SGA Fans: Can I get an opinion?

[Lucia Tanaka]

After three days of work, I made a complete outline to my SGA fic. Well, the first fic in the (hopefully) trilogy. Alas, none of my fic-writing buddies watch SGA, so I need opinions from an outside source.

The fic is a General/Drama story. At first, it centers around the team, but in the second 'book' it'll be more McKay-centric. While there is an original character introduced, she is by no means a Mary-Sue/perfect girl.

Let me know what you guys think. (I have to seperate the outline into too posts because it's so big.)

'Standing Outside a Fire' outline

Part One ::: Turbulent Winds
1. The Scarlet Tempest
2. The Flight of the Zephyr
3. Caution to the Wind
4. Preserving the Last Tsunami
5. Settling in with Sea Airs

I: "The Scarlet Tempest"
1. Surely 13 isn't unlucky all the time...
a- AGX-013 is a desert world with the Stargate placed a mile outside a village in an oasis. AG1 is sent there for standard intell/diplomatic purposes.
b- Team travels to the village of Ju'umsu, where they are welcomed heartily. They are brought directly to Elder Akito, leader of the society and temple. He is a man about 55 - 60. He explains that they are a quiet, self-sufficent people.
2. The invitation to the Festival.
a- Akito tells the group that two days from then, a annual festival is to take place. The festival is in honor of the Gecenadi Ritual that will take place the night of the event. It is a custom to restore fertility and luck to the land, supposively to keep the Oasis's spring bringing water.
b- Akito thinks the AG1 a sign of good tides and invites them to attend. After consoling with Weir, they agree so to start a bond with the Yunan's.
3. Truth about the Gecenadi Ritual revealed.
a- While wandering the marketplace, Teyla and Ford overhear gossip about the Gecenadi Ritual.
b- Gecenadi means fortune in Yunan language. The ritual itself involves a human sacrifice of an 'unlucky' villager, determined by the Elder Akito. The sacrifice is killed by a traditional cutting of several areas.
1- Areas: From chin to collarbone, from left shoulder to right, one across each temple, from each palm to the elbow joint, and a silver sword is thrust into the diaphragm/stomache area. c- The blood from the Gecenadi sacrifice is cleansed and sealed into a jar made from the spring's clay and buried on the spring's shore.
d- Now aware of the details of the horrific event, Teyla and Ford quickly return to their lodging to share the news.

II: "Flight of the Zephyr"
1. A lost key.
a- Sheppard and McKay stay at the inn while Teyla and Ford check out the market.
b- Things don't stay quiet long. Soon, yelling can be heard in the normally quiet street outside. The two remaining members of AG1 decide to see what's causing the trouble.
c- Elder Akito is yelling at the Ju'umsu Temple priests to go find a runaway girl, Sheedra the Zephyr. Apprently, the girl (only 7 years of age) was in the Temple's care for an unspecified role in the Gecenadi Ritual when she ran away. According to Akito, this is the fourth time she's escaped.
d- After some logic from McKay and Sheppard, Akito accepts AG1's promise to help find her in the morning since the night make the task of hunting down a child nigh impossible. They retire to their rooms again.
2. Putting the pieces together.
a- AG1 reunites in their room and relays to each other the two tales.
b- It becomes obvious that whoever this Zephyr girl is, she's in mortal danger and fled because of it.
c- McKay suggests they find her before the Ju'umsun priests can to protect her from the fate. Then they could confront Akito concerning the sacrifical rite.
d- The group agrees and goes to sleep immediantly so they can wake up before sunrise and begin the search.
3. Reason behind the name.
a- The entire team wakes early and splits off as they had been before (since Sheppard is the only person who can handle McKay's additude). Teyla and Ford head to the rocky desert area, Sheppard and McKay to the grassy Oasis lake.
b- Hours tick by with no sign of the missing girl.
c- Near the point of giving up, McKay sees a glimpse of something translucent looking from the corner of his eye. He focuses on the 'empty' spot to finally find a girl sitting there, looking nervous. Once McKay points her out, Sheppard jumps, shocked to have not seen her there. He radios Teyla and Ford to their location before questioning the girl.
d- Surprisingly, the first questioned asked is how she managed to hide in plain sight. Sheedra sheepishly admits it's magic of her family that makes people 'blind' to the user. She apologizes repeatedly for decieving them.
1- The reason Sheedra is called the Zephyr is that her family, all now deceased, was the last of the ancient Yunan Wind Clan. All were taught how to 'blind' people. Since that made them so difficult to find, they were said to be harder to catch than a wind. From that point on, all of the WInd Clan were given nicknames based on winds. (Sheedra's father, Jeequen, was called Tempest; Her mother was Breeze.)
4. Deciding between wind and water.
a- They group returns to the temple with Sheedra. Akito instantly locks the girl in a backroom, much to AG1's protests. The team demand an explanation. Akito tiredly agrees.
b- The Gecanadi Ritual involves what the Yunan's consider unfortunate; someone of little physical beauty. Sheedra was choosen for this because of a cut across her forehead (normally concealed by a cloak she wears) that became infected. Above her left eye is a harsh magenta-blue area from the infection.
c- Ford points out that they could fix the infection with the help of Dr. Beckett. Akito turns down the offer nervously. When they try to convince him, Teyla realizes something.
d- Elder Akito cannot allow Sheedra to be healed because it would weaken his hold over the people because they'd be disbelieving of the effectiveness behind the Gecenadi Ritual. He'd lose power.
e- Outraged, Akito has AG1 escourted out of the temple. He warns them that if they plan to attend to ceremony tomorrow night, they'd do well to behave themselves.
f- The team reports the situation to Weir, asking permission to scrap the diplotmat job to save the innocent girl, effectively making enemies of the Yunan people.

III. "Caution to the Wind"
1. Opposition at Home
a- Weir turns them down without hesistation, claiming they need more allies in the Pegasus Galaxy. Sheppard and Teyla launch into a debate with Weir, trying to convince her to reconsider.
b- When Sheppard lets slip he'll go back and rescue her without permission, Weir orders the group quarantined in the hospital wing for the next 24 hours. Weapons confinscated, AG1 is lead by gunpoint to Beckett's area.
2. A Friend in Need
a- Locked up in the infirmary, the group admits defeat.
b- Except McKay. The usually self-centered astrophysist pleads with his Scottish friend to let them go. Beckett reluctantly says no, not wanting to get in trouble for defying a direct order, whatever the reason.
c- Asking to speak to him in private McKay explains the situation to Beckett, practically begging for his help. Beckett agrees on the condition they find a way to keep him out of trouble. Idea forming, McKay sends Beckett to his research lab to grab the Wraith Stunner he was experimenting on.
d- As he hands over the alien weapon, Beckett realizes what they're gonna do too late. He tries to turn tail and run but Sheppard shoots the medical doctor in the back. The group hauls the unconscience Beckett onto the examination table, McKay breifly apologizes to his friend before they leave for the armory, then the Jumper bay.
3. First Defiance, Then Trickery, Now Thievery?
a- Arriving at the Jumper Bay, fortunately deserted, the crew flies Puddle Jumper 6 to the gateroom, cloaked.
1- They choose JP6 because it's on the second level, therefore anyone briefly looking inside won't notice it gone. b- Ford has second thoughts about defying the order from Weir. Sheppard, having gotten a black mark before, tells him he can leave. McKay and Teyla voice that they're staying to save Sheedra, whatever the consquences. Ford calms down and agrees.

[Lucia Tanaka]

IV: "Preserving the Last Tsunami"
1. Dealing With Akito
a- When AG1 return to the Oasis world, they fly low until they're just outside of town and land, not wanting to cause suspicion.
b- It's nighttime, and approaching the hour of the Gecenadi Ritual. They head for the temple to find Akito.
c- Akito is less-than-happy to see them and even more upset when (surprisingly) McKay demands to see Sheedra. Of course, the Elder declines.
d- After Ford knocks out Akito with the butt of his gun, they shoot open the lock on the backroom's door. Dressed up in ceremonial robes, Sheedra the Zephyr is crying in the corner. Now that her cloak's hood is gone, they can see the bruise over her left eye.
2. A Not-So-Smooth Getaway
a- Sheedra takes some talking to convince to leave, as she's feels it'd be turning on her duty. Teyla changes her mind and helps her out to the PJ. Sheppard flies the ship a few feet in the air and cloaks, letting it hover there so they can figure out what to do.
b- A quick interrogation tells the that Sheedra has no parents left and since she was named the sacrifice has been shunned by her friends. With nowhere to go, they decide to take Sheedra back to Atlantis.
c- Dialing home, Sheppard sends his EDO to get the sheild down. As soon as it's recognized, Weir angry voice comes in over the radio. She demands an explanation. Sheppard refuses to say anything until they'll let home.
3. Forgiveness and New Responsibility
a- After putting away the PJ, AG1 and Sheedra exit and are escorted to the breifing room.
b- The group goes into a hated arguement over whether it was a right desicion with Weir. After much yelling, Weir accepts Sheppard's apology for ignoring orders and that saving the 7-year-old was worth it.
c- Weir finally addresses Sheedra, who has withdrawn into herself completely. The child fidgets nervously, barely speaking and only giving yes and no answers. Giving up, Weir has McKay take her down to Beckett (who's awake but a little numb).
d- As soon as McKay enters the hospital wing, Beckett kicks him in the ankle, afterward claiming they're even. Hoisting Sheedra up onto on of the beds, the doctor goes to work on the infection. McKay sits nearby looking annoyed at Beckett, but watching over the refugee.
e- Weir shows up, bring forth an interesting question: What will they do with the girl now? Considering her young age, she needs a guardian. Beckett suggests one of the Athosians take her in, but Weir thinks it'd be rude to ask that of their guests.
f- Teyla, overhearing the conversation, suggests the people who saved her take her in, AG1. Each person can take turns watching over her and perhaps Beckett could watch her during off-world missions. Beckett agrees, as does McKay. Teyla leaves to ask the others if the plan is okay.
g- Injecting Sheedra with a sedative, they let the alien sleep.

V: "Settling in with Sea Airs"
1. Breakfast with the Liosic
a- Sheedra wakes up a day later in the infirmary at about 4 in the morning. Scared of the unfamilar surroundings, she tries to get off the high bed. Unknowing she has an IV in her arm, she hops down, sending the metal hanger for the medicine crashing to the floor and ripping the needle painfully out of her arm.
b- Beckett wakes up from his room (adjecent to the infirmary) to the crash, quickly throwing off the covers and darting into the other room. Seeing the IV stand on the floor, he nearly panics until he sees Sheedra hundled in the corner, head resting on her knees.
c- Scooping up the child, Beckett sets her back on the examination table, making sure the area where the neddle was pulled out is alright. Wrapping the joint lightly in gauze, he asks the timid Sheedra if she's alright. She confirms she is and apologizes for being a bother. After reassuring her, he decides they should have lunch before anyone else get up since the normally huge crowd wouldn't be a good idea for such a shy person.
d- Leading her by hand to the cafeteria, Beckett starts the first real conversation with Sheedra by asking her what food she likes. She loves fruit, especially a citrus type she calls a Rjinocen. After eating a bowl of dried fruit, Beckett takes her back to the hospital wing, letting her wander around the main lab as he works.
2. Sunrise with a Quoc'tod
a- About two hours later, Ford arrives to take Sheedra off Beckett's hands. Beckett laughs, claiming she was nice to have around, causing the said child to blush. She calls Beckett "Ce'udequ Liosic" before leaving, leaving the Doctor in confusion.
b- While walking around the city to explore unvisited areas, Ford tries to get more than a few words at a time out of his charge. He feels discouraged after only getting "Yes, Quoc'tod" and "No, Quoc'tod" out of her. Curious, he rests on one of the many balconies and asks her what the foreign word means.
c- Sheedra shuffles her feet and reaches out to touch Ford's arm, repeating the word. Noticing he's not understanding and she doesn't know the translation of her phrase, she places her more pale arm next his. Figuring it out, he's translates "Quoc'tod" to have something to do with his skin tone being so dark.
d- The two walk around the city in comfortable silence until Ford is called to the gateroom to be breifed on his next mission with AG2.
3. Lunchtime with the Sioquic
a- Running into Teyla on the way to his breifing, Sheedra is left with the Athosian leader. She is on her way to lunch and brings the girl along. Teyla tells Sheedra of her people to try and break the ice. It works fairly well, Sheedra speaking softly until they reach the cafeteria, which is packed with people.
b- Sheedra hides behind Teyla's legs as they enter, fiercely shy of the people around them. They settle in the far corner of the room with sandwiches. Teyla asks why Sheedra is so afraid of everyone.
c- Sheedra tells the story of her life. Her mother was not of the Yunan or the Wind Clan and was outcast everywhere she went. She had amnesia and lost all memory of her life before living in the Oasis. She married into the Wind Clan via her father, Jeequen the Tempest. When Sheedra was born, her mother died from a complication. Her father raised her, but died from heat stroke on his rite to lead to Clan. The rest of the clan was killed in a Wraith attack four years later. Sheedra moved from home to home, living with friends and charitable temple folk. While playing near the lake, she tripped and cut her forehead on a rock. It was quickly infected and she was named the Gecenadi Sacrifice. Everyone shunned her after that.
d- To comfort Sheedra, Teyla tells her nothing like that will happen in Atlantis. Instead of pushing her away when she was hurt, they'd take her in and cure her. She'd also never have to be alone. Teyla also tells Sheedra of when she first met the people of Earth and how they helped her people.
4. Ride with the Nosir'kudic
a- Major Sheppard takes Sheedra away from Teyla, joking about how he's gonna kidnap her, again. He's going on a intell flight around the planet and wanted to bring the newcomer along.
b- Having Sheedra sit shotgun, Sheppard takes the time by telling the alien stories from his world. She's fascinated by them, curiousity with no end in sight.
1- The story Sheppard tells is actually his interpretation of Star Wars.
c- In return for his story, Sheedra agrees to tell him one of the Wind Clan's legends. She tells him of the Wind Clan's once-ally/now-enemy, the Ralven.
1- The story: A man named Dyne arrived dying outside the Wind Clan's village ages ago, pleading for help. Of course, the Clan took him straight to the healer and had him saved. When he was well, the Chief Tsunami questioned Dyne how he met that condition. Dyne said he was a wandering saleman who was attacked by bandits and left for dead.
2- It was against the Clan's laws to allow a stranger into the village, but Tsunami took pity on the weary Dyne and let him stay. Though, Dyne was never allowed to leave the main village. For years, Dyne kept his promise to never walk beyond the gates.
3- But years later, Dyne became fairly stir-crazy, wanting desperately to see new surroundings. He swore on his life he would return within the night and passed the gates to the village back where a small shrine stood. The shrine was said to hold the true potential of the Wind Clan's powers, but none was allowed to touch it for with the good powers, it also held the evil. The box, made of enchanted diamond pine wood.
4- So beautiful was the box that Dyne wanted only to touch it once. He picked up the box, but it was so smooth it slipped from his hands and opened. For his treachery, the guardian of the box filled Dyne with the dark magic. The holy magic went to Tsunami.
5- The two battled for the entire night, each the other's match. But so hurt was Tsunami that his friend betrayed him, he faltered for a second and Dyne thust his sword though the Clan Leader's chest. With his last bit of life, Tsunami tried to kill Dyne, but the spell was only half complete when Tsunami's breath ran out.
6. That spell's half still struck Dyne, seperating his body into three, one of fire and earth, one of water and ice, and one of pure maliciousness and evil. The three fled that place, named the eternal enemy of the Wind Clan. They were called the Ralven.
d- By the time Sheedra's tale is finished, the PJ is put away and the guardian and his young charge are sitting on the steps of the Gateroom.
5. A Long Night with the Cynical Juri Edi
a- Beckett shows up to take Sheedra to the infirmary to check out her infection. Sheppard bids her goodnight and wanders off. When the two arrive at the infirmary, McKay is there, groaning pitifully as he lays on one of the table. Beckett rolls his eyes, going to tend the unlucky scientist.
b- Once McKay's burn (he claims he doesn't know where it came from) is wrapped up, Beckett tells him it's his turn to watch Sheedra. McKay complains a bit but accepts his charge. Beckett exhanges the gauze on Sheedra's forehead with a patch of cotton secured with medical tape.
c- The silent girl follows McKay to his makeshift lab as the astrophysist panics, not knowing the first thing about taking care of a child. He takes a real look at her and notices her fidgeting with her now tattered ceremonial robe. He suddenly offers to find her something else to wear.
d- After decking her out in SGA's uniform (rolled up at the sleeves and legs so she can actually walk), he walks with her down the hall to his lab and sets to work.
e- A few minutes later, he spots her looking over his shoulder at the device he's working on. She begins asking many questions, about the city, about his job, about Earth, and about him. They stay up late talking about whatever comes to mind.
f- Once all her questions are answered, she climbs up into a nearby egg chair, curling up they in a cat-like way and falls asleep. An half hour later, he finished for the night and decides not to wake the girl. He carries her to the hospital wing, tucking her in on one of the beds.


End of Book One: Turbulent Winds

[Dreamin_of_Rain]

wow looks long...But it looks good I can't wait to read the whole thing. If you need someone to beta it for you I have nothing better to do with my time. You can send itto [email protected] I'm looking forward toreading it.

[Lucia Tanaka]

Thank you muchly. I do think I'll take you up on that offer. I'll have the first chapter done later today. I'll email it to you upon my finish. ^.^

~Lucia

[Orce]

I love it! Sounds very interesting. Oh and you're going to laugh at me when I ask this but I just registered here and I'm still a noob. What did you mean when you said you would beta the story?

[Lucia Tanaka]

Beta is short for beta read. Someone who'll take you chapters before you post them and proofread them and give tips of how it could be better. Beta Reader, the fanfic writer's secret weapon, our silent commandos, hiding in the shadows of the fandom world, swore to secrecy of their work. *melodramatic music sounds*

~Lucia

[Dreamin_of_Rain]

Thank you muchly. I do think I'll take you up on that offer. I'll have the first chapter done later today. I'll email it to you upon my finish. ^.^

~Lucia

I noticed you posted the first chap of your story I was wondering if you had sent the chap to my email. My email sometimes goes wonky on me and puts things in the junk folder that shouldn't be. Or did you just decide to go ahead and post it?

[Lucia Tanaka]

You didn't get it? O.O I'm sorry. I waited a bit after sending it, and you didn't respond so I just said what-the-heck-why-not? and posted. Sorry.

~Lucia

[Dreamin_of_Rain]

well if you want to try sending it again make sure you label the subject beta so it will be easier to find. [email protected]