things you would not want to hear on the SGC's intercom

[Naonak]

Carter: Teal'c, for God's sake, what have I said about leaving the toilet seat up?!?!
(God knows why she's in the men's toilets, but whatever...)

[Kindhoney]

Will (insert name here) please report to the gate room, your mother left clean underwear for you.

[Kindhoney]

In the spirit of The Office

Landry: "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is an infection is running through the base. In a short time most of you you should expect temporary paralysis and loss of bowl and bladder function. Unfortunatly no one will be able to help you, as it's very likely they will be suffering the same thing, and I don't want to go out and risk getting infected.

The good news is, I got a raise!

Your're all still thinking about the bad news aren't you? What I should have done is I should have told you the good news first!"

I know what's better that your raise, Gieco.

[Ouroboros]

Hammond: Oh yeah, baby... oooohh yeah.... that's the way Daddy likes it..... ohhh yeah who's your daddy baby who's your...w.wait.... OH****!! *CLICK*.......................

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[Pharaoh Atem]

Hammond: Oh yeah, baby... oooohh yeah.... that's the way Daddy likes it..... ohhh yeah who's your daddy baby who's your...w.wait.... OH****!! *CLICK*.......................

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LMAO!!!

[Elles]

Daniel Jackson: Listen up people, this is important. My killer poodle, Fluffy, is loose on the base. Now there is no need to panic, but she is a killer poodle. Only I know how to get rid of her and if I die all of you most likely will also suffer long painful deaths. Ok? The secret of how to defeat Fluffy is- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

[Chelle DB]

Hammond: Oh yeah, baby... oooohh yeah.... that's the way Daddy likes it..... ohhh yeah who's your daddy baby who's your...w.wait.... OH****!! *CLICK*.......................

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ROFLMAO!!!!b Excellent dude!!!

[Chelle DB]

Kinsey: Hi, this is Bob. I just wanted to let you know that I am tickled pink about taking command of this fine facility. I'm sure we'll all get along great.

Kinsey: *fifteen seconds later* Due to budget cuts, it is my sad duty to announce that the following people have to be let go; Jack O'Neill...(loooong pause) That is all.

That is brilliant!! LOL!!! Well done.

[Chelle DB]

"Daniel Jackson...hang that flag back up and get your clothes on!"

[Pharaoh Atem]

Landry: I just wanted to let you know that Colonel Carter has finally been persuaded to take a long overdue vacation and that, for the next month, all scientific problems will be handled by Dr Lee. I'm sure we'll manage just fine and I know... *rest of Landry's announcement drowned out by panicked screams*

[Pharaoh Atem]

Kinsey: Hi, this is Bob. I just wanted to let you know that I am tickled pink about taking command of this fine facility. I'm sure we'll all get along great.

Kinsey: *fifteen seconds later* Due to budget cuts, it is my sad duty to announce that the following people have to be let go; Jack O'Neill...(loooong pause) That is all.

great

[Anubis69]

Landry: Attention, this is General Landry, your General, with a message from the General's Office. Would the parents of a small albino boy with a white cloak and a staff please report to the embarkation room immediately... That is a...

Also:

Landry: Attention. This is an emergency broadcast: All is well in the base. My authority as General is total.

Steal them from the Simpsons? I have no idea what you're talking about...

[Lilith]

Mdeical team to the briefing room. Mediacl team to the briefing room. The General has a splinter!

[Kindhoney]

: Who's the Jaffa, who's the Jaffa?
Ishta: (Squealing in delight) You are big daddy!

[ReganX]

Sam: I quit!