I need a proofreader

[Elitenova]

Right now, I am having a hard time finding a proofreader for my series. Just email me and you will get the details.

[CeeKay Sheppard]

I would volunteer, but I'm currently beta reading for three people at once, and writing a story of my own. However, if you stop over in this thread, you should be able to find someone. (BTW, in case you didn't know, a beta reader is a proofreader.)

[Elitenova]

Spoiler

ALLIANCE SPACE
SECTOR 004.55
AUGUST 12, 2012

15 light years from Beta Centauri, a rift opens; a rift of unimaginable proportion tore the fabric of space and time, causing an enormous amount of energy, expelling particles of neutrino radiation into the void of space. The rift shimmers as two Cylon base stars emerges from the rift and sequentially jumped to their determine target.

290 kilometers away, a hyperspace window opens. Seconds later, a Daedulas class battle-cruiser exited the window and slowly approaches the rift.

It was on patrol, when the Midway station sensors orbiting Beta Centauri detected it and dispatch the Bellerophon to investigate.

In the Bridge, Captain James Curry and Commander Audrey Hayes enter and took their respective seat and was briefed by the Lt. Commander Lucy Vasquez.

“Sir, the anomaly is giving off Neutrino emission, our shields are running steady.” Lt. Commander Vasquez reported. As she works her controls on the sensor readout, an unusual energy signature has been detected.

“What’s wrong Ms. Vasquez?” Captain Curry asked. He read the same readout on his command chair LCD monitor and was very suspicious.

“I think its artificial sir. By the amount of energy it’s giving off, it will close in 20 minutes.” Is all she can say?

“Maybe CVIR can help us with this.” Commander Audrey Hayes suggested as she stood up from her comfortable chair and head her way out to the elevator.

Captain James Curry stopped her before the elevator door closed. “Audrey.”

“First name basis, what’s up?” She asked him. After being friends for 10 years and served in the Prometheus together had made them close friends.

“I have a mission for you.”

“Really, what perilous mission you put me through this time?” she asked him. She remembered a mission in the Pegasus Galaxy. Infiltrate a Wraith Hive with a squad or marines and take out the Queen.

“Don’t remind me. Have CVIR and yourself in the hanger in 10 minutes.” Jimmy ordered. He let go of the elevator door and let go on her way.

“Yes sir Captain.” Audrey smiles while faking a salute.


BELLEROPHON
SECTOR 004.55
AUGUST 12 2012

In the hanger bay, CVIR and Commander Audrey Hayes were waiting for the Captain by their B-308 Bomber/recon ship. It was bigger than a regular 302, but the B-308 has a hyper drive and beaming technology including sensors. While they were waiting, talked among themselves.

“How is your father?” CVIR asked her.

“He’s doing…” She was interrupted when Captain James Curry arrived at the hanger bay with contingent of Marines. “What’s with the Marines sir?” She asked her.

“Load them up!” he ordered the marines. As the Marines loaded up in the B-308, Captain James Curry approached him and briefed them of the situation.

“Our orders are to investigate the origin of the anomaly and shut it down.” She repeated the mission orders.

“I believe we will be successful in this mission.” CVIR reiterated and gave a smile to the two officers.

“I can get someone else to do this Commander.” Captain Curry was concern with his friend and a daughter of the Alliance President.

“No, they probably screw this up.” She said. As the two got in the B-308, she let CVIR pass by her and she stop at the exit ramp of the ship, looking back at Captain James Curry. “Tell my father, that I love him.”

“I will.” He promised her.

“Captain Curry, you are need at the flight deck.” A female voice on the intercom called.

As she closed the ramp and the ship engines started, it hovered five feet on the hanger deck tritium alloy runway. Captain James Curry left the hanger deck and head hi way to the bridge of the ship.

“You have a go. God speed.” Captain James Curry said over the radio.

“Thank you sir” Audrey replied.

As soon as the hanger door opens, the B-308 accelerated out of the hanger bay and flew into the rift.

Captain James Curry enter the bridge, Lt. Commander Vasquez, approached him and handed him a tablet pc containing classified material and crew rotation on the ship.

“Captain, we are getting a subspace transmission from Midway sir.” Lt. Brenda Frasier informed him.

Captain Curry gave the tablet pc to Lt. Commander Vasquez and approached his command chair. “What it say?” He asked Lt. Frasier.

“Somehow it stopped sir. I can get partial text and it says that they are being attacked by an unknown ship.” Lt. Frasier informed the Captain to what the transmission said.

“Set a course to the station at best possible speed. “

“Aye sir” Lt. Mark Vlask replied, he works on the helm control. “30 seconds.”

The Daedulas class ship turned around from the rift. It opened a hyperspace window a few meters away and enters the hyperspace window.

MIDWAY STATION
BETA CENTAURI ORBIT
AUGUST 12, 2012

In the command center, CPO Xian Hu Li spotted a virus on the computer mainframe. He informed Captain Lature of the situation. “The virus disabled our communication systems sir” he said.

“Activate the anti viral program.” Lature ordered the petty officer.

He did what he was told, but his computer froze and started to act up. Seconds later, the console exploded killing the petty officer.

Captain Lature grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire before calling for medics to check on the dead chief petty officer. He went back to his command desk and barked more orders. “I’m assuming that was the first strike. Ensign Martinez, charge weapons and fire all missile on their weapons and engine.”

“Firing missiles.” Ensign Martinez said as he works his controls to target the vital system on the strange ship.

Four missiles launched from the missile tube, rail gun rounds rapid fire hit the base star, but the energy field protecting was unexpected.

“How the hell did they get shields? Fire D.E.B” Lature asked Ensign Polack.

“Yes sir.” Martinez responded.

“I have no clue sir. Sensor didn’t detect any shielding technology whatsoever.” Polack responded.

The turret for the Direct Energy Beam pulsated and a stream of ionized particle hit the ship, hitting the shields.

“The D.E.B is not getting through.”

“Fire all weapons and send a distress buoys down to the planet.” Captain Lature ordered. He knew the communication failed.

All weapons on the station lights up. Missiles launched as the dissipate smoke trails from the tube of the launcher and ended at the shimmering shield of the Base star. Railgun shimmer nozzle spurt out rounds after rounds of triennium. Never reaching the target’s hull that is protected by the energy shield of some kind. After volley and volley of D.E.B fired from the turret, the Base star responded.

RIFT OPENING
CYRANNUS GALAXY
AUGUST 12, 2012

Three Cylon ships guarding the rift didn’t expect the B-308 to exit to their side of the rift. As the B-308 cloaked, to hide from the Cylon even though the bomber/recon ship have radar jamming technology. It approaches at the base of the ship and in stationary orbit of the Cylon Base star.

“Can you beam us into the ship that opened the rift?” Audrey asked as she warmed herself with a plasma rifle. “Once we are in the ship, try downloading something that can help us if we are stuck in this galaxy.”

“I will try.” CVIR reassured her. “Are you ready Commander?”

“Yes we are. Beam us to the engineering section of the ship

“I will try Commander.”

Audrey and the Marines were ready and CVIR work his control.

In the Base star engineering section, A Cylon Centurion left the room. A beam of light appeared and Audrey and her 5 marines materialized, aiming their weapons at a different direction. Audrey was crouching and stood up.

“We are clear.” Audrey report on the radio, she walk to the controls room and pull out a small palm size scanner from her left vest pocket. She scanned the controls for vital information on the ship and she found what she was looking for.

As she type in commands on the Cylon controls, she downloaded the information to her palm pilot scanner and relay it to CVIR Asgard computer system.

“Commander, I have all the information I need. The rift generator is 4 levels from you. Can you get there in time?”
“I’ve just downloaded the schematic of this ship; I think I can find a way to get there.” Audrey replied.

A Marine covering the corridor leading to the control room spotted something or someone is coming. He hid in the column and peered through the opening of the column. Two blond women were approaching the control room. “We have incoming.” He alerted his men and Commander Audrey Hayes.

“Roger.” Audrey said over the radio. “CVIR, can you beam one of our Naquadria bomb to the control?” She knew her team will be compromised.

CVIR didn’t ask why but followed orders from his commanding officer. “Beaming now,”

The bomb materialized in the control room and Audrey set command codes to arm the weapon. As she works on the bomb against the clock, she heard automatic fire coming from the corridor of the ship. “What’s going on?” she asked over the radio.

The Marine who killed the two blond women, waited for more. “We’ve been spotted.”

Seconds later, the alarm on the ship sounded. Cylon Centurions ran from their patrolling and head their way to the control room with their weapon retracted from their arm. Before it could fire a shot, a Marine hiding in the corridor column empty his clip and the Centurion flew inches away like a piece of scrap metal.

“Uh, fall back.” He ran to the control with the marines. He closed the door behind him and waits for CVIR to extract them.

Audrey finished configuring the bomb. “CVIR, we are ready.”

The door of the control room burst open, Centurion pile in first and surrounded the intruders. Six came in and was curious to know who shot the other models. Suddenly a bright light surrounds the intruder and disappeared in thin air.

“What happen?” she asked one of herself. She looked around and saw a weird rectangular object in the middle of the room. She approached it and read the counter. “Frak.”

In the B-308, Audrey and the Marines materialized back. The Marines put their weapons down and quickly sat down on their seat and buckled up. Audrey ran to the cockpit and took the controls.

“Status?” CIVR asked.

“I set the bomb to 10 seconds 5 seconds ago.” Audrey said as he pushed the engines out of stationary orbit of the Base Star.

“Coordinates are set on the navigation computer.”

Without hesitation, Audrey opened the hyperspace window and the ship accelerated into the aperture of the singularity. Once inside the aperture closes.

The Naquadria bomb exploded, the entire ship exploded, causing a massive shockwave to reach the other 2 Base stars explode.

How you like it

[vaberella]

I like the beginning and it's very readable. Only a few points I want to mention. Watch out with timelines....you can get your self stuck in a hole, I had a friend that happened to her in her story and she had to take a hiatus to figure out how to get out of where she was at. You might want to leave it August 2012 or just 2012 (which is recommended). Unless of course your story is short and happens in a certain amount of time..then it's cool.

Also watch your titles. One minute it's Lt. Commander Vasquez (I love that) and then it's Ms. Vasquez, but not her title..so becareful there.

Plus I'm one for discriptions..meaning..I need details about Lt. Commander Vasquez, meaning her height, a description of her age and I need details in tones and what's being done...do I can picutre myself there.

Overall..great start! VB

[Elitenova]

Here is the fanfiction. Just click here

So far, I got to chapter 1. I'm working on Chapter 2 through 100.