"The End Of All" TEOA Short Story I Have Written

[Coco Pops]

And would dearly love some help.


I just finished writing the introduction to a story I had been writing for the last 10 or so years... About the last day on Earth and how the planet gets taken over..... Had done several versions of this including one version where the aliens came from Mars, Mars being a hollow shell that hid their giant ship.. And the aliens were humans.

Current story will maintain this only I took the Mars thing out. I need some comments so iif you guys can please download the file and have a read and post what you think. This is only the intro..

[LoneStar1836]

Well the only thing I can help you with is editing/grammatical stuff/etc. If that's not part of the help you are looking for, then I can't help as I'm not that creative story wise if you are looking for story ideas/a different way to write the intro.

I think you are off to a fairly good start storywise, but there are a number of edits I'd have for punctuation, restructuring some sentences/rewording, cutting out some description to tighten it up, etc.


So are the aliens coming from another dimension or something if they are human? Is that what the red rift in the sky is? Or is that like Stargate, etc hyperspace travel?

[Coco Pops]

Well the only thing I can help you with is editing/grammatical stuff/etc. If that's not part of the help you are looking for, then I can't help as I'm not that creative story wise if you are looking for story ideas/a different way to write the intro.

I think you are off to a fairly good start storywise, but there are a number of edits I'd have for punctuation, restructuring some sentences/rewording, cutting out some description to tighten it up, etc.


So are the aliens coming from another dimension or something if they are human? Is that what the red rift in the sky is? Or is that like Stargate, etc hyperspace travel?

Oooh I write as I think. I usually don't even think about the grammar side of things as I tend to be quite verbose.

I used OpenOffice to write this so it should open in a Microsnot program called Word LOL...... Hey if you don't mind showing me what you have edited that'd be terrific.

The redshift is actually our sky vanishing and Earth being pulled into a dimension where the sun is slightly red.. Just a cosmetic thing. But as you will see humans will no longer be able to go into space, let alone fly in airplanes.. But that's a surprise.

[knowles2]

Cool, I will be interested in reading the rest. Yeah their a couple of words missing and a couple of grammar issues that I notice. I have not corrected them it just something I notice. Nothing serious but grammar is my own downfall to.

Their is plenty of possibilities in the small piece you have posted. I guesting those prototype devices will help save the planet somehow. And that these people will somehow lead a resistance or something.

[Coco Pops]

Cool, I will be interested in reading the rest. Yeah their a couple of words missing and a couple of grammar issues that I notice. I have not corrected them it just something I notice. Nothing serious but grammar is my own downfall to.

Their is plenty of possibilities in the small piece you have posted. I guesting those prototype devices will help save the planet somehow. And that these people will somehow lead a resistance or something.

Oooh don't get too far ahead of yourself young padawan

It might not be a resistance or a happy ending.

[knowles2]

Do you plan to write any more, any time soon.

[Coco Pops]

Do you plan to write any more, any time soon.

I will be tonight.... Most inspiration comes at night for me and chapter one starts tonight. I'll probably also write a short profile piece about each character.

I have an unfinished trek story too about the borg landing in the 60s and creating a race of human / borg hybrids as "sleeper agents" that would breed future generations of sleepers and at a certain point in time they'd all be activated..... but I lost interest . with that.

Here is the borg story. And an idea I had about Picard being a sleeper agent

[LoneStar1836]

Oooh I write as I think. I usually don't even think about the grammar side of things as I tend to be quite verbose.

I used OpenOffice to write this so it should open in a Microsnot program called Word LOL...... Hey if you don't mind showing me what you have edited that'd be terrific.

The redshift is actually our sky vanishing and Earth being pulled into a dimension where the sun is slightly red.. Just a cosmetic thing. But as you will see humans will no longer be able to go into space, let alone fly in airplanes.. But that's a surprise.

Well that's different. Not what I was expecting that to be.


I figured this was just a draft. Here's my suggestions so far. And that's all they are...suggestions. Keep in mind the last thing I ever wrote/edited was years ago in college.

Spoiler:

This was the end of all, the last days of Earth. This was the last time that we would see our families and our friends, our loved ones, and those that we cared about. (I think the sentence reads better like this if you want to keep the extra descriptions of what family/friends are though I'm not sure what I edited it to is proper comma usage. lol. I'm rusty on comma usage.) For they came like the wind, without mercy or compassion. They came and took our world.

In the short span of a one day things changed so much, and so many people lost their lives. This was the last day of Earth. The day that life on Earth as we know it died.

.............................

This was the end of all, the last days of Earth. This was the last time we would see our families and friends, our loved ones, those we cared about. For they came like the wind, without mercy or compassion. They came and took our world.

In the short span of a day things changed so much, and so many people lost their lives. This was the last day of Earth. The day that life on Earth as we know it died.

Spoiler:

It was a day like any other. Vehicles cars moved along the busy streets. People worked, played, went to school, and did the daily things of life. I had just gotten out of a meeting with some co workers where we were making a presentation for a new device I had devised. There was nothing at all special about today and I jumped into the lift with Amanda, Karen, and Bill heading toward the carpark and our car to head back to our own place of work at our own private facility.

We eventually arrived and we all piled into the minivan. Karen took the driver's seat and started the engine, and started to drive out. We got onto the main road after she had popped her ID card into the slot at the exit so the boom gates would let us out.

We then got onto the main road and into the rest of the traffic, the cars moving at the usual road speed and nothing at all seemed out of the ordinary. The drive back to our place of work seemed ordinary and uneventful. Smalltalk was exchanged along the way and the radio was on. About half way to our facility which would have taken approximately 2 hours to get to the news came on interrupting the regular program.

Karen turned up the radio so we could all listen.


.....................Sticking with what you wrote, I rewrote it a little differently as I though it was a little too much mundane description, yet this is where you introduce this device that possibly comes into play later. (Unless that is not the case. ) I played it up a little more than you did as it wasn't exactly just any other old work day for these particular people, but a day they had been building to...presenting this device they had created to I'm assuming people higher up in their company since they had key cards to the parking gates even though your characters are based at another facility. Having no idea what the device is, I'm assuming they were doing some kind of presentation to have funding for it continued, have it produced or something along those lines since if it is used later on they had already apparently gotten approval to create it.
................................

It was a day like any other. Vehicles moved along the busy streets. People worked, played, went to school, and did the daily things of life. Before things began to fall apart, my most pressing issue of the day was a presentation meeting at our corporate offices. My co-workers and I had spent over a year perfecting a new device, and this was our big day to impress the man who pays the bills.

"So, do you think we sold them on our project?" Bill remarked as he, Amanda, Karen, and I walked from the conference room to the lift that would take us down to the carpark.

The long two-hour drive back to our private research facility would give us plenty of time to discuss how well we thought the presentation went. We all piled into the minivan with Karen behind the wheel. She scanned her ID card at the boom gates, and as the gates opened, we drove away unaware of what was to come.

After having talked it over, we were all feeling very positive that our dedication to the project would be rewarded. An hour into the drive, the local radio station programing was interrupted by a national news broadcast.

Karen turned up the radio so we could all listen.

Spoiler:

“This is KNNBC National Radio News. We bring you this newsflash due to extra ordinary events that have happened......”

The voice over then cut to a reporter that who was on location where this event was happening. He was in Paris describing the scene.

“This is Tom Metcalf reporting live from Paris. The sky has literally opened up here. The blue sky has opened up into a bright shade of red, and these things are flying out of the red. They have no form or shape, just black dart like shapes with spikes around them. They are moving forwards and spinning at the same time and shooting buildings, cars, people. and Whatever they hit bursts into flames and ash...”

Then there was the sound of footsteps as the reporter started running holding his microphone still and the sounds of screeching in the background, of car breaks, and another sound, an unearthly scream followed by another, and another, then the sound went dead.

The reporter's voice disappeared and the sound of running footsteps followed by screeching car tires and unearthly screams came streaming through the radio. The chaos seemed to be growing and then suddenly the sound went dead.

.........................

“This is KNNBC National Radio News. We bring you this newsflash due to extra ordinary events that have happened......”

The voice over then cut to a reporter who was on location in Paris describing the scene.

“This is Tom Metcalf reporting live from Paris. The sky has literally opened up here. The blue sky has opened up into a bright shade of red, and these things are flying out of the red. They have no form or shape, just black dart like shapes with spikes around them. They are moving forwards and spinning at the same time and shooting buildings, cars, people. Whatever they hit bursts into flames and ash...”

The reporter's voice disappeared and the sound of running footsteps followed by screeching car tires and unearthly screams came streaming through the radio. The chaos seemed to be growing and then suddenly the sound went dead.

[Coco Pops]

Well that's different. Not what I was expecting that to be.


I figured this was just a draft. Here's my suggestions so far. And that's all they are...suggestions. Keep in mind the last thing I ever wrote/edited was years ago in college.

Spoiler:

This was the end of all, the last days of Earth. This was the last time that we would see our families and our friends, our loved ones, and those that we cared about. (I think the sentence reads better like this if you want to keep the extra descriptions of what family/friends are though I'm not sure what I edited it to is proper comma usage. lol. I'm rusty on comma usage.) For they came like the wind, without mercy or compassion. They came and took our world.

In the short span of a one day things changed so much, and so many people lost their lives. This was the last day of Earth. The day that life on Earth as we know it died.

.............................

This was the end of all, the last days of Earth. This was the last time we would see our families and friends, our loved ones, those we cared about. For they came like the wind, without mercy or compassion. They came and took our world.

In the short span of a day things changed so much, and so many people lost their lives. This was the last day of Earth. The day that life on Earth as we know it died.

Spoiler:

It was a day like any other. Vehicles cars moved along the busy streets. People worked, played, went to school, and did the daily things of life. I had just gotten out of a meeting with some co workers where we were making a presentation for a new device I had devised. There was nothing at all special about today and I jumped into the lift with Amanda, Karen, and Bill heading toward the carpark and our car to head back to our own place of work at our own private facility.

We eventually arrived and we all piled into the minivan. Karen took the driver's seat and started the engine, and started to drive out. We got onto the main road after she had popped her ID card into the slot at the exit so the boom gates would let us out.

We then got onto the main road and into the rest of the traffic, the cars moving at the usual road speed and nothing at all seemed out of the ordinary. The drive back to our place of work seemed ordinary and uneventful. Smalltalk was exchanged along the way and the radio was on. About half way to our facility which would have taken approximately 2 hours to get to the news came on interrupting the regular program.

Karen turned up the radio so we could all listen.


.....................Sticking with what you wrote, I rewrote it a little differently as I though it was a little too much mundane description, yet this is where you introduce this device that possibly comes into play later. (Unless that is not the case. ) I played it up a little more than you did as it wasn't exactly just any other old work day for these particular people, but a day they had been building to...presenting this device they had created to I'm assuming people higher up in their company since they had key cards to the parking gates even though your characters are based at another facility. Having no idea what the device is, I'm assuming they were doing some kind of presentation to have funding for it continued, have it produced or something along those lines since if it is used later on they had already apparently gotten approval to create it.
................................

It was a day like any other. Vehicles moved along the busy streets. People worked, played, went to school, and did the daily things of life. Before things began to fall apart, my most pressing issue of the day was a presentation meeting at our corporate offices. My co-workers and I had spent over a year perfecting a new device, and this was our big day to impress the man who pays the bills.

"So, do you think we sold them on our project?" Bill remarked as he, Amanda, Karen, and I walked from the conference room to the lift that would take us down to the carpark.

The long two-hour drive back to our private research facility would give us plenty of time to discuss how well we thought the presentation went. We all piled into the minivan with Karen behind the wheel. She scanned her ID card at the boom gates, and as the gates opened, we drove away unaware of what was to come.

After having talked it over, we were all feeling very positive that our dedication to the project would be rewarded. An hour into the drive, the local radio station programing was interrupted by a national news broadcast.

Karen turned up the radio so we could all listen.

Spoiler:

“This is KNNBC National Radio News. We bring you this newsflash due to extra ordinary events that have happened......”

The voice over then cut to a reporter that who was on location where this event was happening. He was in Paris describing the scene.

“This is Tom Metcalf reporting live from Paris. The sky has literally opened up here. The blue sky has opened up into a bright shade of red, and these things are flying out of the red. They have no form or shape, just black dart like shapes with spikes around them. They are moving forwards and spinning at the same time and shooting buildings, cars, people. and Whatever they hit bursts into flames and ash...”

Then there was the sound of footsteps as the reporter started running holding his microphone still and the sounds of screeching in the background, of car breaks, and another sound, an unearthly scream followed by another, and another, then the sound went dead.

The reporter's voice disappeared and the sound of running footsteps followed by screeching car tires and unearthly screams came streaming through the radio. The chaos seemed to be growing and then suddenly the sound went dead.

.........................

“This is KNNBC National Radio News. We bring you this newsflash due to extra ordinary events that have happened......”

The voice over then cut to a reporter who was on location in Paris describing the scene.

“This is Tom Metcalf reporting live from Paris. The sky has literally opened up here. The blue sky has opened up into a bright shade of red, and these things are flying out of the red. They have no form or shape, just black dart like shapes with spikes around them. They are moving forwards and spinning at the same time and shooting buildings, cars, people. Whatever they hit bursts into flames and ash...”

The reporter's voice disappeared and the sound of running footsteps followed by screeching car tires and unearthly screams came streaming through the radio. The chaos seemed to be growing and then suddenly the sound went dead.

I am so using some of this. If you don't mind.

And I've decided ths won't go the way of traditional stories.

[LoneStar1836]

I am so using some of this. If you don't mind.

And I've decided ths won't go the way of traditional stories.

Don't mind at all as it is all you idea anyway. I just moved some stuff around and reworded some things and only added a little bit based on what you had.

I'll take a look at the rest tomorrow.


Well it's peaked my interest to read the rest when you finish it to see where it goes...seeing as how the Earth gets sucked into another dimension. Usually it's just people that happens to.

[Coco Pops]

Don't mind at all as it is all you idea anyway. I just moved some stuff around and reworded some things and only added a little bit based on what you had.

I'll take a look at the rest tomorrow.


Well it's peaked my interest to read the rest when you finish it to see where it goes...seeing as how the Earth gets sucked into another dimension. Usually it's just people that happens to.

Here is a little more. This is a brief discription of the universe of my story and a little about their technology....

Being pure fantasy I can change things as I see fit but I'm using this as my template so I don't go too far astray.

[LoneStar1836]

Sorry I hadn't gotten back to you. Got kinda busy so I hadn't looked at this thread since I last posted in it.


My first question...this "old" and "new" Earth are existing on the same orbit around the sun right? They are just in different (opposite?) places on the orbital path. At first I wasn't sure where the "old" Earth had gone to.

Since you are going with a fantasy aspect then I'll accept your reasoning behind "our" Earth getting pulled to this other dimension, that it's nature pulling some kind of balancing act.

If I were writing this though and sticking with your basic premise that this AU Earth has a devastated environment, I'd go with a more sci-fi kinda thing that those left on this wasteland planet intentionally pulled this Earth from another dimension so that they could have a new home rather than it randomly appearing. Kinda like when AU SG-1 created that dimensional rift in Ripple Effect. Don't ask me how they would know if the planet they were getting was any better than the one they currently had though.



My only major problem is that this civilization has achieved such an advanced form of supposedly "clean" tech yet they live on a planet you describe as having "become little more then a barren desert world". I find it a problem because with such advanced tech in this area, how did it ever get that bad that it is essentially a wasteland. Also in my mind, their tech should have been advanced enough in other areas that they should have been able to start to renew the planet's environments UNLESS the ones still left on that Earth had no intention of trying to do that.

I would have to say other forces (possibly nuclear war or something equally devastating...asteroid strike maybe) were also in play for things to get that bad and for them not to have the ability to reverse what had been done. For me, it is quite the stretch of the imagination to believe that carbon pollution alone would totally devastate the planet like that.

I understand that they had to advance to that point and essentially were polluting the planet before such advancements had been achieved, but that's an awful lot of seeming irreversible destruction since even the planet itself was not renewing itself. The Earth is pretty adaptive and it would take a lot to do her in...so much to the point that most of her inhabitants had apparently fled to other worlds or died off long ago because it was so bad, yet the AU Earth was not seeming to repair itself.

I also question that because let's say the Earths in both realities were essentially created and evolved at the same time and at the same rate. You note that on this alternate Earth, when humans finally appeared that they evolved at a much faster rate than our present day Earth...maybe they completely skipped the Dark Ages when science was frowned upon, etc.

Or did the alien inhabitants contribute to the jump in clean tech when they arrived? (Apparently not if they coexisted with humans for some time and then the planet's environment went to hell if that's the case.) Where did the aliens come from/why did they come to live on AU Earth and how do they play into the story, if at all?

Anyway, I would assume that (let's say they totally skipped the Dark Ages) they would also progress past the Industrial Age faster than we did/are as well unless it was a much more draw out period of dirty tech than ours and then they finally created the cleaner tech out of necessity.

I just basically think that something more had to have happened than just simply human pollution...otherwise I would think that would have to be a very long period of time that this pollution had occurred over several centuries and massive amounts where being produced before they decided to change. But then you have to wonder why the stagnation in technology for all those centuries and then a sudden burst to clean tech which came way too late to reverse the damage. Not saying it's not possible but if this AU world is essentially ours, age wise, but at a vastly accelerated tech rate, I just can't see it happening...or at least not to that level of devastation.

I know that is a minor and probably rather stupid detail in the overall story, but it would be one that I would wonder about...these people are so advanced tech wise yet they have managed to completely destroy their planet much faster than we have. It is part of the motivating factor for the Shalgaree though so somewhat important I guess.


I'm not going to comment on all the various techs they have because when watching sci-fi/fantasy, I don't really get hung up on the tech. Not my department. I suppose if you can imagine it and it's in the remote realm of possibility in the world you have created then I don't see a problem.

Though I do find it rather hard to imagine them launching space craft without solid fuel engines (or something similar that produces some kind of thrust that is able to break the pull of Earth's gravity), but I suppose it could be possible if it somehow utilizes a variation of tech we already have like maglev trains or accelerator roller coasters...or that's what I thought of when you described that.


One last thing...why the name change for Earth...considering all the other local planets retained their names? Was it always called Shalgar? That would be something else I would be wondering about unless that detail plays into the story.


Okay that wasn't the last thing. In the intro when the planet shifts into the other dimension, is that Kyara and her forces attacking as the planet shifts or are those something else? I ask because if Kyara had not anticipated the arrival of a new Earth, then how did they mobilize and get there so fast if that is them?

[Coco Pops]

One last thing...why the name change for Earth...considering all the other local planets retained their names? Was it always called Shalgar? That would be something else I would be wondering about unless that detail plays into the story.

Okay that wasn't the last thing. In the intro when the planet shifts into the other dimension, is that Kyara and her forces attacking as the planet shifts or are those something else? I ask because if Kyara had not anticipated the arrival of a new Earth, then how did they mobilize and get there so fast if that is them?

No problem...... I get that people get busy. Wifh family deaths and stuff and the bushfires here I haven't had time to concentrate on my writing or anything ...

First off the planet Shalgar has been named that since their humans first learned to write. It's just stupid chance that the other planets have the same names as the ones in our solar system, in the same way BSG has the twelve constellations of the Zodiac in their universe with the same names as we use... Just one of those stupid things.

Their world was destroyed because it was simply old, and had had its share of wars and most of the population bar the people Kyara govern's have long since left their world. While they do have all the fantastic technology I described she has no desire to clean up her planet. All the things I describe are in her main city which is the only green part of her world, and is also mobile. trees and all.

They didn't know the Earth that was arriving would be our Earth, but it could have been any Earth just pulled in to balance things in their universe at that particular point in time. Their universe does this whenever a planet gets to a certain age. Just a quirk of nature of that universe..

They would have sensed ripples of space distortions on the other side of their sun and that is the only sign in their universe of the arrival of a replacement planet. It always happens in their universe, and it always happens on the exact opposide side of a planet's orbit to create a "mirror" of balance. I'll be explaining all this. But when a new planet appears that usually heralds the death of the other one as that will soon wink out of existence. Kyara knows this and she will soon be gathering up her population into her city which is mobile... The Castle being an old ship that the previous rulers of her world have handed down fromgeneration to generation.

As for the attack on Earth they would have done that regardless of what planet appeared to neutralize any possible threat to Shalgar. She'll eventually move her city / castle to Earth. Then the fun begins..

[LoneStar1836]

No problem...... I get that people get busy. Wifh family deaths and stuff and the bushfires here I haven't had time to concentrate on my writing or anything ...

Sorry to hear that. I hope the bush fires aren't too close to you as that has been such tragic news.

First off the planet Shalgar has been named that since their humans first learned to write. It's just stupid chance that the other planets have the same names as the ones in our solar system, in the same way BSG has the twelve constellations of the Zodiac in their universe with the same names as we use... Just one of those stupid things.

Well okay.

But with BSG it showed the connection that the colonies had with Earth so it wasn't totally random. Thus it left people wondering just what exactly that connection was.

Personally though, I might would just leave that detail out of the story...that the other planets are named Mercury, Venus, Mars, etc. It's not really that important evidently, but it implies too much familiarity with our own human history behind the names of the planets and yet the name of Earth and the universe is wildly different from the familiar.

Keep the same description of the solar system...that the planets are just like ours but drop the same name thing. Suggest that they have other names but you don't actually have to come up with names. Just my opinion though.

The name thing made me wonder if Kyara's people were native to this solar system. Maybe they had been on a planet earth named Shalgar in another AU and they were sucked through and yet instead of being wiped out or taken over by the inhabitants of the old earth they became the dominant power and thus kept their planet name. Wouldn't exactly explain why they kept the other planet names either so...*shrug* But that was one idea I had thought of.

Their world was destroyed because it was simply old, and had had its share of wars and most of the population bar the people Kyara govern's have long since left their world. While they do have all the fantastic technology I described she has no desire to clean up her planet. All the things I describe are in her main city which is the only green part of her world, and is also mobile. trees and all.

Ah okay well now that makes more sense now for me as far as the condition of the planet goes and how Kyara's people are still living there.

They didn't know the Earth that was arriving would be our Earth, but it could have been any Earth just pulled in to balance things in their universe at that particular point in time. Their universe does this whenever a planet gets to a certain age. Just a quirk of nature of that universe..

They would have sensed ripples of space distortions on the other side of their sun and that is the only sign in their universe of the arrival of a replacement planet. It always happens in their universe, and it always happens on the exact opposide side of a planet's orbit to create a "mirror" of balance. I'll be explaining all this. But when a new planet appears that usually heralds the death of the other one as that will soon wink out of existence. Kyara knows this and she will soon be gathering up her population into her city which is mobile... The Castle being an old ship that the previous rulers of her world have handed down fromgeneration to generation.

As for the attack on Earth they would have done that regardless of what planet appeared to neutralize any possible threat to Shalgar. She'll eventually move her city / castle to Earth. Then the fun begins..

That clears up many of the questions I had about that then as well.

I was just pointing out things I would have had questions about and didn't know if you were going to address them in your story, but since your are....

[Coco Pops]

Sorry to hear that. I hope the bush fires aren't too close to you as that has been such tragic news.

Well okay.

But with BSG it showed the connection that the colonies had with Earth so it wasn't totally random. Thus it left people wondering just what exactly that connection was.

Personally though, I might would just leave that detail out of the story...that the other planets are named Mercury, Venus, Mars, etc. It's not really that important evidently, but it implies too much familiarity with our own human history behind the names of the planets and yet the name of Earth and the universe is wildly different from the familiar.

Keep the same description of the solar system...that the planets are just like ours but drop the same name thing. Suggest that they have other names but you don't actually have to come up with names. Just my opinion though.

The name thing made me wonder if Kyara's people were native to this solar system. Maybe they had been on a planet earth named Shalgar in another AU and they were sucked through and yet instead of being wiped out or taken over by the inhabitants of the old earth they became the dominant power and thus kept their planet name. Wouldn't exactly explain why they kept the other planet names either so...*shrug* But that was one idea I had thought of.


Ah okay well now that makes more sense now for me as far as the condition of the planet goes and how Kyara's people are still living there.

That clears up many of the questions I had about that then as well.

I was just pointing out things I would have had questions about and didn't know if you were going to address them in your story, but since your are....

Ta thanks..... Enjoying your feedback.

BTW the bushfires were interstate. It's been such a tragic event here. So many people affected and now without a home.