Radio Atlantis

[Elles]

*Elles picks self up off of Sheppard*
Elles: What?!? Will Ferrell is here?!? Where's my double barreled shot gun?!?
Ronon: It's in the control room.
Elles: Wait here... I'll be right back.
Ronon: While Elles goes to get her shotgun... we might as well interview Will Ferrell while we can.
Will Ferrell: Is she really going to kill me?
Ronon: Yes.
Will Ferrell: Hahah... you're joking... right?
Ronon: No.
Will Ferrell: ... You're funny.
Ronon: Not really... so... why were you so unfunny in Bewitched?
Will Ferrell: You saw it? Did you like it?
Ronon: I saw it... that joke about you being a Clippers fan wasn't funny.
Will Ferrell: It wasn't?
Ronon: No.
Will Ferrell: ... Heh heh... You're funny.
Ronon: No I'm not... and if you continue to be this unfunny I will tie you up, hang you by your feet... and cut off your...
Elles (halfway across Atlantis): IF YOU KILL HIM BEFORE I GET BACK I WILL HURT YOU, RONON!
Ronon: Fine. If my calculations are correct, you have thirty more seconds to live. So... are you aware that Teyla's been stalking you for the past three years?
Will Ferrell: Yes... it's not that bad really... but I've been considering getting a restraining order you know... hahahahah... You don't find that funny.
Elles: That's not funny! *shoots Will Ferrell*

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Bob: Ouch... Well, one less idiot celebrity holding the secret of the Stargate over us.
Ronan: There are others?
Bob: Unfortunately... Anyway, now it's time for Dr. McKay to do his regular segment: Unpleasant Ways to Die. Dr. McKay?
McKay: By the way, Bob... Why are you here?
Bob: ... I'm a technical sergeant in the Air Force. Why are you here?
McKay: Because I landed on something soft...
(Cadman is heard to distantly shout something along the lines of "I WILL KILL YOU, RODNEY!")
McKay: So! Let's begin with some of my favorite unpleasant ways to die... Getting the life sucked out of you by a Wraith is easily at the top of the list.
Bob: Of course, of course...
McKay: Being burned at the stake covered in alcohol is another.
Bob: (nods) Personal experience?
McKay: Almost... Oh yeah, and the newest one: Bleeding to death from an arrow, shot into your ass.
John: (looking up from making out with Elles) You weren't going to bleed to death, Rodney. Don't be such a big baby.
McKay: Hey! I'd like to see you go through that WITHOUT screaming your head off!

[Elles]

Elles: It's weird that you're still one of the top Kirkers on my list even though you were so screwed up because you had an arrow in your...
McKay: CAN WE NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN?!?
Sheppard: Fine... Just know that I'm taking over as host again to keep you in line.
McKay: Fine! Anyway... a black hole is also a terrible, painful, and slow way to die.
Elles: Which is why I used one to kill Will Ferrell once. *runs off to hunt Will Ferrell again*
McKay: Hm... yes... the gravitational pull is exceedingly painful and the time dilation makes it exceedingly slow. Exposure to the vaccuum of space is also painful, but relatively quick. Having you genitals cut off and bleeding out from that...
Sheppard: OK! We get the point! Let's move on to... something else...

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Bob: Indeed. Here to talk gossip on and off Atlantis, here is Dr. Elles!

[Elles]

Elles: I told you! That paper lies... Well anyway... Landry walked in on Sam and Jack doing it... if you know what I mean... *hint hint, wink wink, nudge nudge* Will Ferrell is overrated... He's still bleeding to death but give him some time and he'll die... eventually... The conformists on Earth are evil. Conformists should die. Daniel Radcliffe is overrated. Daniel Radcliffe does not deserve to be paid.
Sheppard: Woah woah woah... That's not gossip... that's ranting... That first part was gossip... more of that.
Elles: Fine. I saw Sheppard holding hands with Ronon the other day and whispering things into his ear.
Sheppard: Hey! Keep that up and I'll have this section cut out of the show!
Elles: See if I care... I don't want to do it anyway.
Sheppard: Well maybe I will just ban it.
Elles: Go ahead, and have fun while you're at it... I have to go watch Stargate SG-1.
Sheppard: Fine!
Elles: Fine!

[susanne]

shepperd: uh sorry about that folks lets just move along to entertainment shall we? and here to entertail us all is dr elizabeth wier taking time off her busy scedual (pfft not) to come down here and do this dr wier...
wier: well this week john i've found some rip roaring reads for youi give 5 stars to steve the wraiths book on catering for a hive
shepperd: yeah i heard that was an interesting read and a step by step
wier: i found it really enjoyable a very good read moving on we have a warriors tale by teyla ennagen interesting doesnt cover it....
shep: how about snoresville?! (lol)
wier: for this creditable read ill give it a very good 2 star rating
teyla: i spent all year writing those memoirs!
wier: yes well moving on we have the wild nights in atlantis dvd i must say its rather.....
teyla: ILL KILL YOU! *sounds of scufelling*
shep: and thats all on entertainment ladies and gentlemen!

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Bob: Okay, thank you Colonel... Next we have-Huh? Colonel Caldwell?
Caldwell: Allright... Exactly what the hell is going on here?
Sheppard: Uh, just morale-building entertainment, sir, that's all.
Caldwell: Beaming this signal to the entire Pegasus galaxy is NOT my idea of entertainment! What if the Wraith hear it?
McKay: Well, of COURSE they can hear it. That's the point! Psychological warfare. We may have "lost" Atlantis, but we'll never be defeated!
Caldwell: Ahhhh. I see. Well then, mind playing some music?
Bob: Eh?
Caldwell: I don't know about you, but I hate radio stations that just talk, and talk, and talk all day... It'd be nice if you shut up and played the music, you know?
McKay: Who do we look like, XM?

[Elles]

teyla: ILL KILL YOU! *sounds of scufelling*

I dunno exactly why... I just love that line ... good for you!

Bob: Darn it Rodney... maybe we should take Caldwell's suggestion into consideration. All our previous programs have been terrible enough that they had to end abruptly and we're running out of material. We can't come up with material fast enough.
McKay: Call in Oprah...
Bob: No, she's one of the few celebrities who don't know about the Stargate program.
McKay: Than get Elles to do her ranting again...
Sheppard: No! One more joke about me being gay with Ronon and I won't be able to not kill her.
McKay: So threaten to sue her.
Elles: No... you don't need to do that. Bob has just made a substantial donation to the Send-Elles-To-Vancouver fund. I'll do the ranting segment...
Sheppard: You heard her... Elles is doing her ranting segment again so don't touch that dial because...
Elles: For cryin' out loud...
*Meanwhile in the Milky Way*
O'Neill: That's my line!
*Meanwhile back at the ranch*
Elles: It's obvious that Dumbledore is not dead... He ascended to a higher plane of existence, but in a different way from Daniel. Anyone who bothers to read the books carefully knows this.
Sheppard: That's interesting. So what evidence do you have that he is not dead?
Elles: Well for one thing... Snape lied to Narcissa several times concerning Harry, the Order, the Fidelius Charm, and... Hey! This isn't a question/answer gig! Ranting does not involve someone else asking questions! You fracking Kirker!
Sheppard: Hey! Don't call me that!
Elles: Fine!
Sheppard: Fine!
Bob: Folks, we're going to take a short break and due to a programing change, we're temporarily going to replace a few of the segments with selected tracks from Dr. Elizabeth Weir's new CD, "Soothing Sounds of The Ocean"

[susanne]

(lol hahaha)
liz: first on my playlist we have men attacked by sharks,
*screaming splashing,screaming*
liz: it is rather soothing dont you think john?! john you look white are you ok?!
john: im never going swimming again.......

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Elizabeth: I don't know, listening to my ex-boyfriend who cheated on me with that French bimbo being eaten alive by Atlantian sharks is rather soothing to me...
John: Okay... See, this is one of those times I wonder whether or not I'm crazy for being attracted to you. On the other hand, I acknowledge that I'm... uh... Teyla?
Teyla: (bemused smile) That you acknowledge your attraction, but understand that besides feelings of friendship and loyalty your feelings do not go further for Dr. Weir?
John: Yeah... Thanks.
Bob: Huh... So much for Shweir, mwahahahahaha!
McKay: Bob, what did we say about shipping?
Bob: That without it a planet-based nation ceases to exist?
John: Hey! I'm supposed to tell the bad jokes around here!
McKay: Yeah, didn't you get the memo?
Bob: I suppose not... Anyway, now it's time for our caller segment, and first on the lines is... Uh... Someone who wishes to be known simply as "Horký Doktor".
Horký Doktor: Uh, yes. Is this to mean that Elizabe-er, Dr. Weir, and Colonel Sheppard, are not, ah, together?
McKay: ... Zelenka, I know that's you.
Horký Doktor: I know not what you are talking about, Rodney! Er, I mean, Dr. McKay!
Weir: (smiles good naturedly) Horký Doktor, I'm not involved with anyone at the moment.
Horký Doktor: Really? Oh, zat's wonderful! Er, I mean, interesting! Er, goodbye!
Bob: Okay... Interesting first call... Now we have Vala, calling from the guest quarters. Vala, you're on the air!

[susanne]

vala: hello everyone id like to say a few things to the wraith in pegasus is that ok?!
bob: of course vala go right ahead
vala: hi michael honey ill be at the party soon and dont worry about me meeting your mom im sure we'll get along famously
bob: so vala i heard you did a kiss and tell about one daniel jackson is that correct?!
vala: yes i did bob anyone that thinks "your a fruitcake" is an insult is quite nuts...
shep: nuts hahaha
bob: yes thank you cornel shepperd so vala what did you tell all about?!
vala: well i told everyone how much a workaholic daniel is and his "little package" problem
bob: how interesting vala please continue
vala: well everyone knows how we met and let me say the hijacking rumour about the ship is all wrong he actually invited me aboard
bob: really?!
vala: yes he did
bob: tell us more about his little problem....

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

Vala: Well, it's not a "bad" problem... (smirks)... And it's not a size problem... It's actually kind of sexy.
Bob: Er, yes, well, I'm sure it's fascinating but-
Vala: Hey, do you want higher ratings, or do you want to go out the window? This Dr. Chierry is actually quite inspirational.
Bob: (sigh) Fine. Go on...
Vala: Well, it's quite simply that Daniel enjoys talking in different languages when he's having sex. He switches between Greek, French, Russian, German, Arabic, Gou'ald, all depending upon what we're doing...
Bob: Um yes, thank you so much for that, moving right along...
Vala: Ooh, you should see his Sign Language. (naughty grin)
Bob: THANK YOU VERY MUCH! MOVING ON!

[Amann]

Howard Stern is up next! lol

[Elles]

Howard Stern: I need help! I'm being attacked by wraith. (wraith stunner blasts and gun fire)
Bob: Calm down, don't worry... we have an expert with us right now.
Robin Williams: Howard, this is Robin Williams.
Howard Stern: Robin Williams? You're my hero! Save me! (continued gun fire)
Robin Williams: Unfortunately I don't know how to save you. I'm just giving you a pleasant death.
Howard Stern: What?!?
Robin Williams: Yes... well, it's been nice meeting you but I have to get back to Earth. Bye...
Howard Stern: No! Wait...
Bob: And next caller... Dr. House... you're on.
Dr. House: Yes, I'd like to speak to Colonel Sheppard.
Sheppard: Yes?
Dr. House: Teyla Emmagen is a Mary/Sue, you're better off with Dr. Weir.
Sheppard: Huh?
Dr. House: Everybody lies, the fact Teyla hasn't revealed any of her deep secrets reveals that she's hiding something very terrible. You're better off with Weir.
Sheppard: Wow thanks... I really was on the fence there for a second... but now I think I really will go with Shweir. Thanks!
Teyla: I'LL KILL YOU!

[Andrew Joshua Talon]

(As Teyla and Elizabeth fight to the death over John, Bob picks the show back up)

Bob: Ahem... Unfortunately, since Howard Stern is now Wraith food, his XM show will have to be cancelled. Somehow, I doubt that too many people will care for long.
McKay: Amen!
Bob: Anyway, our list of celebrities who know about the Stargate Program: How, why, and where.
McKay: First up is Celine Dion. We had to show her the Stargate... Just before we sent her to a spacegate address. Without a Jumper. (smile) Canada threw a celebration for her demise. It was great.
Bob: Too bad you couldn't go.
McKay: Hey! At least I have a street named for me in Toronto!
Bob: Well whoop-di-doo, Dr. McKay! A whole street! Lovely! Can we please move on?
McKay: (pout) Fine, fine... Let's see... Tom Cruise tried to infiltrate Stargate Command, but no one believed her could be a military officer.
Bob: Of course not. To be a believable one, you have to have some brains.
McKay: ...
Bob: Oh come off it, you know it's true.
McKay: I didn't say anything! I was going to nod before you cut me off!
Bob: Uh huh... Tell me another one.
McKay: (rolls his eyes) Ignoring the sergeant's lack of faith in humanity in general... Jennifer Lien, the woman who played "Kes" on Star Trek: Voyager, gained a degree in medicine and was selected as a doctor on aid missions to suffering planets in the Pegasus Galaxy.
Bob: Really? Neat!
McKay: Yeah! She actually doesn't want anyone to make a big deal out of her career. Unfortunately, she had to leave her husband and kids back on Earth.
Bob: That sucks.
McKay: Yeah...
Bob: Is that why she hasn't returned any of your love letters?
McKay: What?! I haven't been sending her love letters!
Bob: (holds up a piece of paper) My dear Jennifer, how like an angel you are to me...
McKay: (grabs for it) Give that back, it's private property!
Bob: Oh, so it IS yours?
McKay: N-No! I'm concerned for whoever wrote it!
Bob: Ha ha! That's a load of hot air!
McKay: Give it back already, you hooligan! (dives)
Bob: ACK! Mad Canadian! Help! Help! Save me! Mad physicist!