kind.
A better companion you never will find.
If I were hours late for dinner, would you bellow?

Bob: Of course not!

McKay: If I forgot your silly birthday, would you fuss?

Bob: Nonsense!

McKay: Would you complain if I took out another fellow?

Bob: Never.

McKay: Well, why can't a woman be like us? Cadman, you're a woman...
Why can't a woman be more like a man?
Men are so decent, such regular chaps.
Ready to help you through any mishaps.
Ready to buck you up whenever you are glum.
Why can't a woman be a chum?
Why is thinking something women never do?
Why is logic never even tried?
Straight'ning up their hair is all they ever do.
Why don't they straighten up the mess that's inside?
Why can't a woman behave like a man?
If I was a woman who'd been to a ball,
Been hailed as a princess by one and by all;
Would I start weeping like a bathtub overflowing?
And carry on as if my home were in a tree?
Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?
Why can't a woman be like me?

Cadman: ... Rodney, I'm going to have to hurt you.

McKay: What? It's true... I mean, you're perfectly agreeable when you're not ACTING like a woman-ACK! HELP! (runs)

John: I warned him...

Andrew: He didn't listen. Big surprise.

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 10:31 AM
and in other news we're starting a new segment called the best of youtube where we play some of the favorite stargate related youtube videos, up first is stargate trekkin (http://youtube.com/watch?v=srZB3X2k4LU)

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 10:33 AM
me: cauldwell is such an a$$ i say we get him with some of teylas cooking next :P
hey cauldwell is cool

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 10:41 AM
hey cauldwell is cool

Bob: Er, course he is! Eh heh heh... THank you, Gatebuster64. Hopefully that kept the Colonel satisfied...
John: (on his earpiece) Uh, yes... Uh huh... Roger... Okay, guys? Apparently the ratings went up a lot when we were singing. So, pick something good to sing and get on it!
McKay: Why us?
John: Because I suck at singing, duh.

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 10:44 AM
Bob: Er, course he is! Eh heh heh... THank you, Gatebuster64. Hopefully that kept the Colonel satisfied...
John: (on his earpiece) Uh, yes... Uh huh... Roger... Okay, guys? Apparently the ratings went up a lot when we were singing. So, pick something good to sing and get on it!
McKay: Why us?
John: Because I suck at singing, duh.
IM DAVE NOT GATE BUSTER

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 10:45 AM
IM DAVE NOT GATE BUSTER

I was thanking Gatebuster for the YouTube link.

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:05 AM
the next video up for play is the Asgard dance (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbVo4hUABLo&NR)

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:07 AM
hey! im not a psycho! im a nutcase totally diffrent to a psycho!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 11:07 AM
hey! im not a psycho! im a nutcase totally diffrent to a psycho!
ill call the isilam

Amann
August 10th, 2006, 11:12 AM
hey! im not a psycho! im a nutcase totally diffrent to a psycho!

lol

Me: susie, calm down, lets go back to ur nice padded cell......no, no put down the knife.......

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:13 AM
i dont bother with knives amann i go for the cattlerod or the zat :D and im not going back pj1 is driving me even more insane!

Amann
August 10th, 2006, 11:17 AM
i dont bother with knives amann i go for the cattlerod or the zat :D and im not going back pj1 is driving me even more insane!

Me: ok, good.....no no put down the cattlerod, *dodges* no, no lets work this out peacefully OW!

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:18 AM
im not going back! her constant rodders talk is even more insane than mine!*zats amann with the cattlerod* IM NOT GOING BACK!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 11:19 AM
im not going back! her constant rodders talk is even more insane than mine!*zats amann with the cattlerod* IM NOT GOING BACK!
ill lock u up with jesserela

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:20 AM
AHEM, we're still on air

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:21 AM
really? *zats dave in the back with the cattlerod* hiiii everybody!

Amann
August 10th, 2006, 11:21 AM
AHEM, we're still on air

*psst* we know.........its the debut of a radio show called the Asylum, lol

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:25 AM
cool, i love insanity

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:25 AM
*zats amann, dave and gate buster*
me: welcome to your worst nightmare people......were all out of blue jello....

Amann
August 10th, 2006, 11:27 AM
*zats amann, dave and gate buster*
me: welcome to your worst nightmare people......were all out of blue jello....

WHAT? *starts foaming at mouth and beams the kav clones down as the hospital attendents* Now, lets escape! (while killing as many clones as possible) *picks up knife and runs*

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:31 AM
oh no a hissey fit! *laughing* i love the smell of doom in the morning oh and one more thing.....since theres no other colour either all we have..........is prune flavour.........have a nice day

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:31 AM
here's (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbVo4hUABLo&NR) some more madness

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:37 AM
this is kcfm bad luck radio and now we have a peice of heartbreaking news the jello hasnt dissappeard it appears ronon and shep had a pig out fest and ate everything but the prune flavour before doing a tie....

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:38 AM
kcfm?

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:51 AM
i just made it up lol (could stand for kicking cauldwells frilly manknickers lol)

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:53 AM
how about krazy city fm, the fm is frequency modulation

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:54 AM
hey good one i like it! :D krazy city fm it is!

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 11:57 AM
did you see the youtube dancing Asgard link about 6 posts ago

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 11:59 AM
yeah i got mit in my favs lol its really oddly disturbing :P

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 12:11 PM
here's (http://youtube.com/watch?v=84SZ0AHVloc&mode=related&search=) another one

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 12:18 PM
oh yeah i've seen that lol funny!
but have you seen my collection?!
if you were gay (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oYrOM7SrKLs)
welcome to the jungle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXNogGHU3f0)
and
cheap and evil girl **season 2** (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXQqpHY1ekI)

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 12:40 PM
(THE NEXT DAY...)

Bob: Thanks for tuning into Radio Atlantis! We've got a good show on for you all today... Hopefully... Provided the idiot fangirls behave themselves. (deathglares susanna and PJ1)
Susanna and PJ1: (smile innocently)
Bob: Anyway, we've decided this show to be very law abiding... So we'll just talk about the new Atlantis Rulebook.
John: Written with a lot of help from everyone. Especially my team. But you guys knew that already.
Bob: Indeed! So, to start us off, here's Rodney McKay with the first few rules for every memeber of the Expedition to follow.
McKay: Ahem... Rule number one. Don't die.
John: Fair enough.
McKay: Rule two... Do not disturb the scientists while they are working. (glares at John)
John: What?
Bob: Rule number three... Do not piss off the women in the Expedition during that time of the month. Or hoarde chocolate.
John: Hell, just try to pretend you don't exist, okay men?
McKay: Yes... It's scary... Anyway, rule number four: Gambling is not permitted.
John: This means you, SGA-3.
Bob: Last thing we need is another culture pissed at us for "cheating" at poker.
McKay: Rule number five: Plan A never works. Plan B... Sometimes works. Just go with Plan C.
John: Amen to that.
Bob: Rule number six: Don't insult the native culture.
McKay: ... Why are you all looking at me?
John: (grin) Rule number seven: Only McKay is allowed to make the lab staff cry.
McKay: This means you, Kavanaugh! You greasy haired *******!
John: Uh, right Rodney... Rule number eight: You are not allowed to keep the scientists on leashes offworld.
Bob: Awww... But it works so well...
McKay: Shut up!
John: Okay, let's see... Rule number nine: Pointing and laughing is REALLY not a good idea.
McKay: Wait, how many rules does this book have?
Bob: At least two hundred fifty... The SGC actually has more. Anyone else want to read now?

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 12:58 PM
me:ill read ok rule number ten- no one is allowed to touch johns hair
john: yeah its been messed up too many times today!
me: rule 11- all fan girls...aw i dont beleive it must stay away from michael at least 20 feet
michael: THANK YOU!
me: rule 12- all redshirts must have life insurance policies
rule 13- friday the 13th no one is expected to come into work after the last time.....
rule 14-all men should stay away from women wearing red scarfes (it signafies the time of the month)
and rule 15- due to massive chocolate demands all women will get 500g of chocolate a week to survive on.....
women of atlantis: NOOOOOOO!
me:who's next?!

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 01:08 PM
me: rule #16, these rules don't apply if for some reason none of the rule books can be found

susanne
August 10th, 2006, 01:17 PM
uhhhhhh ill be right back *takes the rulebook and walks out*

gatebuster64
August 10th, 2006, 01:22 PM
oh what do you know, our segment on law abiding is done, now its time for the sports with John Sheppard

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 03:29 PM
Sheppard: Thanks... Gatebuster64...?
McKay: What kind of name is that?
Sheppard: Anyway... The Atlantis Rugby Tournament is coming up this week. Heavily favored to win this year are the defending champions, "Beckett's Bruisers". As you know, Beckett's Bruisers won last year by default because no one wanted to play them. After the humiliating masscre the Canadian Lanteans were subjected to the first tournament, and the painful defeats suffered by Harvey's English and the Australian Roughriders, it seems that this year the addition of two additional teams, the American Footballers and Major Lorne's Marines, the other teams are confident enough that they won't get their asses kicked quite so badly again.
McKay: Yeah. Carson's freaking insane when he's playing rugby.
Sheppard: I still say that he was breaking the rules when he downed you just by jabbing threateningly at you.
McKay: Yeah! I mean, God, he's a doctor! He knows all sorts of horrible, pain-inducing pressure points on the human body!
Sheppard: Of course, you didn't have to scream like a little girl when it happened.
McKay: Well... Okay, fine, maybe I screamed a little...
Sheppard: ...
McKay: Okay, okay! I scared the Athosian children! Happy?
Sheppard: Not really. Getting there... Oh, and speaking of which, the Athosians are holding their second annual Sports Festival, organized with help from Dr. Miko. Several different classes of the Athosian school will compete for glory, on the mainland and on Atlantis.
McKay: Um, some of the events will include... "Wraith Sheppard?!"
Sheppard: Er, it's supposed to read "Wraith Shepherd..."
McKay: And this game is about...?
Sheppard: Um... It's like capture the flag. One team dresses as... SGA-1... And the other dresses up like Wraith. (grin) All the little girls want to dress up like you.
McKay: Oh, they do? That's flattering I-HEY! Wait a minute!
Sheppard: Uh, oh! That reminds me... At the request of Dr. Weir, we will be throwing in references to the Atlantis Rulebook throughout the program. And the rule for this event, number eighty-seven, clearly states: "The Marines will no longer babysit Athosian Children".
McKay: Little late for that, isn't it? I mean, what did you teach them?!
Sheppard: What? Just because they think you're a woman is no reason to become so upset!
McKay: Upset?! They think I'm a woman!
Bob: Uh, we'll be back after these messages...

(BTW, guys, you can play Bob, John, Mckay, or any other Atlantis characters on the show, okay? So run with it.)

Aurora19
August 10th, 2006, 04:46 PM
Me: These messages are brought to us by...Zippo Lighters! Whether you are in the darkest cave on a Wraith inhabited planet or playing the Fire God for the inhabitants of P3X-877, Zippo Lighters have all your bases covered!

This just in: According to the Atlantis Rulebook, #109 states that Zippo Lighters are not allowed off world anymore...Thank you Sheppard...

Sheppard: Hey! Can't I have a little fun?
Me:...No
Sheppard: You suck... Wait a minute, who are you anyway?!
Me: This is all a dream...*ascends*

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 06:31 PM
Bob: ... Man, that is *****ed up.
Sheppard: Tell me about it. Okay, so, now moving on...

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 06:35 PM
Weir: every body run Ronan just took up karioke

Elles
August 10th, 2006, 06:37 PM
Bob: Ok... uh... ooh! We have a new caller! Welcome to the show.
Sheppard: Uh guys... I only get one phone call, and I need someone to come pay my bail so I can get out of here.
Bob: It's not my fault you got caught DUI...
Me: *giggle* Sheppard in shackles... I'll go...
Sheppard: No! Don't! Please, I beg of you!

DaveSG-3
August 10th, 2006, 06:53 PM
last time on star gate atlantis
shepard: im gona take a stike team to stop ronan
Weir: oh no rodney just joined him
Shep: god help us plz, lets go men
Weir: *kisses shep
Teyla: what the hell weir sheps mine
to be continued
Teyla: Weir ur going down
shep: calm down
Weir: bring it on teyla
to be continued

Aurora19
August 10th, 2006, 07:29 PM
Bob: Should we get out the blue Jell-o?
Me: *stares blankly at Bob*
Bob: What? Did I say something wrong?
Me: On so many levels yes.

Andrew Joshua Talon
August 10th, 2006, 07:55 PM
Bob: Should we get out the blue Jell-o?
Me: *stares blankly at Bob*
Bob: What? Did I say something wrong?
Me: On so many levels yes.

Bob: C'mon... It'd be good for the ratings?
John: Rule number two-hundred and three: Wrestling in Jell-O is no longer allowed.
McKay: Oh c'mon! That's completely... I mean...
Bob: It sucks ass, in the words of South Park.
John: Speaking of which... I'm missing my season 3 boxset. Anyone seen it?
McKay: (coughs) Uh...
John: Rodney?
McKay: I might have... Loaned it...? I mean, you let me borrow it, and so I let someone else borrow, and then they...?
John: ... So now who has it?
(Cut to Ronan and Teyla, watching TV)
Teyla: The orange-clad child is most resiliant.
Ronan: Yeah. Maybe he's a Wraith?
Teyla: Honestly Ronan, why would he be a Wraith?
Ronan: Well, for one, if he hides himself in that parka all the time... Maybe he's got something to hide?
Teyla: So that is why you find it so amusing when he dies?
Ronan: (smirk)

Aurora19
August 10th, 2006, 08:21 PM
Me: I believe that this boy is an ascendant being.
Bob: How so Aurora?
Me: Rory, please. He has died and came back numerous times with no apparant memory of what happened before.
Bob: A very good theory Rory.

Elles
August 10th, 2006, 08:55 PM
Bob: And another caller...
Dumbledore: Hello, this is Albus Dumbledore... I have something to say about ascension...
Bob: Hey! Aren't you supposed to be dead?
Dumbledore: No, I've ascended.
Bob: Oh... So what do you have to say about ascension.
Dumbledore: Well all the other ascended beings are as pissed off about Kenny continuously ascending and descending as they are about Daniel doing it... so please stop killing them.
Bob: I'm not authorized to do so... and we have two other callers here to respond to Albus Dumbledore's comment...
Trey Parker: No.
Brad Wright: No.
Bob: Well there you have it, TPTB of both shows refuse to do so. Next caller...
Sheppard: PJ1 IS BURNING MY CLOTHING AGAIN! GET LORNE BACK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!
Bob: I will after the sho-
Sheppard: No! RIGHT NOW! Before she does more damage than burning socks and shoe laces!
Bob: Fine... Major Lorne, to Sheppard's quarters, Major Lorne to Sheppard's quarters... Next caller...
Elles: Did you know that you can type the word stargate using the left hand only?
Bob: That's nice... next caller...
Carmen Sandiego: Where in the world is-
Bob: My paycheck? Next caller...

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 06:10 AM
me: it appears that the next caller is..........Michael Jackson
Michael: yes, i hear Atlantis has a lot of boys, so i was wondering if i could come over
me (hanging up the phone): this just in, tomorrow we're not accepting phone calls from convicted felons

susanne
August 11th, 2006, 06:17 AM
me: back! and we have a special news report every rule book in atlantis EVEN the manual on how to program your vcr is currently burning on the south pier *twirls lighter* we suspect it was the work of bates ;)

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 06:20 AM
cool, no more stupid rules

susanne
August 11th, 2006, 06:26 AM
cauldewll: omg omg! my cooking maual!
hermiet: cornel cauldwell i have found the person responcible she is in the radio room curreintly twirling a lighter
cauldwell: SUSANNNNNE!!!!
me: i admit nothing and deny nothing *looks sly* however i am guilty as charged.....

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 06:28 AM
*hides Susanne in a Sodan cloaking field*

susanne
August 11th, 2006, 06:29 AM
me: hey i did everyone a favour by burning those cooklbooks he kept giving them to ronon!!!
everyone: CAULDWELL!

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 06:50 AM
this just in: Caldwell is being tried for attempted murder on all the Lantian residents who had to eat Ronan's cooking, his lawyer, sadly is me

susanne
August 11th, 2006, 06:52 AM
me:the prosecution is happily me! :D dont worry gb ill go a little easy on him

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 06:57 AM
John: court is now in session. All rise for Judge Weir.
Weir: Caldwell you are being tried for the attempted murder of the entire Lantian population by handing your cook book to Ronan. How doyou plead
Caldwell: not guilty
Rodney: well no duh he's going to say that, i mean he wouldn't deliberatly turn himself in this is stupid-- (Weir bangs her wodden hammer thingy)

susanne
August 11th, 2006, 07:03 AM
Edit( bangs her hammer on mckays head)
me: your honour the prosicution witnessed a horrible event at exactly 08:00 hours i will now show you the footage *presswes remote and footage shows cauldwell handing over 3 cookbooks to ronon and receiving lemons*
audiece: omg!!! *some people look sick*
me: this is damning evidence!

gatebuster64
August 11th, 2006, 07:08 AM
me: your honor, Caldwell may have given the cook book to Ronan but who was the one who cooked the food. Ronan. And was the one who served the food. Ronan. So as you can see. The guilty party is not Caldwell but in fact Ronan

Rodney: but he traded lemons, that automaticly makes him guilty

me: do you want me to shove this lemon up your @$$. Now can it nit wit.