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P-90_177
October 16th, 2006, 02:49 PM
Ok this is similar to the 'Things you wouldn't want to hear over the Alantis intercom' thread.
Basically it's the same only what is said would be during Weir's weekly update to Earth, either from what weir has said or what Someone on Earth has said.

For example:
weir to earth: we've set the self destruct on atlantis and rodney's forgot the password.

OR

Earth to weir: we're currently having a problem with our iris. please do not attempt to send anyone through the.....*iris bangs as sheppard and his team hit the iris*

I kow you guys can come up with better ones and i need cheering up so go ahead and make me laugh.

P-90_177
October 17th, 2006, 10:55 AM
Come on it's not that bad. Start playing already.

jefferyb
October 17th, 2006, 11:16 AM
Dr. McKay the rash should be healing anytime now.

P-90_177
October 17th, 2006, 01:30 PM
FINALLY!!! THANK YOU!!!
OK i've got another.
Earth to Weir : 'The gate address you have dialled has not been recognised. Please check and try again.'

chyron
October 17th, 2006, 03:56 PM
"Hi, you've reached General Landry and the rest of the staff of Stargate Command. We apologize but we're currently unavailable to accept your call. If this is regarding an urgent matter, please leave a message and we'll contact you shortly. Otherwise, please do not enter the gate as you'll be promptly diseentegrated. Thank you and have a nice day"

-OR-

"Hi, you've reached the Taur'i of Earth. At this time we are experiencing an unusually high number of incoming wormholes. Please hold and we'll be with you shortly....There are...1000 incoming travelers ahead of you..."

P-90_177
October 17th, 2006, 04:23 PM
Earth to Weir: Hallowed are the Ori.

chyron
October 17th, 2006, 04:44 PM
"Dr. Weir...We're sending the Doodlebops to Atlantis to save you from the Replicators"

http://www.cbcshop.ca/CBC/images/products/cbckids/etkid00083(220).jpg

P-90_177
October 17th, 2006, 04:50 PM
What the Frak are Dooddlebops?

Dotus5
October 17th, 2006, 05:41 PM
Weir to Earth: We finally got to talk to a couple of Wraith and they said we do taste like chicken.

Eye Of Ra
October 19th, 2006, 08:21 AM
Earth To Weir this is mitchell um i kinda told the ori were you lot were and there on there way sorry my bad bye.

chyron
October 19th, 2006, 01:37 PM
What the Frak are Dooddlebops?

They are the ones who wiped out THE WIGGLES, but their archnemesis the TeleTubbies are plotting to capture them and bread them with Carter and Sheppherd.

P-90_177
October 19th, 2006, 05:59 PM
They are the ones who wiped out THE WIGGLES, but their archnemesis the TeleTubbies are plotting to capture them and bread them with Carter and Sheppherd.

riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. so they're a kiddy show.

chyron
October 20th, 2006, 02:32 PM
They are the ones who wiped out THE WIGGLES, but their archnemesis the TeleTubbies are plotting to capture them and bread them with Carter and Sheppherd.]

But there's nothing to worry about OMA POPPINS will set things straight...

P-90_177
October 20th, 2006, 04:54 PM
Earth to weir: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!

Elles
October 21st, 2006, 03:22 PM
Weir to Earth: We're having an emergency evacuation back to Earth! Sheppard lost his hair gel and is going on a rampage!

McKay to Earth: *snicker* Beckett got *cough*involved*cough* with a woman from a *snicker* different race... *snicker* and now he's... *snicker* pregnant. *maniacal laughter*
Beckett (in background): Somebody help me! My water broke!

Lauriel
October 21st, 2006, 03:48 PM
Weir sitting at the conference table with the science team:

Weir: So, Sheppard's team stepped through the 'gate, then all the systems crashed and all we can get is 'This operation has performed a critical error. Please shut down Windows and reboot your system.' What the hell do we do now?

sueKay
October 21st, 2006, 03:54 PM
"Attention all personnel:

Drs McKay and Zelenka have accidentally initiated the self destruct after trying to install Windows Vista into the Ancient Database...

...Anybody know how to Install linux?"

P-90_177
October 21st, 2006, 04:50 PM
Sheppard to Earth: We've go a problem down here. Elizabeths been abducted by the Wraith, Ford came here and is now picking a fight with Ronon, Teyla and her people are having a leadership election and McKay's blown up a solar system again AND i'm out of hair gel..............................I CAN'T FIX THIS WITHOUT MY HAIR GEL!!!!!

Lauriel
October 21st, 2006, 04:52 PM
Weir to Earth: Hallowed are the Ori...

Lilith
October 21st, 2006, 06:47 PM
Weir to Earth: We're having an emergency evacuation back to Earth! Sheppard lost his hair gel and is going on a rampage!

McKay to Earth: *snicker* Beckett got *cough*involved*cough* with a woman from a *snicker* different race... *snicker* and now he's... *snicker* pregnant. *maniacal laughter*
Beckett (in background): Somebody help me! My water broke!
:lol: that was absolutely wonderful Elles!! i'd green ya, but i have to spread first :(

Weir to Earth: We're having techincal difficulties with our shield generator. Please don't send anyone through as we can't lower *thwack!* What the hell was that?!

Carter: Uh... that was Daniel. Don't worry though. He should descend in five minutes.... Oh, and he tends to descend in the nude.

Weir: Damn, you guys are lucky!

chyron
October 22nd, 2006, 12:12 PM
Weir to Earth: We're having an emergency evacuation back to Earth! Sheppard lost his hair gel and is going on a rampage!

McKay to Earth: *snicker* Beckett got *cough*involved*cough* with a woman from a *snicker* different race... *snicker* and now he's... *snicker* pregnant. *maniacal laughter*
Beckett (in background): Somebody help me! My water broke!

Didn't that happen on SG1? Oh wait - it was ENTERPRISE. No wonder that show got cancelled.

P-90_177
October 23rd, 2006, 06:06 AM
i liked that episode.

Rodney to Carter: What do you want?
Carter: Nice to see you too McKay.
Rodney: Yeah yeah yeah hi...................now stand up and turn around so I can check out your ass. I can't do it when I'm watching you on a screen

Opener
October 23rd, 2006, 09:46 AM
Earth to Weir: Someone leaked the Gate program. You'll have a delegation coming through in five m-hello? Hello? What's all that smoke?

Weir to Earth: Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Good.

chyron
October 23rd, 2006, 01:58 PM
"We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Your technological and individual distinctiveness will be added to our own. Resistence is futile. Now bow before us and sing 'I'm a little borg, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout..."

David
October 23rd, 2006, 02:24 PM
"Weir to Earth. Have the Daedalus send more toilet tissue."

Elles
October 24th, 2006, 01:34 PM
:lol: that was absolutely wonderful Elles!! i'd green ya, but i have to spread first :(

Thank you. I take pride in that myself. :D

Melak
October 25th, 2006, 04:31 PM
Wier to Earth: I now pronounce you husband and wife John, you may kiss the bride
McKay: Get it over with already Kirk

Earth to Wier: SGC is under lockdown, Walter has been infected with some sort of virus that's making him act very strangely
Watler: Oh My God General, You're wearing that shirt with those shoes, ooohhh, You are so delicious, I could just eat you up right now.

Admiral Mappalazarou
October 26th, 2006, 05:28 AM
Mckay's working on some valuable peice of ancient tech when the radio message echoes through out Atlantis.

Wier: Meredith McKay, please report to my office.

Lilith
November 4th, 2006, 06:25 PM
Weir: Everything's going wonderfully. Dr. McKay found another criogenetically frozen Ancient. We expect to revive him by.... COLONEL SHEPPARD!!! WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?!?!?!?!

Hooperman1990
November 5th, 2006, 09:21 AM
Wier: Go on, shave your hair off for charity
Ronan: No, i love my hair. Shes been with me all these years that ive been running, i cant betray her.
John: Sure you can, being bald is just the same as when you dont wear pants.

chyron
November 6th, 2006, 01:23 PM
The Falcons won the Superbowl.

Lilith
November 6th, 2006, 02:28 PM
The Falcons won the Superbowl.
lol!

Sheppard: Could we have a new arrogant, ecentric, astro-physisist? McKay fried his brains trying to solve an Ancient crossword puzzle....

chyron
November 9th, 2006, 01:42 PM
...oh and Dr. Weir, please let Colonel Sheppherd know that we have an answer to his question
Weir: His question?
SGC Doctor: Yes, its of a personal matter so I'm not comfortable stating it...just let him know that turning gray is perfectly normal for a human male as he ages and that for some men the head and chest hair isn't the first to change color

Sam fisher
November 9th, 2006, 01:48 PM
...oh and Dr. Weir, please let Colonel Sheppherd know that we have an answer to his question
Weir: His question?
SGC Doctor: Yes, its of a personal matter so I'm not comfortable stating it...just let him know that turning gray is perfectly normal for a human male as he ages and that for some men the head and chest hair isn't the first to change color

I'm almost afraid to ask this, but does this joke have to do with Shep being Kirk?

Lilith
November 9th, 2006, 02:44 PM
I'm almost afraid to ask this, but does this joke have to do with Shep being Kirk?
oh course it does! it always does.....

McKay: Um... I accidentally blew a whole in the Deadalus and we need a few spare parts....

chyron
November 9th, 2006, 04:47 PM
I'm almost afraid to ask this, but does this joke have to do with Shep being Kirk?

Well...no...but it does fit doesn't it.

Sam fisher
November 9th, 2006, 04:55 PM
Well...no...but it does fit doesn't it.

My bad, I meant does this joke have anything to do with a certain body part that only men have? Because if it does, I so did not need that image in my head.

P-90_177
November 9th, 2006, 05:57 PM
No one does.

Gate gal
November 10th, 2006, 10:22 AM
Weir: General Landry, can you ask Daniel if he's heard the myth about the twelve colonies? We have a ship here called the Resurrection ship, and a woman named 6 wants directions to the thirteenth colony Earth.

chyron
November 10th, 2006, 12:28 PM
My bad, I meant does this joke have anything to do with a certain body part that only men have? Because if it does, I so did not need that image in my head.

No, it is not a reference to a body part and it applies equally to all men and women regardless of race or ethnicitity.

Lilith
November 16th, 2006, 04:56 PM
basically it depends on how twisted your mind is...

Hooperman1990
November 19th, 2006, 05:07 AM
Todays Menu:
Pasta Bake
Pasta
Pasta - Baked
Baked Pasta

Tomorrows Menu:
Pasta Bake Suprise
Blackened Leftovers*
Pasta Bake
WARNING, MAY CONTAIN TRACES OF EDIBLE FOOD.

susanne
November 19th, 2006, 05:40 AM
wier:earth this is wier, did you get that shipment of hair gel and hair spray yet?
earth: were working on it....
wier: well in your own time but can you sed over some spare parts too? shepperd and ronon just destroyed the gateroom looking for some....

Hooperman1990
November 19th, 2006, 06:08 AM
Carson Beckett has just announced that his real name is actually Micheal McGoldrick, Wier has called for an immediate evacuation to earth before he wakes up.

(I have nothing against bagpipes, but im the only person who i know who thinks that)

chyron
November 22nd, 2006, 07:42 AM
A Beautiful Woman Appears on Screen
Sheppherd:Oh...
She speaks in a mechanical/computer/artifical voice: "We are the FemBots of Aldeberon, and have taken control of this planet..."
Sheppherd:Oh...
The FemBot: "We have tracked our exiled Queen to this planet in order to bring her to justice for horrible crimes against all FemBots"
Sheppherd:Oh...
The FemBot:"We have determined that she has escaped to Atlantis under the guise of Dr. Elizabeth Weir..."
Sheppherd:You know I thought something just didn't feel right about her...

Lauriel
November 22nd, 2006, 12:36 PM
Landy: Atlantis, I have some troubling news. The Wiggles have taken over the world. You're new uniforms are arriving now, along with the new international anthem. Ready? Toot toot chugga chugga big red car...

chyron
November 22nd, 2006, 02:30 PM
Landy: Atlantis, I have some troubling news. The Wiggles have taken over the world. You're new uniforms are arriving now, along with the new international anthem. Ready? Toot toot chugga chugga big red car...

Weren't you paying attention? The Doodle-Bops slaughtered the Wiggles in a vicious power-struggle. The SGC, wisely, remained neutral and then recruited the Doodle-Bops to travel to Atlantis to defend it against the Wraith. (Look up a couple of posts in this thread)

Lauriel
November 22nd, 2006, 02:57 PM
They are the ones who wiped out THE WIGGLES, but their archnemesis the TeleTubbies are plotting to capture them and bread them with Carter and Sheppherd.


Weren't you paying attention? The Doodle-Bops slaughtered the Wiggles in a vicious power-struggle. The SGC, wisely, remained neutral and then recruited the Doodle-Bops to travel to Atlantis to defend it against the Wraith. (Look up a couple of posts in this thread)

:lol: I'd forgotten that. :o :o

Planetary_Alliance
November 23rd, 2006, 11:30 AM
*gate opens*
Walter: Atlantis the is earth and we have just found out that there is a bomb on atlantis and you will die as soon as the gate disconects. Have a good day.
*Gate closes*

On atlantis
Weir/shep/everyone: Oh... crap

On earth
walter: maybe we shouldn't have shut down the gate sir

Lilith
November 23rd, 2006, 11:39 AM
Walter: Atlantis, I regret to inform you that General Landry and Col. Mitchell are lost in the woods, Teal'c has been captured by Ba'al, Daniel is in England doing research on Aurthurian legends, and with Col. Carter on board the Deadalus, which is heading you're way, that leaves Vala in charge.

Weir: We're are true sorry to hear that. Good luck and try to keep here away from the self destruct!

*gate shuts down*

Walter: Vala, what are you doing??

Vala: -fiddling around with a computer- Nothing... *self-destruct arms*

Walter: oh crap....

Planetary_Alliance
November 23rd, 2006, 11:43 AM
Walter: Atlantis, I regret to inform you that General Landry and Col. Mitchell are lost in the woods, Teal'c has been captured by Ba'al, Daniel is in England doing research on Aurthurian legends, and with Col. Carter on board the Deadalus, which is heading you're way, that leaves Vala in charge.

Weir: We're are true sorry to hear that. Good luck and try to keep here away from the self destruct!

*gate shuts down*

Walter: Vala, what are you doing??

Vala: -fiddling around with a computer- Nothing... *self-destruct arms*

Walter: oh crap....
*bows*
I have been outdone by someone much greater. I cant compete:jack_new_anime07: :jack_new_anime06: :valaanime06: :weiranime20: :weiranime17:

Ronan: You know i think i used the wrong hair soap. *looks in the mirror hair is nice and neat*

*Shep walks in*

Shep: WHY IS MY HAIR ALL FRIZY I COULDNT FIND MY HAIR SOAP

*rodney walks in to see the two of them and breaks out laughing*

shep ronan: kill him
ronan shep: yep

*both shoot rondey*

chyron
November 23rd, 2006, 04:03 PM
Landry:Oh and please advise Colonel Sheppherd that Playgirl turned him down for an interview
Dr. Weir: I'll have Carson give him something before I tell him...

susanne
November 24th, 2006, 02:59 AM
landry: dr wier i regret to inform you the test results have come back
wier: and?
landry: it is rodneys baby

chyron
November 24th, 2006, 04:59 AM
landry: dr wier i regret to inform you the test results have come back
wier: and?
landry: it is rodneys baby
Weir (yelling): RODNEY! Have you been playing with your micro-transporter beam again?!

susanne
November 24th, 2006, 10:03 AM
wier: also we have had an enourmous pregnancy boom
landry: let me guess, shepperd got at the viagra again...

chyron
November 24th, 2006, 04:55 PM
Landry: Oh and could you let Rodney know that the oversight & design committee has authorized his request to put a boday on the Daedelus, but there's a catch...we'll have to rip out either the shields or the ring transporter - Could you ask him which one he'd prefer to do without?

chyron
November 24th, 2006, 05:01 PM
Atlantis dials Earth, there's a pause before they respond....
Hi! My name's Ferris...Ferris Beuller...everybody seems a bit...preoccuppied at the moment...Would you like to chat?

Lilith
November 24th, 2006, 07:15 PM
Atlantis dials Earth, there's a pause before they respond....
Hi! My name's Ferris...Ferris Beuller...everybody seems a bit...preoccuppied at the moment...Would you like to chat?
:lol: that's classic!

chyron
November 26th, 2006, 03:04 AM
Landry: ...we also have great news in the war against the Ori, they've agreed to end all hostilities provided that we meet them in Kitchen Stadium* and determine the fate of our galaxy by means of a cook-off.
Sheppherd: That is good news
Landry: Not entirely...the oversight committee has determined that Dr. Weir and Carter are going to cook on behalf of us
Sheppherd: So when are you evacuating to Atlantis...
Landry: The Daedelus launches within the hour....

(*As in Iron Chef - google it)

Planetary_Alliance
November 26th, 2006, 12:46 PM
Dr. Weir: Ok people we have a problem
random person: and that is?
Dr. Weir: AT-1 went to a planet with new technology and the technology made shepard ugly.
*All the girls on atlantis scream and cry*
random person: opps my bad my hand was on the city wide radio.

chyron
November 26th, 2006, 02:58 PM
Atlantis dials in...the rotting, matted hair, maggot infested corpse of Janet Fraser appears on screen, she is back from the dead...

Fraiser:"My name is Janet and I remember everything*...my zombies and I have wiped out this galaxy and we're coming for you - Colonel Sheppherd. You should have been watching my back, but instead you were gawking at that cute new Lieutenant that was on the mission. Now you're going to die...I'm one mighty pissed b***h"
Sheppherd: I guess somebody got up on the wrong side of the grave today...How about if I set you up with my hairdresser, you do look like you've been having a couple of bad hair days...




*Think Alice from Resident Evil

Planetary_Alliance
November 26th, 2006, 03:29 PM
How do you follow something like that up its hillarious.

Lilith
November 26th, 2006, 05:55 PM
like this....

*on screen is a naked Sam*

Sam: the president has outlawed clothes... from now on, when you're on Earth you have to walk around naked.
McKay:-to weir- In the best interest of the male species, I request that Sheppard not be allowed to return to Earth.
Weir: Request denied.
McKay: then I request to be sent to Earth immediately.
Sam & Weir: Request denied!!!!!!!!
Sheppard: -at the same time- Request granted!!! this should be fun....

chyron
November 27th, 2006, 05:39 PM
Landry:Dr. Wier, I've been looking over your most recent requisition for supplies...I noticed that Shepherd has increased his C4 request by 1000% - That's an awful lot of explosives, are you planning some sort of covert operation?
Dr. Weir: I apologize, I thought that I had taken that out of the request
Landry: How the hell did it get in there in the first place? Was it a typo? Some sort of practical joke?
Dr. Weir: No, actually that was his original request. I immediatley denied it.
Landry:Let me guess he slipped it back it. What was his thinking?
Dr. Weir: He's taken up fishing
Landry:And that relates how?
Dr. Weir:Do you really want to know?
Landry:Go ahead...
Dr. Weir:He's been fishing using C4...seems he got a bit bored waiting for the fish to bite

Lilith
November 27th, 2006, 06:41 PM
i blame Captain Mal Reynolds for this :p

Shep: Yo ho! We live yet?
Weir: Boy, you better chill yo little ghetto ass down befo i btchslap you. Yo homedog, sup?
Landry: Hey baby-G. you lookin mighty fine. why don't you come visit the hood sometime?
Shep: yo nigga! you hittin on my gurl? come on old geezer, it's on!
Landry: who you callin geezer punk?
Shep: yous, fat a$$!

Mercury973
November 27th, 2006, 06:47 PM
I don't want to hear that Beckett is gone missing.


Damn it

Lilith
November 27th, 2006, 06:51 PM
I don't want to hear that Beckett is gone missing.


Damn it
neither would i, but we like to keep the tone jovial in here as much as possible...

Commander Jumper
November 27th, 2006, 09:54 PM
*giggles* now if I could think of somthing witty.....I have a funny Atlantis related story but no witty jokes...... :p

chyron
November 28th, 2006, 03:36 AM
Landry:Dr. Weir, I'm sorry to have to announce this, but we have to recall Dr. Beckett back to Earth
Dr. Weir:*shocked* Why?
Dr. Landry:The oversight committee has decided to name him the official SGC Party Host to help liquor up various international leaders to drum up additional support for the SGC and your mission
Dr. Weir:Well...I guess that makes sense - no one parties like a Scot.

Lilith
November 28th, 2006, 04:52 PM
Landry:Dr. Weir, I'm sorry to have to announce this, but we have to recall Dr. Beckett back to Earth
Dr. Weir:*shocked* Why?
Dr. Landry:The oversight committee has decided to name him the official SGC Party Host to help liquor up various international leaders to drum up additional support for the SGC and your mission
Dr. Weir:Well...I guess that makes sense - no one parties like a Scot.
Beckett: I don't wanna go back to Earth!!! I don't wanna!!!!
McKay: Why not? You won't have to deal with the Wraith.
Beckett: But I'll have to deal with politics!
McKay: Alright you have point.....
Shep: -just walks in- You lucky bstard!! I hear get to go back to Earth and spend the rest of your days plying diplomats with booze... You know those diplomat chicks get girls gone wild crazy when their drunk off their asses... and I hear some of them on the IOA are pretty hott!
Beckett: When do I leave again?

susanne
November 29th, 2006, 08:32 AM
landry: col. shepperd i regret to inform you that you have the following desieses chalmidia, AIDS, hepititis A and B, oh and crabs
*shepperd feints*
wier: really sir?
landry: hold on.... yeah walter? what?!
wier: something wrong?
landry: it seems theres been a mistake, i read the list of what he doesnt have, you should tell him
wier: oh i will, ill just wait a few weeks.....

chyron
November 29th, 2006, 03:22 PM
landry: col. shepperd i regret to inform you that you have the following desieses chalmidia, AIDS, hepititis A and B, oh and crabs
*shepperd feints*
wier: really sir?
landry: hold on.... yeah walter? what?!
wier: something wrong?
landry: it seems theres been a mistake, i read the list of what he doesnt have, you should tell him
wier: oh i will, ill just wait a few weeks.....

Sheppherd (the next day): Well, at least I don't have lice.

chyron
November 29th, 2006, 03:30 PM
landry: col. shepperd i regret to inform you that you have the following desieses chalmidia, AIDS, hepititis A and B, oh and crabs
*shepperd feints*
wier: really sir?
landry: hold on.... yeah walter? what?!
wier: something wrong?
landry: it seems theres been a mistake, i read the list of what he doesnt have, you should tell him
wier: oh i will, ill just wait a few weeks.....

Sheppherd (the next day): Well, at least I don't have lice.

Andrew Joshua Talon
December 7th, 2006, 08:29 AM
Weir: Attention, attention. This is Doctor Weir. Would the pilot of Jumper One please report to the hanger deck. You left the lights on.

JohnSheppard28
December 9th, 2006, 06:48 AM
It looks like the Gao'uld have taken the Wraith as hosts and then the Ori came along and made them all Priors. Oh and they seem especially pissed at Sheppard for some reason. Something to do with him having cooler hair. :D

susanne
December 9th, 2006, 07:07 AM
wier: we ummm received a shipment....
landry: yes your weekly food rations and items you need.
wier: ummm i think theres been a mistake then....
landry: hows that dr wier?
wier: we ummm seem to have several cases of ummm *cough*condoms*cough*
landry: we thaught it would be wise.....

chyron
December 9th, 2006, 10:27 AM
wier: we ummm received a shipment....
landry: yes your weekly food rations and items you need.
wier: ummm i think theres been a mistake then....
landry: hows that dr wier?
wier: we ummm seem to have several cases of ummm *cough*condoms*cough*
landry: we thaught it would be wise.....

Dr. Weir: Wow...you mean they finally found a cure for Shepphered's impotence?

MechaThor
December 9th, 2006, 11:49 AM
1. Weir: We met these great people called the Ashen and they gave use loads of medical technology. Ain't this great news?

2. Weir: The City has hit an offcourse iceberg and the unsinkable has sunk.

chyron
December 9th, 2006, 06:03 PM
Dr. Weir: General Landry, Carson believes that cat milk holds the key to winning the war against the Wraith. He needs you to find about 10,000 female cats and milk them.

Lilith
December 9th, 2006, 06:07 PM
Dr. Weir: General Landry, Carson believes that cat milk holds the key to winning the war against the Wraith. He needs you to find about 10,000 female cats and milk them.
General Landry: I'm sorry Doctor, but my salary doesn't cover milking cats. We'll send them to you the cats, but you'll have to milk them yourselves.

Dr. Weir: ****

chyron
December 9th, 2006, 06:13 PM
Weir: Sir, Rodney & Sheppherd are the only two people in Atlantis with small enough fingers to grab ahold of the cat nipples. When we had them milk a cat, they kept squirting each other with the espressed milk. The cat wasn't too happy.

Lilith
December 9th, 2006, 06:28 PM
Weir: Sir, Rodney & Sheppherd are the only two people in Atlantis with small enough fingers to grab ahold of the cat nipples. When we had them milk a cat, they kept squirting each other with the espressed milk. The cat wasn't too happy.
Landry: what about the Athosians on the mainland?

Weir: let me ask Teyla
......
Weir: No good. She says it's against their religion.

chyron
December 9th, 2006, 06:47 PM
[color=darkorchid]Landry: what about the Athosians on the mainland?[color]
Weir: That's not an option sir, cat is a staple of their diet. I have to keep my own Boo-Boo kitty under guard from Teyla.

Jill_Ion
December 9th, 2006, 07:07 PM
McKay: Attention everyone! Attention! The Pegasus Players production of Brigadoon has been cancelled for this evening because Carson insists I wear my kilt "regimental style."

chyron
December 10th, 2006, 03:10 AM
McKay: Attention everyone! Attention! The Pegasus Players production of Brigadoon has been cancelled for this evening because Carson insists I wear my kilt "regimental style."

Sheppherd: Ladies and Gentlemen...In place of Brigadoon, we will be presenting a special singing engagement inspired by "Naked Boys Singing" featuring General Landry and Hammond in the duel-leading roles.

susanne
December 10th, 2006, 03:48 AM
Sheppherd: Ladies and Gentlemen...In place of Brigadoon, we will be presenting a special singing engagement inspired by "Naked Boys Singing" featuring General Landry and Hammond in the duel-leading roles.
*shivers* omg

Lilith
December 10th, 2006, 08:00 AM
Sheppherd: Ladies and Gentlemen...In place of Brigadoon, we will be presenting a special singing engagement inspired by "Naked Boys Singing" featuring General Landry and Hammond in the duel-leading roles.
With the larger than life Commisary Ladies as the lead females

Conor
December 10th, 2006, 09:33 AM
Weir to SGC: We're having some trouble finding the 'any' key....

susanne
December 11th, 2006, 07:55 AM
wier: landry we need a swat tteam over here asap
landry: why have the wraith gotten into the city?
wier: no sir kavanagh shredded ronons teddy mr snookiekins
landry: dear god.....

chyron
December 11th, 2006, 05:43 PM
The entire wraith fleet is descending upon Atlantis...the Odyssey has been disabled and is drifting toward a dwarf star...the Asgard have been lost...the end is near...Landry dials in...

Weir: Sir, we're almost ready to begin evacuating the city....Rodney has devised a plan to obliterate the city - The Wraith will never find Earth...If we don't make it back, Its been an honor SIR
Landry: Dr. Weir, I think its a bit early for goodbyes...We've just received word that your one-eyed monster lurking in your pants, waiting to spring forth at all who startle it will come to your rescue

chyron
December 11th, 2006, 06:06 PM
The entire wraith fleet is descending upon Atlantis...the Odyssey has been disabled and is drifting toward a dwarf star...the Asgard have been lost...the end is near...Landry dials in...

Weir: Sir, we're almost ready to begin evacuating the city....Rodney has devised a plan to obliterate the city - The Wraith will never find Earth...If we don't make it back, Its been an honor SIR
Landry: Dr. Weir, I think its a bit early for goodbyes...We've just received word that your one-eyed monster lurking in your pants, waiting to spring forth at all who startle it will come to your rescue

FYI - I had been harrassing a buddy of mine and liked the 'one-eyed monster' phrase so much that I copied it from an IM to save it. I accidently pasted it into the post. I left it there because I thought it hilarious that the phrase would just happen to fit the post...the post that I intended is below....


---INTENDED POST---
The entire wraith fleet is descending upon Atlantis...the Odyssey has been disabled and is drifting toward a dwarf star...the Asgard have been lost...the end is near...Landry dials in...

Weir: Sir, we're almost ready to begin evacuating the city....Rodney has devised a plan to obliterate the city - The Wraith will never find Earth...If we don't make it back, Its been an honor SIR
Landry: Dr. Weir, I think its a bit early for goodbyes...We've just received word that Captain Peter Quincy Taggart and the NSEA Protector are on the way, they should arrive any minute...oh and let Colonel Sheppherd know that he'll be working closing with specialist Lieutenant Tawny Madison...

chyron
December 15th, 2006, 05:17 PM
Landry: The Ori have infected Earth with a deadly virus that only kills coffee plants....You're going to have to make do with what you have, You're own your own...The President has declared martial law and secured all remaining suppiles of coffee...The Marines and National Guard have surrounded Starbucks...Pray for us, the end is near...

susanne
December 16th, 2006, 02:42 AM
landry: hello? anyone there?
shepperd: yeah?
landry: shepperd?
shep: aye man wassup?
landry: are you drunk man?!
shep: nah we found wierd plants on a planet and tasted some, turned out to be cann- canna-...
landry: CANNABIS?!
shep: aye thats the one
landry: you bunch of potheads...

chyron
December 16th, 2006, 07:36 AM
Landry: Great news! It took nearly 6 months of intensive negotiations, but we've managed to get Ashlee Simpson for your Christmas party.

chyron
December 23rd, 2006, 07:46 PM
Landry: We've got very bad news. As if the Ori weren't enough...its difficult to talk about....The bugs have wiped out one of our cities...
Sheppherd:No...which one...
Dr. Weir: Buenos Aires, Johnny...they wiped out Buenos Aires
Landry:The Air Marshal has declared war on the bugs...We're going to wipe out Klendathu

2ndgenerationalteran
December 24th, 2006, 01:09 AM
Wier: Urgent update, stop playing that sims game shep sent, its real.
Walter: F***, your serious? you mean theres a planet out there full of girls that are in love with me?
Shep: Yep, stopping sucks doesnt it? *reminesis*

chyron
December 24th, 2006, 05:13 AM
Off-Camera Announcer (boxing-annoucer like): "Ladies and Gentlement! The moment that you've all been waiting for!....Direct! from the Pegasus Galaxy...John Sheppherd presents 'G.L.O.W.!' - The Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling'..."

chyron
December 24th, 2006, 05:34 AM
(A Special Holiday Version of Things They wouldn't Want to Hear...)

"There is no Santa Claus"


"Santa Claus was en route to Earth. His IDC was valid, but there was a malfunction with the IRIS. We couldn't open it in time. Santa Claus has been disintegrated"


"Santa Claus has been kidnapped by Ba'al"


"Santa Claus has been taken by a go'auld"


"Daniel just uncovered some rather startling information - Santa Claus is and always has been a go'auld, so is the Easter Bunny and :gasps: the Great Pumpkin"


"Santa Claus is now a Prior of the Ori"


"Santa Claus is the leader of the Ori"


"Santa Claus has ascended and as such can't bring presents anymore because it would be considered interferring in the matters of lower beings"


"I saw Sam kissing Santa Claus"


"I saw Sheppherd kissing Santa Claus"

Elles
December 24th, 2006, 09:44 PM
"I saw Sheppherd kissing Santa Claus"
Chaya: WHAT WHAT WHAT?!?
Zelenka: Yes...
Chaya: I just need to know one thing... did he tickle him to?
Zelenka: I think you're better off not-
Chaya: No. Tell me, I need to know.
Zelenka: Yes.
Chaya: NOOOOOOO!!!

chyron
December 25th, 2006, 06:08 AM
Dr. Weir: General Landry, I'm afraid that Colonel Shepherd is unavailable. We've had to evacuate him off planet temporarily.
Landry: Why?
Dr. Weir: Rodney was experimenting with some nanites. A few got loose and infected a set of hair clippers near-by bringing it to life...
Landry (interrupted): Enough said. How's he doing?
Dr. Weir: Carson's with him and has him sedated. Traumatized is not the word for it.

chyron
December 25th, 2006, 07:40 AM
Shepherd: This is Colonel John Shepherd. Atlantis is now under my control. I've wired the city with explosives and I've taken the members of the expedition hostage. My demands are simple. You will meet them or I will execute one member of the expedition on the hour...make that the half hour, there's plenty to go around...when I'm done I'll then destroy Atlantis.
Hammond: Very well...what are your demands
Shepherd: I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. Understand?
Hammond: But Colonel...you have a P-90NS the most advanced weapon ever developed by humans...naqudah-plated shell casings, DNA-targeting, a full-spectrum scope with a magnification factor of 10,000, subspace laser guided shooting...What could you possibly need an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle for?
Shepherd (shouting): I WANT AN OFFICIAL RED RYDER CARBINE-ACTION TWO HUNDRED-SHOT RANGE MODEL AIR RIFLE!

2ndgenerationalteran
December 25th, 2006, 09:11 AM
ALL: what do you mean santa doesnt make trips to atlantis?

or

Shep:santa is coming to atlantis, hes traveling the entire distance in less than a night. hey, mcay dont you wanna study his hyperdrive? *brandishes his shot gun*

Elles
December 27th, 2006, 08:17 AM
or

Weir: Sheppard! I told you to turn off the automated defense system! We just killed Santa Claus!!!
McKay: Hey everybody! Rudolph's still alive!
*ancient glowing jelly fi-ahem- I mean... drone... kills Rudolph*

chyron
December 30th, 2006, 08:59 PM
Landry: Dr. Weir we've selected a new Chief Medical Officer for you - Dr. Jonathan Crane. He'll be arriving shortly. Oh...and he's also a highly rated F-302 pilot - call sign "Scarecrow".

2ndgenerationalteran
January 5th, 2007, 11:48 PM
Wier: This New Years we will be allowing the use of fire crackers, but please no throwing grenades off the central spire, no dropping C4 off of jumpers.
Cadman: damn sells are gonna drop now...

susanne
January 6th, 2007, 06:26 AM
wier: weel hello dere mishterlandry
landry: dr wier? what the hell is wrong with you?
wier: sheppy found some bottles in the city marked happy new year 1000 and we decided to open em
landry: and?
wier: they got us pished atfter one little tiny pintglass full
landry: how many bottles did you say?......

chyron
January 6th, 2007, 09:35 AM
"Harry Potter is dead"

chyron
January 6th, 2007, 05:11 PM
Landry (upon retirement from the SGC):"I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. "

chyron
January 6th, 2007, 06:34 PM
Unnamed Technician: Dr. Weir...we've dialed Earth and seem to be getting a recording...
Dr. Weir: Let me hear...

"They have taken the bridge and the second hall. We have barred the gates but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We can not get out... they are coming. "

ReganX
January 8th, 2007, 11:33 AM
"Harry Potter is dead"

Ronan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

chyron
January 8th, 2007, 02:59 PM
Ronan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

YES! He slipped on a puddle of water while standing outside of the main hall of Hogwarts.

chyron
January 20th, 2007, 05:15 PM
A Woman's Voice:We're sorry. But all circuits are busy at this time. Please try your call later.

chyron
January 21st, 2007, 05:53 AM
Sheppard: Darn!
Rodney: What is it?
Sheppard: The internet connection to jcpenny.com is down. Can you fix it?
Rodney: We're under fire. We're going to have what remaining lifeforce is in us, sucked out of us - and all you can do is think about shopping?!
Sheppard: The greatest thing about the internet is that you can order new underwear anytime, anywhere and have it delivered right to your doorstep. Rodney, I know we're under fire DUH! I'm a optimist which means that I believe we're going to get out of here. I'm also a realist. Its a not a matter of IF I need new underwear. When we get back, I want a fresh pair waiting for me.
Rodney: Good point. Could order me a pair as well? Size 36?
Sheppard: I thought you didn't wear underwear.
Rodney: I don't, but after this I've decided to reevaluate that decision.

Walter: (clears throat) Excuse Me. Pardon Me.
Sheppard: Rodney, did you say something?
Rodney: No....Oh No! There was an open com line to the SGC.

Lilith
February 12th, 2007, 01:22 PM
Databurst: T.S. Elliot [( wormhole disengages )]
Walter: Who was that Sir?
Landry: He didn't say.
Walter: What did he say?
Landry: T.S. Elliot.
Walter: Who's T.S. Elliot?
Landry: I don't know. Dial Atlantis...... [( sent as databurst )] T.S Elliot [( wormhole disengages )]
---------------
Weir: T.S. Elliot? Who the hell is T.S. Elliot? Dial Earth..... [( sent as databurst )] T.S. Elliot. [( wormhole disengages )]

~~~~~~
kudos and green to whoever gets the ref :P

chyron
February 12th, 2007, 05:09 PM
Hammond of Texas: Dr. Weir, the men of Earth are now quarantined. No one is being allowed to travel off world...The Ori have hit us with some sort of virus that prevents zippers from being zipped up. All we know is that its drafty.

chyron
April 10th, 2007, 04:58 PM
"Manchester United has been disbanded"

JJSNgadget
January 23rd, 2008, 02:44 PM
from Earth: "Victoria Beckham has been hired to play for the WNBA Wizards."

from Earth: "You know, Cameron is a lovely name..."

from Atlantis: "We voted Kusanagi off the island."

sueKay
January 23rd, 2008, 02:49 PM
Woolsey: The IOA in conjunction with the UN has banned coffee

JJSNgadget
January 23rd, 2008, 02:52 PM
...and caffienne pills.

JJSNgadget
April 3rd, 2008, 06:57 AM
This is Dr. McKay. I am now in charge of Atlantis, and as such the city is defecting to Canada. Thank you.

sillyscipia
April 3rd, 2008, 07:04 AM
Woolsey: The IOA in conjunction with the UN has banned coffee

...and caffienne pills.
Weir: Due to this insane decision, we've decided that the IOA is a bunch of morons that we plan to *accidentally* knock off one of the balconies next time they visit.

Oh, wait... That's a good thing...:p

Specter177
April 3rd, 2008, 07:14 AM
Databurst: T.S. Elliot [( wormhole disengages )]
Walter: Who was that Sir?
Landry: He didn't say.
Walter: What did he say?
Landry: T.S. Elliot.
Walter: Who's T.S. Elliot?
Landry: I don't know. Dial Atlantis...... [( sent as databurst )] T.S Elliot [( wormhole disengages )]
---------------
Weir: T.S. Elliot? Who the hell is T.S. Elliot? Dial Earth..... [( sent as databurst )] T.S. Elliot. [( wormhole disengages )]

~~~~~~
kudos and green to whoever gets the ref :P

Ha, Catch-22, right?

JJSNgadget
April 8th, 2008, 06:35 AM
"Soylent Green Is Genii!"

Andrew Joshua Talon
July 11th, 2008, 06:59 PM
"Everybody mambo!"

Pharaoh Atem
January 28th, 2010, 07:42 PM
this is mckay today is warm and breezing and if you look to the west we are now in puddle jumper distance from Hawaii.

Sheppard: rodney what are you doing??

:mckay: what?? we're on earth and i've always wanted to be a weather man

Sheppard "facepalm"